OK, this took a little longer than I thought it would, but here's some actual story for all y'all that have been waiting! Here it is!
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Once upon a time there was a beautiful (here meaning totally sexy) young woman by the name of Yang Xiao-Long, who was-
"Wait, stop right there!"
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"Weiss, I'm telling a story; please hold all questions until the end of the narrative."
"This just going to be some self aggrandizing tripe about how awesome you are, isn't it?" Weiss accused, glaring pointedly and the blond brawler.
"Nnnnnot really?" Yang answered, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head. She had to give Weiss some credit, the girl could really be intimidating when she tried.
"Weiss, let Yang tell the story," the young leader pleaded, "She's really good at this, just give her a chance, please?" Ruby then put on the cutest face she possibly could: eyes wide and glistening, her lips formed into a pout and quivering, and her hands clasped together pleadingly.
It's enough to give someone diabetes, the heiress thought, her resolve rapidly crumbling under the onslaught of cuteness.
"...fine! Continue the story," she relented, sitting back huffily.
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...who was called Goldilocks by her friends because of her shiny blond hair. All in all she was a pretty normal girl: friends with everyone in town, measurements that could turn a gay man straight and a straight girl gay, five time undefeated-
"Yang!"
"Alright, alright! I'll stop."
Anyway, one day she decided to go for a run in the woods (a girl's gotta stay in shape, after all), since it was a beautiful day outside and it would be a crime not to enjoy it. After about an hour or so she decided to take a short rest in a pleasant glade she came across.
...Right after she got rid of the pack of Beowolves in it.
"Alright boys," she said, bringing up her fists, "Momma needs a new fur coat!"
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In another part of the forest, a little ways off, there was a small cottage that belonged to a trio of Fauna girls: a cat Faunus, a fox Faunus, and bear Faunus. They all lived there happily, content to be away from the fast paced life of the big cities.
"I mean really, what's the harm in getting some nicer food once in a while? All we ever eat around here is fish and venison, and not even the good kind!"
...except for the Fox, who had more sophisticated tastes than her two companions.
"We've been through this already, Snow," the cat Faunus, Belle, reminded Snow, "we don't go into town unless it's an emergency and there's no other choice; remember the fiasco that happened last time?"
Snow's fox ears twitched, then flattened in annoyance as the point sunk in, calling back memories of their disastrous last trip into town for some much needed medical supplies.
They were still weren't allowed within 3 kilometers, unless it was for the aforementioned emergency.
"I'm aware," she said, "but I feel that this is an emergency."
Before Belle could ask why, they heard a commotion erupt from the kitchen, followed by the declaration "Nothing caught on fire...much!".
"Because it's Rosey's turn to make supper."
"It's almost ready!" Rosey, the bear Faunus, called again, sticking her head around the corner, her round ears wagging excitedly, "You guys should probably set some bowls out, by the way."
Belle's cat ears drooped in resignation.
"Let's just survive tonight," the cat Faunus sighed, trudging off to retrieve the proper tableware.
The Fauna girls had lived together like this for as long as they could remember, since the three of them were living on the streets when they were still children. By a stroke of sheer luck they'd found an abandoned cabin and made it their home, living comfortably for years. For the most part things reminded relatively peaceful, save for the occasional argument that managed to blow out of control. (Case in point, the incident that got them ban from the town.)
"I hope you guys are ready for a taste sensation the likes of which you've never seen before!" Rosey declared, carrying a steaming pot over to the table. Coasters had been set out beforehand, so she set the pot down on one and scooped some of the contents into each of the three bowls. "Bon appetit!"
"...it's porridge," Snow deadpanned, looking blankly at the viscous paste in her bowl.
"Yes it is!" the bear Faunus confirmed emphatically, looking quite proud of herself.
"I think you may have oversold it a bit," said Belle, picking up a spoonful of porridge and letting it plop back into the rest.
"It's the only thing I know how to make... " she said morosely, before shaking it off and looking expectant. "Well, try some!"
The other two Fauna, not really seeing a way out (what with Rosey starting wide eyed in anticipation at them) each scooped some porridge on their spoons, bringing it carefully to their mouths.
