Happy Valentine's Day! I couldn't resist revisiting the trashy couple. This is un-beta'd...mostly because I didn't feel like bothering anyone. Thanks to obsmama and twillly for pre-reading. Twillly came up with the 'hole' accident idea and termed the comb-over. Agrutle and obsmama...eat your hearts out;) Happy way early birthday to sexilexicullen...

Stephenie Meyer owns these characters and would freak out if she read this!

A continuation of Septic Love:

Ever since the night he popped her cherry, Bella had belonged to Edward. He was a loyal man, and she was more than willing to be his woman. They snuck as many intimate moments as they could, but it all depended on Charlie's schedule at the 7-eleven. It was also tricky since they had begun to use birth control. Pulling and praying tended to be a sticky situation.

Bella could only take so much love making in the septic tank truck. In fact, they hadn't done it there in months. The last time was disastrous. Edward rushed home to see Bella and didn't empty the contents of the truck. It was especially hot out and Bella was so eager to please her man, that she was holding her breath due to the terrible smell. Edward was immune to the smell of raw sewage stemming from so many years of being a pumper.

Edward was usually a two pump chump, but it just figured that the day he was taking longer to get off, Bella was even more sensitive to the smell. She held her breath the entire time and ended up passing out.

Edward was horrified, as he thought she had fallen asleep during his stellar sexual performance. He shook her, and when she didn't respond, he thought he had killed her with his massive cock. Edward grabbed a flashlight and shined it in her eyes, but she didn't wake up. He was frantic and remembered he saw an old episode of the Dukes of Hazzard where Bo slapped Luke in the face to wake him up.

Edward threw caution to wind and slapped Bella's cheek. He felt horrible about it but wasn't sure what else he should do. That did the trick and a disoriented Bella stared up at him. "Oh, baby. You saved my life. I saw the bright light! The Lord was callin' me, but I said I wasn't ready to leave this place. Oh, Edward, you're my hero."

Edward wasn't about to let her know that he had shined the light in her eyes. He much rather preferred for her to think of him as her savior.

Since then, they had to be creative and find other private places they could go to get it on. Bella's dad was still too gung ho on the wanna be cop thing, so they refused to temp his trigger finger by getting caught bumping uglies. Emmett still technically lived with her, and though he spent much of his time at Rosalie's, one never knew when he'd drop in unexpectedly. The disturbing part was that Emmett would see coitus interruptus as the highlight of his year, whereas Bella would be disgusted. It had been a frustrating few months.

Edward's trailer was like a revolving door. People just loved Esme, and honored her like the social messiah she aimed to be. Since the Cullens had the biggest trailer, she hosted every single event there was.

Though Edward's work was slowing down, Bella's was getting busier. She had gotten a job at the Forks Bowling Alley. She often worked nights which left little alone time for the happy, but horny couple. Valentines Day was quickly approaching, which brought excitement to the entire trailer park. It was the first year that the Wal-Mart was open for the holiday of love, and everyone was ready to spend their social security and welfare checks due to the massive rollbacks that were being advertised.

Edward was wracking his brain trying to come up with the perfect present for his girl. He had no idea what to get her, and was hoping she would make him a list. He was used to picking up convenience store flowers, but since Charlie worked there, he didn't think it would be appropriate. Plus, he had never felt the way he felt about Bella.

Bella's hours had been crazy since Christmas due to all of the holiday parties that were taking place at the bowling alley. Edward wasn't sure he liked the fact that she worked around drunk bowlers, but knew she didn't mind the job. He tried to hang out in the billiards room as much as possible, and on the nights he didn't, he made sure to mark her with a hickey or two. It wasn't that he didn't trust her, more that he wanted the bowlers to know she was his. He was new in town and wanted to be taken seriously as Bella's man.

It was one of those evenings, when Edward left Bella at work to do some random shopping, that an announcement was made, and he knew exactly what he had to get her. He was in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart checking to see if the hunting rifles were on clearance, when a Wal-Mart worker made the most perfect announcement over the intercom. Kid Rock was going on tour! Edward couldn't contain his excitement and squeed like a chick all by himself while eyeing the guns. It was an intensely girly reaction, and he was thankful he kept his man card by standing in the hunting section.

He couldn't help but yell out 'fuck yeah' with a fist pump, when it was announced that his special guest would be Lynnard Skynnard. He could hear shouts of joy echo throughout the supercenter.

He finished up his shopping eager to get home and find out the details. He spun out of the parking lot getting a lot of catcalls from the Wal-Mart workers who were outside smoking. They loved a man in a supped out Trans Am.

