Morning
L wakes up and grudgingly opens his eyes. He looks around the room with vacant stare: dim gray light pours through the big windows of the bedroom he and Light once used to share. Digital clock on a bed-stand shows there's only fifteen minutes left till six in the morning. His legs feel numb – he yet again fell asleep in a chair last night. And there was nobody to put him in bed anymore... L's heart squeezes in resentment as he remembers that Light used to always make sure that Ryuzaki sleeps in his arms, safely cuddled and tucked in a blanket. Before Light, it was Watari's concern to carry L to bed, but as soon as the whole thing between Light and him started, the old man got the hint and has never disturbed them during the nights since... Watari probably thinks that L doesn't need his personal services anymore.
Trying to ignore the bitter and uncomfortable feeling that has settled in his chest, L focuses his attention on another trouble – a nagging pain and aching in the lower part of his abdomen. Now, this is embarrassing... it feels as if he's a fifteen year old kid, going through puberty. At least he now understands what is so special about wet dreams and morning wood.
The dream... it felt like he was thrown back in time. It let him relive the most intimates moments, not missing a single detail. Light's lips on his skin, his hands, the warm feel of his weight, and most of all his loving words that used to cause small shiny bubbles of happiness to form somewhere in L's chest before the sharp edges of his own doubt and sense of duty destroyed them, leaving only uncertainty and strange feeling of guilt behind.
L squints carefully, taking a look at his lower body – and he's not in the least surprised to find his crotch uncomfortably tented. Well, good thing he is alone, otherwise he'd have burned with shame from such an awkward occurrence. He sighs and stands up, wincing from both the numbness in his leg muscles and friction of his over-sensitive parts against clothes. It's ridiculous and a little humiliating but he has now to resort to certain measures to sate the primitive need. The desire is too tempting, so L heads to the bathroom, shutting the door tightly behind himself. His fingers feel numb as he unzips his jeans and halts for a moment, his hand frozen mid-air. He then starts stroking himself, uncertainly, as if trying to copy someone else's movements. He's not just caressing himself, he tries to do it as if it wasn't his hand.
It takes only a minute for him to come, so strong is the arousal. And it's immediate that the mental pain follows the so needed relief. It hurts, it hurts more than bumping a toe into an acute angle of furniture. It hurts more than standing in a circle of laughing people after finding out that the treat you were given and almost licked at, is a dead rat. L looks at his reflection in a small mirror, grimaces and squats down, feeling strangely exhausted, his back pressed against the white tiled wall. Somehow, he can't help but feel empty, and the feeling of his own hand was nothing compared to what he now knows the pleasure can be like. Somehow, he feels hurt and his thoughts can't stop revolving around a single person that's been on his mind for the past year.
'This is pathetic...' he muses forlornly.
A gentle knock on the door and polite voice coming from behind it, throw L back to reality:
"Sir, your breakfast." Watari says. "Would you like it to have it in your bedroom, or should I deliver it to your workplace?"
"I'll come down to the investigation room in a few minutes," L replies, trying to make his voice sound as apathetic as it possibly can get. "Is anyone there yet?"
"No, sir. Yesterday you told them to take a day off work, don't you remember?"
"Ah... Indeed, I said so. Thank you, Watari."
He sits at his usual place, staring at a plate full of fruits that lays on a table before him. He knows he needs to eat and start working on the case. He's been pretty much reluctant to even think about the steps he needs to take since the very day something shifted in Light... And there is only one reason which can explain his attitude, but L would much rather ignore it than admit it to be true – L feels deceived. Not betrayed, no, simply deceived. He wants to pout his lips and hide in a dark corner until Light admits he wasn't playing fair, that he didn't tell L all the rules of the game they were playing, and cheated in general. And then, when Light would promise him to play strictly by the rules, L would probably begrudgingly agree to continue this game for a little longer. This desire of his is so childishly naïve and foolish, that he doesn't even want to admit it himself, and because of his understanding of his own immature obstinacy, L gets even more frustrated and resentful.
'Cheater,' L thinks darkly, sticking a fork into a piece of melon on the plate. He chews on it, swallowing the juicy piece down and stares at the plate again. He knows Light is Kira, has always been, and Higuchi was nothing but a pawn the real Kira used to draw attention away from himself. So what is he left with? Light, who's re-established himself as a serial killer, and the need to find a way to prove that he is the said killer. Then what?
L frowns, shoving another fruity treat into his mouth. He doesn't want to think what would come next. Somehow, it's hard to come in terms with the fact his time with Light is coming to an end, but the nagging feeling somewhere deep inside of him whispers that he should take a hold of himself and face the truth – their little game is already over. Now it's only a matter of time when one of them falls. And it saddens L. He knows he will miss the moments both of them shared. He knows he is going to miss Light, because that boy unknowingly to himself and completely unexpectedly for L has awoken something, that L thought has long since died inside of him. Passion, openness and readiness to accept everything Light wanted to give him. Again, he recalls: his own hands on Light's shoulders, how eagerly he embraced the boy, how exciting it was to discover his own body responding to the touches...
L catches himself on thinking of Light for the umpteenth time for the past week. But Light and everything they did are in the past now. That's what should be remembered. And even better – not to be thought of at all. Because the feeling he gets when he's not being by Light's side, throws L back to something he's long since outgrown – the need for something that is not there. He was able to get used to ignore this bitter and corroding wish, this skill of disregarding has become his second essence (maybe even first), and he feels scared to go back in the days when this certain shortage was almost constant.
That period has no form, is not expressed in words, and doesn't provoke any special images or associations in his memory. It was short and sharp – L remembers it as a constant, exhausting struggle with himself. When he would feel especially sick of it, he would sit down on the floor, wrap his hands around himself, and begin rocking back and forth – this habit remains still, hidden of course, for the cases where no one can see him, but he successfully etched the memories of how and when it appeared. The memories of being close to someone have brought anxiety along, reminding him of the dark times when he would rock back and forth nights away, and during the days he would suffer from incomprehensible fear and nausea. Lucid moments would happen when Watari would visit his bedroom and take his hand, talk to him about something. Sometimes the old man would even go with L for a walk.