However, all the caution in the world couldn't stop them from burning the roofs of their mouths with the stuff.
"Too hot?" Rosey asked.
"I should say!" Snow fumed, "You know I have a delicate palette; I'll be lucky if I can taste anything again after this!"
"Not everyone has your iron jaws," Belle pointed out, fanning her mouth until the heat died away, "Just because you can eat everything under the sun doesn't mean we can."
Rosey drooped her head sorrowfully, tears causing her eyes to become shining. That, coupled with the the way her faunus ears tried to fold in on themselves made for an image that was nearly impossible to stay mad at.
"...Why don't we go out for a little bit while the food cools down," the cat Faunus suggested, "We could get some watercress from the stream, or whatever other herbs we happen to find."
"As much as I'd rather not do this on an empty stomach, the thought of adding some flavor to the meal is more appealing," Snow reluctantly agreed. "It...probably won't be that bad with a little seasoning."
Rosey perked up at this. "I'll go grab my cape!"
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"Yes, Ruby?" Yang sighed; her younger sister was sticking her hand in the air as far as it could go, and it was admittedly quite distracting.
"Rosey's supposed to be me, right?" She pointed to her face in emphasis, grinning widely.
"Possibly...," Yang said coyly, twirling a bit her hair, "you could interpret it that way."
"Then I would be Belle," Blake reasoned.
Yang just smiled noncommittally.
"So wait, why'd you make me a fox?" Weiss asked, a little irritated at the possible implications of the creative liberty. However, she noticed Blake staring at her with her eyebrow raised. "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being part animal," the heiress defended, "I just want to know her reasoning for it."
"What reasoning? I just picked different animals at random for the Faunus characters," Yang explained, seemingly genuine, "Blame your own imagination if it's bothering you."
Weiss would have protested that she wasn't invested enough for that to be the case, but thought better of it and instead went with the excuse of "I suppose it must have just been my mind finding a way to fight off the boredom." and allowed Yang to continue.
"Now then, where was I?...Oh right!"
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By this point Goldilocks had finished giving the Beowolf pack the thrashing of its life and was sitting under an oak tree to take a well deserved breather.
"That was fun," she said to herself, "Maybe I'll come back once the pack repopulates and do it again! ...though I probably should have left a few of them alive for that." All around her the dead, lifeless bodies of the Beowolves lay scattered about the glade, slowly dissolving into the ground. It was probably a bit cruel of her to slaughter all of them so brutally, but they deserved it; one of them tried to bite at her long, curly hair, and she just wouldn't stand for that!
"Mangy mutts tryin' to mess with a girl's hair…," she muttered, shifting her back into a more comfortable position, "Maybe I'll just catch a quick Forty Winks before I head back." A reasonable state of comfort achieved, Goldilocks closed her eyes and drifted off into the world of dreams….
BOOM!
"Eep!"
"Pipe down, Ruby!"
The mighty thunderclap shocked Goldilocks awake, yanking her from the arms of Morpheus. Gone was the pleasant, sunny glade she'd fought the Beowolves in, now replaced with with howling winds and dark clouds that blotted out the sun. A few of the Beowolf corpses were still in the process of dissolving, only now the wind grabbed the free particles and carried them off before they could join their brethren in the ground.
"How long was I asleep for?" she wondered, rubbing her arms to fight off the chill of the wind. It couldn't have been more than an hour, she figured, or else everything would be darker when she woke up. She didn't remember the weather forecast saying it was going to rain today either, further baffling her.
However, a flash of lightning and an even louder thunderclap convinced her that thinking about erratic weather patterns could wait until she got her sexy butt home! So she ran off before another bolt of lightning decided to use her for target practice.
Which would be fine if she hadn't just picked a random direction to run in, thereby getting herself lost in the woods.
She didn't noticed this for about ten minutes. What made things worse was that she started to feel droplets of water splash on her mane of gold, which upgraded her objective from "get out of the forest" to "FIND COVER YESTERDAY!".
No way I'm letting these luscious locks get damp, she thought as she ran, not after all the trouble I just went through to get them like this! Seriously, the prices of beauty products nowadays is positively criminal. I mean I know the rampant Dust thefts have caused a few shortages here and there but who would have thought volumizing shampoo would be part of the hellooooo cabin!
