Stacey was exhausted, the sobs that had ravaged her body had thankfully stopped and her hiccups had disappeared when Claudia had put her arms around her. She clung to Claudia, her life line. Stacey knew that if either of them let go her hope would vanish and the last piece of her that mattered would be swallowed by her own vanity.

Stacey didn't know why Claudia was holding her or how she had gotten onto her bed, she ran the lunch room conversation over and over in her mind and she was ashamed. If she had any energy left she would cry more useless tears but fortunately she only had enough strength to hold onto the collar of Claudia's dashiki in one hand and a lock of her long jet-black hair in the other. Stacey spoke the words that burned on her tongue just as the horror of the day hit her again. Somehow she found more tears to shed.

Like a repeating nightmare the lunch room scene forced itself into Stacey's mind again. It started like every lunch since the beginning of the school year. Stacey and Lana walking side by side in perfect step and Terry and Shawna running ahead to save 'their' table. In private Stacey referred to them as thing1 and thing2, not because they reminded her of the characters in the Dr. Seuss book she had read to Charlotte and her other BSC charges hundreds of times but because their personalities were so bland, their smiles so fake, their stories so bewildering boring, (Seriously, a story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, how hard is that?) that Stacey only thought of them as things, like leafs of a table to be extended when needed and hidden away when their duty was done. But they had two things that could not be ignored, looks and money. Terry was tall and stately with a slight overbite while Shawna was short with curves and pouty lips that made the boys of Stoneybrook High stare with goofy smiles. They were as different as night and day but in the end they were the same. There was nothing that their father's money could not buy and no boy they could not charm, as long as the boys didn't try to look behind the curtain to the brainless interior that lay beyond. Like two different books with the same ending, to know one was to be bored by the other.

But Lana was different, Lana's father had money too but she was beautiful where Terry and Shawna were simply cute. Where Terry and Shawna were vapid Lana was smart, and cunning. She had red hair and green eyes and everyone thought that she was fiery but Stacey knew better, after two years she knew the fire for the ice that it was. Stacey might refer to Terry and Shawna as thing1 and thing2 in private to Lana but she would never dare to speak Lana's nickname, Icebitch aloud. When Lana was pleased her 'wit' only cut like a January wind but when she was angry, an emotion Lana would never admit to having, she could freeze you where you stood and burn you down with the black ice that shone behind her green eyes.

On her first day at Stoneybrook high Stacey had been drawn to her. Lana's hair, and makeup were perfect. Stacey didn't need to see the labels of Lana's clothes to know that they came from the best shops in NYC. Stacey remembered how she had looked at Lana and then at Claudia and had come to an almost instantaneous decision. Goodwill daring was out and 5th Avenue was in. She had no idea that this decision would, two years later, lead her back to Claudia, ashamed, and the best part of her all but gone.

Stacey didn't know how to tell Claudia that she would not, could not fit into the life she saw for herself at SHS. Nor would any of the old BSC for that matter. The popularity and boys and parties would not come to her if she where weighed down by her past. Since she didn't know how to tell them to go away Stacey simply stopped talking to them. It was difficult at first but as the days past it got easier as their faces faded. All of her old life faded under the glow of Lana's cold green eyes. Except for Laine Cummings.

Stacey would almost always see Laine on her infrequent trips to NYC. During her freshman year she and Laine would get together and laugh and giggle and compare notes about their friends and the boys at their schools. During her sophomore year Stacey's trips to NYC became more frequent and Laines visits went late into the night. On those nights Laine would often stay over with Stacey. They would snuggle in Stacey's bed and whisper like they had when they were children. It was just after Christmas when Laine kissed Stacey for the first time.

Stacey was confused but it seem somehow impolite to break the kiss. Eventually, Laine pulled away and giggled. "Practice", she had said, for when she and Stacey had steady boyfriends. Stacey and Laine practiced till early morning and every weekend that Stacey went to NYC after that.

The practice turned into "experiments" as Laine called it and as the snow melted into dirty black piles around the city the experiments got more intense. Laine knew just what to do to get a fire started in Stacey's body but it wasn't until her 16th birthday in early April when Laine gave Stacey her "special" present that she brought the fire roaring out of Stacey's body. They lay together afterwards in pleasant silence. A silence that was broken when Laine insisted that they get some sleep so they could get up early to go shopping. It was then that Stacey came to grips with her sexuality and knew that she wanted a special woman in her life. She also knew that Laine was not that woman. She had know for some time now that Laine was tiring of their experiments. Her special birthday present was their Swan Song. The tune had been exquisite and had been given freely and with love but Stacey knew it was a parting gift of a re-found old friend and not of a new lover. When Stacey left on the train the next day Laine, who had driven her there, gave her a peck on the cheek and a smile, the fire was gone but the warmth remained. Stacey hugged her and smiled back.

It was on the ride back to Stoneybrook when Stacey first realized how alone she was. Her time with Laine had been wonderful, a pleasant diversion from the Icebitch and thing1 and thing2, but she felt like a young bird about to leap head first from the safety of the only home she had known. Stacey had reached the country side when the melancholy hit her with full force. Who was she? Laine loved her but she was not her answer. Stacey closed her eyes and, unbidden, a face came to her. Framed in jet-black hair was a face that Stacey knew well. But the full lips where pressed into a firm line, the exotic cheeks where sharp and uninviting, the almond eyes where hard and black and stared into Stacey's soul. The accusation was plain, the hurt was masked by the severity of the eyes but Stacey new it was there, just below the surface. The kind of hurt that never goes away.