But when no one was around, the monstrous avalanche was ready to cover, crush and rob L of air. It happened too often and it was too scary. The orphanage he spent most of his childhood in, facilitated this horror, but even it wasn't able to get L out of his misery.
Years passed. He grew up and detective work came along, changing his life. Night terrors were gone, nausea and suffocation followed them.
And now, after just three months of the 'love' game, with a strange wariness he feels the long forgotten need – to hide in a dusty corner, to hug himself, and to unleash the colorless stupor.
And it is disgusting. He hates the weakness he found in himself but as he tries to reason with his heart, as he forces the unbidden and acidic feelings away, L only manages to intensify the overwhelming need to throw the common sense away, hide from everything and everybody, and wait. Wait for Light to knock on his door and... and then he probably wants Light to kiss him one more time. Not those forceful, lust-stitched kisses Light gives him now, but the gentle and careful touches his captive showered him with just a week ago.
Pouting his lips, L glances at the empty chair beside him, the one Light used as his seat during their time together. And suddenly the sadness he's been trying to keep at bay squeezes his insides so painfully, that L closes his eyes for a moment, just as not to let a cry of desperation burst from his chest.
Light walks down a busy street, merged and almost unobtrusive in the stream of bustling people. It's only eight in the morning but the city is already wide-awake – usual noises come from everywhere and it's a little bit placating in its nature. Scraps of conversations, roaring engines of cars, the sound of his own feet against the pavement, the tapping of light drizzle on his umbrella, the smell of freshly baked bread from the nearest bakery... It's a bliss to be able to hear, to feel all of this. Light takes a deep breath and the corners of his mouth twitch in uncertain smile. He turns his head to the right just in time to catch a glimpse of his own reflection in a big window. He halts for a moment and brings his hand to his head, flicking a stray lock away from his face. The day is windy and the gusts keep messing up his hairdo, which is getting a little irritating. Looking at the blurred eyes of his reflection for one last time, Light changes the focus of his vision and glances to look at the shop window: a whole variety of sweet pastries is displayed there. He can't help but arch his eyebrow, feeling that it must be some irony of fate that he keeps being reminded of L even outside the headquarters. He tries to ignore a small voice in his mind that slyly asks since when seeing a cake makes him think of L. But despite his effort not to pay attention to that little voice in his head, the other side of him snarls that L and a cake are two inseparable things, reason being that detective stuffs himself with that vicious thing whenever he gets a chance to lay his hands on it. The sly voice shrugs its invisible shoulders in the most insulting of manners and pointedly sighs. Light frowns his brows, getting slightly peeved at himself. Screw the cakes and that voice in his head that keeps popping out in the most unexpected moments. Take for one the morning of this day: upon awakening Light tried to hug something that was meant to lay beside him. That something was supposed to be Ryuzaki's body, of course, but since Light's groggy mind forgot that he was sleeping alone, it ended up with Light falling out of the bed and landing face first on the floor. The sly voice did not fail to note the awkward incident. Or next, when he was shaving the fluff off his cheeks and subconsciously glanced in the mirror expecting to see Ryuzaki's eyes staring back at him curiously? The sly voice reminded him of how he and the detective used to fool around in the bathroom, spreading shaving foam all over each others' faces before Ryuzaki would put his arms around Light's neck and then blush adorably, giving Light a signal that he was ready for the morning kiss. And the goddamn rain that was pouring all night long and didn't stop in the morning? The goddamn sly voice casually remarked that at such rainy mornings Ryuzaki would feel especially warm. He would snuggle close to Light and then would raise his enormously large and beautiful eyes at him, looking so damn vulnerable and touching that they would spend twenty more minutes in bed, doing nothing but hugging and kissing each other.
And now this stupid, maddening, blasted voice yet again reminds him of L just because Light looks at a cake. What the actual hell?!
Light feels a muscle twitch on his face and just as he decides to turn his back to the window shop and walk away, he notices a smiling face of a salesgirl that looks at him from the other side through the glass. Damn. He must have spent a few good minutes standing still and staring at the cake. No wonder he drew some attention. What an awkward situation... Taking a hold of himself, Light smiles back at the girl. She beams in return, walks closer to the window and then puts a price tag right before the cake Light's been looking at. Just for the sake of being polite, Light spares a glance at the tag and barely restrains himself from whistling out loud. Four thousand yen. In Light's opinion, the price is way too high for just a cake, but the salesgirl draws his attention again, gesturing for him to look at some pamphlet that's sticked to the window. It says 'Get a 50% discount' in large letters and then right below this inscription is another one which reads 'contact salesperson for more information'. He stares at the sign and then turns his gaze back at the girl. She winks and gives him thumbs up.
'This is stupid...' Light thinks, forcing his lips to stretch into another smile as he nods and slowly backs away from the window shop. Just as he turns around, ready to make a dash for it, the shop's door opens, accompanied by a melodic trill of wind chimes, and that very salesgirl rushes to him.
"Hey!" she says as soon as she stops near Light. She's still smiling and the scent that comes off her clothes and hair in waves, reminds Light of L – sugar, warmth and pastry. 'Aw, isn't that sweet?' the sly voice in his head sneaks a remark and Light suddenly wants to smack himself in the face.
"Hello," he says meanwhile, giving the girl a confused look. "Can I help you?"
"I bet you didn't expect me to come right in your face," the girl says, giggling nervously, "but I noticed you staring at this cake we have, so I thought you wanted to buy it..."
"Ah, that... I'm sorry, it seems I zoned out for a minute. I didn't mean to distract you."
"No, no, you're not distracting me at all!" she says hurriedly, waving her hands around. Then she seems to have a moment of hesitation before continuing speaking: "Well... Actually you've been standing before our shop for so long that I thought you were too shy to come inside and ask about the promotion we're running."
"My bad, I apologize for misunderstanding. Well... I'll be on my way then?" Light says, flashing a hopeful smile.
"Don't you want to buy the cake?" the salesgirl sounds surprised and a little disappointed. "Look, I know it's a little expensive but if you just spare a few minutes of your time and draw something for our shop, you'll get it for half of the price! It's a paying business, this cake right here is one of the best we've got!"