The Almighty Creator must have been feeling generous today, because up ahead was a quaint little log cabin with the cutest little porch. She felt more raindrops in her hair and poured on the speed, making it under the cover of the porch just as the skies opened up the floodgates.
Her follicles out of harm's way, Goldilocks turned her attention to the cabin itself, seeing light through the windows.
"Hello, anybody home?" She knocked on the door, hoping someone was home, when the door creaked open on its own.
Apparently it was already open already.
"Well," she said as she let herself in, "it's not 'breaking in' if the door's unlocked!"
Inside the cabin was pretty much what Goldilocks expected, though what surprised her was how much larger it seemed now that she was inside; it seemed smaller on the outside, though that was probably because it had gotten dark outside.
The decor, for the most part, was the standard cabin fare: wooden furniture, candles everywhere for light, and flowers placed around to make everything seem less drab. Off to the side was a staircase that probably lead to the bedrooms, and ahead was a table set for three.
And in each spot sat a bowl filled with porridge.
Goldi's stomach growled so loud that for a moment she thought it was the thunder outside.
"I guess it has been a while since I've eaten...," she realized, patting her (sexy) stomach. Looking around once more (if someone else were there, she'd have asked before taking anything) she zipped over to one of the chairs and snatched up the spoon resting nearby, "No sense in letting all this food go to waste!" She removed a lid with bear ears on it (it was ADORABLE!) and dug into the meal with gusto!
Only to spit it right out before it burned a hole in her tongue.
"Yowza that's hot!" She fanned her mouth, wishing she had some water right about now. "OK, not eating any more of that bowl. Seriously, who likes their food that hot?" Hoping the other bowls weren't nearly as dangerous, she reached for the-
"Hold on just a minute!"
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Yang let out a long suffering sigh, "What is it now, Weiss?"
"I have a few issues with this character of yours," the heiress said, "For starters, who just walks into people's houses and eats their food? That's completely savage! Not to mention her seeming lack of intelligence-" Yang's eyebrow twitched. "-just shoving the porridge into her mouth without taking steps to cool it down."
"Weiss," Blake said placatingly, "it's just a story."
"So what if it's just a story?" Weiss shot back, "It's full of so many inconsistencies that I'm surprised that, that…." Weiss struggled to find the right words to express her frustration, but none came. "...I'm just surprised!"
"You know she's just retelling a children's story," Ruby asked, "right?" She reached into her book bag and pulled out a small book with a picture of a silhouetted girl with curly blond hair on the cover. "See?"
"...My point still stands," Weiss adamantly stood fast.
"You know," Blake interjected. Whether her comrade's criticisms were true or not, they were starting to get on her nerves, "you're probably over thinking this."
"But-"
"It's OK to just get lost in a story sometimes," she continued, "even if the story isn't the best."
Knowing when she was defeated, Weiss sighed and threw up her hands. "Fine, I'll play along!" she relented.
"Very big of you, Weiss!" Yang congratulated. "Now, if there are no more interruptions, Let's get back to the story!"
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Deciding to take her chances, Goldilocks tried the porridge in the bowl without a cover on it. (The third bowl had a snowflake patterned handkerchief over it.) Not wanting to repeat her sizzling experience, she scooped some porridge on her spoon and gingerly poked it with her tongue.
And to her great surprise it was cool to the touch! She could actually eat this bowl!
...if it didn't taste so nasty.
"Blech! I've eaten cardboard with more flavor than this!" She pushed the bowl away and turned her attention to the third place at the table, as well as the bowl that sat there.
Her stomach growled again, erasing any doubts she had about trying the the final bowl. She repeated the same temperature check as the last bowl (it checked out, though it still had a bit of heat to it) and ate a spoonful.
"Wow, that's not half bad!" she exclaimed. It still wasn't the tastiest thing ever, but the heat helped mask that fact. With renewed gusto she proceeded to finish of the bowl in about three minutes.
Her belly now full Goldilocks went over by the fireplace, where she found three chairs. She made her way to the largest chair and sat down, immediately sinking into the cushions.