His first order of business was to drive to the library so he could get on the Internet and see when the tickets were going on sale. He also needed to find out where the closest venue was. He was nervous about entering the library and prided himself with the fact that he hadn't been to one since middle school.

Edward was surprised to see that the parking lot was packed. Who knew the place was so popular? He soon understood when he saw the line for the row of computers. Letting out a deep breath in frustration, he turned to leave bumping right into a library employee.

"Sorry darlin'," he said with a wink and a flip of his gorgeously flowing mullet.

"No problem. You new around here? I've never had you..I mean seen you," she stammered.

"Yep. My whole family moved here since septic tanks are plentiful."

"Well, I think I'd like you to suck out my tank. Things have been a bit rank, but money is tight right now. Any way to work out some sort of exchange?" she attempted to flip her hair, but the outstanding Aqua Net hold wasn't having it.

It took Edward a minute to realize that she was hitting on him. He didn't want to lead her on, but he desperately needed to use a computer.

"I do need to use a computer. Think you can help me with that, sugar? I'll see what I can do about a discount for your tank."

"Sure thing. My name's Jessica by the way. You can call me Jessie though. All my boys..I mean friends do." She was eyeing him up and down, and Edward was starting to feel a little bit like a piece of beef jerky at a hunting convention.

"So do you think you can get on your pretty little computer and check something out for me?" Edward was afraid to tell her why he desperately needed the info. He felt awkward getting gawked at like a piece of meat, but really wanted to make sure he didn't fuck up Bella's gift.

Jessie jutted out her chest and purposely leaned over her computer terminal giving Edward a VIP view of her cleavage. Maybe to other guys it would be some sort of sexy, but to him she looked like she stuffed five pounds of her goods into a three pound bag...or in this case, bra.

He told her what he wanted to know and with a few clicks of her Lee press-on nails she told him that the concert was being held a mere hour drive away. She let out a squeal when she told him that it was on Valentine's Day weekend.

"So Eddie, who you gonna take with you? I love that American bad ass." She was cracking her gum, and as she attempted to wink, her fake eyelashes came undone and were hanging by a thread...literally. Edward knew he had to tell her about his chick.

"Yeah, he's a cowboy, baby. I'm taking my girl for Valentine's Day." He felt himself break into a cheesy grin and his dick was suddenly alive with the sound of the music that was Bella.

"That's alright I guess. I've got my baby's daddy Mike to keep me busy. If you end up wantin' to hang out, you know where to find me."

All Edward could think was that parts of her were already hanging out, and he was happy if he never had to see any more of those parts again.

The tickets were going on sale the following Saturday and Edward was grateful that the Winn-Dixie had a Ticketmaster counter. The only problem was he knew there would be people camping out all night in order to get tickets. There was no way he could manage to do that without Bella finding out what he was up to. He had to figure out a way to get tickets; there was no way in hell he was going to miss out on seeing the Rock and Roll Jesus.

In the middle of the night Edward shot up out of a dead sleep with an ingenious idea. He knew exactly what to do in order to get the tickets. It was going to require the help of is livelihood. He laid back down with a smile on his face and hand on his crotch. Life was good for Edward Cullen.

()()()()

There was something about the scent of the bowling alley that helped an otherwise shy Bella Swan turn on the charm the moment she walked in. The fellas from Aro's Meat Market were more than pleased when Bella started working at the alley. It was their one night out and their team was in first place. Bella flirted perfectly and made sure that the pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon were always full, and that they had snacks galore. They termed her their good luck charm which in turn made her a lot of money in tips.

The longer she worked there, the tighter her daisy duke shorts became and the lower her personalized bowler jersey was buttoned. The tightness of her shorts had to do with all of the beer and snacks that she consumed because she didn't want to seem rude. Bella had her first case of camel toe because of the generosity of the meat men.

One evening while she was filling up their pitchers, she overheard them stressing themselves out over a new slogan. Business had been slumping a bit due to the overeager vegans, and they felt like they needed a fresh and new appearance. Bella went home that evening racking her brain trying to come up with something catchy.

She anxiously awaited the next Friday knowing it was the day their league played. Not only had she come up with a slogan, she also found a piece of cardboard and had gone to work decorating it so that she could professionally present them with their new advertising campaign.

After a couple of games of beer pong in-between bowlers, Bella was feeling confident enough to present them with their future.

"Fellas, I've been working on a little somethin' somethin' for your business." She was still a little nervous and was chewing on her lip as if it was Big League Chew.