"I'm not sure... I'm not good at drawing." Light mutters and simultaneously wonders why the heck does he even bother wasting time on the pointless conversation? He should just thank the girl for the attention and go away. "No... No, thank you," he forces out, "I don't have any special occasion to celebrate, so..."
"But you don't need one!" The girl throws up her hands, interrupting him mid-sentence. "Even if you won't eat it yourself, you can give it as a present to your friend, or parents, or your girlfriend... Do you have one by the way?"
Just great. How could he not recognize her flirting and mistake it for typical salesperson's importunity? Stifling a sigh, Light shakes his head dejectedly:
"Yes, I do, but she doesn't eat sweets. Neither does anyone I know, so thanks for spending your time on me."
He wasn't even lying. Misa would probably leave the cake as a present from him but wouldn't touch it out of fear of ruining her figure. His parents would most probably give it to the neighbors as neither his father nor mother is fond of such sweets. Sayu wouldn't eat it either – she's been hanging out with Misa for so long, that the model has infected Light's little sister with diet-mania. None of Light's acquaintances are crazy about cakes or pastry in general. None... except for L. Upon the mention of L's name, the sly voice in Light's head seems to have perked up. Immediately, it pictures him a surprised and happy face the detective would give Light upon receiving a cake as a present. The image in his mind is also accompanied with some warm, fuzzy and inexplicably good feeling. But that's not the reason to buy the thing, right?.. Not to mention this would be a stupid move from him. L is more likely to get even more suspicious than happy. Though, L seems to have let his guard down around Light due to the time they've spent together, so maybe the cake would actually work as a stimulus to lull his vigilance even more?.. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Light understands that this reasoning of his is nothing but a stupid excuse. In all honesty, he just wants to see L's reaction to the surprise. And before Light can stop his mouth from uttering the words, he says:
"On the second thought, I think I'll buy it. What exactly do you need me to do?"
Fifteen minutes later Light finds himself out in the street again, this time with a rather large box in his hands. Well, shit. He's just wasted money. And for the sake of what? Just to bring some happiness to his nemesis? What kind of nonsense is that?! Light almost feels like leaving the cake on the nearest bench, but eventually thinks better of it. Let Ryuzaki have a reason to smile before he dies.
Light sighs, walking down the street, his thoughts lost somewhere midst images of L's face. He suddenly remembers the look L had when Light returned to the investigation room after hugging Misa right in front of the surveillance cameras. That expression of hidden hurt and offense was anticlimactically unusual for L's void stare. It almost felt like L was actually disappointed with him. The detective was also atypically aggressive in bed later that night. And for some reason since that little incident, Light feels a little prick of guilt whenever he looks at L. It has actually became unbearably hard to be around him, because whenever he sees Ryuzaki, the emotions in his head clash in a fight with the cold mind, and it usually ensues a pretty bad outcome: one minute he wants to hold L close to his chest, feel the delicate bony body beneath his hands and press a kiss to those dry lips, and another moment he feels like he would gladly murder the weirdo with his bare hands. After all, L is a hindrance. L is a sadistic, emotionless and empty being who tortured Light both mentally and physically for more than a year. First, he messed with Light's plan, then he invaded Light's privacy, then he kept him chained in a dirty, disgusting cell for almost two months, and after that had a nerve to force Light to live together, keeping it under facade of the investigation. Sick bastard. He surely counted on Light to make move on him: with two guys living so close to each other, sharing a bed and a bathroom... Plus add the fact that one of them was pretty much a teenager whose mind should have been infested with sex... One doesn't have to be a genius to know what was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing that didn't fit with L's plans was that Light's never been crazy about getting into someone's pants and surely wasn't going to molest or seduce L, if anything, he felt a little intimidated and mostly disturbed and disgusted by the detective and his quirks. Nevertheless, this thing between them happened.
How did it all start, really? Light clearly recalls the day when everything just spiraled out of control. Back then he felt merely curious and a little daring, and the last thing he expected was that it would all end like this...
That day Misa kissed L on the cheek for the first time, as a token of gratitude for L allowing her to visit Light whenever she wanted. Her kiss was barely there, just a fleeting touch after which she hopped back to stand at Light's side, to hug him by the arm and peek from behind his back.
"Don't get the wrong ideas!" Misa said, frowning her eyebrows while looking at L's face which expressed pure shock. "I love Light."
L nodded but he kept cradling the lipstick-marred cheek for whole ten minutes after Light dragged him out of Misa's room. The rest of the day he spent being unusually quiet. Light caustically thought the detective was trying too hard to feign his surprise. Who on earth gets surprised by a friendly kiss on the cheek? Right, no one. But the slightly perturbed expression wasn't leaving L's face for a second, and as the night fell down and they were left alone in their room, L finally asked the question that seemed to had been nagging at his mind for the past few hours:
"Light-kun, are kisses supposed to feel this... tacky?"
Light, who was changing into his pajamas after the shower they had a few minutes ago, froze and stared at L in disbelief. L blinked.
"Are you serious, or is this your way to sneak an insult?" Light muttered, feeling slightly irritated. Sure thing, Misa's kisses felt a little sticky due to the lip gloss she was used to wearing, but they weren't gross in the least. After all, a kiss from a pretty girl just couldn't be a bad thing.
"I'm serious. It felt very sticky and she just kissed me on the cheek. How can you stand this feeling on your lips? This must be very hard for Light-kun, since he's obsessed with keeping everything clean," the detective mumbled, putting a finger to his lips in contemplation.
"Look, Ryuzaki, have you only kissed girls that don't wear any make up? Why do you ask such questions?" Light sighed, taking a seat beside L on the bed.
L stayed silent. After a few moments he fidgeted a little and shrugged his shoulders:
"I was merely curious if all kisses should feel this unpleasant."
"Why? Don't you know it for yourself, or have you just forgotten how it feels like to kiss?" Light frowned. L shrugged again. Out of pure boredom Light decided to investigate the topic further: "When was the last time you kissed someone?"
"Mm... I guess it happened a long while ago." L muttered, nibbling at his finger.
