A/N: Two Chapter Ones?! Yeah, I thought I'd try something a little bit different with this fic. Each chapter shall have two sides to it, one from Lennith's POV, and the other from Cullen's. The idea first came to mind when I realized how much is actually going on in Cullen's mind and heart that it only seemed right to give him his own view of things. I could very well just jump back and forth between POVs during each chapter, but I admit, I'm not very good at it; very often words and views get mussed up, and even I forget whose POV I'm currently focusing on. *weep* Oh, well.
Exigo
Chapter One
Location: Circle Tower, Lake Calenhad
POV: Cullen
Discipline.
...training to act in accordance with rules...
...a regimen that improves a skill...
...training effect of experience...
...behavior in accord with rules of conduct...
Greagoir had given the templars multiple explanations and definitions of the word. He had told them over and over again that every templar, every soldier, every person, should know the word, embrace it, and make it a part of his or her world. But at the moment, all Cullen knew of the word was that it was the reason he was standing so patiently in the hallway outside the mage quarters on the second floor.
As he did every day, although nothing ever happened.
As he did every day, ever since that Maker forsaken event with Uldred.
Part of him wanted to sigh, both in frustration and for want of something to do. But it was because of discipline that he just adjusted his weight and straightened his back. Besides, he would be relieved of his post soon enough, and he would be free to do what he wanted in those few hours he had before he would get some sleep. By then, he wouldn't want to sigh any more.
A couple of apprentices passed him some time later, their heads bowed together, their voices hushed whispers. It was a sight he was used to seeing, mages whispering whenever they passed him, whenever they passed any templar, really. At first, he could remember how much it bothered him, and how his mind immediately jumped to conclusions – they were planning something that they shouldn't; they were really blood mages, left over from the Uldred catastrophe. Very often, he would run to Greagoir at the end of his shift and tell the Knight-Commander everything. Cullen knew how annoyed Greagoir was at these times, but he didn't care. He needed the Knight-Commander to listen! Because what it, what if...
How many months had he spent on those conspiracy theories? Cullen wasn't sure, and he wanted to sigh, again, this time at himself. He was thankful, though. Greagoir was certainly annoyed with him, but he was still patient, still understanding. It had not been he who had been tortured, and so Greagoir had granted him quite a bit of leeway.
"You are a good templar, my boy," Greagoir had told him on many occasions, "but you need to stop worrying about the what ifs and concentrate on what is happening now, in the present."
The Knight-Commander's words never really had an effect on him. Cullen listened, certainly, but, the words never assuaged his fears. He tried forgetting about what had happened, up near the Harrowing Chamber, but it was not easy, and despite all of his discipline, he only found himself becoming more and more upset, annoyed, angry... Part of him knew it was because of those negative emotions that he even had any energy. He knew that if he wasn't as upset, as angry as he was over the whole episode, that he would probably just lie curled up in bed, mourning his friends and wondering why he hadn't died with them.
But then the Blight was over, and everything seemed to have changed. His black and gray world finally started to see some color as he realized--
"Oi, Cullen."
Looking up, Cullen's eyes fell on an approaching templar, Chasan, from the sound of his voice. That was strange.. Chasan wasn't the one who should be relieving him. And wasn't it even a bit too early for his shift to be over?
"Greagoir told me to come find you. He's holding a meeting and wants all the templars there."
All the templars? Beneath his helm, Cullen frowned. Why would Greagoir call all the templars together so late at night? Immediately, his heart began to pound. "Is something wrong?" he reached up to remove his helm.
Chasan shrugged. "Nothing ground breaking, I assume. He just told me to find all the templars on this floor and tell them to head upstairs. He didn't seem worried or anything. Actually, he seemed a bit happy.."
Adjusting the helm to hold it under his right arm, against his side, Cullen nodded, the beating of his heart already slowing. "I shall head upstairs immediately," he nodded before turning and moving towards the staircase.
"Yep, see you up there!"
