Chapter 2: Natalie's Advice
"No!" Tootie angrily cried out. "I don't want to do this, Mr. Bradley! I don't want to go into counseling!"
Classes had resumed at Eastland two weeks after Tootie had been released from the hospital, and even though her parents weren't certain if she was really ready for it yet or not, Tootie insisted that she wanted to go back to school as soon as possible, so they agreed. But despite the fact that Tootie was relieved to be with Mrs. Garrett and the girls again, one thing she was not relieved about was finding out that Mr. Bradley was going to make her start attending regular sessions with their school counselor, Mrs. Madeline Matthews, a woman whom she barely knew.
"Tootie, please, just listen to me. Just hear me out," Mr. Bradley pleaded with her, and after receiving an equally pleading look from Mrs. Garrett who was standing next to her in front of his desk, Tootie stiffened, folded her arms and listened. "Tootie, I don't mean to force something on you that you don't want to do, but I must insist that you have regular sessions with our counselor twice a week. You've been through an incredibly traumatic experience. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through; what you still must be going through," he told her seriously as his gaze met hers. "And what has happened to you is something that no one person can come through alone without help. If you'd fallen and broken your leg, you wouldn't want to just put it in a splint and not ever go to a doctor. An injury like that requires attention from a professional. And in the same way, you've been injured on the inside, and your injury must be seen to by a professional."
"Well I think it's stupid," Tootie complained. "No amount of talking about it and reliving it with some woman I hardly even know is going to undo what that creep did to me, Mr. Bradley."
"We realize that, Tootie," Mrs. Garrett said sympathetically. "But still, give Mrs. Matthews a chance. I know it won't be easy, but Mrs. Matthews just might prove herself to be a lot more helpful to you than you think."
"Do I have a choice?" Tootie asked bitterly.
"Tootie, please understand that I am simply trying to act in your best interests," said Mr. Bradley.
"Why can't you guys let me decide what's in my best interests?" Tootie asked with disgust, and then she stomped out of Mr. Bradley's office and slammed the door behind her.
"Oh, dear," Mr. Bradley sighed.
"Don't worry, Mr. Bradley. I'll try and talk to her," Mrs. Garrett assured him.
"Thank you. You know Edna, I realize it now how silly I used to act when I was headmaster here a couple of years ago. I never would have admitted this back then, but even though I was a grown adult, I was pretty immature and childish in the way I handled a lot of situations that arose, and I needed your guidance a lot more often than I would have liked to acknowledge. There were a lot of times when you would have made a better headmaster than I was. You know I'm an only child and that I lost both of my parents in a car wreck when I was in my early twenties, and that I lost my only surviving grandparent a few months ago. Let's just say that suddenly finding yourself all alone in the world without any family really has a way of making even the most immature person finally grow up."
"I can imagine," she said kindly. "And I really was so sorry to hear about your grandmother."
"Thank you. I'm sorry she's gone, too, but the important thing is, she had a long, rich, full life."
"I'm sure she did, and I'm sure she was very proud of you."
"Thanks," Stephen told her, and then there was a pause in the conversation for a couple of moments. "Anyway," Stephen continued, "had this attack occurred when I was at Eastland a couple of years ago, I probably would have acted like some kind of foolish know-it-all and pretended I knew how to handle the situation when in reality, I would have had no idea what the heck I was doing and I would've been too proud to admit that I didn't know what I was doing. Now, I'm not too immature and I'm not too proud to admit it that I'm really in over my head, here. I think the world of Tootie and I want to do anything and everything within my power to help her through this, but I have no idea how. Help me, Edna. Please. I need it."
Edna smiled, pleased with how much Mr. Bradley really had "grown up" since the last time he was at Eastland, and she told him, "I think you're doing a lot better than you're giving yourself credit for. I think you're absolutely right that Tootie's been injured inside and that that injury needs to be seen to by a professional. And I think that other than getting her into counseling, we have to do everything we can to make sure she doesn't let her fear paralyze her. I know she's afraid right now, and I'm sure she'll want to hide away from the world like Natalie did when she was attacked last year. We may have to be ready to give her a good, old-fashioned push when she needs it, just like I had to do with Natalie."
Mr. Bradley nodded and said, "Thanks for the input, my old friend."
"You're welcome. And welcome back. We've missed you."
"Thank you. I appreciate that. I've missed you and everyone here at Eastland, too."
"It's good to have you back. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd better go have a word with Tootie."
"Of course," Mr. Bradley said, and then Mrs. Garrett left his office and followed Tootie back to the cafeteria to have a talk with her.
Later that evening, when Mrs. Garrett and the girls had finished cleaning up after supper, Blair went out to see a movie with her latest boyfriend from Bates, and Jo, who was having problems with her bike, was outside trying to fix it. Meanwhile, Mrs. Garrett was getting out the fancy silverware in the kitchen so she could begin to polish it for the upcoming faculty dinner in a couple of days, and Tootie was angrily pacing back and forth in the lounge when Natalie came in there to check on her.