"Alright, sweet cheeks. We've come up with zero, so let's hear it," said the captain of the bowling team and assistant manager of the butcher shop, Tyler.

Here goes nothing, Bella thought. Clearing her throat, she retrieved the hidden cardboard, took in a deep breath and presented her idea to the ever attentive team of bowlers.

"Aro's Meat Market: You May Beat Our Prices, but You Can't Beat Our Meat."

Bella stood before them fidgeting. They were silent and staring at her. Just as she was about to turn and run for the hills slow applause started and then was followed with cheers. Chants of 'Bella' filled the bowling alley. She could feel her face heating up and was so proud of herself for a successful slogan.

Tyler pulled her aside and told her it was ingenious. He was going to run it by his father, Aro. He pulled his hand back and was about to playfully smack her on the ass, until he saw Edward walking toward them from the billiards room.

Bella was grateful for Edward's timing. Not only was she not interested in anyone else smacking her ass besides him, Edward would have kicked the shit out of Tyler for touching her. She was proud of her slogan and knew she wouldn't get any credit if Tyler was left bleeding because of her alluring behind.

The following week Bella was driving to the county health department with a very pregnant Alice so she could get her food stamps. She waited in the car with Little Jazz when she heard the most fuck-awesome announcement on the radio. Kid Rock was coming in concert. If only she could get her hands on some tickets, Edward would be the happiest man alive. Bella made it her mission to surprise him with tickets for Valentine's Day. After all, it was the day of love and Edward did love him some Bob Richie.

When Alice waddled out, she told her about the concert. "Motherfucker! I've been wanting to see him forever. That man is so hot. What I wouldn't do for five minutes alone with him. There's no way we can afford to go. This baby is sucking us dry, and the little fucker isn't even here yet."

Bella felt bad for Alice and couldn't even imagine having two kids. The carnival season was over, and they had stopped traveling south due to her pregnancy. Jasper had been helping Emmett fix his derby cars for some cash, but Alice felt bad that she wasn't able to help bring in any money. Bella told her she had the rest of her life to work and watched in amazement as her little friend managed to pack a whole cheek full of chew while driving and talking.

"What, Bella? It calms my nerves. It's not like I'm smoking or anything, geez."

Bella hadn't even said a word about the fact that chewing tobacco was expensive as hell and pretty damn gross; especially when a pregnant woman was doing it.

They made it back to the park, and though it was cold outside and the trailers were buttoned up tight, you could still smell the scent of roasting venison in the air. The trailer park was well fed during hunting season.

Esme was making dinner for everyone. Rose and Emmett had just gotten back from a three day hunting trip. Emmett was still sulking because Rose, with the help of her boys, scored an eight point buck. It was going to look incredible in the Cullen's' living room.

Though Bella was excited about dinner, she was also anxious to find out about the tickets, namely how much they were. Bella had been using her bowling tips to pay off her Christmas bills. Money was tight but the Kid from Detroit Rock City was worth every penny. She knew that Charlie had access to a computer at the 7-eleven and planned to go there afterward.

The Cullen residence was decorated to the nines for Valentines Day. Bella swore that Esme still had her Christmas tree up the day before. She must have been working all night and day to pull off such a transformation. Carlisle was absent, though the sound of snoring echoed through the doublewide. He obviously took part in the decorations. Bella always strived to make a good impression on her boyfriend's family. They seemed to like her and she was pleased.

Edward sat close to his girl at dinner and as soon as it was time for desert he grabbed her hand under the table. Bella thought he was being sweetly romantic, especially when he placed it on his rock hard erection. She gasped in surprise, and as if on cue his dick twitched. It was like his cock's way of winking at her.

"Bella baby, didn't you say that we had to go to your place to help Charlie out?" Edward liked his gorgeous lips and looked at Bella with desire.

"Yep, I sure did." Both Edward and Bella knew that he would be working well into the night.

The horny lovebirds made it to the Swan's trailer in record time. Before they were even inside, Edward had his limp dick hanging out of his jeans. Once inside Bella turned to him and was a little startled by what she saw. Edward was swinging his still limp appendage in a circle as if it were a lasso.

"Edward, be careful with it. You're gonna rip it off!" Bella screamed out with anxiety.

"Take it easy, baby. This was my claim to fame back where I came from. This trick won first place in the Dick Olympics."

He continued lassoing for a bit and Bella swore it was stretching so long it looked like a piece of taffy. She could barely stand to watch and feared for her sex life. She didn't want to know what other events were featured in the Olympics Edward spoke of. She found herself picking at her split ends waiting for the entertainment to stop.

