Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh
Yami stomped his boots harshly on the Motou's doormat once he came inside before slipping them off. He tugged off his gloves, scarf and winter coat and tossed them into the closet before he marched purposely into the shop, intending to spend the rest of his day in his room alone.
"Ah, back already. Just a second and I'll have the hot chocolate whipped right up." Grandpa called out.
"None for me Mr. Motou. Yugi and his friends are still out playing. I don't know when they'll be back." Yami said briskly.
"You should sit down and drink of mug. It'll help combat the chill that I know is settling down into your bones." Mr. Motou advised.
Yami gave a wry chuckle, "Yes, and so would dry clothes and my blankets. I intend to go curl back up in bed for the rest of the day." Yami said.
"Yami, you do know that moping in your room isn't going to magically make your situation any better. I get that you are down but hiding out in your room isn't going to change that. Yugi loves the holiday season and he is really striving to make this a great holiday for you. You hiding in room is only going to hurt my grandson's feelings." Grandpa advised.
Yami sighed, "I know that Yugi has it in his head that he wants to make this holiday season special for me. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is cause Yugi pain. But at the same time, I'm not as good at hiding how I'm feeling anymore. I can't pretend to be enjoying freezing to death in this ra damned snow. Or to enjoy careening down the hill on those death contraptions Yugi and his friends seem so fond of. I know Yugi is trying but a part of me thinks that I will cause him less pain by staying out of the way. The last thing Yugi needs is to deal with my moping. He has you and he has his friends. Family and friends, according to what Yugi has been drilling into my head make this holiday season magical. That alone should guarantee a wonderful holiday for Yugi." Yami said.
"And the fact that you are an important part of Yugi's family that he wants to spend the holiday with means nothing to you?" Grandpa questioned.
Yami groaned, "That isn't what I meant." Yami mumbled.
"Then why don't you enlighten me?" Grandpa inquired.
Yami sighed as he tried to put into words what he meant. However, what Yami intended to say will remain unsaid because at that moment the back door was thrown open and Yugi and the gang came tromping inside.
"Grandpa! Yami! We're home and ready for some hot chocolate." Yugi called out.
Grandpa chuckled, "I've got a kettle on the stove right now. Why don't you all go and sit down by the fire. I'll let you know when the hot chocolate is ready." Grandpa replied.
"Sounds like a plan Grandpa." Yugi replied as he walked into the kitchen, his hair sticking up more wildly than normal thanks to the snow. Yugi grabbed a hold of Yami's wrist and tugged Yami into the living room before he pushed Yami down onto the arm chair and plopping down on Yami's lap, with his head resting on Yami's chest.
"Just wait until you try Grandpa's hot chocolate Yami. It's the best." Yugi whispered.
Yami sighed, "I'm sure it is Yugi." Yami said evenly.
"Did you at least have a little bit of fun when we played in the snow together?" Yugi asked.
Yami sighed once again. How in the world was he supposed to answer that question? He hated being out in the cold. Being cold and wet made that misery even worse. He and Yugi were lucky they didn't break their necks sledding and don't get him started on the whole pelting one another with balls of ice. At least Ra's attack had been warm. To be perfectly honest he preferred being blasted by Ra than being out in the snow. None of that was remotely fun. But, he had a feeling telling Yugi that would break his heart. So, how could he be honest and not hurt Yugi's feelings?
"Aibou, to be perfectly honest I didn't particularly care for being out in the cold. The cold weather doesn't really agree with me. But, what I did enjoy was the fact that you were having so much fun. That made being out in the cold worth it." Yami said slowly. It was a stretch but at least that wouldn't hurt Yugi's feelings and still Yami was able to admit he didn't like being out in the snow. That was as close to a win win and he was going to get.
Yugi smiled brightly at Yami before he snuggled back in closer. Yami draped an arm loosely around Yugi's body to keep him from falling off the chair. The rest of the gang had joined them in the living room by this point, sitting in front of the fire.
"O the weather outside is frightful." Yugi sang.
"But the fire is so delightful." Anzu piped up.
"And since we've no place to go." Ryou supplied.
"Let it snow! Let it snow! Let is snow!" Joey, Honda and Otogi loudly sang.
Yami internally groaned. Please make it stop. It wasn't just the off key singing that was giving him a headache. It was the very loud off key singing that was giving him a headache. Personally, he didn't think Joey, Honda or Otogi sang their verse rather just yelled it as loudly as they could.
Grandpa walked out into the living with a tray full of mugs of hot chocolate complete with little white marshmallows on top. Yugi sat up a little bit straighter so he could accept his mug and Yami took one of his own. He took a sip of the piping hot beverage and did admit Grandpa Motou had a point, the hot chocolate did help to warm him back up.