"Tootie, what is going on? Ever since you and Mrs. Garrett came back from Mr. Bradley's office this afternoon, you've been so angry."
Unbeknownst to the girls, Mrs. Garrett brought the silverware into the cafeteria from the kitchen in that moment and set it down on one of the tables. Then she grabbed a seat and began polishing, all the while trying not to focus on what Tootie and Natalie were saying.
Tootie finally stopped pacing then and answered, "Mr. Bradley's making me see the school counselor twice a week from now on."
"Well, hopefully it won't be too bad. It's possible she'll be able to help you."
"You don't understand, Natalie. You're missing the point."
"And what is the point?"
Tootie locked her eyes with Natalie's a moment later and explained, "The point is, two and a half weeks ago, a man who was like an uncle to me, a man I really believed I could trust, forced me to have sex with him against my will. Now, Mr. Bradley is forcing me to open up to someone I don't even know very well about deeply personal things – also against my will. I don't mind opening up to you or the girls or Mrs. Garrett. We're all close to each other. We're a family. But a person who's practically a stranger to me has got no right to see those parts of myself. What's happened to me…what I'm going through…is something that's private, Natalie. And being forced to talk about it with someone I don't know very well just feels like nothing more than another violation."
"I think I understand what you're saying. And for what it's worth, I agree that it should be your choice to go into counseling, not Mr. Bradley's. But I really don't think he's doing it to try to hurt you or make you feel bad. I think he really does want to help."
"I know he wants to help. I know Mrs. Garrett and the girls and my parents and everybody wants to help, and I appreciate it, but they can't help me with this, Natalie. Nobody can."
Natalie walked up closer to Tootie then and locked her gaze with Tootie's and said quietly, "I know. Just like nobody could help me come to terms with what happened to me when I was almost raped last year…except someone who really understood what I'd been through."
"Who are you talking about?"
"My grandmother. After she talked about how she was nearly raped herself by that Cossack in the Ukraine, it kind of opened a door between us. I eventually opened up to her about what I'd gone through, and having somebody like her I could talk to about what had happened to me – someone who understood in a way not even my parents or Mrs. Garrett could understand – really helped."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess it really does help talking to someone who's been through the same thing you have. Anyway, I'd much rather talk to you about what I'm going through than Mrs. Matthews."
"I know. I want to be positive about this. I want to believe that Mrs. Matthews will be helpful to you, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. My biggest concern is that because she hasn't been through it herself and doesn't understand, she'll say something stupid that'll only make you feel worse. Like when Mrs. Garrett came to talk to me when I kept wanting to hide away in my room, she meant well, but she said the stupidest things to me that only made things worse. I know that Mrs. Garrett was only trying to help, but she went about it all wrong."
In that moment, Mrs. Garrett couldn't help but want to listen more closely to what Natalie was saying, so she put down the knife she was polishing and paid closer attention, even though she knew she shouldn't.
"I was really scared and I was really hurting," Nat continued, "and at that particular time in my life, I just needed a little warmth and understanding and support. I did not need to be lectured at about overcoming my fear from someone who had absolutely no idea what I was going through. Like I said, I know Mrs. Garrett meant well and I know she didn't mean to make me feel worse, but that's what she did. For one thing, she actually had the nerve to compare what I was going through after nearly being raped to her fear of lightning that she had when she was a kid. I understand what she was trying to say; that fear was fear and it had to be overcome, but still, comparing almost being raped to some childhood fear of lightning was just stupid and disrespectful to me and everything I was going through.
"And for another thing, when I was going through all of that, I really, really felt like crap. I felt so cheap and so dirty and filthy, and just plain used. It was murder on me inside knowing that that sleazy pervert out there just wanted to use me for sex. What he did to me was disgusting, and it made me feel disgusting about myself on the inside. And while I was going through that, the last thing I needed was a lecture and a cheap guilt-trip from Mrs. Garrett. I just needed support from her, nothing else. I didn't need her to lecture me about not hiding in our room. After what I'd just been through, I needed to hide in our room for a while. And I needed to be the one to decide when I was ready to face the world again, on my terms, not Mrs. Garrett's. I didn't need that decision to be forced on me by Mrs. Garrett. I certainly didn't need her to lay a guilt-trip on me, telling me that I was shirking my responsibilities by not covering that self-defense class for the school paper. I felt crappy enough about myself already at the time. Guilt-trips like that from Mrs. Garrett were the last thing I needed to hear.