He continued to frown as he climbed the staircases leading up to the templar's floor. What could cause Greagoir to be happy enough to call all the templars together for a meeting so late at night? Cullen could not fathom an answer, and so rather than worry over it, he simply followed the familiar path towards the chapel and stood towards the back, waiting for the rest of the templars, and Greagoir, to arrive.
When the rebuilding of the Circle had started, a few templars stepped forwards with a suggestion. The templar floor always contained their sleeping quarters, a training room, Greagoir's office, and a meeting room. They suggested that rather than rebuild the meeting room, it be renovated and turned into a chapel that could serve as both a chapel and a meeting room. Everyone knew the real reason for the suggestion was because none of the surviving templars trusted the mages, especially with how the chapel down a few floors had been destroyed. But, Greagoir acquiesced, finding the idea, despite it's intentions, quite suitable. It turned out that he had actually always wanted a chapel for the templars themselves.
Some few minutes later, when everyone had arrived and Greagoir stood towards the front, Cullen took a seat in one of the pews, placing his helm beside him on the wooden seat.
"Starting tonight," Greagoir began, "some of you will have new orders. It seems the Tower has a new visitor, or should I say, a returned mage. We do not know how long she will be staying, but I feel that we need to take a few extra precautions for the duration of her stay. Before I go any further, I will need four volunteers who are willing to have a change in their normal stations."
For the briefest of seconds, Cullen thought of volunteering, but he immediately turned the idea down. He was used to his station in the hall from mid-morning to night, and didn't see why he should change it. One station was probably going to be just as boring as another.
"Very well," Greagoir nodded. "Chasan, Saevan, Reon and Tyan. Starting tonight, you four will take up a new post, switching every other night, outside a room on this floor. Chasan and Saevan, you two will start tonight, Reon and Tyan, you will begin tomorrow night. The rest of you must begin to be more vigilant, for I do not know what will happen to the Tower with our new arrival."
"Two templars for one mage? Isn't that a little excessive, Knight-Commander?"
Cullen wasn't sure who it was that spoke up, but, he actually agreed with the speaker. What could prompt Greagoir to post two templars outside one room on the templar's floor for one mage? In all his time in the Tower, it had not happened before.
"Perhaps, but it is not every day the Tower plays host to a woman who is both a mage and a Grey Warden," Greagoir replied.
Immediately, the chapel was filled with chatter as every single person in the room knew of whom Greagoir spoke. How could they not? Cullen found himself staring at the pew before him. Had he.. had he heard right? She would, had, returned to the Tower?
Greagoir raised his hands for silence. Although quite a bit of the chatter died down, the chapel was far from silent.
"How can we treat the Grey Warden like this?" it was Chasan who spoke up this time, his helm on the pew beside him. He was standing up now, anger playing across his face. "We are all alive because of her!" Various groups of templars vocally agreed with him.
"We are in a chapel dedicated to the Maker, I will have quiet," Greagoir responded, his eyes narrowing as he waited for the templars to quiet down. His gaze turned to Chasan, and the younger templar sat back down. "We all know that Blights occur every few centuries. More often than not, all Grey Wardens die during the fight against the archdemon. As it appears that never before has a Grey Warden who was also a mage survived a Blight, the Chantry and I feel it would be wise that we took extra precautions. We do not know the state of her mind, nor how her connection to the Fade has changed now that the Blight is over. So while she stays within the Tower, she will be watched, and carefully."
When multiple templars once more began to protest, Greagoir raised his hands and shook his head. "You have your orders, that is all." Without another word, Greagoir left the room. The noise within the chapel nearly tripled.
"This isn't right."
"So because she saved the world, she now has to be guarded by two templars every night?"
"Maybe it's a good idea.. I mean, maybe something might happen while she's here."
"Yeah, because something happened this entire year since the Blight."