Yugi finished his hot chocolate first and set his mug down on the end table beside him before he snuggled back up against Yami. "So, what Christmas Carol should we sing next?" Yugi called out.
How about we skip them and just sit here in silence? Yami mentally mused.
"Jingle Bells?" Joey suggested.
"No, not Jingle Bells. How about Deck the Halls?" Ryou suggested.
"Rockin' around the Christmas Tree?" Otogi offered.
"Silent night?" Anzu suggested, "It's my favorite."
"I'm partial to We Three Kings." Grandpa said.
"Grandma got ran over by a reindeer?" Honda said, "That song always makes me laugh."
"Up ta you Yug." Joey said.
"Hmm" Yugi muttered. "I don't know. Mou Hitori No Boku which one do you think we should sing?" Yugi asked. As much as he enjoyed being able to snuggle up close to his beloved darkness right now the point was to get Yami into the Christmas spirit. Singing Christmas carols could not help but put Yami in the holiday mood.
Yami shrugged, "Like Joey said Aibou, it's up to you." Yami said.
Yugi shook his head, "No, I want you to pick Mou Hitori No Boku. I want you to have fun with the rest of us. You pick the next song." Yugi said.
Yami sighed, "Aibou, I don't even know what Christmas songs there even are. How could you possibly expect me to pick one?" Yami said. His bed was calling out to him again, quite loudly in fact. Maybe he would have that wonderful dream again that he had lost the duel and got to walk through those stone doors. Gods how he missed all of them.
Yugi lightly smacked him on the side of the head, "You know probably more of them then you give yourself credit for. You lived in my body for two years. You were around for 2 Christmas's before. You had to have heard me singing Christmas Carols." Yugi said.
"Yams, just pick one already b'fer I start ta sing Jingle Bells." Joey prompted.
Yami sighed as he cast his mind out for a Christmas song. Yugi did have a point over the last two holiday seasons he had probably heard most if not all the Christmas Carols there were. Didn't mean he really knew the words to any of them but he had heard them before.
"I'll be home for Christmas." Yami said suddenly. If he remembered the song right that song captured at least partially how he was feeling or what he really wanted right now.
Yugi smiled brightly as he started to sing, "I'll be home for Christmas."
"You can plan on me." Anzu and Ryou replied.
"Please have snow and mistletoe." Grandpa joined.
"And presents on the tree." Joey added.
"Christmas Eve will find me." Honda sang.
"Where the love light gleams." Otogi sung.
"I'll be home for Christmas." The entire gang sang.
"If only in my dreams." Yami finished. That more than anything was what he wanted. He adored Yugi, Grandpa and all of their friends. He really did. But what he really wanted more than anything was to be beside his own loved ones.
But for now he was doomed to only see them in his dreams until the gods decided to take mercy on him and he would be permitted to leave the world of the living. Which seeing as the way his luck had gone lately wouldn't be for another 100 years.
"Say Grandpa, when do you want to put up the Christmas tree this year?" Yugi asked.
Grandpa stopped and thought for a moment, "We can set up the Christmas tree tomorrow if you'd like Yugi." Grandpa said.
Yugi smiled brightly, "That would be wonderful. Right guys?" Yugi asked.
"Right." The gang replied.
"Hey, seeing as how this is Yami's first real Christmas, what do you guys say we throw a huge Christmas party this year?" Ryou suggested.
Yugi smiled, "Ryou, that's a great idea. We can do presents and games and eat tons of great food and Christmas cookies and singing. It will be so much fun. What do you say guys?" Yugi asked. The gang was all very excited about having a party which they decided to hold next Saturday.
Following the plan for the party the gang one by one slowly began to make their way home leaving Yami, Yugi and Grandpa alone in the living room in front of the fire. Yugi had made himself quite comfortable with his head tucked up under Yami's chin and his arms wrapped around Yami's torso. Yami had an arm loosely draped around Yugi's body, his Crimson gaze locked on the fire with his mind a million miles away.
"You never did answer my question earlier Yami." Grandpa said suddenly.
"Not now Mr. Motou." Yami said, the last thing he wanted was to have that conversation with Yugi in the room.
"Why not?" Grandpa asked.
"Because Yugi is not asleep quite yet and I do not want him overhearing that particular discussion." Yami said.
"Do you not think that's something Yugi needs to be aware of?" Grandpa shot back.
"Guys, stop bickering." Yugi mumbled, "'m tired."
Yami sighed, "Then what do you say I carry you up to bed, huh Little One? After all that playing you did today a slightly earlier bed time isn't such a bad idea." Yami suggested.
