A/N: Dang, why is this chapter so long? Anyway, I think it's a good time to give a shoutout to Ulcaasi, who made sure to review every chapter in Phoenix and reminded me that there was someone out there reading this series. Thank you so much, dude.
Astrid knew that Hiccup was getting frustrated with her. She knew that he wanted to talk about what had happened between them, but didn't know how to broach the topic. He had wanted to do so the morning they left Berk, although he didn't manage it. So, in an attempt to avoid that talk, she'd put distance between them as soon as they reached camp. She found excuses to do missions that she could've sent others for, and tried to be as busy as she could each day. When she couldn't leave, she found ways to send him away instead. It was selfish, and honestly rather cowardly of her, but she didn't want to talk about what had happened.
Right now, she could keep him around, as long as they pretended that everything was normal. If they talked about what had happened... Astrid knew what she was going to say. It would hurt both of them, the truth, but it was necessary that she let it out. And it would push him away from her. She knew it was the only way to keep him (and his heart) safe, but that didn't make it easy. So she put the moment off, even though she knew, deep down, that it was only a matter of time before he cornered her. She could see it, in the way he looked at her when they walked past each other. His half confused, half hurt expression. He wanted to talk to her, and he was as stubborn as they came. He'd find a way.
However, she'd never expected it to come like this. When he grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her, she didn't react for a second; she was too stunned. But then she understood. She could practically hear the question he was asking. It was there, in the way his mouth pressed down on hers desperately, like he needed an answer, and soon.
She kissed him back, and then thought of the situation they were in, of the reason why he was doing this. And came to the conclusion that their position wasn't convincing.
(That was what she'd tell herself later. That everything she did in that moment, she did for the act.)
She reached for the collar of his tunic and walked backwards, pulling him with her, until her thighs collided with the desk. She managed to get on top of it without breaking the kiss, and pulled Hiccup closer until his knees met hers. He came willingly. Without thinking, she spread her legs so that he could stand between them, which he promptly did. His hands landed on the desk, to each side of her. One of them went up to hold her hip.
His mouth was still moving insistently against hers, and at one point, she felt his tongue brush against her lower lip. He tried to retreat, but she touched his tongue with her own, prompting him to continue, and soon their tongues were battling one another. The kiss became much more passionate, and Astrid felt her hands, which were still in Hiccup's collar, move upwards. This time, she was powerless against the urge to run her fingers through his hair. The feeling was even more pleasant than she'd imagined. She also hadn't expected the noise that Hiccup made when she did that; half surprise, and, dare she think, half pleasure.
The fact that he didn't stop her also said a lot. Instead, he stepped even closer to her, their bodies pressed together. For the second time, she didn't think and instead wrapped her legs around his waist. This time, he stiffened noticeably, but didn't pull away. After a moment's hesitation, the hand that wasn't on her hip went to rest on her thigh, right above the knee.
They were pressed so close together, and in such an intimate position, Astrid couldn't help but think of the few times she'd done this before. And then she felt the sudden, urgent desire to just grind against him. He was so close, and she was in the perfect position to do so... but she restrained herself, this time. Making out was one thing. That would be taking it too far. So she just enjoyed the kiss and the feeling of closeness.
She'd completely forgotten why they were even doing this in the first place. So much so that, the first time the general cleared his throat when he saw them there, she barely heard him. She didn't even react, and neither did Hiccup. Both carried on exactly as they were. It wasn't until the man let out a loud "Excuse me!" that they stopped. Astrid felt as though she was drunk, and judging from Hiccup's face, so did he.
"What?" she asked, turning to the general. "Can't two Vikings get some privacy here?" Hiccup suppressed a smile, and she realised that that was exactly what she'd said last time they were in this situation.
The man scratched his head. "Well, yeah, but the captain's chambers? I mean, I guess nobody comes here..." He shook his head. "How did the two of you get in?"
