Irrationality, an Eiichi/Nagi fic

Irrationality (2/3)
Author: cutiexnagi (tumblr), mikkimikka (ff)
Rating: R or NC-17
Pairing: Eiichi x Nagi
Summary: Nagi wonders what Eiichi really wants from him

Part 2 – Nagi

Mikado Nagi was finally acknowledged as an adult and that was good. He wasn't stupid. He'd seen porn and touched himself before. Most boys his age these days did it. He knew sex was supposed to feel good and the more he did it with Eiichi the more it did.

H wasn't averse to the sex. It was interesting and his body enjoyed it. Though he initially did it because it thrilled him to be wanted in that adult way and that he was adult enough to handle it. He reveled in the way Eiichi slowly began to change. He wasn't being talked down to anymore; they were more like equals. When they walked together (for Nagi more like skipped) Eiichi slowed his pace not because he didn't want to have Nagi "get into trouble" but rather because he just wanted to be beside him.

It was little things like that Nagi especially liked and he was glad he choose Eiichi to become and adult with and that Eiichi chose him. The thing was, what was the use of becoming an adult if only one person saw you as one. As valued as Eiichi's opinion was, it didn't mean the world.

In reality there was much more needed to be done to reach validation and he couldn't figure out how to rush it. Because yes Nagi was aware of the fact he was 13 and normally 13 year olds were still kids but Nagi felt himself to be an exception. He was a mature and responsible working person and miles above the others in his age range.

And he had a superhot older guy boyfriend. That definitely put him ahead.

But no matter how Nagi felt, their relationship was risky and Eiichi wouldn't stop reminding him of that. Even when Eiichi was being as risky as he was. Dropping hints off in magazine articles about how special Nagi was to him as one thing but stolen kisses in the hallway was another.

Nagi didn't mind though. He didn't really want to hide it. He knew that Eiichi was completely against anyone including Kira knowing. But Nagi felt wouldn't the world knowing just help them see for themselves how grown up he'd become.

Eiichi's hold on Nagi's waist tightened. It wasn't the most practical position to do homework in. Nagi was seated on Eiichi's lap in front of the kotatsu but it was comfortable so neither made the effort to move. As Nagi worked Eiichi relaxed and watched television.

It was some variety show with Ranmaru of Quartet Night being set on a fake blind date with a female idol. Ranmaru was the type of idol who was pretty interesting to see on variety. He wasn't annoying like Reiji, bland like Ai or overwhelmingly fake like Camus. Nagi figured Eiichi would do the best from his team on those kinds of shows. Kira had no camera sense sometimes and Nagi had to admit to himself he had very little idea about romance.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework?" Eiichi asked, having must noticed the boy on his lap more focused on the television than his notebook.

"You're the one watching it when you know I'm working!" Nagi pouted.

Nagi's pout remained even as Eiichi hugged him tighter and nuzzled into the space between his neck and shoulder. It was then that Kira returned to the apartment. He kicked off his shoes and entered the living area. If he was surprised to see Eiichi he didn't show it.

"Welcome home," Nagi said.

And Eiichi greeted too but made no move to change positions. It was exactly that kind of behavior that convinced Nagi that maybe just a bit Eiichi wanted people to know about them.

"Did you already eat dinner?" asked Nagi. "There is still rice in the cooker and I just opened new furikake."

"I'm fine," Kira said.

He moved to the kotatsu and flopped down glancing at the TV.

It wasn't until Eiichi was out the door an hour later that Kira spoke again. Nagi had comeback from seeing Eiichi off and Kira was regarding him curiously. Nagi's senses tingled beneath his gaze. Did Kira know his secret? Was he aware of what it all meant?

He wanted to tell him so badly but knew he couldn't just blurt it.

"Was Eiichi helpful?"

"Huh?"

"With your homework."

Nagi nodded, "Yeah. He helped a lot! Maybe even better than you!"

Kira looked skeptical.

"I'm going to bed."

Nagi leapt up and all but ran into his room. Once in he dived under his blankets, knocking aside some of his stuffed animals in the process.

What was he supposed to compare his situation to? He'd seen movies and watched dramas but nothing about 13 year old boys with 23 year old guys. Nagi pulled out his phone and opened LINE and seeing the last message in him and Eiichi's chat was a stamp from Nagi. It was the rabbit, Cony, hugging the bear Brown.

Nagi sent an angry Cony which Eiichi replied automatically with James blowing hearts and then another with James holding beer.

"Are you drinking?"

"Out with friends, yeah."

"You left me here all along to drinking with friends?!"

"Hurry up and turn 20."

"Fuck you!"

Eiichi replied with a laughing Moon.

