Chapter 2
The first few weeks of initiation come and go relatively smoothly. Having so few initiates, I'm able to give each one of them individual attention in the areas that they are weaker in. I'm not worried about any of them failing. Despite myself, I can't help but pay attention to Four. He really is an enigma. I really did underestimate him, as did everybody else. He has quickly mastered everything I have taught the transfers in stage one. Shooting, knife throwing, endurance exercises, fighting skills, everything. And despite his fear of utilizing violence, he has won all of his fights so far. To do so, he is calculative. He uses only the amount of force that he needs to win. I have noticed that he is very good at reading people, assessing their strengths and weaknesses in order to figure out how to beat them.
I can't help but be worried about him, though. I've seen enough people crack under the pressures of Dauntless to know that Four is wound too tight. He's obsessive. He hasn't made any friends at all. He sits alone at every meal, eating quickly so that he can return to the training room or the fear landscape room. He is a bit of a masochist like that. He trains until his knuckles look like hamburger meat and he can barely stand for exhaustion. He willingly goes through his fear landscape, time and time again in order to master his fears, as if he's afraid that they will beat him if he doesn't. I'll admit that these things are kind of badass, but I can tell that he is sinking further and further into the self-loathing darkness that his father beat into him.
Despite all of his talents, he remains humble, never showing any signs that he is proud of his remarkable achievements. He also looks guilty any time he has to hit someone. This worries me, because it makes him stand out, and not in a good way. A Dauntless initiate that's as good as he is should know it. Though personally I find his attitude refreshing, people who stand out usually end up dead in one way or another. That's why I put on a mask of bravado and charm, when really, I have a dark side. The truth is, I relate to Four in more ways than one. I have to fight self-loathing as well. Instead of dealing with it, I just hide it. I'm friends with pretty much everyone, but I don't let anyone too close. I don't want Four to end up with no one to turn to, so I have decided to help him make some friends; friends that can show him that life isn't all that bad.
I keep telling myself that I'm just doing it out of duty as his instructor, but I know that's bullshit. I want to get to know Four better. Selfishly, I want him to be my friend, more than my friend. I feel like he's the first person I've ever met that can truly understand me, understand all the different parts of me, and I think that I can do the same for him. I just can't get too close to him while he's still an initiate.
I shake off all these thoughts as I reach the training room, where I know Four is. I checked the fear landscape room first, and since he wasn't there, the only other place he would be is here. The pungent smell of sweat mixed with blood hits my nose. As I expected, Four is there, swinging away at the punching bag like it's trying to kill him. He is soaked with sweat and breathing heavily. God, he looks sexy.
I decide that that's a good time to speak up. Letting my thoughts wander too far in that direction is never a good idea. "So, I guess you saw the boards, and realized that you're up against Eric tomorrow. Or else you would be in the fear landscape room instead of in here," I say conversationally, leaning against the doorframe.
"I come in here, too," he replies, turning towards me. I expected him to be startled, but he's not.
"Yeah, I know." I laugh. I always laugh a lot whenever I talk to him. For some reason he makes me happy, even when he's not happy. "See, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what your deal is, so I've been asking around," I explain to him. I don't want to tell him that I haven't been asking around at all. He might think that it's a little creepy that I've been watching him so much. "Turns out you're in here every morning and in the fear landscape room every night. You never spend any time with the other initiates. You're always exhausted and you sleep like a corpse." I want to let him know that excelling in initiation only gets one so far when joining a faction. Having Leadership watch you for strange behavior is very dangerous, and I don't want that to happen to him.
"Joining a faction is about more than getting through initiation, you know," I vocalize my thoughts. "For most of the Dauntless, they meet their best friends during initiation, their girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever. Enemies, too. But you seem determined not to have any of those things."
The only boyfriend I've ever had was during initiation. I use the word 'boyfriend' loosely. Gus and I fooled around a couple of times, but he was just experimenting. It didn't ruin our friendship, but I've been wary of relationships since then. Even more so since I lost my grandparents. Until now. I've finally admitted to myself that I want to be in a relationship with Four. Just my luck that I want someone that I not only can't have (for multiple reasons), but that almost certainly wouldn't want me back.