Astrid smirked. "That's a secret."
The general huffed. "Well, look. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to grab my paper and go. When the next change of guard comes, I expect the two of you to be gone, the same way you came in, I suppose. Deal?"
"Deal", they answered in unison.
"All right." The man looked around for a few seconds, and soon found the paper. He walked away, and before leaving, threw them a serious glance. "By the next change of guard." Then he was gone.
And Hiccup and Astrid were still standing in their embrace. Their rather intimate embrace. Astrid kept her gaze on the door, knowing Hiccup was looking at her. Knowing what he was probably thinking about. That they needed to talk.
And they would. She owed it to him. But not now.
She dropped her hands from his hair. "We should go", she murmured, not meeting his eye.
They remained silent as they widened the window with Stormfly's help. And they remained silent during the flight back. When they landed, she finally looked him in the eye again.
"Do you know that cliff on the other side of the island?" she asked him. No more running away, she thought.
Hiccup looked confused, but nodded. "Yeah."
"Meet me there tonight." It wasn't until much later that she realised how that could have sounded. But she knew that Hiccup would interpret it the correct way.
Once again, Hiccup found himself wondering about Astrid's attitude throughout the day. She had definitely enjoyed the kiss as much as he had; there was no question of that now. Not with the way she'd reacted. Yet she still refused to talk to him. He didn't understand what was going on. Hopefully, that night it'd be cleared.
The only moment he thought about something else was when Eret came up to him, complaining that he'd missed their sparring session.
"I was getting ready last night, when Heather mentioned that you and Hofferson had up and left to do something, and wouldn't be back until today. You can't just conveniently run away, Haddock."
Hiccup sighed and resisted the urge to rub his forehead. "I wasn't... Look, if you really want to do this, let's just reschedule. But not tonight. I... have another compromise tonight."
Eret smirked. "Sure. How about right now?"
"Uh..."
And that was how he found himself holding Inferno and facing Eret. Remembering Heather's advice, he decided to pretend to fight and then give up. He wasn't in the mood for this, anyway.
It only lasted a few minutes. At first, Hiccup actively attacked the other man. He was much bigger than himself, but that was the case with most of his opponents. It was something he was used to. Soon, he began moving slower, pretending to get tired, until eventually he found himself with Eret's sword against his neck.
"You win", Hiccup said, without much enthusiasm. "Congratulations."
"I think you can do better than that", Eret answered, helping him get up. "Rematch?"
Oh, for Thor's sake. Doesn't he ever give up? "Maybe some other time."
"I'll hold you to that", Eret grinned.
Please don't, the rider thought.
Nightfall arrived and Hiccup flew Toothless to the spot Astrid had told him. He found her there, along with Stormfly. His dragon immediately rushed to greet hers and then they bounded off, playing some strange game. Hiccup went to sit by Astrid.
"Hey", he said.
"Hey."
Silence. Hiccup was unsure if he should speak first.
"So..." he started.
"We need to talk", she said.
"Yeah", he agreed. "We do."
Astrid took a deep breath.
"Listen", she began. "I know you must feel confused. When you... That night, I didn't reject you, and yet the next morning I acted like nothing had happened and refused to talk about it. I didn't want to leave you hanging like that. But I thought that, maybe if we pretended that everything was the way it used to be... that you'd leave it alone. That if I didn't bring it up and neither did you... nothing had to change."
Hiccup's confusion was only growing. She didn't want to talk about it? But why? Had she decided that she regretted it after all? And yet the second time he kissed her, she hadn't rejected him either. Was this something she'd decided just now?
"Well", he said slowly. "If you don't want things to change... they don't have to, I guess." If she'd decided she hadn't enjoyed it... the only thing he could do was respect that, and keep his distance. Although the thought stung, he supposed he could live with it. He felt closer to her than ever, but it could be just as friends, he guessed. Hel, with everything that had happened, he hadn't even considered just how much things could change between them, if they went down that path. If he was being honest, it was kind of scary.