"Huh? How am I supposed to take it?" Light asked, suddenly feeling intrigued. Ryuzaki never talked about his private life, so the chance of getting even a bit of information was not going to be missed. "At least tell me how old were you then?"
"Umm... If I remember correctly, I was about four years old. But I don't think I can recall anything else."
There was a moment of silence. Light stared at the detective, not quite believing his ears. Judging by the slight pinkness of Ryuzaki's cheeks, he wasn't lying. But how could it happen that a guy had never gotten to kiss someone during his teen years? Perhaps, L wasn't able to actually fall in love, but surely he could fake it in order to get a kiss just to satisfy his interest?.. At least, that's what Light had done when he was fifteen and almost every boy in his class had started boasting about getting to what they'd called the 'first base'.
"Oh, I see," Light finally forced out. "But how come you did not kiss anyone when you were in your teen years?"
"I wasn't interested in such things. Relationship's always seemed overrated to me. But now I wonder if I'm missing out on something..." Ryuzaki said quietly, and hesitated for a second before continuing to speak: "I am actually quite curious about what it feels like to kiss. People seem to get a lot of pleasure of it. That's why I was surprised with Amane-san's kiss – it didn't feel pleasant at all. That's also why I asked if it was pleasant for you."
"Well, every kiss normally feels quite satisfying," Light said, silently wondering over the fact he's talking about kisses with L out of all people. "It might be gross at first but then it gets better."
"I thought so. Perhaps the trick is in the feelings one experiences towards the person they are kissing."
"I'd say the trick is in keeping your eyes closed. It makes it less... intrusive," Light couldn't help but smirk.
"Is this why you close your eyes when you kiss Amane-san?" L turned his round eyes to peek at Light curiously. "Does it make you feel safe?"
"It's... ugh. Seriously, Ryuzaki, it's hard to explain how the kissing feels. As soon as you experience it firsthand, you'll understand everything, I'm certain."
"Is that so?" L questioned in monotone, "It's a pity I don't have an apt opportunity. It would be interesting to try, but I obviously have to be in love with the person I kiss."
"Nonsense," Light snickered, "it feels the same whether you love the person you kiss or not."
"How do you know? Have you kissed someone you don't love?"
The question made Light feel a little uneasy. In all honesty, it was the other way round - he'd never kissed somebody he'd loved, so there was no difference whatsoever in kisses for him.
"What kind of question is that, Ryuzaki? Sooner or later everyone kisses someone they don't love," he frowned, folding his arms on his chest. "You might get surprised, but it could actually take years for a person to find somebody they love. And, considering my age, it's no wonder I still haven't met such person."
"What about Amane-san? Don't you love her?" Now the questions that were coming from L started to resemble an interrogation and Light didn't like it. "Why do you kiss her then?"
"I've already said I don't have any special feelings towards her. I just... don't want to hurt her, besides I feel responsible for the circumstances she found herself in."
"Ah... So I thought."
They stayed silent for about a minute and Light could swear he could hear L's thoughts that were confronting the facts and probably marking up percentages of probability of Light being Kira. It honestly sickened him that L was ready to turn everything, every conversation of theirs to be Kira-related. So, Light sighed and asked as casually as he could:
"Want to kiss?"
The look L gave him made Light instantly regret his words. Fear, astonishment and slight disgust were so obviously displayed in L's eyes, that Light suddenly wanted to punch him in the face. What was so wrong with Light's offer? He could actually teach L how to kiss, so that the detective wouldn't disgrace himself when doing it with a girl. Besides, it would take L's mind off Kira for a change. But judging by the face Ryuzaki was giving him, he took Light's kind offer for something entirely different from a kissing lesson.
"Light-kun, are you a ho-"
"No, I'm not. I meant it in a sense that I could teach you," Light hastily explained, as Ryuzaki's cheeks were getting paler, "not that I want to make out with you or something."
For a few seconds Ryuzaki sat still, nibbling at his thumb nervously. Then he casted his gaze down and suddenly his face flushed with a very pink color.
"But is that right?.." he muttered, refusing to look Light in the eyes. "We both are men..."
L's horror and bashfulness over the situation felt almost palpable. He acted as if Light just proposed him to do something utterly morally low, and it made the teenager feel more than a little ashamed of himself. Ryuzaki's timidness was absolutely understandable. Light too would have protested if some man offered something like that to him. Although, he had an experience of a kissing lesson with a boy, namely an old friend of his, who then moved to live in another city. Back then both of them were thirteen and had had their first kisses with girls. But since the girls had refused to go further than usual kisses, and both Light and his friend had been very curious about the thing called 'french kissing', they'd decided to try it together. Light still felt aghast upon remembering how awkward it had felt to do something like that with his friend. Needless to say, after a few minutes of frenzied sloppy and horribly awkward kisses both of them had sworn to keep it a secret and not to talk about that incident ever with anyone. And yet, here Light was, offering such stupid thing to the inexperienced detective, who never really kissed anyone. Gosh...
"Look. Ryuzaki, I'm sorry," he said, "I shouldn't have said that. Please, forgive me."
The detective stayed silent and Light inwardly cursed himself. It seemed Ryuzaki got awfully offended with him... That was until Ryuzaki shifted on the bed and turned to look at him. That moment his face was the epitome of resolution, but despite the look he had, his voice barely did something to hide the nervousness as he spoke the words:
"Let's do it. I will kiss you and you will tell me if I did something wrong."
Light could only blink, absolutely stupefied.
"Or... did Light-kun change his mind?.." in his peripheral vision Light noticed Ryuzaki balling his hands into fists, most probably out of anxiousness.
"No..." was the only thing Light could say before giving a cough and continuing, "No, I didn't change my mind. I was merely taken aback with your sudden decision."
"It wasn't that sudden," L told him calmly, reaching to a nightstand and rummaging in the drawers in search of something. "I told you I was curious about kissing, and considering the fact you are willing to provide me with an opportunity to try it, I decided to not let it go unacknowledged."
Then Ryuzaki stood up, something white grasped in his hand.
"Alright. Close your eyes," he said, his unnaturally long and thin fingers fiddled with that something.