"And what was worst of all was that terrible self-defense class! I mean, the guy did do a good job of explaining different things we could do to help ourselves if an attacker should come after us, but the way he talked to me later on…well, it did a whole lot of damage to me inside. The way he got on my case about walking on my own out after dark and taking a shortcut rather than sticking to a well-lighted path…it all made me feel like he was saying that I was to blame for what had happened to me. It made me think about things I could do ahead of time to protect myself, sure, but after the class was over and the impact of what he said and how he said it started to set in, I really did feel like what had happened to me was my fault for a while. It was awful. I was already in so much pain inside, and Mrs. Garrett butting in and getting me to go to that class only made things so much worse for me. Most of the time, when Mrs. Garrett butts in and gives us a lecture about something, she's right, and it ends up being what's best for us, but this was one time when she really should've just backed the heck off."
"Yeah, it sounds like it," Tootie said thoughtfully, while Mrs. Garrett had to wipe several stray tears from her eyes.
"But in the end, everything worked out okay, because I was able to talk to Grandma about everything and it made us a lot closer. Because she's been through it too, she always understood what I was going through in ways Mrs. Garrett couldn't. Grandma's always been there for me through this, letting me know that what happened to me was never my fault. And she's always let me know that even though what that creep did to me made me feel pretty disgusting inside, I really was something special, despite what my feelings said."
After a pause, Tootie told Natalie, "You know, what you said about feeling used and dirty inside, knowing that that pervert had wanted to use you for sex? Well that's exactly how I feel right now."
"I know," Natalie said quietly.
"And now, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. Earl Brown may still be comatose in the ICU of a hospital in Washington, D.C., but I feel like he's always with me somehow, stalking me, just getting ready to jump out from a corner somewhere so he can attack me all over again."
"I know exactly what you mean. That's how I used to feel all the time after I was attacked."
"Do these feelings ever go away, Nat?"
There was a long silence before Natalie finally replied, "I don't want to be a downer, Tootie, but I don't want to lie to you, either. These feelings of fear never completely go away. They just become dormant for the most part. What my attacker did to me is something that will always be with me. I don't constantly have nightmares about it anymore like I used to. I'm not afraid of getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom like I was for a while. But there are still times when I'm in a dark hallway or I hear strangers walking behind me outside and I get scared. It's just something I've learned to live with.
"As for feeling dirty and used, thankfully, with my grandmother's help, I was able to get over that and not have it affect my overall self-esteem. And I'll be here for you just like Grandma was for me. Whenever you're feeling like that, I'll be here to remind you that you're beautiful and special. And you are beautiful and special, you know. I know you don't feel that way right now, but you are."
Tears filled Tootie's eyes in that moment as she said, "Thank you, Natalie. Right now, I think I'll just have to take your word for that."
"Take my word for it, Tootie. I'm telling you the truth," Nat insisted, and Tootie nodded. Then she asked, "I may not be Mrs. Garrett, but would you mind it if I gave you some advice?"
Tootie wiped her eyes then, and she shook her head and answered, "No, I wouldn't mind."
"Make your own decisions about your recovery. Don't let the school counselor or Mrs. Garrett or anybody else try to talk you into something that you don't feel ready for. Mrs. Garrett didn't realize this, but while I was hiding away in our room last year, I was taking some important time for myself that I really needed. I mean, I was hiding away because I was afraid, sure, but there was also something deeper going on. I wasn't just staying locked up in our room because of my fear; I was staying in our room building up my strength inside so that I could get out into the world again. If I'd just been given enough time, I would've faced the world again on my own, when I was ready, without Mrs. Garrett pushing me or lecturing me or laying crappy guilt-trips on me. I know Mrs. Garrett means well, but if you need to hide away from the world for a while in order to build up your strength again, do that, and don't let Mrs. Garrett or anybody tell you it's wrong. If Mrs. Garrett tries to lecture you about getting out in the world again before you truly feel ready to do so, listen, be polite and respectful, but at the end of the day, ignore her. With all due respect to her, this is not about what Edna Garrett wants. This is about what Tootie Ramsey needs."
"Thank you, Natalie. I'll remember that."
"And most important of all, remember, what happened to you was never your fault."
"I'll admit that I've kind of felt like it was," Tootie admitted as she fought off more tears. "I mean, I listened in that self-defense class. I paid attention. I always tried to remember everything the instructor taught us last year. But when I came home from the movies a couple of weeks ago and Earl was drunk and yelling at me and throwing things and breaking things, I panicked. I couldn't remember anything from that class. I was so terrified. I couldn't think. I tried to calm him down, but I just couldn't. Then all of the sudden, everything went black, and the next thing I knew, I was lying in a hospital bed and Mom was telling me I'd been raped. I keep thinking that if I'd just paid closer attention in that class or tried harder to remember everything the instructor said–"
"Tootie, it doesn't matter that you got scared and froze up. It doesn't matter that you couldn't remember everything the instructor said in that self-defense class. You said yourself that you tried your best to calm him down. That alone shows an incredible amount of bravery. You were courageous for even trying to talk to someone who was acting like that. And besides, a person has a right to be able to be safe in her own home. That stinking instructor tried to imply to me that my being attacked was my fault because I was walking home from the costume party alone at night and I took a shortcut. But he never had any right to imply that because the Eastland campus is supposed to be our home, and I had every right to feel safe on the grounds that are supposed to be my home for nine months out of the year. What happened to me was not my fault because I walked alone and took a shortcut; it was my attacker's fault because he believed it was okay to rape another person. And it's the exact same story with you. You should never have needed to try to remember training from a self-defense course in your own home in the first place. What happened to you was not your fault because you couldn't remember everything from the course. What happened to you was Earl Brown's fault because somewhere in his twisted, perverted, sick, evil mind, he believed it was okay to have sex with another person without her permission, a fourteen-year-old at that."
