Ed threw the bathroom door wide open. He slowly advanced onto Roy, enjoying the clomping noise of his platform boots.
The Brigadier General gave Ed a look. "Will you ever get over your height, Fullmetal?"
"Will you ever get over your gayness, Bastard Colonel?" spat Ed. He didn't like the way the beginning of this conversation had started.
Roy looked at the faucet as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. "Hawkeye...well, she rejected me,"
Ed stared at him, surprised. He didn't know they were like that. Friends with benefits, maybe, but lovers? Such a possibility dwelled in the realm of impossibility. "You liked the Lieutenant?"
"...liked?" said Roy as manly tears began to stream down his reddened cheeks. "I LOVED HER TO PIECES, DAMMIT!" His manly sobs echoed through the bathroom. Manly thumb sucking followed throughout the manly convulsions he engaged in during the whole manly ordeal.
"I wonder where Al is," Ed mused, watching Mustang bawl like a baby.
Meanwhile, Al had wandered off and was now lost in the labyrinth that was Central HQ.
"HELP!" He screamed to no one in particular. Immediately, the fangirls were at his side.
"ZOMFG! HE'S NAKED!" exclaimed the fangirls. They began to lust over Al while touching him in inappropriate places.
Instantaneously, Al remembered his Super Awesome Totally Not Gay Alchemist Powers. He grabbed one of the fangirls and transmuted her clothes into a size and style that suited him. Then, using some martial arts, he roundhouse kicked all the fangirls to the insane asylum that they had all come from.
It was done. The fangirls had been defeated. Every single one was gone, every fangirl that ever existed for any fandom. No longer would they terrorize the face of the planet. Al began to sob in manly joy. Perhaps they would give him a trophy or such as an award of valor.
Suddenly, Al realized that he was still hopelessly lost.
"HELP!" He screamed again.
Meanwhile, in the men's bathroom, Roy was still crying and to be honest, Ed was getting slightly irritated. Manly men were not supposed to cry. What was the meaning of this blasphemy? He had always thought that Mustang was a rather manly man, save for his gayness. After all, the ex-Colonel had endured the death of his teacher, gone insane on two Homunculi, and had epically pwned a horde of doll soldiers. Not everybody could do so much in a single lifetime.
Roy sniffled a little more. "Will you...tell Hawkeye about my feelings for her?"
"No," said Ed flatly. "If you want something done, you have to do it yourself,"
"But my subordinates always did my paperwork for me,"
Ed rolled his eyes. "Oh really,"
"Well, not today," Tears welled up in Roy's eyes as he realized what he had said and how it had connected to the previous events involving himself and Riza Hawkeye. His shoulders trembled, yet he managed to suppress the urge to bawl.
"Yes, go ahead and bawl," mocked Ed, using his steel heart in a negative way. "Go ahead and cry your little black eyes out. I'm sure the Lieutenant loves men that cry over trivial things,"
"THIS ISN'T TRIVIAL!" cried Roy, bursting into uncontrollable sobs. "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A SERIOUS THING!"
Watching the blubbering man, Ed realized that he was the only one who could help this poor helpless soul. Not Madame Christmas, Fuhrer Grumman, one of Roy's henchmen, or one of Roy's girlfriends. None of them could pull Roy out of his desperation, and even if they could, they wouldn't want to.
On the other hand, Edward Elric was a shining bastion of compassion and kindness. He was a symbol to the masses, a fighter for the meek, and a man determined to work for the greater good. He was the main character of an award winning manga and anime. He had stolen the hearts of several fanboys and many dead fangirls. Surely he could help a person in need...surely he could!
Or not.
"I'm hungry," He walked out of the restroom, leaving Mustang sobbing. Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc watched Ed leave, curious as to what had happened.
"Should we help Mustang?"
"Nah,"
By now, Ed had left Central HQ, and was on his way to a restaurant to eat food. It was high noon, and the ex-alchemist rather wanted a meal to sate his growling stomach.
He arrived at a bistro called FLEUR A LA MORT and walked into it. Everyone around him was eating and talking. Ed took a sweeping glance at all the dishes set out. The pickings looked promising.
"Can I help you?" A waitress walked up to him.
"Yeah. I wanna eat," Ed got straight to the point.
The waitress giggled to herself. This strange man was so...strange! Her last boyfriend had heavily abused her, and she had been forced to file a restraining order against him. But this guy looked kind. He looked like a caring man. More importantly, he looked hot.
"...hello, can I have a menu or something?"
"Oh, of course," She giggled some more and gave him her bra. Ed stared at the piece of lingerie, dumbfounded.
"This isn't a menu,"
She laughed. "Oh, you're right! Silly me," She took back her bra and put it on, then handing Ed the actual menu. "You can sit down right here and wait,"
"Um...okay," Ed sat down. He continued to look around the place. There weren't that many familiar faces, unless...
"HAWKEYE?"
"...Fullmetal?"
Sure enough, it was Riza Hawkeye, sitting at a table with Black Hayate. The canine barked in joy.
"What are you doing here?"
"Black Hayate recommended this place to me so I thought I might as well check it out,"
"...Black Hayate?"
Riza calmly folded her hands on the table. "So, Ed, what brings you here?"
"I was hungry, and I still am,"
"That's unfortunate," Riza motioned for Ed to come over to her table, and he did so. "Have you ever been to this place before?"
"I have!"
Ed, Riza, and Black Hayate turned their heads to the ceiling. Hanging from the rafter were none other than Ling Yao and Lan Fan. The two Xingese dropped down silently and seated themselves at the table.
"The food here is really good," continued Ling. "I eat here whenever I'm in Central,"
"I bet the fact that you don't pay for it makes it more tastier," scoffed Ed.
"Actually, it does, I tested it once,"
Lan Fan was helping herself to a plate of steak and mashed potatoes that had appeared out of nowhere. "Young master, please refrain from sharing your methods,"
Ling just laughed. "Methods, schmethods,"
The same waitress arrived at Ed's previous table. Seeing that Ed was not there, her eyes bugged out in shock. "Hot guy! Where are you?" Ed did not respond.
Slightly desperate now, she scanned the bistro interior until she found the one and only Fullmetal right behind her. "There you are!" But then she saw Riza, Black Hayate, and the Xingese. Rage began to build up in her.
"Oh no," said Lan Fan, putting on her mask.
AN: Why is the waitress jealous of Ed? Will Roy ever have Riza as his bride? Do they really serve steak and mashed potatoes at bistros? Is Al still hopelessly lost? All these questions (and more) will be answered in the next chapter.
