I have to apologize here, I am trying to recreate the 'why would want to die" conversation and add the insecurity and doubt that are keeping them apart right now. I am trying not to take the conversation straight form cannon, but a lot of the answers are the same. The conversation is supposed to strained and awkward. It's a hard conversation to have with anyone at any age. There is going to be a lot of talking in this chapter.

As always, all recognizable characters are property of Stephenie Meyer. I am making no money from this story, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Edward came to my bedroom the next night. He gave me his perfect half smile and I felt my heart begin to melt.

"No." I told myself, "I can't let his smile dazzle me. There are things that I have to say. If I don't have this conversation with him now, we will never have it. There are things I still don't understand and things he needs to know. "

I was sitting on my old rocking chair and I didn't move to greet him, my inner monologue had prevented me from smiling back at him. Edward crossed the room; he looked puzzled at my non greeting.

"Bella? Is everything ok?" he asked, confusion turning quickly to concern. This is going to be hard…I do love him, I just don't know if that's enough anymore.

"I'm fine Edward; I just want us to talk a little first. Clear the air and see where we both stand." This was not coming out right, but how do you tell the person you love that you don't know if you want him back?

Edward answered me slowly. "See where we stand with what?" He cocked his head to the side and stared at me, again confused.

"About us Edward, See where we stand about us. See if we still want…if we ever wanted… the same things." My voice broke as I said this. I have to get through this, it's just a conversation.

"Ok" Edward was bewildered. "What is it you want Bella?" I could tell he was trying to understand what I was saying. A horrible image of our talk in the woods flashed through my head, only with the roles reversed. I couldn't hurt him like that. I wouldn't hurt him like that. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I don't know what I want, that's part of the problem. I know its confusing for you right now, but there are things we need to talk about. Things that can no longer go unsaid."

Edward said nothing; hurt was evident on his face. I continued "I'm going about this all wrong, I'm sorry about that, but there is so much that I don't understand."

"What don't you understand? What things need to be said?" Edward finally moved. Crossing back to the window and sitting on the end of my bed.

I got up and walked to my desk. I had written a list of things I needed to know, a list of things Edward needed to know and a list of questions that I needed to be asked. Edward noticed the notebook and chuckled.

"You made a list? How long have you been planning this conversation?" his tone was light, but his face was serious, probably wondering if how the conversation was going to progress.

"I've been planning this conversation since I woke up. I made a list because it is so easy for me to be distracted by you. I think it's really important that we talk about some things."

"So you've said. What exactly do you want to know?"

I looked at my list unnecessarily. I had the questions memorized, but I needed a place to look other then Edward's searching eyes.

"For starters, why would you try to kill yourself when you thought that I was dead? I know that you would automatically feel responsible, but why would you want to die?" my question came out shaky, nervous.

Edward started at my question. "Why would I want to die? Bella, we have had this conversation, I told you, I can't live with out you. I won't live without you."

"Yes," I answered slowly, trying to control the anger that was seeping into my voice. "you said that and then left me three days later. In fact, you told me I was no good for you but that you'd always love me...in a way." I scathed, gritting my teeth at the end. This was difficult to talk about but it had to be done.

" Bella, I had to tell you that. I had to lie to get you to let go. I knew that you would never accept my leaving any other way." He crossed the room in two strides to kneel at the foot to the rocking chair, his hands went automatically to my waist. " I thought I would have to explain for hours to convince you, but you accepted my lies so easily." His voice was pained. I couldn't believe he was trying to turn this around now.

"You've never lied to me, that I know of, before. Why would I think you were lying." I replied anger seeping into my voice again. " For days you have been pulling away, coming over but not really being here. Spending more time with Charlie then with me. It made sense, that you finally realized- " I couldn't finish what I was going to say. There was so much running my through my head right now, I wanted to make sure I was perfectly clear with him. "If you were hurt by my believing you, then you have no one to blame but yourself." Edward let go of me and rocked back on his heels. The hurt on his face almost had me taking back what I'd said.

"Why lie to me? Why not just tell me that you think it's too dangerous for me to be with you and because you think that way you and your whole family are leaving and never coming back?"

"Would that have been better? Would you have listened?"

"No! It wouldn't have been better, but I would have understood it better. I would not have spent months in a zombie like haze that I still can't remember. Would I have listened? No, I would have fought you on it, the same way I fought Jacob when he-"

"Found out he was a werewolf? Alice told me about him and your friendship. You should be more careful Bella, young werewolves are dangerous."

"Jake would never hurt me on purpose." I replied, putting emphasis on the words 'on purpose.' "He was ordered to stay away from me, that he would put me in danger right now just being near me, but he couldn't hurt me like that."

"So did my plan work? Were you able to move out of your 'Zombie like haze' and move on with your life? Am I to late to make things right with you?" It sounded like Edward was having trouble getting the words out. Almost like something was caught in his throat.

"Honestly Edward, I'm not sure anymore." I knew what I had to say was going to hurt him more that anything else that I had said, but there was no making things better unless everything was laid out in the open. I had planned on telling Jake the truth and letting him choose whether or not he would still have me, so I might as well do the same for Edward. "I never thought I'd feel normal again after you left. Everything reminded me of you, even without all the things you took when you left. My 'friends' gave up on me; you took the only people I could really talk to with you when you left. When I started hanging out with Jake, I'd didn't have to pretend to be normal, to be sane. He let me be until I was ready to talk. He kept me laughing when I wanted to cry. He was my sun on a dark, stormy day."

Edward closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He held his breath for a while, keeping his eyes closed.

"And you" his voice was low and hoarse. "You love this Jake?" he asked as he inhaled.

"Not the way I love you," his eyes opened and there was a hint of hope in them. "I'll never love anyone the way I love you, but I know he has deeper feelings for me. I don't know what you have found if you came back in a few months."

Edward nodded his head lightly. "I was coming back. Before I thought… well before I spoke to Rosalie. I was going to come back and check to see if you had moved on. I would not have interfered if you were happy. You would have never known I came back. If you were not happy I would have come to you and begged you take me back." Edward paused. "What have I found Bella? Are you happy with Jacob Black? Do you want me to leave?"

"No, I don't want you to leave. I love you, Edward; I just can't trust you anymore. I can't survive another hurt like that. When you leave again-"

"I will never leave you again. What will it take to prove that to you?" Edward did sound like he was begging now. The thought twisted my stomach; he shouldn't have to beg for anything.

"Time, Edward," My voice broke as the anger abated and I struggled not to cry. "Just give me time."

"All you need." He reached out to me again and crushed me to him. "I will bee waiting for you when you make up your mind. Just come to me when you are ready, whatever your decision." He kissed my forehead tenderly. Then he rose from the floor and climbed out of my window.

I crawled back into bed and sobbed into my pillow.