"I'd love to but Kira's there…"

Nagi tossed his phone to the side. He wasn't in the mood for the bullshit even from his boyfriend. Eiichi and he did do couple things like go to the aquarium or get food when they had time which was super rare. Most of the time thought they stayed in the house which was also fine but all Eiichi ever wanted to do was have sex.

Nagi liked sex. It was fine. But he also would like to rent movies or play video games sometimes too. The only reason they hadn't fucked that day was because of Nagi's mountain of homework, though Nagi wagered if Eiichi had his way he'd do Nagi while he did his homework.

That last message was further proof of Eiichi's one track mind. Did he only think about doing it? Was that the reason he wanted to be together with Nagi?

It started to get to the point where Eiichi only benefited from the relationship and Nagi didn't. Nagi liked Eiichi, he liked being treated like an adult by Eiichi and he didn't want to lose their special relationship. However, he otherwise gained nothing.

Eiichi wouldn't let him even tell Kira who was basically like an older brother and best friend. Nor did anyone else yet see him as an adult no matter how Eiichi treated him.

But Eiichi just seemed so happy. He didn't want to tell anyone, he got to fuck on demand, and still lead on an outwardly single lifestyle. He still went out to drink and party with friends, flirted shamelessly with most girls, not just their fans, and joke loudly about how he's too busy and/or perfect to fall in love.

All of that right in Nagi's face. It was enough to drive anyone mad.

His phone chimed again.

"How about I come back later?"

"Kira's here."

"We'll be quiet."

Nagi rolled his eyes again not even bothering to reply. He buried himself inside his blankets and fell asleep.

A few hours later Nagi found himself being awakened from his sleep by what was obviously Eiichi. He smelled heavily of smoke and his breathe of beer. Nagi wrinkled his nose.

"Go away," he cried sleepily as Eiichi cuddled into his back. The buckles of Eiichi's leather jacket pressed roughly into his back through his thin pajamas.

"No, I missed my Nagi," Eiichi replied.

Nagi sighed and closed his eyes as he felt Eiichi's hands began to move around and explore his body. Eiichi's lips roamed along his cheeks, jaw and neck. Nagi whimpered as a nipple was pinched and lifted his hips to allow Eiichi to pull off his pajamas. He kicked his pajama pants and the sheets off and turned to face Eiichi, leaning in to kiss him.

It was hot and frantic. Eiichi was not drunk. Nagi had had drunk sex him before and it was not fun. Rather he had a pleasant buzz that was nearly worn off. Nagi wasn't allowed to drink even just a little because of his image. Underage idols risked loss of contract if they did but Nagi was all too familiar with the taste of Suntory and Asahi.

He sat up straddling Eiichi and grinding his hips down on the other's lap. Eiichi bucked up against him and tightened his grip on Nagi's bare hips.

"Why did you even come back?"

"I needed to see you," Eiichi said, running a hand up Nagi's pale body and letting ti come to rest on the other's cheek.

What did that even mean? Nagi had a vague idea especially when he leaned forward and began to feel Eiichi's fingers teasing his ass. He closed his eyes as the finger pressed gently into him.

"Baby," Eiichi's voice was raspy against his hair. "Baby."

He wrapped one arm around Nagi's shoulders and held him close to his chest as he pressed the finger deeper in.

The finger withdrew and Eiichi let go to dig out the lube from his jacket pocket. Soon the fingers returned to probing him though this time cold and slick. Nagi shivered. He hated the feeling of cold lube and buried his face in Eiichi's chest as he gasped.

Eiichi sat up and let Nagi fall to the side onto the bed. Nagi let his legs get pulled up and over Eiichi's shoulder and moaned as Eiichi's other hand, also cold and wet with lube encircled his cock. Nagi focused on the feeling of Eiichi in those two places. His ass and cock were receiving equal attention and his toes curled at the pleasure.

As he neared his peak the urge to cry out grew so strong. He reached up, grasping and pulling at the pillow he lay on before finally settling on turning his head and muffling his cry into the back of a stuffed monkey as he came.

Breathing hard Nagi turned his head again to look at Eiichi. In the dark he could make out the outlines and shapes that made up his partner but not the details of his face. Nagi reached up, sated and happy, pulling Eiichi's head down for a kiss. His fingers ran along his face, up towards his ear where they knocked against his glasses. Nagi began to smile into the kiss when his hands reached Eiichi's hair.

"You're so horny."

"Only for you," Eiichi replied.

Nagi just chuckled and kissed Eiichi once more before letting go and laying back against the bed again. He knew Eiichi wasn't finished after all. Eiichi's slick fingers played and rubbed at Nagi's nipples for a bit longer than usual and Nagi squirmed.

"Eiichi?"

"Sorry, got lost in a moment there."

"Take off your clothes. You'll mess up your jeans," Nagi admonished.