Four shrugs. "I'm used to being alone," he says. That statement hits me with a pang. Has he never had any friends? Did his father tell him that he doesn't deserve to have friends?
"Well, I feel like you're about to snap, and I don't really want to be there when it happens," I say. I don't tell him why. "Come on. A bunch of us are going to play a game tonight. A Dauntless game." My best friend, Lauren, told me about it this morning. I asked her to invite Zeke and Shauna, two Dauntless-born initiates that I know well. I think that they would be good friends for Four. Zeke has a childlike spirit and notorious sense of humor, and Shauna is snarky but very understanding when she wants to be.
He hesitates, picking at the tape on his knuckles. "I'm offering you some Dauntless status for no particular reason other than that I feel bad for you. Don't be stupid and miss this opportunity," I push. I've learned that he needs to be pushed in order to do things.
"Fine," he says. "What's the game?" I grin at him. I can't help but be excited.
…
On the train, a very drunk Lauren explains the rules of the game: Dare. She keeps leaning out the door and then quickly swinging herself back in, giggling like a little kid. I've played Dare a few times before. It's pretty fun, albeit obnoxious.
"How do we win?" Gus says from next to me. He's leaning against me comfortably. He still gets kind of touchy-feely when he's drunk. It doesn't hurt anymore. I stopped having feelings for him a long time ago. I was never in love with him or anything. It was just that having someone who wanted to touch me, someone who cared, was nice.
"You win by not being a little pansycake," Lauren says. "And, hey, new rule, you also win by not asking dumb questions." She really is drunk.
Lauren dares me first, tossing the flask to me. I take a swig. Wow, it's strong. No wonder she's already sloshed. She dares me to go into the Erudite library and cause a scene. I accept the dare gladly. This could be pretty funny.
While we ride, I talk and laugh with my friends. At some point, I glance over at Four. He's talking to Zeke and Shauna, just like I wanted. Though he still looks very uncomfortable and uptight. For some reason, Shauna gestures to her breasts. Four looks away and then blushes. My heart sinks. Why would he blush unless he was attracted to breasts? Why am I still holding out hope that he's attracted to men? I mentally kick myself.
I take another swig of the liquor and dramatically jump out of the train. We're at the closest stop to Erudite. Everyone else follows me out.
I see Four jump, more smoothly this time, and walk over to him. Zeke is standing next to him. "Look at you, getting your train legs," I jokingly say to Four. "Here, have a sip. You look like you need it." He takes the flask I offer him without hesitation and takes a big gulp. He winces a little, but not nearly as much as one would expect from a first-timer. "Good job," I say, punching him lightly on the shoulder. My belly swoops as my hand makes contact with him, but I ignore it. Then I walk over to Zeke and put him in in a light headlock. "I see you've met my young friend Ezekiel," I say. Zeke pushes me off of him saying, "Just because my mom calls me that doesn't mean you have to." He really hates his full name. He thinks it makes him sound like a Stiff. That's why I tease him with it so much.
"Amar's grandparents were friends with my parents," Zeke says in response to Four's confused look.
"Were?" Four says.
"Well, my dad's dead, and so are the grandparents," Zeke replies, shrugging.
"What about your parents?" Four says to me. Even though the subject is a bit depressing, I'm glad for the opportunity to tell Four a little more about myself. I'm also glad that he's already so comfortable with making friends. Alcohol can really help with that.
I shrug a little. "Died when I was young. Train accident. Very sad," I say nonchalantly. I grin at him to hide the pain that I feel when I talk about this. "And my grandparents took the jump after I became an official member of Dauntless."
"The jump?" Four seems confused. Coming from Abnegation, he wouldn't know anything about the death rituals here at Dauntless. From what I understand, people in Abnegation can live to be as old as eighty or ninety, dying of natural causes. At Dauntless it's not like that. At that thought, I feel the familiar twinge of anger at the system, but I try not to show it.
"Oh, don't tell him while I'm here. I don't want to see the look on his face," Zeke pleads. The jump is something that everyone at Dauntless accepts but aren't too happy about. Too many people have had to watch their loved ones die.