Cullen vaguely heard what the other templars were saying, but it wasn't really registering. He was still stuck on the fact that she was back in the Tower, the woman he had dreamed about innumerous times, the woman he had scorned, the woman who had saved his sanity. For a moment, he couldn't fathom it – why would she come back? But what did that matter. The fact was that she was in the Tower, and he had no idea how to react.
As though he were in a daze, Cullen picked up his helm and left the chapel. He went straight to his sleeping quarters, shut the door and sat down on his bed, still fully clad in his templar armor. Images of two years ago began to manifest in his mind: the times he saw her in the halls when she was an apprentice, her Harrowing, after her Harrowing... His mind jumped forward to the time he was caught in Uldred's prison, to the secret dreams he had of her, brought forth by blood mages.. the images of her standing outside his prison, except they weren't images, it was really her. Part of him had been so happy to see her, alive and uncorrupted, but then he realized she was a mage.. and mages needed to die.
Grunting, Cullen closed his eyes and leaned forward to rest his face in his gauntlet-covered hands. He could remember, as though it were yesterday, how much hate and scorn he had for all mages, including her. He couldn't understand why she wouldn't destroy all those who might have been corrupted by blood mages, who might have been blood mages themselves. The only conclusion he could come to was that she was a blood mage as well. Why else would she risk everyone and everything?
So much hatred... so much scorn... so much spite... It had been as though he were nothing but an empty vessel, devoid of all thought and feeling. That emptiness made room for all the negative emotions he had begun to embrace. And soon he was no longer empty, soon he was filled to the brim with anger and resentment and derision. It was all he knew, all he could understand, all he wanted to understand.
But he had been a good person, once. He had known happiness, joy, bliss, perhaps even love. And although those emotions were stowed away in some tiny part of himself, they were still there, and slowly, they began to eat away at the hate. Soon, he was just tired. He didn't want to be so angry anymore, he didn't want to hate everything and everyone. The negative and the positive eventually clashed, neither beating the other into submission, and so everything turned black and gray.
The past was the past, and he had finally begun to realize that. But no longer could he see the good or the bad in things. Things just were, they just existed. Days passed, and the anger turned to a feeling of just being numb. It was hard to think, hard to speak, hard to do his job. Cullen didn't see much of a point in doing anything, but part of him kept living from day to day, some part of him fought off the insanity and hung on for dear life to the sanity. Perhaps it was discipline...
Shaking his head, the templar looked up and stared at the wall opposite him. It was just a midnight blue stone, like the rest of the Tower. Nothing was written or drawn on it, there were no cracks or abnormalities. But because of its pristine perfection, he could see reflected on it what he saw in his mind: memories of a year ago.
He could see images of her... images of her and blurred shapes representing random Fereldens. The Blight was ended, and everyone was celebrating, including her. Suddenly, it was as though he could see in color again. The sky was no longer gray, it was a beautiful pale blue. The grass no longer black but its natural green. The dull aching of his heart was finally beginning to subside, and he was starting to see a reason for living, of surviving.
It had taken almost the entire year, from the end of the Blight up until recently, for Cullen to fully shrug off his depression. Things finally started to make sense again, things seemed to matter. He was finally seeing how life was a valuable thing, and although he would probably spend the rest of his in the Tower, he would at least treasure it. Ferelden was saved, and he, like all other Fereldens, was given a second chance at life (although a third in his case, considering the Tower beforehand). He would not squander it. He may be bored from time to time, but he would not waste what he had, what his friends had lost. And it was all thanks to her.
But what would happen now? She was back in the Tower, and certainly, at some point, he would see her. What would her reaction be? Would she hate him for how he had last treated her? He hoped not, Maker forbid, he hoped not.
Getting up from his bed, Cullen removed his armor, wondering what exactly would happen now that the Grey Warden was back at the Circle Tower. He had so many questions and no answers. But one thing was for certain: his heart felt lighter and the familiar tingle at the back of his stomach that he hadn't felt since her Harrowing seemed to have returned.
A/N: Chasan, Saevan, Reon and Tyan were just names I picked for some templars. None of them are in the game, so don't go looking for them.