Nagi watched as Eiichi did as told and returned to the bed taking the time to reposition Nagi so he was on his knees and his ass pointed up in the air. Nagi actually hated that position. He always had but Eiichi seemed to enjoy it. Nagi thought it was uncomfortable. Another he didn't like was when he straddled and rode on top of Eiichi. It was easy for Eiichi to fit in that way but Nagi found it hard to move steadily. Instead Nagi preferred to lie on his back.

There was also the size matter. Nagi didn't know why it had to be him to receive Eiichi when it made more sense in his mind that Nagi be the one to do it. He was smaller and therefore it'd be more comfortable of a fit. Plus the weight of his body would be no problem for Eiichi either. But Nagi did whatever Eiichi wanted when it came to their sex life.

Soon Eiichi was pushing in and Nagi bit the pillow to keep from gasping loudly. Eiichi began to move keeping a steady rhythm behind. Nagi tried to keep his mind from wandering but ultimately failed because he couldn't help but worry about Kira. Although it wasn't the first time he and Eiichi had sex in the dorm it was the first time Kira had actually been home too. Also, as much as Nagi wanted Kira to know about their relationship he didn't want him to learn about it like this.

It was far from the ideal scenario.

Nagi's body was completely relaxed and wet from sweat and he could tell Eiichi was too from the way his hands felt against his body. He turned his head in order the breathe a little better and as Eiichi resumed playing with his nipples Nagi reached down to fondle his own cock. He wanted to come again. Coming was always good even if sometimes there was discomfort. Eiichi's hands shifted, grasping back at his hips and began to slam in even harder.

"Ah, no," Nagi gasped a little too loudly and his hand let go of his cock to grasp again at his pillow and bury his head into it.

He didn't mean to say no. It had just come out but as usual Eiichi's movements stopped, though he made no move to pull out.

"Too rough?" Eiichi asked leaning forward so that his chest was pressed to Nagi's back.

"Too good," Nagi clarified, raising his head a bit and moving his ass forward and back.

Eiichi began to move his hips again.

"It feels good for me too, Baby."

He pulled out and rolled Nagi onto his back.

"Don't call me that while fucking me," Nagi glared.

"Why not? It's cute," Eichi said pressing the fronts of their bodies together. "Like you."

Nagi didn't answer and focused on Eiichi's cock slipping back in. He lifted his legs and Eiichi grabbed his thighs to push them up. The small noises spilling from Nagi's mouth escalated and both realized maybe the other position was better for volume. Too late though. Nagi pulled his stuffed monkey close, holding it against his flush face as Eiichi sped up again, ramming into his small fame mercilessly. Nagi could feel himself so close. His eyes clenched as he was about to come for the second time. His head was pressed against the stuffed toy but Eiichi ripped it away, throwing it aside, and leaned down to capture Nagi's mouth in a kiss. Nagi couldn't hold back as he came. He couldn't return Eiichi's kiss as he shuddered through his climax. Finally, Eiichi pulled his mouth away and bending Nagi even further thrust quickly until he came.

When he did he let go letting Nagi's limbs fall on either side of him. He pulled out but not away as he nuzzled his face in Nagi's neck.

"I love you."

It was a murmur but clear and Nagi tensed as Eiichi finally rolled off and away. Nagi sat up, stroking fingers through his hair, damp with sweat. He looked and saw Eiichi lying there on his back, chest heaving with labored panting breath.

"Come. Lay back down with me," Eiichi said, pulling on Nagi's arm.

Nagi shook him off.

"No. You're sweaty. It's gross."

"Suit yourself."

Eichi folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. Nagi watched him by the moonlight a plethora of different and strange feelings coming over him. Eiichi looked so relaxed and he was probably going to fall into a deep sleep had not Nagi began speaking.

"Why did you say that?"

Eiichi lazily opened his eyes, "Say what?"

"That you love me."

Eiichi held Nagi's gaze. Nagi supposed he was thinking but he didn't answer.

"All we ever do is have sex anyway. Is that the reason you love me?"

That got a reaction from Eiichi. He sat up quickly as if stunned.

"Wait. You think I only want to have sex with you?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" Nagi pouted with a glare.

"Yeah but… Nagi, the reason I want to have sex with you is because I love you," Eiichi laughed incredulously. "How could you even think otherwise?"

"Maybe because you never actually told me why you like me or anything before fucking me," Nagi snapped.

"N,Nagi," Eiichi sounded guilty and wounded and Nagi felt bad for snapping at him.

He accused Eiichi of only wanting sex when Nagi himself wasn't sure of his feelings. He basically started dating Eiichi because he liked the attention. He wasn't far sighted about it at all. Nagi was selfish and spoiled. He rarely admitted it but he did know. That was probably why he was able to attack Eiichi like that even without knowing his own feelings.