And then suddenly Light's brain chose to start working and made him have second thoughts about the matter and find more and more arguments against the crazy idea. Not surprisingly, Light felt apprehensive. He shouldn't have proposed L such thing. It wasn't right, and, besides, how could a detective kiss his suspect? Even if it didn't mean anything, even if both of them wouldn't mention it again, it was still disturbing. L wasn't his friend, L was more of a stranger, so how was he supposed to kiss a guy he knew pretty much nothing about?!
But before Light could voice his misgivings, L pressed something to his mouth. Something white, cottony and pleasantly smelling. It was then that Light recognized it was a tissue that L held in his hand just few seconds ago. Quirking his eyebrow, Light was going to ask the detective why the hell he needed to put that thing over his mouth, but didn't get a chance, as Ryuzaki screwed his eyes shut and leaned closer, quickly pecking Light somewhere on the side of his lips.
"There, I did it." L muttered, recoiling off the teenager at the speed of light. It all happened so fast, that Light didn't even get a chance to blink, let alone feel something. He silently stared at L, who scooted away from him, now sitting as far as it was possible, still toying with the tissue in his hands.
"What was that?" Light could barely recognize his own voice, as for some reason it sounded hoarse. "The thing you did just now... what was it?"
"I kissed you." L wasn't looking at him, as he all but whispered the words, seemingly busy with hypnotizing the carpet on the floor. "It wouldn't be appropriate if we did it without any kind of protection, so I chose to use a tissue in order to prevent undesirable consequences."
"Protection?" Light repeated dumbly. Protection he said. Light suddenly found that he didn't know what to feel about Ryuzaki's words and actions anymore. On the one hand it was amusing to the point of being ridiculous, but on the other... Light found it to be vaguely offensive. He wasn't contagious, and his looks didn't exactly make people cringe, so why the heck would L choose to use a tissue in order to perform such a simple action as a peck on the lips?
Light carefully squinted his eyes at the detective, who sat still, his knees pressed to his chest. Right now he looked as though his biggest wish was to hide away, and Light could almost see the invisible barrier Ryuzaki raised around himself in a matter of seconds. For a minute he observed the sharp angles of the person beside him – L was all bones, pointed, angular and strangely awkward. Perhaps, L's problem was not hidden in Light. Perhaps, L was unsure about himself. Light leaned a little bit forward to take a peek at the detective's face, but the other quickly turned his head away.
No, scratch that. The problem definitely laid in Ryuzaki's diffidence in such matters.
"It doesn't count." Light said unexpectedly for himself. Ryuzaki flinched before gingerly glancing at him. "The kiss you gave. You do know that you didn't place it on my lips, right?"
"It's hard to tell where your lips are, when they are covered with a tissue," L mumbled, starting to chew on his thumb.
"Well then, how about you repeat without this 'protection' of yours?" Light smirked. For some reason, it felt enormously satisfying to watch L being all anxious and protective.
"No."
"Then I guess our lesson is over." Light shrugged his shoulders, but before he could stand up, L reached out with his hand and pinched the sleeve of Light's pullover.
"Give me another try," he mouthed.
"Why?"
"I don't think I learned something. To be completely honest, I barely felt anything. I want you to give me another chance."
L finally raised his head to look Light in the eyes. And despite that he tried to put an apathetically defiant mask on his face, the slowly darkening cheeks and glistening eyes betrayed his embarrassment right away. Light found it was quite endearing. In the back of his mind he also noticed that Ryuzaki blushed a pretty shade of pink, which made him look so very young.
"Alright." Light finally said after a minute of contemplation, and sat back down, while Ryuzaki stood up yet again. The chain of the handcuffs jingled as he moved his hand to carefully pinch out another tissue from a box.
"I hope you don't mind it?" he intoned, coming closer.
"What's the point in asking me now?" Light grumbled, as Ryuzaki yet again pressed the tissue to his mouth.
"Please don't move." The detective let out a nervous exhalation and muttered, seemingly more to himself: "Alright... Okay..."
For the second time he leaned close to Light's face, only this time around, his eyes were wide open. There were just a few inches between them, and Light could feel Ryuzaki's warm breath as they gazed each other into the eyes.
When a minute passed and Ryuzaki didn't make a move, Light arched his eyebrow questioningly.
"Are we playing a staring contest?" he muttered, the tissue moving with each of his word.
"Don't say anything. Close your eyes." L squinted, looking rather irritated.
"You're quite demanding. Why don't you close your eyes?"
"Because I need to see where I place my lips. But you keep staring at me and hinder my actions." Ryuzaki was silent for a few moments before he sighed and mumbled: "Please close them. You are distracting me."
Barely suppressing the urge to roll his eyes, Light obeyed and lowered his eyelids, wishing for it to just be over and done with. He counted two more of Ryuzaki's quiet exhalations before he felt something bumping into and almost flattening his nose, while a certain warmth touched and lingered on his lips for a few seconds.
"This is not working out." Ryuzaki muttered, withdrawing himself. "Your nose is too big. I can barely reach your lips and it's difficult to breathe because your nose just flattens mine."
"Excuse me?" Light opened his eyes with a start only to glare at the detective. "My nose has nothing to do with you being unable to kiss properly! And then again, it was your nose that nearly crushed mine!"
"I think I did everything right this time. My lips were on yours, just as they were supposed to. It's not yours or mine fault that our noses are apparently incompatible," Ryuzaki shrugged his shoulders and it made Light only more peeved. 'Incompatible noses, my ass,' he thought, still glaring at Ryuzaki. And this guy was supposed to be the greatest mind in the world.
"Get back here," Light growled darkly, yanking the chain, so that the detective almost flew onto the bed. "Where is that goddamn tissue?" he snarled, searching around the bedspread with his eyes.
Strangely enough, L didn't voice his displeasure with Light's harsh actions and merely raised his hand with a slightly tattered tissue clutched in it. Still grunting, Light snatched the paper piece from L's hand and placed it firmly over the detective's face, so that it covered everything below his nose.
"I'll show you," Light said, cupping Ryuzaki's face. The detective only blinked and resumed staring at him with round eyes. "Tilt your head to the side a little. Yes, just like that. Now open your mouth."