Again, Tootie teared up as she told Natalie, "Thank you for saying that. That really helps me."
Natalie hugged Tootie, and then she said, "I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it. Whenever you need to hear me say it again, just let me know."
"I will. Thank you. Personally, I think talking to someone like you, someone who's been there, is way more helpful than talking to any school counselor."
"Talking to someone like Grandma who knew what I was going through was certainly more helpful than talking to Mrs. Garrett who didn't have a clue; that's for sure. But then again, maybe there's something to be said for a psych degree. Maybe Mrs. Matthews just might be able to help you. But just remember, if she says something stupid like trying to compare the experience of being violated to a fear of lightning," Nat said as she rolled her eyes, "or if she tries to pull any cheap guilt-trips on you, ignore her. Don't get into an argument with her; that'll only make you feel worse. Just keep your mouth shut, be respectful and polite, and let every word she's saying go in one ear and out the other. If she pulls the same crap on you Mrs. Garrett pulled on me, ignore her."
"Wow. Mrs. Garrett really pissed you off, didn't she?"
"If Mrs. Garrett compared the terror of getting raped by Earl Brown to something as stupid as a fear of lightning, and if she guilt-tripped you into going to a self-defense course where the instructor made you feel like the hell you had gone through was your fault, wouldn't it piss you off?"
To say that Edna Garrett felt heartbroken and positively mortified in that instant would be an understatement. In that moment, she just wanted to crawl away and die.
Tootie nodded and said, "You're right. It would. Funny. Until now, I never thought it was even possible for Edna Garrett to give bad advice that would actually have bad consequences."
"It's rare, but it does happen, Tootie. You just have to remember that as wonderful as Mrs. Garrett is, she's not God. Sometimes, even the great Edna Garrett can be wrong about something and not know what she's talking about as much as she thinks she does."
"I never realized you were this mad at her."
"I try not to be. I really do love and respect Mrs. Garrett. I know she's done a whole lot for us and continues to do a whole lot for us on a daily basis. I've always appreciated that. And I really do know that she never meant to be disrespectful or hurtful. I know that she was only trying to do what she thought in her mind was best for me. I just don't want to see her making the same hurtful mistakes with you that she made with me."
"Don't worry, Nat. If Mrs. Garrett tries to lecture me and tries to compare the trauma of getting raped to a childhood fear of lightning, or if she tries to lay any unfair guilt-trips on me, I'll just remember what you said."
Natalie patted Tootie on the back then and said, "Good girl."
"I realize we just ate, but I'm in the mood for some comfort food, or to be more precise, a comfort beverage. You want to go into the kitchen and have a cup of hot chocolate with me?"
"I'll do better than that. I'll go into the kitchen with you and fix it for you."
"Thanks, Nat."
"After what you've been through lately, you more than deserve it. Come on."
Mrs. Garrett then quickly-but-quietly tiptoed through the cafeteria into the kitchen, and then she hurried upstairs to her room before Natalie and Tootie could run into her. And when she'd retreated to the privacy of her room, she allowed herself to break down and cry.
At first, her ego was pretty bruised after replaying Natalie's sharp words of criticism in her mind. She'd felt hurt and defensive. But after continuing to digest Natalie's biting criticism over the next couple of hours, the wise, mature adult in Edna took over and she began to realize just how right Natalie was. Maybe Mrs. Garrett had done a very great deal for Natalie and the girls over the years, but that didn't excuse the way she'd hurt Natalie, even if she'd never meant to hurt her. Mrs. Garrett really had thought at the time that by pushing, even guilt-tripping Natalie into coming out of her shell and going to that self-defense course, she'd been acting in Natalie's best interests. She was now horrified to learn just how very wrong she'd been, and that her advice to one of her girls had actually been so detrimental to her in the long run. As she really, really started thinking about how hard it all must've been on Natalie, being practically forced out into the world again before she was ready and being made to feel like she was to blame for being attacked on top of that, Edna became absolutely furious at herself. The last thing Edna had meant to do was be insensitive or disrespectful to Natalie during a difficult time, but that was exactly what she'd done, and she realized that now. And she made up her mind that night that she would put things right between Natalie and herself again as soon as possible.