"Ow, fuck," she exclaimed as something smacked her in the back.

"Sorry hun, sometimes the snake gets a little out of control. Settle down you crazy animal." He was now talking to his 'snake' and the more he caressed it, the bigger it got. Bella forgot about her split ends and stared in awe as the 'snake' grew into its skin.

She dropped her pants leaving them pooled around her ankles and shuffled over to the end table. Bella looked at her hot hunk of a man, and at his mighty python, and licked her lips seductively. She motioned for him to come toward her with her pointer finger.

"Baby, your snake needs to slide back into its' hole."

Edward sauntered over and pushed Bella forward so that her hands were on the table. He grabbed her hips and lined up behind her. He attempted to simply just stick it in but was met with a bit of resistance due to the lack of foreplay. He wondered how she wasn't dripping wet after his Olympic performance.

He got on his knees and started licking her slit like it was a can of Spam. His girl was moaning in delight, as he continued to munch on her goods. He stood up and pushed himself into his lady. He began to pound into her, and if one didn't know better they might have thought he was having a seizure. He felt himself close to exploding and reached in front of her to rub her nub.

Bella moaned out in pleasure and knew she better let herself succumb to the feelings of ecstasy before Edward finished.

Her moans egged him on and his movements became even more feverish. He pulled all the way out of her sweet hole and rammed his love stick back in. Bella yelped and clenched down on his dick. He had never felt something so tight. She suddenly moved away from him and then turned around and punched him in the stomach.

"Ow, baby. Sup?"

"Fuck, Edward. You just stuck it in my asshole. That there's an exit only," she said as she pointed to her exit sign. "Fucking Emmett. Did that bastard make you watch the porno bloopers too?"

"What? No, I swear! Shit, sorry. I mean, um, sorry." Edward did not want to think about shit at a time like that. He snuck a peek at his pecker to make sure it was free of the nasty substance that he was so used to seeing at work. Bella leaned herself against the awesome velvet recliner that was Charlie's pride and joy. There was no way she was bending back over. "Baby, please let me bust a nut." Edward gazed at her lovingly.

She obliged, and Edward spread her legs open and wrapped them around his waist. He looked her in the eyes and entered the right hole. He moved fast and steady until he knew he was close to the finish line. Bella was yanking on his hair and scratching his back. He loved when a woman was rough. He thought about her punch and it was enough to send him over the edge.

"Who's the man? That's right, I'm the man. I'm the fucking man!" Edward pulled out and spurted his love all over the side of Charlie's recliner. "Oops. Bella, you better clean that up. I wouldn't want Charlie to get jealous of my awesomeness."

Bella snorted and knew that Charlie would kill Edward if he knew his recliner had been tainted with love juice.

()()()()

The day had arrived. The Kid Rock tickets were going on sale. Edward was on the move in his pumper truck with his plan set in stone. The Cullen's had the contract with the greasy spoon that was next to the grocery store. Their grease trap needed cleaned every few months and what better of a day to do it? Edward chuckled to himself when he pulled up in front and noticed the line that wrapped around the building. He was so glad he didn't wait in it like those losers.

He uncovered the trap and patiently waited until a quarter till ten to accidentally on purpose hit reverse on his hose. Instead of sucking the grease out, waste from inside the tank of the truck poured out. It only took a minute for him to hear the grumblings of those in line.

The raw sewage started running down the pavement, and he could see mass chaos erupting. He shut off the hose and calmly walked to the entrance placing cones around the contaminated area. Before anyone could give him shit, pun intended, he started rambling on about the importance of getting your systems taken care of regularly. It was a win win situation. Once the smell overpowered the area, he was sure to gain some business.

He walked into the store and right up to the Ticketmaster counter at precisely ten o'clock. Edward held in a smug smile, as he walked out with two incredible tickets. It was only then that the others realized it was after ten and stopped staring at the sewage long enough to go get their own tickets.

Edward walked to the truck, and as he was leaning over to reverse the gauge, he noticed something sparkling amongst the foul liquid. He secured his mask and leaned over to take a closer look. He couldn't believe his eyes and his luck. He reached down and pulled out a diamond ring. Wiping it off on his shirt, he was taken back by the beautiful sparkle of a marquee diamond that had to be at least a half of a karat, set in yellow gold.

He realized that the concert was now just an added bonus for Bella, her perfect gift, though a bit smelly, was held in the palm of his hand.