L gave him a bewildered look, but executed the command, so that his mouth now formed an 'o'. Light sighed with pointed exasperation and shook his head.
"No, not so wide. I'm not going to put anything in it, for god's sake. Just part your lips slightly."
Light watched as the tissue on L's face moved and he could tell that Ryuzaki did just like he said. Nodding, Light looked him in the eyes once again.
"Now... close your eyes." He said it in a whisper, suddenly scared to talk out loud. His heart missed a beat, as he leaned a little closer. Ryuzaki's face felt hot under his fingers and Light was certain that his cheeks were burning from both shame and anticipation. The tender skin of Ryuzaki's eyelids kept twitching slightly as his breath was leaving lungs in short puffs. The more Light looked at him, the harder it was becoming to actually close the gap between their faces, because unlike Ryuzaki, he couldn't get away with just a peck. He promised to show a real kiss after all.
"Light-kun?.." L whispered, his voice barely audible.
Swallowing a lump in his throat, Light closed his eyes and leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to L's. Upon the contact, the detective tensed up so incredibly, that Light could feel it in the way L sat perfectly still, frozen on one spot like a statue. Deciding to ignore L's reaction for the time being, Light tried to mesh their lips together, but found that Ryuzaki wasn't responsive in the least. Even his lips felt like they turned into immobile stones.
"Relax, Ryuzaki, I won't do anything bad..." Light whispered, caressing L's cheek with his fingers before letting them travel further to slide through the thick soft hair.
He kept kneading through the locks in a placating manner before he felt Ryuzaki relaxing slightly and letting out a spasmodic gasp. Light smiled and leaned in again, this time successfully catching L's lower lip between his own and trying to give it a gentle nip.
The damn tissue was becoming a nuisance – it kept sticking to their lips and Light couldn't help but cringe at the feeling and the bland taste. Nevertheless, he continued placing feather-light kisses on L's lips through a tissue, while his fingers were gently kneading L's hair.
It was gradually becoming somewhat pleasant. Ryuzaki was all smooth and soft under his touch, like clay, and obediently turned his head this and that way whenever Light urged him to.
A soft sigh left Ryuzaki's lips when Light became a little more daring and nipped at his lip with his teeth. Then Ryuzaki did something Light honestly wasn't expecting from him – he kissed Light back. It was a timid, but all the while daring touch, that occurred when Light was yet again capturing L's upper lip between his, and got utterly surprised to feel Ryuzaki mimicking the action. He halted for a moment, but Ryuzaki resumed on his own, gently nipping at Light's lower lip and kissing it before switching to another one.
As time passed, the tissue became wet and absolutely thrashed, but none of them really minded it anymore.
After what felt like ten minutes, Light moved slightly away, deciding to take a breather, but Ryuzaki's hands gripped at his shoulders, forcing him to stay and continue the kiss.
"Ryuzaki..." Light whispered in between the kisses, "this tissue is becoming disgusti-," he never got a chance to finish the thought, since L interrupted him with a kiss yet again. Light frowned and cupped Ryuzaki's face, opening his own eyes and keeping the detective at a distance. "Ryuzaki, open your eyes, listen to me," he said in a stern voice.
When the shower of kisses ended abruptly, L grudgingly cracked his glazed eyes open and looked at Light, not really understanding the reason as to why the teen chose to end this so quickly.
"What?" he muttered, and Light almost felt like snickering when he looked at L. The ill-fated tissue sticked itself to L's lips, now jittering with each breath the detective took. But that probably was the only thing laughable about L at that moment. In all honesty, Ryuzaki looked excited for the first time in Light's memory – his eyes were glistening wet, and cheeks were flushing pink, as he looked at his suspect with the gaze that conveyed he wasn't exactly processing what was happenings. It was then that Light got seriously bewildered with L's eyes, because it was the first and the last time he saw something like that - there was no lustful craving in Ryuzaki's dark orbs, rather it was surprise and not quite conscious desire.
"Is it... over?" L asked, slowly obtaining his sense and gradually turning more and more red.
"No. Take this damn thing away," Light said firmly, yanking the tissue off Ryuzaki's lips and leaning extremely close to L's face. "It doesn't count as a kiss if you can't taste it." These last words he mouthed in a whisper, placing his hands to hold Ryuzaki's head in place before swiftly closing the distance between them and finally taking, tasting and almost choking on everything that hit him so suddenly.
The softness of those lips was succulent and felt tender, as he nipped and bit at it cautiously. When Ryuzaki once again began responding to his kisses, Light lost it completely. Never before had he had his mind blown away by a kiss, but that moment it damn felt like it. He let his right hand travel down L's back, where he rested it on his waist and pulled him closer, sucking on that luscious, pliant flesh. L reciprocated his new-found passion with an equal vigor, readily climbing on Light's knees, capturing him in between of his legs, that he immediately wrapped around Light's torso to keep them as close as it was possible.
The heat was slowly but surely overwhelming Light's entire being, as his lips abused Ryuzaki's and his hands kept gliding up and down his back.
"Do you want to go further?" he whispered huskily, as both of them parted for air. "There's one more thing I could show you."
"Please do." L answered and didn't wait for Light to start kissing him again, this time leaning closer and capturing his lips first. Before L could let go, Light licked at his lip that was trapped in between of his own and L didn't fail to recreate the action a moment later, consolidating his success with a few more flicks.
And it was very soon that Light's tongue parted those soft and pliable lips, which so obediently followed the curve of his mouth, as though they were designed specially for him. They toyed with each other's tongues, exploring the sensitive spots, while muffled groans kept getting lost in between their tightly sealed mouths.
With each flick of L's tongue on his, with each whimper and gasp that Ryuzaki uttered, Light felt like twitching from the pure electric shock that rapidly surged from his chest to the groin in a scorching, maddening flash that dissolved in waves of warmth. He knew that he'd long since gotten hard, and could feel the prove of Ryuzaki's arousal that was occasionally brushing against his own.