So as soon as classes were over the following afternoon, Mrs. Garrett had Natalie meet her upstairs in her room for a discussion. When Natalie walked through the door, Mrs. Garrett was standing over by her desk, and Natalie approached her.
"Hey, Mrs. Garrett. What can I do for you?" Natalie asked pleasantly.
"Natalie, I asked you to come see me this afternoon because I've recently learned that I've made a terrible mistake, and I owe you an apology. A very big apology."
"What are you talking about?"
"I, uh…I was in the kitchen last night polishing the good silverware while you and Tootie were talking in the lounge. I couldn't help but overhear your conversation."
The instant Mrs. Garrett said that, there was a long, painful, awkward silence between them.
"I certainly apologize for eavesdropping," Edna finally continued in a deep, serious voice. "I know how wrong that was. It's just that when I started to overhear everything you were saying about me, it was practically impossible not to want to listen. My curiosity got the better of me, I guess.
"But most importantly, I want you to know that I am so sorry for the terrible way I handled things last year when you were attacked. When I heard everything you said about me, it hurt. It hurt me pretty badly, but as I really thought about it, I realized how right you were. It was disrespectful of me to try to compare a rape attempt to being afraid of lightning. It was even more disrespectful of me to resort to laying a guilt-trip on you during a time in your life when you were already in so much pain inside. I just want you to know that I am so sorry for everything; especially what happened later on that night at that self-defense class. I never realized that the way that instructor talked to you that night would eventually make you feel like what had happened to you was your fault. But now that I look back on it, I can see it that it was terribly wrong the way he talked to you."
"You can say that again," Natalie agreed. "The way he talked to me that night…he just made me feel like I had done something wrong instead of my attacker. He made me feel like I was being put on the spot and had to defend myself when I was the innocent person and the victim. It only rubbed salt into my wounds during a time in my life when I was already vulnerable and in an incredible amount of pain."
Edna locked her eyes with Natalie's and told her once again, "I am so sorry. I thought – I hoped – that going to that class would help you take back some of the control of your life that you'd felt like you'd lost. I had no idea that pushing you into going to that class would have such painful consequences for you, and again, I am deeply sorry.
"I also didn't realize what was going on inside of you at the time. I just wanted so badly to help you put it behind you and move on that I didn't understand what a big mistake it was to push you so hard into getting back out into the world again. It just worried me so much seeing someone as lively and outgoing as you becoming so withdrawn, and I simply wanted to help you get back to your normal self as soon as possible. I didn't understand how important it was to give you time away from the world so you could get your strength back and begin to heal. I understand it all now, and believe me, Natalie, if I had known then what I know now, I would have done things very differently."
"I know you would, Mrs. Garrett," Nat said kindly. "And I won't lie. Deep down, I've been kind of hurt and angry about this whole thing for a long time. It was just so hard to talk about that in the end, I simply wound up burying it. But I appreciate your apology, and I accept it."
"Thank you. You know how much I love you and the girls, Natalie."
"I know."
"And whenever I butt in and give you girls advice and try to nudge you into doing things that you might not want to do, I really am trying to act in your best interests."
"I realize that, and most of the time, what you do for all of us is in our best interests. We all know that, Mrs. Garrett."
"Yes, but like this whole incident has proven, there are also times when I get it wrong. And if and when I do get it wrong again, I don't want you to bury it, Natalie. I want you to tell me if I ever make another mistake that hurts you so I can put it right. Okay?"
Natalie nodded and said, "Okay."
In the following moment, they gave each other a big hug, and then Mrs. Garrett said, "Now that that's settled, I need to ask your advice about something, if you don't mind."
Natalie gave a surprised smile and remarked, "You need my advice?"
"Yes. Very much so."
"Shoot."
"This entire thing has made me realize that while all my years of living and parenting have given me the tools I need to help you girls through a lot of day-to-day problems, there are some areas where I am simply out of my league. What you and Tootie have gone through with sexual assault is one of them. Even though I've never been through it myself, I honestly believed that I knew how to help you last year. Now I realize that I didn't know what I was doing, even though I thought at the time that I did. I don't want to make that same mistake again. I want to be as helpful to Tootie as I possibly can, but I'm afraid that if I do try to help her, I might inadvertently make things worse for her like I did for you. So this time around, I'm asking an expert. Based on your experiences, Natalie, what would you say is the best thing I can do now to help Tootie through this?"
After a short pause, Natalie asked, "Do you want me to be really honest, even if it hurts?"
Edna looked into Natalie's eyes again and answered, "Absolutely. Tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, even if it hurts. I think now is one of those times in my life where I could use a little constructive criticism."
"Okay. You know I love you, Mrs. Garrett, and you know I don't mean any disrespect, but since you want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, here it is. The vast majority of the time, you're really wonderful. You're thoughtful and warm and loving and kind and honest, and whenever any of us have a problem, you never hesitate to jump in and try to help us. You have a very big heart. But, there are some times in our lives, like when I was attacked last year, when you are too quick to lecture us and too slow to support us."
