[[The previous chapter may have required a little creative thinking, but this is probably crack. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Do not own any dialogue or characters mentioned.

Spoilers: For Unwound Future and Miracle Mask.]]


Clive vs. Randall

Still snivelling, the Clive fangirl (her name was Suzie, but it's not like anyone cared) sulked down the corridor. How could those mean Groskettes and Laytonites dismiss her so...meanly? All she wished was to confess her love for her darling Clive. Deep in her purest heart, Suzie believed she deserved this single pleasure at the very least. The whole sixteen years of her life had been nothing but a series of unfortunate tragedies:

To start, both her parents had died in a freak accident involving a stampeding ostrich that escaped from the London Zoo. Suzie had only been a newborn baby at the time yet she vividly remembered staring at her parents' trampled bodies in horror and her (unnamed) mother clutching her tiny hand. In the longest last breath ever, her mother bid her farewell. "Goodbye, my angel. Your daddy and I love you so very, very much. We're sorry we couldn't be there for you... It's going to be hard, but I know you'll stay strong because you're such a special snowflake. You'll grow up into a beautiful, brave, smart young woman and win the heart of a handsome terrorist and convert him to goodness, saving London..." She released a painful cough and her bright cerulean blue eyes fluttered shut.

Tears welled in baby Suzie's own teal blue eyes (she had inherited her mother's irises, but they had the tendency of changing colour) as she wept over their corpses, vowing, "I will, Mother. I will."

Following this bereavement, the young orphan survived by scrounging on the streets...

But the rest of this tragic back-story would have to wait, for the fan girl had reached another office with a sign written on the door: "Xx Clive vs. Randall Club 3 xX".

"This must be the place," Suzie stated the obvious, tentatively raising her hand to knock.

A voice chimed, "Come in!" and she poked her head inside. She was greeted by people either dressed in Clive Dove cosplay similar to her or others wearing purple tops, square rimmed glasses and orange ascots. (Some had even dyed their hair ginger.) Unlike the Groskettes and the Laytonites these two groups sat together in tranquillity, sharing tables, chatting excitedly and exchanging fanworks.

One girl, who had a blue cap balanced on her beehive-like hair, leapt to her feet when Suzie entered. "Welcome, fellow Clive aficionado! I'm Puzzlette! What's your name...?"

"S-Suize..." Suzie mumbled. She glanced warily at the ascot-wearers, even though they were smiling at her. "W-who are they?"

Puzzlette shook her head. "There is no they, Suzie, only we. Today we Clive Dove fans and Randall Ascot fans have united to celebrate two very special guys."

Suzie wondered, "Then what's with the 'vs' on the sign?"

"It sounds catchy," said Puzzlette. "And it attracts more fans— everyone enjoys a good competition."

"It's kind of misleading..."

A red haired fan boy shrugged. "Hey, it worked for Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright—"

"Shush shush shush shush shusssssssh!" Puzzlette put a finger to his lip. "That's enough breaking the Fourth Wall already! Let's get on with the meeting..."

Suzie took a seat as Puzzlette turned on a TV and inserted a DVD. Popcorn, soda and 3D glasses were divided between everyone. The fans squealed in delight as back-to-back films featuring Clive and Randall began to play:

"It's good to finally meet you, Professor... Or rather, I suppose I should say it's nice to see you again."

"I win again, Hershel. Guess that means you'll be going with me tonight."

Suzie stared at the screen in awe, drooling at the part when Clive removed his Future-Luke cap and proceeded to kidnap Flora. (Oh why couldn't that be her in Clive's arms?) "Where did you get these clips?" She breathed to Puzzlette.

Puzzlette just tapped her nose. "That's a secret!" (It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she and her granny had super stalker tendencies.)

There were multiple groans of dismay when the film finished. "Don't worry," Puzzlette assured her companions. "It's not over yet!" The others returned their gazes to the screen, gasping when they saw a new scene of Clive sitting behind a glass window in jail.

Clive had his eyebrows raised at the person videoing him. "How did you get in here? I don't think you're allowed to interview me like this..."

They heard Puzzlette's chipper reply, "It doesn't matter. Say hi to your adoring fans, Clive!"

"Hi," Clive addressed his 'adoring fans' flatly. "Look, I appreciate the numerous gifts and letters you've sent me—"

"You mean fan mail!"

"—Fan mail," the handsome convict corrected with a sigh. "But it's starting to get out of hand. I can't reply to every single one of you, so let me make this clear: No I probably won't be released from prison any time soon. No you may not kill Bill Hawks or destroy London in my name. And most importantly no I will not accept any of your marriage proposals or... make children with you. That would be pretty impossible considering, once again, I am in prison."

Puzzlette sounded sympathetic. "We're all here for you, Clive. We understand how much you want to atone for your crimes."

"Yes, well, I'm glad you realise what I did was terribly wrong and that prevents me from being with you. I'm not the saint you believe I am."

A Clive fan wiped a tear from her eye. "He's so humble."

"Are you quite finished now?" Clive demanded to his interviewer. "I have a cell I'd like to return to."

Puzzlette pleaded, "Oh, just a few more minutes..."

"GUARDS!" Clive suddenly yelled. "There's a girl in here. You'd better remove her before I kill her!"

"W-wait!" Puzzlette protested as she was dragged out of the prison 'for her own protection'. The film ended there. Both fan clubs gave Puzzlette a standing ovation, exclaiming:

"That was AMAZING!"

"I can't believe you got so close to Clive— and spoke to him too!"

"You're sooo lucky!"

"Did you manage to get an interview with Randall too?" A Randall fan asked hopefully.

"I've got something even better," Puzzlette announced, standing up to open the door with a flourish. "A visit from Randall himself!" Several fans screamed or swooned as the real Randall Ascot arrived.

"Hey," the redhead grinned, prompting some more of his admirers to faint. Less than a second later, he was consumed by the still-conscious fans. They bombarded him with hundred of questions and begged him to sign their tops, their posters, their fan art...

"Randall, do you prefer your hair long or short? I thought it looked sexier long."

Randall ran a hand through his hair. "Henry helped me cut it a little while ago, but I'm considering growing it out again..."

A girl waved a flag with Randall's face on it. "Will you sign my flag? Pretty please?"

"Sure!"

"Why do you wear glasses if you can see without them? Not that they don't suit you, just curious."

"They're inspired by a famous archaeologist," Randall explained, adjusting his glasses. But before he could go off on an archaeology rant, another fan interrupted him.

"So, Randall, is there anyone special in your life at the moment...?"

Randall pursed his lips. "Now that you mention it..." (The fans leaned in eagerly.) "Nope, sorry, it must have slipped my mind. My memory isn't the best, you know."

One fan muttered, "Tease."

Eventually Puzzlette intervened before Randall's ego could burst from the excess praise he was receiving. "All right, everybody. I think we've taken enough of Randall's time now. Hope to see you soon, soon, soon, Randall!" She shoved him out of the room— it was a miracle his ego fit through the door— much to the Randall fans' disappointment.

"Clive had way more screen time!" An ascot-wearer complained.

"Just be thankful that you actually got to meet Randall," Puzzlette told them. "As a fan club, we have to be appreciative of different characters, even if they aren't our favourites."

"Now I can't decide whether Clive or Randall is my favourite," Suzie moaned. She'd been so blown away by Randall, but she couldn't bear to betray Clive...

Puzzlette beamed at her. "Well, what's wrong with liking them both? They're both cute, they've both been evil but strive to atone, and they both have sexy voices! Sure, they have their flaws, but what's not to love about them?"


[[As you can see, I've kept the headcanon that Puzzlette stalks Clive :D]]