AN: Second chapter for y'all. The song is "What I've Done" again by Linkin Park. A forgot to mention this last chapter but a HUGE thanks to friendsidol5 for the beta work, you're awesome! More notes at the end.
Chapter 2 What I've Done
Booth sighed heavily and leaned back on the sofa, one which he knew so well. He tried to relax, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths. But it was no use. Telling Bones, telling her what he needed to confess was going to be the hard and no amount of preparation would make it easier.
"I guess I've thought about dying more than most people. When you're in the service you spend time just waiting, for orders or a debriefing or just waiting for your target." Booth flinched at the word, target, I've had too many targets in my sights. He continued, cautiously.
"As a Catholic, I've thought about what it would mean, what it would be like, to stand before God and confess what I've done." Booth waited for indict on a higher power and continued when it didn't come. Temperance was biting her lower lip, taking in the information slowly.
"I have thought about saying good-bye to everyone here and it's not the easiest thing to consider, Bones."
"Why?"
"In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibi. 'Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies. Lies about the enemy; Lies about war and justifiable casualties. When those men died I wasn't in danger, I wasn't bleeding or injured, there was no imminent threat and I killed them anyway. I wonder what they'd say at my funeral, if they would gloss over those murders or try to justify them. Either way, there is no honor in it."
"How do you overcome that, Booth?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do." Temperance was adament. "How do you push past the guilt every day and do what you do?"
"I pray and I ask God to let mercy come and wash away what I've done."
"And that helps you?"
"Listen Bones, I've faced myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done. I don't want to be that man holding the rifle, waiting for the moment to take another human being's life with the squeeze of a trigger. Everything I did in the Rangers I put behind me the moment Parker came into this world."
"Booth, you were a soldier, you were just following orders."
"Just another lie, Bones. But I've faced myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done."
"Booth, I don't think you're a bad person. You yourself have said how proud you are to be a Ranger, to serve your country. How can you doubt that? It made you who you are today." Temperance let her confusion be clear and hoped Booth would respond, help her understand.
"Put to rest what you thought of me. Well, I cleaned this slate with the hands of uncertainty. It's not easy to wipe away such a large chunk of your life that you thought was good, that you accepted and believed in for so long. The first time I held Parker he opened his eyes and just stared at me. It was so intense; as if he could see everything I've done my entire life and was judging if I was good enough to be his dad, to teach him about life. And at that moment I asked to please, let mercy come and wash away what I've done. Do you know how hard it is to erase a part of your life as a lie?" The question was rhetorical but Temperance answered anyway.
"Yes." She replied, pausing before continuing, "the day you told me Max and Ruth Keenan were my parents, my name was Joy and never Brennan, I tried to wipe away my past. But you can't. I've faced myself to cross out what I've become as Temperance, to find what I could have been as Joy. But I can't erase myself. I can let go of what they've done."
For the first time since he began his story, Booth looked at his partner, surprised to see tears in her eyes as she too, faced her past. In a blur of coordinated movement they clung to each other, closer than any hug they'd every shared, more intimately than either had experienced in their lives. Temperance sobbed into Booth's shirt, her hands bunching the fabric in her fists. Booth wrapped his arms around her torso tightly, holding her like a drowning man clinging to a life raft.
She needed to feel safe again. He needed reassurance he was a good man. They needed each other. Minutes passed and tears subsided. Booth wiped his face, unembarrassed by the tears which had wet Temperance's hair. He tried to convey how her words had changed him.
"For what I've done, I'll start again. And whatever pain may come, today this ends; I'm forgiving what I've done. I've faced myself to cross out what I've become. I won't erase myself but I will let go of what I've done."
Temperance didn't know how to assure him that he had made the right choice. But she did understand, in some small way, what truths he found peace in.
"God forgives you for what you've done, Booth. He does." Her words went right to Booth's soul, restoring some lost part of himself. The faith he'd struggled to keep everytime he pulled that trigger was coming back. Booth smiled despite himself.
"Thank you, Bones. I know you don't believe and may not understand but thank you." As she clung to him, Booth thought Temperance looked, for the first time since he met her, small somehow. There was just one way he knew to comfort this woman who'd lost her family, been betrayed by a world of lies and left by every man she'd cared about.
"I'm not going anywhere, Bones. Ever." She raised her head to judge his sincerity and his eyes spoke the truth. At a loss for words she adopted his own.
"I'll start again, Booth. With you." In a single heartbeat they agreed, the promises forged in honest pain and tears sealed with the lightests of kisses.
The End
AN: I don't know if I'll keep writing for this story, it all depends if the Music Muse/Angel of Music/Muse Monkey visits me again. I wrote this fic in my head while I listened to these two awesome songs over and over on the way to work and back. I know the first song could have been written from Booth's viewpoint but I think the second song works better for him.
As for me, I will most definitely be taking a (hopefully short) hiatus from writing and posting in order to get some stuff worked out. I'm not seeing little men in white coats or anything, but I need to find a new job, possibly move and get away from someone who's making me miserable. Why? Because I'm on the verge of an assault and battery charge and don't think I could post from prison. Thanks for your well wishes and thanks for your patience.