If he wasn't so worked up, he'd have probably gotten horrified with his own reaction, but since the need had replaced the brains in his head, all the embarrassment and shame had also been left somewhere in the background, as he tore himself from Ryuzaki's lips and latched at his neck instead, kissing, scraping the skin with his teeth and licking at the small pointed Adam's apple, as L threw his head back, whimpering at Light's hands on his hips that drove him down, so very close to Light.
"Ryuzaki..." Light whispered, watching the said detective bite his lip in an attempt to hold back moans, as he lowered himself to press against Light one more time. The friction caused pleasure to spread all over Light's body, and he felt his eyes rolling into his skull out of pure need. This was going too far. He absolutely did not intend to take it this way, and he had no idea how both of them would feel and act like in the morning. He had to stop it for their own sake, before he lost those pitiful drops of self-control that were left.
"Ryuzaki, isn't this too much?" he whispered, but groaned as L switched tactics and now clutched at Light's shoulders, rubbing against him while keeping his face hidden in the crook of Light's neck. "Ryuzaki, look at me."
L half-opened his eyes and gazed at Light, licking his lips and panting heavily. And before Light could stop himself, he claimed Ryuzaki's willing mouth again while his hand squeezed L's backside with an unexpected possessiveness.
"We should stop right now," as the kiss was over, Light once again tried to talk some sense into both L and himself. "We... Damn... Ah..."
"No..." L's hot mouth was right above his ear, as he whispered the words, never stopping the movements of the lower part of his body. "No, Light-kun, don't stop... Ngh... Let's go on, let's go on..."
And when L said those words, Light understood that he just wouldn't be able to stop, even if he wanted. Even if his father were to burst into the room right in that moment, Light wouldn't stop kissing Ryuzaki, who was whimpering and pressing onto him. Even if the whole task force were going to stare at them, Light wouldn't be able to stop. Just because L asked him not to.
And so his hand crept to slowly undo the button of Ryuzaki's jeans and feel him with Light's palm, earning a moan. His fingers felt a little too clumsy when he unzipped and tugged the jeans down along with the underwear.
Ryuzaki suddenly froze, as though it was only then that it dawned on him what exactly he and Light were doing. Light halted as well, giving his partner a chance to back away or whisper he wasn't ready, or do anything that would let Light know he didn't want to continue.
But Ryuzaki's arms came around his neck, and Light felt him placing a small kiss on his cheek. At the same moment Light wrapped his hand around the shaft, giving it a soft squeeze.
He felt like he would jump out of his skin at any moment. He reached up to Ryuzaki, pressing his bony body closer, kissing his sharp face, nose, and fluttering eyelids. Light tried to act as if the flesh he was holding was his own, and handled it accordingly – played with the wet head, traced his nails along the protruding vein, confidently squeezed small testes... All the time Ryuzaki sat still, it seemed as if he even forgot how to breathe, and the only times Light heard him letting out and inhaling air, was when L gasped at his touches. Daring for the umpteenth time that night, Light let his fingers run between the buttocks, barely touching the opening.
Ryuzaki froze again, this time out of fear that Light would demand – or offer – to do something that he was completely unprepared for. But Light, sensing all those fears, kissed his lips and merely pulled down his own pajamas pants, inwardly cheering over the fact he didn't have to fiddle with belt and zipper of trousers. L let out a gasp of astonishment as Light brought their members together and slid his hand along the connected shafts. And it was soon that their bodies were melting in each other's heat, as Ryuzaki was shamelessly arching his back, poking into Light's hand that kept moving in such right and skillful way. He was hugging Light's nape and stroking his hair, while his forehead rested against Light's, as the other could feel his hot breath on his lips.
It was frighteningly good to do it in semidarkness, in silence, and it was then that Light suddenly found it easy to believe that everything that was happening – was the most natural thing imaginable. That it was the way it should have always been. That he'd found L and L had found him – to be together, like this. That the circumstances were meant to let them get to know each other and become close.
It was an awfully sentimental idea, and he felt his eyes sting with tears, which were there probably only due to the impending release. L suddenly let out a whiny sob in his ear – and came, they both came at the same time. Semen poured through Light's fingers down on their thighs.
For a few moments, Ryuzaki stayed still, sitting on him, their foreheads still pressed against each other. Then L slipped from his knees to lay on the bed, tugging and bringing Light along. And Light didn't know if he should hug him or just stay still. They both were panting in exhaustion. Then L reached out and ran his fingers down Light's nose.
"It's not that big after all," he whispered.
Light caught his palm and replied, trying to sound sarcastic:
"I wonder if you're talking about my nose or another part of my anatomy?"
"Make a guess," L smiled. But soon his smile faded away, as his eyes obtained a dark expression and the features of his face started to slowly lose liveliness. "What are we going to do now?"
The words were said in a whisper. Light glanced at him apathetically, feeling too spent and tired to try and bring himself to care about the consequences of the night.
"I don't know," he said, closing his eyes. Then he sighed and reached out for a towel, that was laying on the bedspread, and wiped his fingers clean from the nasty evidence of the night. "Try not to think about it, perhaps. Let's just say it was an unforeseen turn of events. There's no one to blame, none of us knew it would end like it did."
What a blatant lie. Light knew what he was doing when snatching the tissue away from L's lips. He knew how it would end when he started sticking his tongue into Ryuzaki's mouth. He perfectly well knew that Ryuzaki wouldn't be able to either control or stop himself, because Light realized it just was not in L's nature to stop when he enjoyed doing something. The responsibility for what they had done laid solely on him, and yet he didn't want to face the truth and admit he all but flew off the handle and let the desire to overshadow common sense.
But Ryuzaki seemed to believe his words, or rather chose to believe them. He nodded and then suddenly a mirthless laugh left his lips.
"What?"
"Nothing. It just dawned on me we never locked the door, and I did give my permission to Amane-san to visit you whenever she so wishes. I can imagine what she would say, if she saw what kind of techniques Light-kun's mastering when she's not around."
"She'd slap the hell out of both you and me. Though, Misa would not be the worst one to stumble upon us. It could be my father. Or anyone from the task force, really."
"Watari probably saw it all..." L told him quietly, and Light snapped his head to look at him. "He watches over the surveillance cameras, so he must already know..."
"Really?.."