"Kay." Yugi sleepily replied as he snuggled even closer into Yami's body, relishing the sound of Yami's heartbeat. That beautiful sound reassured him that Yami was still here with him. Yugi had been lulled to sleep many times just listening to that steady rhythm.
"Just don't forget to come back down after you're done." Grandpa said firmly as he hauled himself up and began collecting the mugs to carry back into the kitchen.
"I won't." Yami promised. As unpleasant as this conversation would be he knew better than to put it off indefinitely.
Yami carefully rose from the chair, pulling Yugi's body closer to his own. Thankfully Yugi was at least awake enough to wrap his legs around Yami's waist to make it slightly less awkward for Yami to carry him up the stairs.
Yami slowly made his way up the staircase before he backed his way into Yugi's bedroom, the messy floor just as toy strewn as the boys soul room had been. Yami was made painfully aware of that when he stepped on a wayward jack that was sitting on the floor.
Yami bit his tongue to keep from cursing at the unexpected stabbing pain in the arch of his foot. Mental note. Tell Yugi to clean his room. Yami reminded himself as he carefully made the remainder of the painful journey over to Yugi's bed where he gently laid the teen down.
Yami deposited Yugi onto the mattress but the stubborn teen refused to let go of Yami's shoulders.
"Yugi, Aibou you have to let go." Yami whispered.
Yugi smirked slightly in amusement even though the little imp kept his eyes firmly closed because he was 'sleeping'. "Don't wanna." Yugi mumbled.
"Yugi, you and I both know you aren't asleep. Please let go of me." Yami whispered. Why he was whispering he didn't know, perhaps to maintain the illusion that Yugi was really sleeping or going to sleep. Whatever the reasoning it was foolish, Yami knew that much.
"Wanna cuddle you some more." Yugi mumbled, tightening his hold slightly around Yami's shoulders.
"And I need to go and talk to your grandfather. Let go of me Yugi." Yami replied, his voice rising ever so slightly at the command.
Yugi peaked an eye open. "What do you and Grandpa need to talk about that you don't want me overhearing? Oh, wait I know. Christmas presents." Yugi said, finally releasing his hold on Yami only to sit straight up in bed, all traces of sleep gone.
Yami resisted the urge to roll his eyes, no they were not discussing Christmas gifts. "Good night Aibou." Yami said as he rose to his feet, heading for the door.
"Yami, wait." Yugi called out.
"Yes, Yugi?" Yami asked, pausing just inside Yugi's doorway.
"What do you want for Christmas?" Yugi asked.
Yami sighed, "Nothing Yugi. There is nothing that I want." Yami said evenly.
Yugi chuckled, "That's not true and we both know it. Tell me what you want for Christmas. I'm not going to stop bugging you until you give me ideas. I still need to do all my Christmas shopping so I can pick out the perfect gift for you." Yugi said.
"Yugi…" Yami said, his tone almost whining slightly as he wished for the conversation to just drop. He had answered honestly, there was nothing more to be said.
"I'll keep bugging you until you tell me. So, what do you want for Christmas Yami?" Yugi asked again.
"Just get me something. Anything. I really don't care Aibou. Now go to sleep." Yami ordered, he didn't mean to snap at Yugi but this was really starting to get on his nerves. And he was trying so hard to keep his temper in check, to not just snap at Yugi. But it was getting harder and harder for Yami to hold himself together.
Yugi scowled at the sharp tone before he climbed out of bed, "No need to be such a grouch Yami. Not my fault that I love you and want to make the holiday happy for you. So you can stop moping around like the world ended. Is it such a bad thing that I want to make you happy Yami?" Yugi growled.
That did it. Yami whirled around, his crimson eyes blazing as he locked gazes with Yugi's defiant amethyst orbs.
"You want to know what I want for Christmas Yugi. You really want to know what I truly want? Then I'll fucking tell you Aibou, what I want most for Christmas is to drop dead. Now, unless you plan on slipping some arsenic in my hot chocolate we can drop this ridiculous topic and you can go to bed." Yami growled.
Yugi's eyes widened slightly, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes, "You don't really mean that Yami." Yugi whispered. His beloved darkness could not truly want to 'drop dead' as he so eloquently put it. He knew Yami had been struggling but he didn't think things were anywhere near that bad.
Yami sighed, his hand coming up the rest on the bridge of his nose. And following this lovely argument he still had to talk to Mr. Motou downstairs. This was turning out to be an absolutely wonderful evening. And all he wanted was to go to bed and be left alone. "Yugi, Aibou, look you asked what it was I really wanted. So, you can't really be upset when I answer your question. What I want most is to be reunited with my family. With my friends. My loved ones. And the only way for that to happen would be for me to die. So, that is what I want for Christmas. To die." Yami said. It sounded terrible to say but it was truly what he wanted. Getting hit by a car walking to the corner store would be a dream come true.