It was then that Stacey new why she was alone, she knew who she was. She was something worse than things 1 and 2 for she had a brain but had not used it. She was something worse than the Icebitch for she had a heart but refused to listen to it. What was left but courage? Her former friends had courage flowing through them like the blood in their veins. Kristy showed it every time she stepped into the batters box, or stood up for herself or her friends or family. Kristy was always the first to step forward and take the brunt of an attack head on, it was who she was. Mary Anne's courage was more subtle but just as remarkable. How much courage did it take to open your heart so wide and to anyone who needs it? Every time Mary Anne spoke with her heart she took the chance that someone might break it, but she did it anyway, it was who she was. And Claudia? For years she had withstood the quiet fury of her parents who showed no interest in her abilities and dismissed her art as childish. But Claudia persevered. Her courage was never so evident then when she showed a new sculpture or exhibited her paintings. Or dressed in some extraordinary combination of green and black. Claudia was who she was because her courage allowed her to be true to her nature.

Stacey was alone because she didn't use her brain or listen to her heart and she knew now who she was, she was a cowered. Her old friends had found their courage and when one of them was burdened with troubles the others where there share the load. Stacey had thing 1 and thing 2 and the Icebitch. Stacey knew then that she was dying and had been dying a little bit each day. She knew that the best part of her, the part that long to be back with the BSC, to be back with Claudia would soon be gone. She did not have the courage to get that part of her back. Stacey wept the rest of the way home, she had no one to share her burden.

Summer came and Stacey was reminded at how small Stoneybrook was whenever she saw Claudia. Without knowing it Stacey had watched Claudia grow into the woman she would soon become. She was kind and sure like Mimi but was also beautiful and slender like her mother. And, Stacey noticed, willowy like Dawn. At the thought of Dawn, Stacey smiled and said the silent prayer she had come up with that gave her comfort whenever Dawn crossed her mind. "Dawn is the light that will guide my way". Stacey had always believed it before this summer but now she knew it was a hollow lie she told herself. So many times she wanted to approach Claudia to tell her how sorry she was, to ask, no, beg for forgiveness but as always her courage failed her. Summer faded to fall and school began.

Stacey hadn't seen much of Terry and Shawna or Lana over the summer as they were on separate trips. Europe or Cabo or some such. But on the first day of school they where waiting for her at the top of the steps of SHS. This was their year thing2 had said. They were finally upper classmen. Let the good times roll, and Stacey felt another piece of her slip away.

Days passed and the cold with the promise of snow came early. It was on a cold day when sitting in the school cafeteria Stacey saw Claudia sitting at a table close to hers. Stacey's breath caught in her throat, the purple dashiki, which would have been ridiculous on anyone else set off Claudia skin, she seemed to almost glow with an inner light. It was then that thing 1 saw her staring at Claudia and the nightmare began to run forward. Thing 1 had made a rude comment about Claudia's outfit. In the past Stacey would have shut her up with a look, she knew how she had hurt Claudia and she had no wish to compound the injury. But today, Lana, who had always let Stacey have her way with her old friends wasn't going to let it go. She smiled her ice cold smile, it was time to toy with underlings. "I'd like it" said Lana, "if I were 10 and going trick or treating"

Stacey froze, a sick smile on her face. What was Lana doing? Her old friends were off limits and she knew it. Terry got a gleam in her eye as another comment somehow entered her head. As she leaned over to Stacey to share her fun, Claudia turned her gaze on their table. Terry said something that Stacey didn't catch. "What"? she whispered back, unable to look away from those almond eyes. Thing 1's vapidity returned and she simply laughed at Stacey's question. Stacey laughed too, "What am I doing?" Stacey silently shouted to herself, she didn't know what else to do. Stacey saw Claudia's eyes begin to smolder and grow bright with an inner fire. She watched as Claudia quickly cleaned her table and stood up, her small frame rocked ever so slightly and her long hair fell like a shimmering black water fall across her face. But then her head came up and she marched across the lunch room.

She had almost made it to the door when thing1 made another comment that Stacey couldn't understand. To Stacey's horror when the others laughed she did too, a great horse laugh born of nerves and confusion. When Claudia turned to face her, Stacey saw the tears and felt Claudia's heart break and in that moment Stacey new she had died, her body just didn't know it. Stacey wanted to stand up and rush to Claudia, take her in her arms tell her it was over, that she was sorry, she wanted to tell her all the things she had said to the dark every night while she lay in bed over the summer. But her courage failed her and before she could let out the scream her body needed to vent Mary Anne had Claudia in her arms and was leading her away. Stacey's voice screamed in her head, "Don't take her away! Don't take her away! She has to know! I have to tell her!" And then there was Kristy, standing before them looking twice her size with eyes of death. Stacey could almost hear things 1 and 2 whimper and even the Icebitch melted a bit in her chair.

Kristy turned on her heel and strode from the lunch room like an avenging angel who had decided to spare the wicked. Stacey realized that Claudia was gone, that she would be gone forever. All summer long she had fantasized that she would somehow get Claudia to listen to her. Somehow all the years that they were friends would mean something and that Claudia would forgive her. But now Claudia was gone and her courage, from a great need, flared within her. Stacey jump from her chair and rushed to the doorway. She saw Claudia standing with Mary Anne's arms wrapped tight around her. She heard Kristy's encouragement and Mary Anne's wisdom. In those few sentences they were able to tell Claudia all the things that Stacey had wanted to say all summer. Claudia was being ripped away from her and an emptiness filled Stacey's heart. When Claudia saw her standing in the doorway she had to say. . . something, anything. "Claudia, " she began but her wisp of desperate courage was crushed by Kristy's words, and Stacey knew that it was finally over. Her vanity had swallow the last bit of her.