"Yes."
"Well... we can't do much about it. Maybe he won't mention it and will eventually forget about this occurrence?"
"Would your father ever forget what you did, were he to come upon us earlier this night?"
"No."
"Then you have your answer," Ryuzaki answered and sighed. After a minute of silence, he spoke again: "I don't regret about what has transpired. I quite enjoyed it."
"You sure did." Light sniffed scornfully and glanced at his companion. "Just let's not talk about it again. Ever."
L turned his head to stare at Light. Then he moved to lay on his side, propping himself with his elbow, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on his captive's face.
"Why not?" he asked. "You enjoyed it just as much as I did."
"So what? What's the point in talking about something that is going to stay in the past and never to be repeated again?"
For a few moments they stared at each other. Then L blinked a couple of times and lowered himself on the bed again, turning his back to Light.
"I see," he mumbled.
Light didn't know whether to laugh or feel frustrated with L's immature behavior. Because the way L reacted to his words, very much reminded Light of his little sister, who would pout and refuse to look at him whenever he said something she didn't like. And normally Light would have ignored and forgot about such a childish offense but... The person before him wasn't his little sister. It was a man, the world's top detective at that, who sulked with him for whatever reason.
Light frowned, barely keeping himself from groaning in exasperation. He had to talk to L about the matter now, otherwise it would have ended up with the detective being in a nasty mood for several days.
"What now?" Light asked, poking L's back.
"I don't think I understand what Yagami-kun is trying to say."
"Quit fooling around, Ryuzaki. What did I do to spoil your mood?"
Light actually had his guesses about the reasons of L's offense, but he needed to be sure. Because even a thought that L actually reckoned their intimate affair to have a continuation, seemed ridiculous and a little arrogant.
"Nothing."
Right. As if Light would believe him, when Ryuzaki said his 'nothing' in such a dark voice. So, Light sighed and swiftly moved to hover above L.
"Were you expecting me to continue being intimate with you?" he asked straight to the point, watching Ryuzaki's reaction. The other jerked up his eyebrows and said:
"The only thing I can possibly expect Yagami-kun to do, is to admit he is Kira."
"Don't start this again," Light frowned. "Listen, Ryuzaki, I thought you realized that what we did, was a mistake. Yes, we both gained pleasure from that, but now we have to forget about it."
"I understand. And I fail to see the reason for you to keep on bringing up that incident into conversation while you, yourself, asked me to never speak about it again."
"Damn it, Ryuzaki! Just tell me what bothers you!"
"Nothing that might be of your concern," L looked at him asquint. "Let's just call it a day and go to sleep."
"No, let's clear the matters firsthand. Be honest for once and say what's on your mind."
"How am I not being honest? I merely can't comprehend your fixation with this little problem we have. Actually, it makes me think that Yagami-kun is deeply bothered by what he did."
"What?.." Light knitted his eyebrows, moving aside, as Ryuzaki sat on the bed, bringing his knees to his chest.
"Oh, you don't understand? Or you don't want to understand? Honestly, Light-kun, let's just forget about everything, as you proposed. Right now it seems as if you're trying to somehow look for a way to make amends for what you did to me. You have absolutely no reasons to worry. It was consensual."
As Ryuzaki went on with his speech, Light once again felt confusing emotions clashing in his mind. The more L spoke, the bigger got Light's desire to punch him in the face, but for some reason he also felt very guilty.
So, Light took a defensive position, folding his arms on his chest and arching his eyebrow:
"You make it sound like I fucked you."
"Did you not?"
"No! God, no!" the emotion that was ripping his chest with the pure power of feelings it brought, made Light hop to his feet and stand before L, who stared at him with passive gaze. "Where did you get that from?!"
"You touched me in a way, that can only be described as sexual."
"So? Is this the reason as to why you act like a monastic novice, who got seduced by a lustful senor or something? What the fuck?!"
"Do not exaggerate it, Yagami-kun," L shot him an annoyed glance. "Besides, why do you respond so keenly? I can't help but think that this matter troubles you deeply, and that's why I told you not to worry about it."
"How can I not react to this, huh? You're basically telling me that I took your virginity or whatever, and it makes me feel as if I have to do something about it!"
"The only thing you have to do, is to forget about the whole occurrence."
"How can I?!" Light nearly howled. "How can I forget, when you look at me with these accusing eyes?"
"Accusing? I believe this is your imagination playing tricks on you. The only advice I have for you, is to stop with this train of thoughts. It won't get you anywhere." And then Ryuzaki made a face that ultimately solidified Light's suspicions: L was very offended.
"Damn it, Ryuzaki," Light hissed, suddenly taking a step forward and grasping the detective's shoulders in his hands, shaking him a little. "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing..." L whispered, looking into his eyes and never failing to send shivers to run down Light's spine.
"Will it make you happier, if we make the thing we did tonight a constant?"
"Will it reduce the guilt you feel?"
"I don't know. I can't say for certain right now."
"Do you want for this... thing between us to continue?.." L asked once again, looking at him.
"..."
Did Light want for this to go on? Did he really want it?
There was no point in lying to himself. He was so jittery because he felt at fault, and most of all his guilt was directed at his own secret desire for L to whisper 'Yes' to him, when Light asked if the detective wished to go on. It was wrong on so many levels, and yet he realized if he would refuse to touch Ryuzaki ever again, from that point on he would be doomed to suffer, regretting over the missed chance, stifling the desire and fighting against himself.
And if he would agree to continue their small intimate game... Boy, would it mess with his life. He couldn't yet predict when, where and what exactly would change, but he knew that his consent would result in an irrevocable and probably deadly mistake. Some inner voice kept whispering to dump, forget and spit on this crazy idea, but it was then that Ryuzaki's eyes obtained a vulnerable and endlessly sad expression. Light knew he was expecting to hear a rejection.
L lowered his eyelids, and Light noticed how his lashes seemed ink-black against the pale skin. He was beautiful that moment. Distant. It was hard to believe that it was the same person, who was panting under his hands just a few minutes ago.
"Alright..." Light whispered. "Let's do it. Just try not to mess up and accidentally tell someone about it."
tbc