"Nope!" she said, popping the P. She tried the next chair, a wooden straightback, but couldn't get comfortable in it no matter how much she fidgeted.
The third chair, which could generously be called a beanbag, turned out to be the winner; it somehow combined the firmness of the wooden chair with the softness of the cushions into one gloriously comfortable seat.
"I need to get one of these for myself," she said, snuggling deeper into the bag.
As she stared at the ceiling her thoughts once again turned to the owner (owners?) of the cabin and why they weren't in it.
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Said owners of the cabin were, at the moment, hiding in a cave to escape the torrential rain, each for different reasons.
"I can't believe it started raining just as we started heading back!" Snow exclaimed, frustrated. She was sitting as far back as the tiny cave would allow, hugging her knees to her chest, "Now the ground is going to be all muddy when the rain stops, and it's going to get all over my dress!"
"It won't be so bad as long as we stick to the grass," Belle said, sitting slightly ahead of the fox Faunus and looking like she expected the rain to leap out and attack her. "Hopefully it shouldn't last too much longer."
"Aaah!" Rosey said, trying to catch the water that dripped from the mouth of the cave in her mouth. Unlike her two friends, Rosey actually liked playing in the rain; she didn't worry about its effects like Snow, and it didn't cause her physical discomfort like Belle.
It was the thunder and lightning that she didn't like, scurrying behind Belle when a huge clap sounded.
"Don't worry," Belle told the young cub, patting her shoulder comfortingly, "if the thunder is that loud that means the storm should pass soon."
"OK…," she whimpered.
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Back at the cabin, Goldilocks was starting to get sleepy. Though she couldn't see through the overcast sky, her body knew that it was evening out now. By now the Grimm would all be out in force, and heading back would be too dangerous, even for her.
She hadn't explored the second level of the cabin yet, so she figured now was as good a time as any to do so. Easing out of the bean bag (seriously, you could get addicted to those things!) she made her way up the stairs and into a loft area. It was smaller than the downstairs, though it was strangely cosy.
Like the downstairs, the theme of threes continued with the three beds she found. (She was starting to get the feeling that at least three people lived here...)
She tried the smallest bed (it had bear blanket on it), and encountered the same problem as with the cushy chair. Namely, that the bed nearly devoured her and transported her to another universe. Fortunately, she managed to grab the bedpost before she slipped past the event horizon.
Finally safe on the floor, she cautiously tried the next bed, which had a cat motif going. At first touch it felt much firmer than the last bed (she shivered involuntarily), and upon further inspection was revealed to be nearly as stiff as a board.
"Who in their right mind would sleep on this?" she wondered, hopping off the bed and rubbing her aching back. When she was sure she wouldn't need a back brace by the ripe old age of 25 (or however old Ms. Goodwitch is…) she she sat on the third bed. This one, unlike the other two, was neither too soft or too hard; it ended up somewhere in the middle, and almost pulled her into dreamland then and there with how unholy comfortable it was.
"Juuuust right!" she sighed, snuggling deeper into the veritable cloud she was laying on. Soon she could no longer resist the arms of Morpheus and drifted off into the realm of sleep.
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By this point the rain had stopped, and the sisterhood was almost back at the reclusive place of residence.
"I told you my shoes would get ruined!" Snow complained, "'Oh don't worry Snow, it won't be that muddy in the grass, you precious shoes will be fine!' Well, they're not fine now, are they?"
"It's just a little mud, it'll wash right out," Rosey said, hiding slightly behind Belle, "Besides, don't you have, like, five other pairs of shoes that are exactly the same?"
"But this pair was ruined!" the fox Faunus insisted. "Now I'm going to have to sneak into town to get a replacement pair!"
"I'm sure it'll all come out with a little elbow grease," Belle said, walking in the front of the line they were in; behind her was Snow, who was holding her "ruined" shoes in her hand and stomping along barefoot, and following her was an indomitably cheerful Rosey. "We're almost home, we'll deal with it then."
To be continued...
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Seriously though people, took a while. Hopefully the next and last chapter won't be so lengthy in coming. (And if anyone knows any good Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter jokes I could through in, don't be shy in sharing!)