Was that why Astrid didn't want it?
"Hiccup, let me speak, please." He waited. "I don't want things to change... but not for the reason you think."
Okay, he was officially lost. What other reason could there be?
"I... I do want it", she said, waving her hand around. "This. Us. For there to be an us. But... we can't."
The happiness that Hiccup had felt at her first sentence was immediately overshadowed by her final words. What did she mean, they couldn't?
He must've said it aloud, because she answered him. "Because we're too different."
That was not the answer he'd been expecting. Then again, on hindsight, he probably should have. All throughout his ordeal of being chased, she'd insisted that she was a monster and he was not. Back in the cove, when he'd told her that they were more similar than he'd first thought, she'd rejected the idea immediately. No matter how much he insisted that she was good, she'd say she wasn't.
It was unbelievable that she would let something like that get in their way, if she really did want... whatever it was between them.
"Astrid..."
"Please, let me explain. I'm not talking about personalities here. I think we both know that isn't a problem for us. It never has been. Perhaps it should have been; it would've made things easier. For the both of us." She sighed. "I'm talking about our backgrounds. Our lives. And more importantly, our futures."
Hiccup was starting to get confused again. He didn't understand how their childhoods could be the problem, if she wasn't talking about the way their characters had been shaped by them.
"Think about it", she continued. "You're the heir of Berk, Hiccup. You'll be chief someday. Do you really think that your people would accept you... having any kind of relationship with one of the archipelago's most wanted criminals, never mind a serious one?"
Oh.
Oh.
That... that made a lot more sense. The situation she was describing did sound pretty impossible. The people of Berk would never accept something like that.
And yet... it sounded so unfair. Why should other people get a say in his life and who he decided to spend it with?
Except he might be chief one day (if he was able to convince Berk there was no reason to be afraid of him), and he knew that a chief had to protect his own at all costs, even above his own interests. It was a lesson that his father had repeated to him often. And those interests included his private life. After all, how many marriages were arranged between tribe heirs? Those people were stuck in those marriages, whether they were happy or not, for the benefit of their tribe. And considering the lack of choices in Berk, it seemed like he would end up with the same fate.
"You understand, don't you?" Astrid asked. "I knew you would."
"I do, but... it doesn't sound right. This should be my... our choice to make. Not Berk's. Not your people's."
She sighed. "I know. But it is what it is."
"But..." Hiccup kept trying to come up with objections. He couldn't give up just like that. "But what if I don't become the next chief?"
Astrid looked at him, puzzled. "Why wouldn't you?"
"You know why. I may not be able to convince my village that I'm not dangerous."
"It still wouldn't work." He began to protest, but she held up her hand to silence him. "Say you don't become chief. What changes? If you stay in Berk, your father will never approve of me, and neither will your people. They'd turn their backs on you for that, probably. You'd become an outcast again, which is exactly what you told me you didn't want to happen. And you can't stay with me, so..."
"Why not? It's worked out great so far." Or so he hoped. The scenario she'd described previously was depressing. He hadn't really thought things through, but it was clear that Astrid had, and she was describing all the obstacles in their path in excruciating detail.
"Sure, because you have other tasks that you can focus on. Tasks that are more... benevolent in nature than what's normal around here, and that allows you to turn a blind eye to many things. But it's not always like that. Once we're done with Viggo, my activities will return to their usual status. I know you've changed after what you've been through, but not that much. You were hesitant when I said we had to kill Viggo, and that is probably one of the least morally-questionable things you'll see around here. You may think you're ready for this... this life, but you're not. And I'd rather you never were."
He wanted to argue with her, tell her she was wrong. That he might learn to live with it. And yet he couldn't, because she was right. He didn't think he'd be able to take it. Smuggling, or whatever it was she did on a regular basis, killing anyone who stood in his path... he doubted he'd ever have the stomach for it.
