This is a shift day [see above]. There will be another upload this afternoon: The Long Aloha, chapter 5.


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"A Lesson in Fight"

He was going to be okay, they said. She didn't know how much faith to put into those words, but regardless she took this as her time to decide. She'd been debating with herself on if and when to go see him, what she might say… Reaching some sort of decision was not without difficulties. It demanded that she address certain things with herself, and she was reminded how stubborn she could be at times. She treated the things she wasn't ready or able to think about, much less talk about, as though they didn't exist to her or something. She'd made great strides in that department lately, but it wasn't a total fix.

But then they said he'd be alright, and she could only think to get there and see him. So she had gone. She'd had to wait for a moment before they'd let her in with him, and as she stood waiting she had to examine by herself the emotions she was feeling in that moment, so not to present the wrong ones.

The one she found which surprised her the most was something of anger, betrayal. She'd thought he was doing okay, and that had come to matter to her. There he was, with who he was, and she had known his struggle over the past year, but then he'd gotten to where he was and she'd held that as some sort of sign. Now he'd fallen and it had upset something inside her. She felt awful for thinking it immediately, knowing at least some of the sequence of events that had led him here now, but she couldn't shake it right away. For a moment she'd felt abandoned.

And then there was the fear, though it wasn't exclusive to him, to that thought of his 'trigger' and hers both, it was just… being here, the hospital. Her whole life she had been the same way, despising the place ever since her grandfather had gone in one and never come out of it. She didn't want to see people she cared about in this place, because she felt anything could happen, and all of a sudden they'd be taken from her.

Of course, there was relief – he was alive. Whether that meant much to him again, she wouldn't know until she spoke with him, saw him, but he was here and selfish or not, it gave her that relief. Their whole messed up little story needed a happy ending, it just did… it just had to.

They told her she could go in, and she took careful steps toward that room, like pulling with caution at something to reveal what was under. What would he be like? Would he look like himself? But then he was there, sitting up in the bed, and save for the gown, he looked normal except… there were his eyes, and somewhere in them, not long ago, there had been the desperation that had pushed him, and it was still working itself out of his system in a way. Having her there probably didn't help. He knew that she knew… and maybe he understood her emotions without her ever having to show them.

"Hey," she stood there for a moment before indicating the chair at his bedside, and he gave the slightest of nods. She went and took a seat. "How… how are you feeling?" He closed his eyes for a beat.

"Better than I did a couple days ago," he told her. Silence hung in the air for a moment. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

"Hey, what are… former beards for?" she shrugged, and it broken the tension, especially to see the edge of a smile capturing him when she said it. "Listen, I feel kind of stupid for asking this, but I have to. Are you going to be okay?"

"I… I hope so," he told her, honest. "I don't know what things are going to be like now, but I know I don't want them to be over. I thought I did and now…" He closed his eyes again, and she wondered where his mind had gone. "My dad, he…" Dave breathed. She knew he'd been the one to find him, and now thinking about it, she felt a shiver of absolute anguish, imagining what that would have been like for him, unsuspecting and all of a sudden…

"Is he here?"

"Yeah, somewhere, I'm not sure… My mother isn't." The turn made her look up. "She hasn't been… I don't think she knows how to…" He paused. "I'm not going to do it again," he declared, like he needed her to know.

"I know," she told him, though she didn't know if that was truth she believed or her clinging to hope again. The only thing flashing through her mind right then was 'Something brought him there once, what if it brings him there again? Does it ever end? Can we ever just be okay?' And there was that fear again. "You could have called me," she ended up saying, and she quieted immediately, looking to him like she expected him to yell at her or… He just looked back, nodded.

"I know," now he said, and maybe he had unspoken motives behind those words as well.

"I'm just glad you're alive," she told him, and she hadn't expected the quiver in her voice, and after that she hadn't expected his holding his hand out to her. She grasped it, turning her head momentarily to swipe her free hand at her eyes and make sure she wasn't crying. She looked back to him, her eyes no longer showing sadness, but instead extending a defiance to him. They were going to get through this, both of them, they'd make sure of it. His response was a squeeze of her hand – yes, they would.

After she'd left him, she took that walk to get her out of that hospital. What had happened with Karofsky had forced her to acknowledge even the strongest of them were not infallible, that they were as fragile as any other. It made her feel a whole host of emotions, but among them she still could still feel hope, clawing on, resilient. Things may not have been perfect now, but she would continue to rely on those bright spots in her life that could guide her out of the dark.

THE END