Life Goes On
Chapter 2- Back to the Start
It was the Spring of 2010 in Sacramento and the flowers were blossoming and the warm sun was once again high in the sky all day every day. It was a beautiful day and the only people not out in the sun enjoying it consisted of Special Agent Teresa Lisbon and her team who were cooped up in the CBI doing paperwork.
"Why can't someone die?" Agent Wayne Rigsby whined as he stared longingly out of the window at the clear blue sky and the sun shining through the window.
"Lots of people die Rigsby, but no one has been suspiciously murdered yet." Said Patrick Jane, the pain in the ass consultant from his couch. However the heat seemed to be affecting even him as he had taken his vest off and remained in suit pants and a shirt.
Agent Grace Van Pelt rolled her eyes at them both before glancing at Agent Kimball Cho who was lost in a book, he was sitting in the only shaded corner of the room and looked rather intimidating from this angle, trying not to smile she turned her head as she heard a phone ring in the boss's office.
She glanced at Rigsby who looked hopeful and a few seconds later the door opened, Teresa Lisbon walking into the room, looking relieved, "We've got a case so you can stop moping around." She told them, directing the last part at Rigsby.
The team eagerly jumped up from their desks (or couch in Janes case) as they headed for the SUV, at least now they could be out in the sun working instead of being stuck in a crappy building all day.
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"Oh my God." Lisbon muttered as she looked at the 4 year old girl sitting on Patrick Jane's knee, she had just told him that her Daddy had gotten angry and pushed her in the closet whilst he mass murdered 6 people at his home.
The little girl seemed lost and confused, but Jane was rocking her on his knee and singing softly to her, in that moment as she watched him with the little girl who happened to have blonde hair and blue eyes she saw him with his daughter and she wondered if he could ever have that again, with someone, with her.
Unable to watch anymore she tore her eyes away and walked outside, she didn't say anything to him, but she assumed he would know to meet her by the SUV. The others had gone home early so It was just the two of them now. With a sigh she climbed into the car and let her thoughts wonder to the man inside the house.
They had been sleeping together for almost a month now and that was really all it was, to him at least. He liked to flirt with her and tease her, but he didn't have any deep feelings for her, he wasn't capable of feeling anything deep yet, he was still numb. She saw it differently and she wondered if he knew, she was in love with him, madly in love and she wanted more than what he could give her, she knew that he could never give her a husband and a family and a house. He'd already given all of that to someone else and lost it all, but seeing him with that little girl made her heart ache, she wanted that to be her little girl sitting on his knee and she knew she could never have that, they had agreed to as much.
It had all started after a Red John case, she had stayed late at the office to keep him company, he had a nightmare and when he woke up looking scared and feeling vulnerable he had kissed her, after that things had escalated and it had become a weekly occurrence. She hated that they both wanted different things, she wanted a relationship and he wanted a release from the stress that was his life.
Snapping herself away from these dangerous thoughts she smiled at him as he got into the car, she had to watch her thoughts around him or he would read her and she couldn't deal with him knowing the truth yet, she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to deal with that.
He returned the smile, "Tough case?" He asked, obviously reading the troubled expression on her face but misunderstanding the reason for it being there.
She nodded all the same, "They are always hard when they involve children." She told him as she started the engine, he "hmm"-ed his agreement as they left the little estate the house had been in and got onto the main road.
Needing to do something to release her frustration she slammed her foot on the gas, driving along the highway much faster than she should have being, but she was a cop, she would just flash her badge and say she was on her way to a crime scene.
Next to her Jane was smiling in amusement, "You know I can think of better ways for you to release all that pent up energy." He told her in that voice that sent shivers down her spine.
She wanted to accept his offer, but was tonight a good time? She would end up saying something she would regret like 'by the way I want to have babies with you' She groaned in annoyance and forgot that the man was there.
He raised an eyebrow, "Not that I'm saying I'm irresistable or anything, but that's not your usual answer. What's up Teresa?"
Ever since they had started their fling they had been calling each other by their first names when they were alone together and although it had been a month she still liked the way her name sounded on his lips.
"Patrick I'm sorry just...not tonight." She said and her voice broke a little, her wall crumbling, she couldn't tonight, it would hurt too much, it would break her.
Her heart skipped a beat when she felt his hand on hers where it rested on the gear stick and he asked gently, "Whats bothering you?"
Biting her lip as she tried to decide on the best way to answer she chose to bring up the topic of conversation that was making her decisions feel a little different lately, "You're really good with kids, would you ever settle down again after…you know." She couldn't bring herself to say it.
Realisation sunk in and he sighed, she wanted more from this than he did, well it wasn't so much that he didn't want more but he couldn't give her more, he couldn't give her deep undying love and a family, maybe one day, but whilst Red John was alive he couldn't do that to her.
"No." He answered softly and he didn't miss the pang of hurt that flashed across her face, "I don't think I could ever look at a child of mine again and be okay with it, I would feel too much guilt to be able to speak to even speak to it." He sighed, unable to look at her, "Other people's children, well that's different, but no…I could never have a child again."
She nodded, giving him a fake smile, "I guess I understand, I guess I already knew what the answer would be before I asked you."
He squeezed her hand and she flinched pulling it away, "Just don't touch me right now." She said softly, there was no anger in her voice; just pain and that made it a million times worse.
He took his hand away and sighed, it was over now, there was no way what they had being doing could continue, it was bad for them both anyway. They both knew that, but it had never stopped them. He knew now that this disagreement, this realisation that they both wanted a very different life would set them apart more than they knew, he wasn't even sure if their friendship would survive it.
When Lisbon went home that night all she could think about was what had happened that day with Jane, she knew as well as he did that she had just effectively ended what was going on between them and although she knew it was for the best it didn't make it hurt any less.
To Be Continued
A/N- A few more chapters in the past before I go 5 years ahead.
Thanks for reading! xxx