Yugi jogged forward and threw his arms tightly around Yami's torso, slamming into him with enough force that he almost knocked Yami to the floor. "I don't want you to die." Yugi sobbed into Yami's chest. This was turning into the ceremonial duel all over again. He had kept his darkness here and yet it felt like he was on the verge of losing him all over again.
Yami sighed, as he awkwardly embraced Yugi back in return. His hand carding through Yugi's messy tri-color locks. "I'm not suicidal Aibou. I promise you that. Just like I promise I'm not going to be courting death. If I were to do that then I would never be able to see those I love so much ever again. So, despite what I want odds are you are going to be stuck with me for a very long time Yugi." Yami reassured.
Yugi snorted, "Gee, thanks. That makes me feel loads better." Yugi mumbled. The way Yami talked it was like staying here with him and Grandpa and then gang was some horrible fate. Were they really that terrible?
Yami chuckled, "I never claimed to be good at this comforting stuff. That was always more your area of expertise rather than my own."
"Yeah, and what your area of expertise was slaying the bad guys and rescuing the damsels in distress? Is that what you're trying to say Mr. Hero?" Yugi shot back.
Yami sighed, "Not quite. But for the sake of getting you into bed where you belong I'll take it." Yami replied.
"Only if you join me Yami. After you said that you wanted to die I'm not going to be able to sleep a wink without being able to hear your heartbeat." Yugi said.
Yami sighed once again, this time in defeat, "Fine, Aibou. You win. How about you go and get changed and get your teeth brushed and I'll go talk to your grandfather. Once I'm done with that I'll come back up and you can sleep with me if you really want to. Okay?" Yami offered.
Yugi was quiet for a moment as he contemplated Yami's offer, "That's the best I'm going to get, isn't it?" Yugi asked.
"Yes. Your only other choice is to go to bed and sleep by yourself and I still go and talk to your Grandfather." Yami said, a small smirk appearing on his face.
Yugi pouted, "Why do you always have to be the one who wins Yami." Yugi mumbled.
Yami winced. Why indeed? Yami thought to himself as he lightly pushed Yugi away from him, "I mean it Yugi. Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed. I'll be back in a bit." Yami said before he turned and headed back down the stairs.
Yugi watched Yami go with a very heavy heart. His throwing the match had made Yami so miserable that he was actively wishing he were dead. He didn't want to be here in the mortal world. But, that's exactly where he was stuck. And it was all Yugi's fault.
There had to be some way to give Yami a good Christmas. There had to be something Yugi could do or say that wouldn't make Yami dread waking up in the morning and realizing that he was still alive. There had to be something he could do that would make Yami happy again. Happy like he used to be when he was still an amnesiac spirit inhabiting a teenager's body.
The question was what. What could he possibly do that would make Yami happy? He would have to think really hard about this. Ice skating or baking Christmas cookies probably wouldn't be enough nor would decorating the Christmas tree.
Maybe Ishizu would have an idea about what he could do that would make Yami's Christmas extra special. Ishizu seemed to know most anything. Almost more than his Grandfather did. Yugi vowed to call her first thing tomorrow morning to find out what she thought might be the perfect gift for Yami.
But first, he needed to get ready for bed. Yami already seemed to be in a less than pleasant mood, he didn't want to upset Yami even more by not listening when Yami told him to get ready for bed.
Yami made his way back down into the living to see that Grandpa had made himself quite comfortable in his favorite arm chair. Yami took a seat on the couch opposite him. Grandpa glanced up at Yami, setting aside the holiday catalog he'd begun glancing through while he waited for Yami to make his way back downstairs.
"Is Yugi asleep?" Grandpa asked.
Yami shook his head, "No, he woke up as he I was putting him in bed. I told him to get changed and to brush his teeth then go to bed." Yami said.
Grandpa nodded, "Good. Now, about what we were discussing earlier." Grandpa said.
Yami sighed, "I know. You were talking about my less than enthusiastic participation in the holiday festivities." Yami said.
"That's one way of putting it, yes. More like you seemed pained by the idea of spending time with Yugi and his friends in the living room, sipping hot chocolate and singing Christmas Carols. You act like it's this huge chore despite knowing how important this holiday season is to Yugi and how much importance he has placed on making your holiday in particular, special." Grandpa said.