"What do you mean?"
"Last year when I was hiding in our room reading Walden, the last thing I needed was for you to come in and lecture me. I did not need lectures. I needed support. I did not need you to guilt-trip me or get on my case to do something I wasn't ready to do yet. For a while, what that rapist did to me really took a toll on my self-esteem. I felt so dirty and used, and what I needed from you was simply for you to put your arm around me and tell me that no matter what that creep did to me, I was still something special." A tear came to Edna's eye the moment Natalie told her that, and in the next instant, she quickly wiped it away. "And I needed you to just step back and let me stay in our room and read Walden for a while until I felt strong enough to face life again," she continued. "And while I was in our room, taking a rest and regaining my emotional strength, I needed you to encourage me to do what I felt I needed to do for myself, and I needed you to remind me that you were in my corner.
"And that's what you have to do for Tootie now. What I told Tootie last night about making her own decisions about her recovery was extremely important. Tootie needs to be the one to decide what she's ready to do and when she's ready to do it. That needs to be her decision, not yours. What she needs from you and from all of us is to be reminded on a regular basis that no matter what Earl Brown did to her, she's still something special. She also needs all of us to frequently remind her that what happened to her was never her fault. In other words, like I just said a moment ago, what Tootie needs is support, not lectures. And she certainly doesn't need any guilt-trips, either. Whatever tools you want to use in your parental arsenal to help Tootie, you have to understand that from this point on until future notice, guilt-trips are off the table. Guilt-trips are not an option right now."
"Yes, ma'am," Edna said seriously.
"And since you've made it clear that you want the whole truth, I'm going to go ahead and say something that's painfully blunt."
"Be my guest."
"Trying to relate to what Tootie and I have gone through when you haven't been through it yourself – doing things like comparing a rape attempt to a childhood fear of lightning – is just plain stupid. Don't try to relate. Don't try to act like you understand because you don't. You can't. Don't try to tell Tootie how to deal with this. Unless, God forbid, she resorts to something terrible like drugs or alcohol, then don't try to tell her that the way she's coping with this is wrong; she has to find her own way through this. Don't lecture her about anything. Don't give her any advice unless she asks for it. The girls and I usually take our lead from you, but this is one time where you need to let Tootie lead. Remind her that you're here for her. Go out of your way to make her feel like she's something special right now. Remind her that what happened to her wasn't her fault. Tell her how much you love her. Give her all the support you can…and then back off."
"Yes, ma'am," Mrs. Garrett said again in a whisper, and then Natalie gave an understanding nod.
After another couple of moments of silence, Natalie turned around and started walking out of Mrs. Garrett's room.
"Oh, Natalie?" she called after her, and Natalie stopped. Then Mrs. Garrett walked up to Natalie and faced her, and then she put her hands on her shoulders and told her, "I am so sorry I didn't say this to you when you needed to hear it, but I'm saying it now. You are now, you always have been, and you always will be something remarkably special. What that monster did to you was never your fault, and I am so very sorry that that instructor made you feel like it was. And I am always, always in your corner."
Natalie had to fight off some tears of her own then as she reached out and gave Mrs. Garrett another hug. After Edna kissed her cheek, Natalie said, "Thank you, Mrs. Garrett. I really appreciate you saying that."
Once the embrace ended, Mrs. Garrett said, "It's true. And the next time you need support from me and you need me to tell you those things, please, please let me know."
"I will," said Natalie.
"Oh, and Natalie?" Mrs. Garrett called after her just as she put her hand on the doorknob.
Natalie turned and said, "Yes?"
"Thanks for the advice."
Nat smiled and told her, "You're welcome." Mrs. Garrett returned the smile, and then Natalie walked out the door.
Over the course of the next three weeks, Mrs. Garrett followed Natalie's advice to the letter. Like Natalie, Tootie was now also reluctant to get out and go places, and more than anything else, she just simply wanted to stay in the girls' room listening to her records. And this time, Mrs. Garrett knew not to push her. It was hard for her to see Tootie so withdrawn, but she knew now that Tootie needed to withdraw from the world for a while, and she was respectful of that. This time, thankfully, she was quick to support and slow to lecture. She was always there to give Tootie a listening ear or a hug or a shoulder to cry on whenever she needed it, and she let Tootie know over and over and over again that she was something special and that what had happened to her was not her fault.