"Nagi… I admit I have had sex with other people before but I've never wanted them as much as I want you. You drive me a bit mad. I think of you nearly every waking minute of my day. Even if I can't have sex with you just being near you is OK but when we're alone I can't hold back. I like you so much!"

Eiichi sat up and patted Nagi' head.

"If you don't want to have sex, if you want to do something else, just tell me. I swear we can do whatever you like. I have to apologize I wasn't so considerate of your feelings."

Nagi listened, feeling a little warmth seeping into his chest at Eiichi's words.

"But," he chewed on his lip in thought. "Why me?"

"You're… you're you. Nagi. How can I even explain this? I feel like an idiot."

Nagi's eyes widened, seeing a new side of Eiichi. He'd never seen him flustered before, not even when he first told Nagi his feelings. He had always been so confident and proud. Actually those were two of the traits Nagi admired about him so much.

"I suppose I should level with you… We're supposed to be in a relationship right?" Eiichi looked sheepish about it.

Nagi nodded, "Well, yeah."

"I…" Eiichi moved to sit properly on the bed, letting his legs bend over the end, He hunched forward and Nagi could see his vertebrae. "I'm an idiot. Take it houw you want. I never meant to insult your intelligence but my position is very delicate because I love you and you're…. well you're a child."

Nagi tensed.

"I feel like I want to tell you everything. I want to communicate every single whisper my heart makes but I'm not sure if you can understand. So I… I feel like all I can do is touch you. It's so stupid. If I can fuck you I can talk to you but why does that come so easily and this so hard?"

"Why can't you talk to me?"

Eiichi stared at Nagi like he just said the most stupid thing in the world and Nagi wanted nothing more than to hit him.

"Fine! If I'm so stupid then why even bother being in love with me?"

"Nagi that's not what I meant."

Nagi pouted and crossed his arms and Eiichi gave him an exasperated look as if that was exactly what he was talking about.

"Look. You're really mature Nagi. When I was your age my dad was already training me to be an idol but I didn't even get to debut until now because my attitude really sucked. You're mature and I recognize that."

"But?"

"But… You're also still 13 and there is a lot you don't even know. Like when you get older how will you even look back on this or us? Right now you're OK but when you're 23 how will you remember it then? I can't help but think about those things."

"When I'm 23?" Nagi paused. "Well, wouldn't we still be together?"

Eiichi laughed sadly, "That's the ideal scenario."

"Then…"

"I'm just afraid that this whole thing is some kind of joke, ok! Like you'll wake up and realize that this is dumb. Or find someone your own age or that you mistook your feelings for me and I don't even know if you're gay and—"

"Ok ok whatever," Nagi interrupted. "I get it. You don't trust me or my feelings."

"I don't even know your feelings. I mean I should know your feelings because I'm fucking a god damn child and—"

"Can you please at least stop calling me a child then? Because that's totally going to get us on the same page," Nagi rolled his eyes.

Talking to Eiichi wasn't helping anything.

"Never mind. I shouldn't have even asked," Nagi moved to lie back down.

He turned so he faced the wall but he didn't feel Eiichi lay back down as well. He turned his head and saw Eiichi still sitting as he was, head turned downwards and shoulders sagged.

"I've never been in love before," Eiichi's voice was like a whisper. "I hate feeling so vulnerable."

Nagi had long grown tired of the conversation. If Eiichi wanted to say he loved him but then at the same time completely close him out of a conversation then so be it. It was too late/early in the morning for that. But he had a feeling he knew what Eiichi needed ot hear.

"I like you," Nagi began. "I do. And I'm willing to be with you even though you don't even want to tell Kira. Most of the time you treat me very well and I look up to you. I always have. That's not going to change. If you choose not to acknowledge your feelings for me because you think I'm too you then… well, sorry?"

Nagi blushed a bit at his ineloquence at the end but he thought he got the point across. He really wasn't sure why he started to like Eiichi or why he felt it worth staying with him but he didn't want it to end. Not just yet.

But Eiichi didn't reply. He stood; grabbing his clothes and tugging them back on lazily. Nagi turned and watched.

"You tired?" Eiichi asked.

Nagi nodded and Eiichi came and kneeled over the bed kissing him just above the eye.

"Get some sleep."

Nagi watched as Eiichi gathered his bag and walked towards the door.

"I like you," Nagi called as Eiichi reached for the door.

"I know."

"Please don't stop loving me."

"I won't."

With that Eiichi slid the door open and exited out leaving Nagi once again alone. The room felt cold and Nagi reached down to the floor and picked up the monkey Eiichi had tossed aside and cuddled it to his chest. Nagi felt a prickling sensation in his eyes and cursed himself for the tears that were about to fall.

-END, Part 2-

AN: and yep welppppp hahahaha part 3 is Kira's. thanks for reading please review if you can. thank you