()()()()

Bella was working hard for her money at the bowling alley. Her boss begged her to do some dishes in the kitchen much to her dismay. She cranked up the radio counting down the dishes until she was finished. Just as she was about to walk away from the sink, K-Rock announced that they were giving away two tickets to the Kid Rock concert to the sixty-ninth caller.

Bella giggled when they said 'sixty-nine' and ran her scantily clad ass to the phone. She was so nervous when she tried to dial, that she screwed up the numbers. She tried again and crossed her fingers and toes, as she waited for someone to answer.

"This is Felix at K-Rock. Congratulations you're the sixty-ninth caller!"

"Hells yeah," Bella exclaimed.

The entire bowling alley gathered around her trying to be her new BFF when they found out what she had won. She assured them that the other ticket was spoken for, and suddenly she wasn't so popular. As she was about to leave, she heard her name being called and turned around to see Tyler.

"Hey Bella, you seem like a pretty smart broad with a good head on your shoulders. You even have a high school diploma. My old man wants to know if you want a job. He loved the slogan, and said he has to have you. He said to tell you that you would help with the books, advertising and answering the phones. If things get slow you'll measure his sausage, plump his rump roasts, price his tube steak, and pull the skin taut on his wieners. You'd be working days, and he said he'd pay you more than you're making here."

"How soon can I start?" Bella was having a fantastic day.

Bella went home in an incredible mood. She hoped Edward would be supportive of her new job with the meat men. She certainly wasn't going to beat their meat, and for that she was sure he'd be thankful.

()()()()

It was Thursday; the day of love had finally arrived. There was so much love floating through the Forks Trailer Park you could almost smell it. Everyone seemed to be paired up. Alice and Jasper hooked Riley up with a carnie that they brought home, and Charlie had been sneaking romps with a fellow 7-eleven worker during their breaks. Edward finished pumping early and hurried home to clean up. He couldn't wait to give Bella her gift. He was super relieved to find out that she didn't have to work at the bowling alley on Saturday which was the night of the concert.

Bella was excited to give Edward his gift. She rushed home from the meat market and jumped in the shower. She needed to wash the smell of beef off of her body. She decided to give Edward yet another surprise, as she started to groom her pubes into the shape of a heart. She looked in the mirror and was pleased. It was a little crooked, so she matted some of the hair down with gel to cover her mistake. Once the gel set, you could definitely tell it was a Valentine. She covered up the comb-over heart shaped bush with some skimpy red panties and reveled in her sexiness.

She threw some chicken wings into the deep fryer and continued to ready herself for Edward. Once her hair was curled and her makeup was on, she stuck two beer mugs into the freezer and doused herself with body spray. After dressing in her favorite stretch pants and a dressy shirt, she blotted her lip gloss on a tissue and set the table.

When Edward walked in, Bella ran to him and jumped up in a straddling hug. They French kissed until her lip gloss was spread all over his face. It was if they hadn't seen each other in weeks instead of just hours.

"Happy Valentine's Day you hot little piece of ass." Edward grabbed onto Bella's hot ass for emphasis.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you, stud."

The beep of the deep fryer put an end to their affections. They ate their wings and sipped their beer from the frosted mugs. It really was a special evening. They moved to the family room once they were finished in the kitchen.

Bella took her seat upon Edward's lap where they exchanged the gift of sucker bites before the actual gifts they picked out for each other. Edward was anxious to give Bella her gift. He pulled out an envelope, and she did the same. They decided to open them at the same time.

They both tore the respective envelopes open carefully and nervously snuck glances at each other. Bella let out a gasp when she realized that they had given each other the same thing.

"Goddamn, Bella. This is the best gift anyone has ever given me. I love you, darlin'."

"Edward, these seats rock! You had to do a lot of pumping to buy these bad boys."

They decided to give the other two tickets to Alice and Jasper for their last hurrah before baby number two. Edward couldn't wait to give Bella the gift of himself, when he proposed at the concert. The ring had cleaned up nicely and was at the jewelers getting the inscription changed to something more fitting than 'Rob & Kristen forever'. It wasn't Edward's fault that the ring had gotten flushed down the toilet.

Edward unbuttoned Bella's pants and was amazed at the perfection he saw. "Bella, you have my heart, now can I have yours?" He waggled his eyebrows, as he stared at her heart shaped snatch.

She nodded at him seductively, "Eat your heart out, baby."

After spending the remainder of the evening showing each other just how much they appreciated one another; they were sure that they were meant to be.

It was the best Valentine's Day that either one of them had ever experienced. They were in love with each other and Kid Rock. It was sure to be a fuck-awesome weekend.