"It's not that Yugi's desire to make this holiday special isn't important. It's just that…" Yami trailed off, trying to put into words what he wanted to say.
"Do you know what I did the Christmas after my beloved Akiko passed? The woman I married at 19 years of age and spent 34 glorious years beside? Do you know I did after she died?" Grandpa asked.
Yami shook his head, "No, I don't know what you did. But I have a feeling you're going to tell me." Yami said.
"I put on a red Santa suit and snuck into the house where an excited 5 year old Yugi caught me placing presents beneath the tree." Grandpa said.
Yami frowned, "What's your point exactly?" Yami asked.
"I lost one of the most important people in the world to me and I didn't forget what was important. That despite having lost someone precious it would have been extremely selfish of me to curl up in a shell and forget all the other people around who loved me. I swallowed my grief and moved on. Do I still miss Akiko, of course I do? Do I spend my days wallowing in misery because she's gone and I'm here? No, I do not. So buck up." Grandpa said sternly.
"That's it, buck up?" Yami said slowly.
"That's what I said. Yugi loves you dearly and for you to sit around moping while he busts his rump trying to make you smile is going to result in a miserable Christmas for everyone. And that can't happen. You need to remember that despite what you've lost, mind you which isn't that much. It's not like they dropped dead yesterday or anything. They've all been dead and buried for thousands of years. What's another century for them to wait for you? The time you have to wait is going to go by a lot more slowly if you keep moping around. You need to get out, get active and move on with your life." Grandpa said.
Yami sighed, "Do my thoughts on this topic even matter?" Yami asked.
"No, they don't. As you said that day you were the master of your own fate. You chose to play to the best of your ability, to push yourself and Yugi as far as you could. The end result was that you emerged from that fight victorious. You have no one to blame for that but yourself. You could have held back but you did not." Grandpa said.
"If I had held back I would have been doing both Yugi and myself a disservice. The point was to prove to everyone that Yugi didn't need me anymore, that he was just as strong as I am and that he was capable of standing on his own. Had I not dueled with every ounce of my skills I would have paid Yugi an ultimate disrespect, implying that I didn't think Yugi was my equal. That is something I could never do." Yami said firmly.
"And yet you sit here still, three months later, moping because you won the match. Your fate was in your own hands Yami. What's done is done. Now, buck up." Grandpa said firmly.
Yami nodded once briskly. "Understood. Now, is that all or is there anything else you wish to discuss?" Yami asked.
"Have you put any thought into what you were going to give Yugi for Christmas?" Grandpa asked.
Yami resisted the urge to groan, no he had not given that the slightest thought. Which was probably terrible of him but he hadn't thought about gifts for any of his friends. He probably should start thinking about it. "No, I have not." Yami said flatly.
"You really should. Yugi is going to be counting on you giving him something. He's not going to give you single hint either, and given that you shared a body with him for 2 years you should know better than anyone what Yugi would want for Christmas." Grandpa said.
"Right. I'll definitely think about it." Yami said as he rose to his feet heading once again for the stairs. Grandpa did have a point, he was stuck here because of his own actions. His own failings. He had no one to blame but himself.
Gods he missed Atemu at times like this. Atemu was always the one Yami could turn to when he didn't know what to do or if he was struggling with something. When they were grieving the death of their father, even though they were expected to be stoic in public, in private they were able to express that grief to one another. Atemu didn't expect Yami to hide how he was feeling or what he was thinking, not from him. He could cry, yell whatever he needed to. Which right now Yami really felt like he needed. But that didn't matter because here Yami was grieving and apparently could share it with no one.
Grandpa telling him to just buck up made it sound like it was so simple and his casual dismissal of everything that Yami had lost was hard to swallow. He wasn't trying to ruin everyone's holiday season he was just missing his own loved ones and hearing how everyone was particularly happy and how special this season was to be spent with family and friends reminded him even more acutely about those that he did not have to spend time with.
Yami climbed up the stairs and headed into his room, quickly stripping off his clothes and pulling on a pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt before he trudged across the hall and into Yugi's room because a promise was a promise.
Yami was not surprised to see that Yugi was still up when he padded into the room. Yugi gave Yami a sheepish smile as he set his comic book aside and scooted over, making room for Yami to join him in bed.
"Thank you Mou Hitori No Boku. You don't know how much this means to me." Yugi said.
Yami gave Yugi a small smile, "No problem Aibou." Yami replied as he climbed onto the bed, taking the spot closet to the wall. Yugi curled up beside him, resting his head on Yami's chest with his arm wrapped tightly around Yami's torso.
"Good night Yami." Yugi whispered.
Yami leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Yugi's brow, "Good night Yugi." Yami replied.