Back during Tootie's first year at Eastland, she'd been the youngest girl in the dorm where Mrs. Garrett worked as housemother, and because she was the youngest, she was often the most sensitive, and she'd needed a little more one-on-one attention from Mrs. Garrett than the others. So whenever she had questions about things or something worried her or frightened her and she felt she couldn't talk about it with Natalie or the other girls, she'd wait until they all fell asleep and then she'd go into Mrs. Garrett's room and talk with her until she felt better. When Tootie and the girls got into trouble a couple of years ago and Tootie ended up moving out of the dorm and across the hall from Mrs. Garrett, they continued their talks. Sometimes, some of their discussions went on for hours and hours, but even though Mrs. Garrett missed a good night's sleep every now and then, she never complained, and she genuinely enjoyed being there for Tootie. And ever since Tootie returned to Eastland for the new school year, she and Mrs. Garrett were having their late-night talks far more frequently, but again, Mrs. Garrett never complained about the lack of sleep and she couldn't possibly have been more supportive. When Tootie knocked on Mrs. Garrett's door late one night, she welcomed Tootie into her room once again. However, she honestly wasn't expecting the bombshell Tootie delivered.
When Mrs. Garrett heard a knock at her door at twenty past eleven that night, she called, "Come in."
Tootie opened the door and walked in, and Mrs. Garrett greeted her with her usual warm smile. Even though it was a little late, Mrs. Garrett had decided to stay up for a while that night anyway just in case Tootie decided to pay her a visit. When Tootie came in, Mrs. Garrett's light was still on and her bed was still made, and Mrs. Garrett was sitting on the side of her bed, still in her day clothes.
"Hi, Mrs. Garrett," Tootie said softly.
"Hello, dear. Come. Have a seat," she told her as she patted the bed beside her, and then Tootie came over and sat down next to her. "What's on your mind tonight?"
"I'm wondering when this nightmare will ever end."
"Oh, but you've been doing so well. On Saturday night, you and the girls went to out to the football game over at Bates. Then yesterday morning, you let me take you out to breakfast. You've been making wonderful progress."
"And I really appreciate you taking me to breakfast yesterday, by the way. I was pretty scared, but I still managed to have somewhat of a good time in spite of my fear."
"Oh, it was my pleasure. I just want to do everything I possibly can to help you through this."
"And you have been helping me through this. I'll never forget about a week after I first came back to school when I suddenly discovered that big bouquet of pink and yellow roses on the top bunk, and that sweet card from you explaining what pink roses and yellow roses stood for. I always knew that yellow roses were for friendship, but I didn't know that pink roses stood for admiration. And when I read everything you said about how the bouquet was your way of telling me that you would always be my friend and that you admired me, that helped me so much. You gave me quite a boost that day."
Edna locked her eyes with Tootie's then and said, "I'm so glad. But what is it that's got you so upset now?"
"It's been over five weeks since it happened, Mrs. Garrett. I don't know. I was kind of hoping I'd be a little more over it by now. But even though I'm doing the best I can with my classes and my work in the cafeteria, and even though I keep trying to move on with my life, I'm still shaking inside." Saying nothing, Mrs. Garrett responded simply by stroking her cheek. "I am so tired of that feeling," Tootie continued. "I just want everything to go back to the way it was five and a half weeks ago. I want to be able to step outside and not feel terrified that someone's going to attack me. I want to stop having nightmares. I want to stop having my memories of Earl Brown constantly invading my thoughts. I want my life back, Mrs. Garrett."
Mrs. Garrett pulled Tootie into her arms then and kissed the top of her head, and as she started rocking her, she told her, "I know, sweetheart. I know. And I know that it's a slow process and that it gets frustrating, but you are taking your life back, Tootie. I wish I could help you get it all back all at once, but it doesn't work that way after such a traumatic experience. I know I've never been through anything close to what you have over these past few weeks, and I won't try to pretend to understand what it's been like for you because there's no way that I can. But if you don't mind my sharing my opinion, I personally believe that emotionally recovering from something like this is a journey that's made up of baby steps. I know the long road ahead can get frustrating, but every step you take to conquer your fears, no matter how small it may seem, is incredibly courageous and matters so much. Going out to that football game and coming to breakfast with me were very gutsy steps that you took towards reclaiming your life. Even doing something as simple as helping the girls take out the garbage like you did last night, when you're clearly afraid to go outside, is an important baby step. And I know it doesn't feel like you're doing great right now, but believe me, you are. You're doing an incredible job, and I couldn't be prouder of you."
Tootie looked up into Mrs. Garrett's eyes and said, "Thank you, Mrs. Garrett. I know you've told me about a thousand times before how great I was doing, but I think I needed to hear it again."
"You are doing great, Tootie. Just try to remember to be patient with yourself."
"That's what Mrs. Matthews told me today, too. You know, I was pretty angry with Mr. Bradley for making me go into counseling at first. Now, I'm actually glad he was so pushy about it. During my first session with her, I was so angry about having to open up to someone I barely knew, and I let her know it. But she's always been very respectful. She's never tried to make me talk about anything I wasn't ready to talk about, and she's given me a chance to get to know her first before getting into really personal things with me. She's a lot easier to talk to than I thought she'd be."
"I'm very happy to hear that."