"So that's it?" he asked in an emotionless voice. He felt suddenly empty inside. He'd been so excited... but she'd showed him reality. "Nothing can ever happen between us?" It sounded so awfully... definitive. Unchanging.
Astrid sighed. "Not the way I see it. I'm not saying 'never' because, well, you never know. But... no. I'm sorry. This is exactly why I was trying to avoid this talk. I didn't want to... bring you down so hard."
"It's fine", he told her. "I mean, it's not fine. I hate that it has to be this way. But it's not your fault. I should've seen it, I suppose. I should've realised it. Like you did. I wasn't thinking."
"People are never rational with... these things", she answered. "Plus, I knew it. That it couldn't work out. I was aware of it from the get-go." She shrugged. "And yet here I am. I knew these things, and I didn't care. Or maybe I did, but I couldn't stop myself."
Hiccup stared at her. The way she spoke was so dispassionate, almost cold. Like she had no emotions regarding this, despite her words. He shouldn't be fooled by it, though. He knew her well enough to recognise her act. He knew first-hand how convincing it was. Besides, she'd always stated she'd never lie to him.
Yet the insecure part of him, the boy that had spent fifteen years of his life being ridiculed, couldn't help but wonder.
"Couldn't you?"
Another confused look. "Couldn't I what?"
"Stop yourself."
"I don't think I follow."
He took a deep breath. "You say you want this, but... the way you speak about it says something else. You said it yourself, people aren't capable of being rational about... about this stuff." Saying 'love' or 'matters of the heart' would sound too deep for this conversation. "But you sound perfectly rational about it. And I can't help but wonder why that is."
To his surprise, she snorted. "Seriously? That's what you're thinking?" She shook her head. "It really shouldn't surprise me, I guess. Only someone with no experience with women would question... what I want."
"Well, excuse me for not having any women my age around", he replied, mock-offended.
"No, it's not your fault. Really, though. You and I have been the talk of the camp for quite a while now. And I'm pretty sure everyone who cared enough to look could notice how I felt towards you. In fact, that only fuelled those rumours."
Well, that made him feel better. Still... "So..."
Astrid rolled her eyes. "Yes, Hiccup. I like you. Just as much as you like me. Probably more." She looked at him from the corner of her eye and smiled. "Definitely more."
Despite the situation, he couldn't help smiling back. It was almost instinctive, a reaction to seeing her smile.
Gods, how could have been so blind as to what he really felt towards her? "You don't know that."
"I do, trust me." The moment passed, though, and her face turned sad again. "That only makes this harder."
He swallowed past the lump that was forming in his throat. "So that's it? We like each other, but we can't be together?"
"So it seems."
Astrid lay down on the grass, staring up at the sky. Hiccup joined her and, after a moment's hesitation, grasped her hand.
Neither of them said anything, but Hiccup could feel the lump go past his throat and settle as a dull ache in his chest.
That night, he didn't really sleep. He spent the night thinking about everything that had been said. Everything that had happened, and everything that might happen. And by morning, he'd reached a decision. It was hard, but at the same time felt like his only choice.
He walked to Astrid's tent and, after getting permission from her guards, walked in. Despite the early hour, she was already at her desk, studying a map. She looked up when he came in.
"Hiccup! Did you sleep at all? You don't look good."
He shrugged. He probably had dark smudges under his eyes, but he didn't care. "I didn't. But I was thinking, and I made a decision."
She tensed slightly. "Which is?"
"I'll stay here until we take down Viggo and destroy his business completely. After that..." He inhaled. "I'm leaving."
"Are you going home?" she asked in a tone that sounded almost hopeful.
"No. I'm leaving the archipelago."
A/N: *hides behind shield* PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! Remember, this is only chapter 2, there's still a long way to g- *dodges projectile* I gave you another kiss! More stuff will happen!
*sees angry mob* See you next chapter! *runs away*