"Elderly dauntless sometimes take a flying leap into the unknown of the chasm when they hit a certain age. It's that or be factionless," I say to Four, ignoring Zeke. I make a careening gesture with my hands. "And my grandpa was really sick. Cancer. Grandma didn't care to go on without him." In that moment, I want Four to see me, the real me, flaws, hardness, bitterness and all. For a flashing moment I let him see what's beneath the nonchalance and humor.
He looks at me like he does know, like he does see the real me. It should scare me, but it doesn't. I was right about him being the only one that's able to understand. That thought gives me a lot of hope. Maybe if we can't be together, we can be close friends.
"I'm sorry," he says genuinely.
"At least this way, I got to say my good-byes. Most of the time death just comes whether you've said good-bye or not," I say gravely. Don't I know it. Death just came for my parents, and for Mr. Pedrad, and no one got to say good-bye.
I realize that I can't stand to think about this anymore, so I grin to shake the thoughts off, and run to catch up with Lauren and Gus and the rest of the group. That's how I deal with my problems. I ignore them, and when that doesn't work, I drown them in alcohol and meaningless sex.
To fulfill my dare, I run into the Erudite library and moon everybody. The guards start to chase all of us, but the Erudite don't run a lot, so they lose us after a couple of blocks. Everybody laughs the whole way, including Four. He has a beautiful laugh, sincere. It's the kind of laugh that's made even more special by the fact that it doesn't occur a lot. He looks so carefree, for once, glowing in the light of the setting sun.
Once we reach an old alleyway, I dare Shauna to scale to sculpture in front of the Upper Levels building. I find myself just being happy throughout the game. That's something I haven't felt for a long time. I hope that the mindless fun is doing the same thing for Four.
Four is the last person to be dared, and by none other than Gus. I haven't confided my feelings for Four in anyone, but Tori obviously suspects something, and Gus has always been pretty good at reading me. He may not know who it is that I have feelings for, but he knows that I have it bad for someone.
Gus dares Four to get a tattoo. I find myself thinking that this dare isn't fair, because its effects are permanent. It's not like flashing your ass at a bunch of Noses or climbing a sculpture. But Four just shrugs and accepts the challenge. He wants to fit in, after all. And refusing would prove to everyone that he really is a Stiff, which is exactly what this dare is about.
It took a little charm to convince Tori to do a tattoo at 1:00 in the morning, but we did it. Four decides to get a patch of flames tattooed on his ribs. That's a bit badass because it's so painful to get a tattoo on a place with so little fat. A shiver runs through me as he takes his shirt off. Damn, he has a toned torso and biceps. That's kind of surprising considering how little time he's spent here, but less so considering how hard he pushes himself.
I feel a pang of sadness and anger when I see the healing lashes on his back. Tori enquires about them, and Four just kind of stops, not knowing what to say.
"He's an initiate," I say, scrambling for an excuse to defend him. No one should have to know about his past unless he wants them to. "They're all cut and bruised at this point. You should see them all limping around together. It's sad." The excuse is weak, but it works.
"You should see the one on my knee. It's the sickest blue color," Zeke says excitedly, rolling up his pant leg to show everyone. Good old Zeke. He's oblivious, but he always seems to know what to do to fix a situation. The other Dauntless in the room begin to show everyone their nasty cuts and bruises. They wear them with great pride. Tori doesn't seem convinced, but she drops it. For now. She shoots me a look that says that we'll be talking about this later. I can't help but continue to look at the scars on his back, wondering what could have possibly gotten his father so angry as to rip his son's back to shreds.
Shaking off the thoughts, I toss Four the flask, and Tori turns on the tattoo needle. Four seems to enjoy the pain of getting the tattoo, which is a little disturbing, but also kind of hot. He makes small gasps of pleasure and has an expression of pained excitement. I just hope everybody else is too drunk to notice how turned on I am.
After the tattoo is done, we all stumble out of the tattoo parlor. I see Zeke sling an arm around Four and say, "I think you're Dauntless now." I smile. I know they'll be great friends.
I stumble home and kind of fall onto my bed. I lay there for a while, thinking about just how screwed I am. I can't get the image of Four enjoying the pain of the tattoo needle out of my head. I'm also not looking forward to the conversation with Tori that I know is coming.