"But there are some things I know I can never talk about with her, or with my parents or the girls. I can't even talk about this with Natalie right now."
"Talk about what, sweetheart?" Mrs. Garrett asked gently.
Tootie let out a sigh in that moment, and then she got up and started pacing nervously. Mrs. Garrett waited patiently for her to pace some of her tension out of her system, and when she was ready to talk again, she stood still and looked Mrs. Garrett in the eye. Then she finally answered, "I have this really, really, really huge fear sitting in the back of my brain. And when I say fear, I don't mean your typical average phobia like a fear of heights or a fear of the dark. I'm talking worst nightmare type scenario. I'm talking about something that's even worse than what I've already been through."
"What could be worse than that?" Mrs. Garrett questioned, her eyes still locked with Tootie's.
After a long pause, Tootie replied, "Teenage pregnancy."
Mrs. Garrett's face fell, and to put it mildly, she was shocked and deeply worried by what Tootie just said. She slowly rose from her seat, and then she approached Tootie and put her hand on her shoulder. "Tootie, are you trying to tell me that…you think you might be pregnant?"
Tootie shook her head and responded, "As of right now, I don't think so. I think I'm just overreacting and jumping the gun. But no matter how hard I try to look at this logically and not buy into all the crazy fears in the back of my head, I just can't keep my mind off them, and I keep imagining the worst."
"And why are you having these 'crazy fears'? What's going on that makes you think you might possibly be pregnant?"
After a short, silent moment, Tootie told her, "I should have gotten my period two weeks ago, but it never came. And my periods are always regular; they always come every twenty-eight or twenty-nine days like clockwork. I know a lot of women and girls have irregular periods sometimes, but not me. Ever since I entered puberty, I've never missed a single one…until now."
"Have you had any other unusual symptoms?"
"No."
"Well, I understand your concern, Tootie, but a missed period doesn't always mean pregnancy. Sometimes stress can affect your cycles, and it's quite obvious that you have been under terrible emotional stress over these past few weeks. Sometimes a person's emotional state can have a physical effect on her body."
"That's what I keep trying to tell myself. I actually decided that I wasn't going to say anything about it to anyone, not even you, unless I missed another period. But I'm just so scared. I try to put it in the back of my mind and not think about it, but the fears and the questions are always there, gnawing away at me. Questions like, 'What'll I tell my parents?' and 'How will they react?' and 'Will they be there for me if I am pregnant?' and 'Will I have to leave Eastland?' And of course, there's the biggie: 'How in the world will I be able to take care of a baby at fourteen?'"
"Now let's try not to get ahead of ourselves. I don't want you to keep imagining the worst case scenario and worrying yourself sick. But then again, I don't want you to avoid this, either. Let's give this a little more time and see if any more symptoms come up or if you miss another period. If, God forbid, that should happen, then we'll call your parents and take you to see a doctor."
"Okay, Mrs. Garrett," Tootie said quietly. "And I know you're right. I know it's a bit soon to be worrying about the worst case scenario, but I just can't help it. I need to know that even if the worst is true and I am pregnant, my baby and I are going to be okay somehow; that either my parents will be understanding and give me the help and support I'll need to take care of it, or that my baby will go to a loving family. I need to know that if I am pregnant and push comes to shove, Mr. Bradley isn't going to make me leave Eastland, because if I'm going to be having a baby, I'm going to need you and the girls now more than ever."
"Oh, sweetheart," Edna whispered, and then she gave Tootie the longest hug. With her arms still wrapped around her, Edna said, "I know that life has been more painful and frightening for you over these past few weeks than it ever has been before. I know you've been through something I can't even imagine. And I know the world is a very scary place for you right now and it's hard not to think of things like this and be afraid. I truly wish I could look you in the eye and promise you with absolute certainty that you're not pregnant and that you're worrying for nothing, but I can't.
"But what I can promise you is that if the worst case scenario turns out to be true, I will do everything within my power to help you through it. I'm sure your parents will be supportive, but if they're not, then I'll talk to them, and I'll also talk to Mr. Bradley and do my best to make sure you're allowed to stay here with us where you belong."
"Thank you," Tootie said as she started to tear up, and Mrs. Garrett kissed the top of her head once again.
"Like I've been saying, I know it's hard not to think the worst, but try not to. Let's just take this one day at a time. One step at a time."
"Okay," Tootie sighed, and then their long embrace finally ended. After a short quiet moment, Tootie then asked, "Can I stay here with you for a while, Mrs. Garrett? I don't want to talk about anything else right now. I just don't want to be by myself in my bed, thinking and worrying and tossing and turning."
"I understand, love. Of course you can stay here with me for as long as you want. We don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to. We can just sit together."
"Thanks," Tootie whispered.
After Tootie and Mrs. Garrett went back over to the bed and sat down together, Mrs. Garrett put her arms around Tootie yet again, and once more, she started to rock her.
