Meine Blende
(My Iris) by LTS

A songfic/multi-parter
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au
warnings: PG-13 (so far)
spoilers: in the timeline, and asuka
note: this fic takes place during the series, after aya leaves weiss, except this time he not only leaves the team, but he moves out too. it may be AU, but it takes place after asuka (or neu) was killed by youji, as well. let's just say that aya's been on his own for several months now.

updated: 4/18/02

Part Two
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Lügen
(lies)

He curled the sweater around his shoulders, shuddering in the dim light.

The coolness of the rain and the draft in the room spread goose bumps over his body. He shook lightly, his own arms embracing his sides.

I didn't think I'd get my hangover until later, he groaned rubbing his sore eyes, from squinting the night away. He also vaguely remembered moist tears running down his face. But maybe that was just the rain.

Aya's got it all going for him. Maybe quitting Weiß would do me some good. Then Ken'd get a break from me breathing' down his neck. Youji's face was pale and he pulled his hands behind his head laying back on Aya's soft bed. It smelled vaguely like Iris', a smell Youji had begun to relate to Aya, in general. He had noticed Aya's flower arrangements changing quite abruptly, from the usual bouquet of roses to unusual combinations, though the customers still seemed to enjoy them just as much.

The door was ajar when Youji looked back up again. The sun was also rising, painting soft yellows, pinks, and reds in the sky.

Aya's trench coat was tossed over the back of a chair and Youji was faced with those icy violet eyes.

Okay. What's up? Aya said blankly. Youji's eyes trailed Aya's form, soft beads of moisture laying in his hair and against the chest of his shirt.

You know very well that this was gonna happen Aya.

Aya barely nodded and he diverted his vision from Youji's pale face.

And I knew that you could not handle the pressure, so your promise was pointless.

What does drinking have to do with it? I killed his fucking girlfriend Aya!

Aya looked unfazed.

You took the risk to choose such paths in this kind of profession, you know. Ken will realize and understand that.

Youji looked crossly back at Aya who was arranging a set of boxes on the shelf.

You don't know Ken like I do Aya...

/How many times have I heard that?/

Ken really cared about her. She was his first girlfriend. /First love.../ Ken won't be able to take it without her. One time with her leaving was enough for him... Youji's hand busily wrapped against Aya's sheets. And when he finds out... she was my target and I killed her... that'll be enough from him to want me dead!

And I guess you're gonna tell me next that you deserve it and if you weren't Weiß you would have never done it? Aya let out a long dramatic sigh. Or do you wanna stop lying Youji?

Youji swung his head back, letting his hair fall against his cheeks, messily.

It isn't that easy... nothing is. I can't do anything around Ken anymore. I can't lie, I can barely keep my feelings to myself-- and what's worse is I already annoy the heck out of him.

Do you want to know the truth, Kudou? Aya's cold tone echoed back to the blonde's ears.



Asakawa used Hidaka. It's plain and simple. She was our-- your target. Your mission was to destroy her before she destroyed the Kritiker facilities. You were doing your job and in the end, it really would have bettered Ken rather than hurt him. He would have found out sooner or later.

Youji moved uneasily. But why'd I have to do it? It won't matter to him. He loves her. He won't care... and I did it, I killed her... The words felt like acid on Youji's tongue. /Just like I killed Asuka.../

The way you talk, you'd think you never killed before...

Youji showed no reaction and laid his head back on Aya's pillow, nausea rising against his throat.

Really, though. I think there was a part of you that wanted to.

A part of me that wanted to destroy the most important thing in Ken's life?

Sou ka. There is no way you know that for sure. You can't read through Ken's soul. Youji shifted uneasily and Aya sat stiffly on the end of his bed.

I wish I could... he'll hate me, forever, when he knows.

I think part of it was your jealousy.

Nanda? My jealousy didn't kill Yuriko!

Aya sighed. You care about Ken and he cares about her. With her out of the way you won't have him oogling over her.

That's not true. Ken will talk about her until he realizes that she's not coming back. And by then, what chances do I have? He'll be heartbroken and enraged... and its all my fault.

Jealousy is just as dangerous as murder.

/How the hell would you know Fujimiya?/

Youji closed his heavy eyes against the tight knot in his throat.

I just want to fade away, Aya.

That would be pointless.

I am pointless.

No, you have a hangover. You need some sleep, without thinking Aya moved with one swoop, covering Youji with a layer of blankets.

I can't sleep, baka, Youji breathed drowsily before his thoughts disappeared in a dreamless void.


* * *

Ken sat cross-legged at the edge of the sofa staring at the phone.

Ring. Ring, dammit, ring!

He gritted his teeth and picked up the receiver. Dial tone.
This is just my luck. Oi.

Omi walked in, his white apron smeared with grass strains and dirty water splotches.

Ken-kun? You're not gonna spend the rest of the day with that phone are you? I need some help with the shop! It's almost opening time and Youji-kun and Aya-kun are no where to be found... Omi stopped babbling when he realized the look on Ken's face spat heartbreak.

She hasn't called and its been two weeks, Omi. I don't know what to believe.

Omi sighed and gulped, feeling the heat he dreaded slip into his cheeks.

I know you're unhappy about this Ken-kun but ya gotta be patient and give her some time. Something might have happened to delay her visit...

Ken's eyes were still directed on the quiet phone.

Maybe I am overreacting then? Omi just shrugged, not knowing how to even react to that. He felt so guilty knowing this much about Ken's current girlfriend.

There's nothing you can do if she won't call. Girls are weird like that Ken-kun!

Ken sighed heavily and scrambled off the couch to his feet.

I guess you're right...

You just need to distract yourself, and there's a whole bucket of new import flowers in the kitchen! he teased, nudging Ken's elbow.

Oh, thanks! Ken rolled his eyes, socking Omi in the arm and he sped ahead into the shop, forgetting her for the moment.

As time passed and the hours rolled by, the phone finally rang. Ken sped across the living room, leaping over the couch, his hands covered in potting soil.

Moshi, moshi, Kitten in the House... Hai, this is Ken... Oi, Aya. Heh, no, I wasn't expecting a call... his face tinted with blush and Omi stood in the doorway watching solemnly. Where're you guys-- Oh. Oh. You're car stalled? Another hangover? Jesus! Sometimes I wonder if Youji'll ever get alcohol poisoning... Eh? No. We'll be okay. Hai. Ja! Ken slammed the phone down on the receiver.

Omi sighed, his eyes bright and wide.

Not Yuriko?

Ken shook his head. Aya won't be coming in today. He's trapped out of the city. It's fine though, but I have soccor practice with the kids at 8 o'clock. Hope that'll be okay... he wandered back into the main room his physical movements stalled and more brief. Omi held his breath, the sudden silent feeling welling up inside of him. Ken was his friend and this secret was burning a hole inside of Omi's gentle heart.

Ken-kun? Don't worry about it... girls are funny sometimes.... she'll remember and call you eventully. Omi hated lying.

Ken sighed. Omi was probably right, but it didn't help move his feelings on further, that's for sure. Ken stumbled into the shop, without saying a word to the younger blonde. As soon as he entered, almost at once, the door started ringing.

Matte! I'm coming! he cried to the crowd of anxious girls.