Hera was slightly frustrated at how the mission had gone, but was relieved at Sabine and Ezra being safe. Gardulla the Hutt was not someone to take from lightly, and if Hera wasn't extremely confident in Sabine and Ezra's abilities as her crew, she wouldn't have sent them. That knowledge still didn't help Kanan or her try to cope with the frustration of having two crew members out. Zeb had cooped himself up in his room, like usual, a plate of space-waffles nearby.
"Love, will you stop pacing." Hera glanced at Kanan from her cup of caf. He was walking back and forth, like a caged bantha. "It won't get Ezra and Sabine back any faster."
Kanan sighed deeply. "I know. I just can't help but worry about them. What if Ezra forgets something?"
"Then Sabine will help him remember whatever it is he forgot." Hera smiled, trying to get Kanan to cheer up. She had seen these types of people back on Ryloth, before the thing she doesn't think about happened. They needed support, especially someone like Kanan; all he could do was worry.
Hera didn't remember much of Ryloth. What she did remember, she almost wished she could forget. Her mother's death, trying to defend Hera, her uncles' grief at all they lost, and the slave ships the Republic would never stop. She had grown up on legends of the Jedi. When she first met a real Jedi, all she did was give Hera excuses on why they couldn't save her younger brother, who was still trapped in slavery. He was why she left Ryloth, and why she fought today.
"I still could've helped them somehow!" Kanan continued pacing slightly faster now.
"Yes, but you are too big to slip in through the airvents. Sabine could hardly fit through it as it was." Hera reminded Kanan of why they couldn't tag along. Especially not Zeb. Hera suppressed a smile at seeing Zeb trying to crawl through an airvent. He'd probably get stuck and have to call out about him being the last of his village. (At least the last free being, but that was another thing Hera didn't think about.)
"I know Hera. I just can't help but worry."
"Master's responsibility?"
"Well... wait I'm... I'm not Ezra's master! He can do what he wants to do. I'm just teaching him how to use some of his force abilities since the Jedi would never do it. I'm still not a Jedi. I left the order, remember?"
"Well, based on what I know of you, Kanan Jarrus, if you aren't a Jedi, then they must a bunch of fools." Humour was the best way to defuse a situation like this. When sentients laughed, their doubts and insecurities would often run down a tiny bit. Not much, but it was a start. Especially for a person like Kanan. She loved him, but he could be irritating at times. Especially with his constant insistence that he was not training Ezra to be a Jedi. Hera bet that if they ever had a Jedi who was part of the order come on the Ghost, (which she was sure Kanan would never let happen) Hera was sure that they would call Kanan Ezra's Jedi master.
Hera took a deep sip of her caf. She absolutely despised its smell, but she wasn't going to get any sleep until Ezra and Sabine were back. And it was either with caf, meaning she could function normally, or her body wouldn't be tired and she would be more worried than a schutta trapped in a herd of gutkurrs. "Why don't you meditate?" Hera suggested, "that usually calms you down."
"Fine." Kanan stalked off towards his room, his footsteps disappearing once the door was closed.
One problem out of the way, Hera could focus again on worrying about Sabine and Ezra and how much she would kill them for making her feel this way.
Kanan will be the first to admit he hasn't been the best person in his life. When he was still Caleb Dume, he might have been, but that had all changed after what happened so many years ago. Kanan still couldn't see how Hera thought of him as a Jedi. Yes, he was teaching Ezra how to use the force, a tiny bit, but that didn't mean he would ever be a Jedi again. There were other, more qualified Jedi to do the whole 'lightsaber thing' around. Jedi who weren't complete and total cowards. (Jedi who weren't going around freeing outer rim slaves and probably never gave a thought of it in their rich core-worlder lives, but that thought never left Kanan's subconscious mind.)
Kanan convinced himself that he still only practiced meditation with the force since it was to only way he could convince himself Ezra was safe and sound (through a Master/Padawan bond, the part of him that was still Caleb Dume insisted.) Kanan sat on the back of his legs, straightening his posture, like Master Yoda had always told them to. Closing his eyes, Kanan slipped into the force.
Emotion, yet peace.
Kanan slipped deeper into the bright light of the force.
Ezra.
It was almost blinding, the force being was as bright as a supernova.
Ezra?
The powerful mind brushed up against Kanan's mind.
Who are you?
Kanan didn't know how to respond to that. Who was that voice? Why was it familiar to Caleb?
I am a Jedi. Who are you?
The mind felt familiar. Force users could recognize each other in the force. A presence felt so long ago, or only yesterday.
Several other younglings were playing a game. Kanan couldn't remember its name. They were all chasing around a ball, when one of the children happened to touch it. He was immediately on the floor, curled into a ball. Caleb ran to him, trying to help him.
"Oof. I'm fine I'm fine." The boy had a yellow tattoo on his face.
"What happened?" Caleb asked, outstretching a hand, helping the boy up.
"Psychometry. Runs in my family, apparently." Caleb was immediately filled with a million questions. "What's your name?"
"Caleb Dume."
"Hey! My name is..." a comlink beeped, causing the boy to jump. "Oh, sorry. I have to go. See ya?"
"See you." Caleb never saw the boy again.
Kanan jolted out of the memory.
Caleb? You're alive? I thought- everyone thinks you're dead.
Caleb is dead, Kanan replied. I'm only what remains.
Caleb, or whatever you call yourself now, you can come back. No one blames you for Kaller. I'll answer those questions you mentioned.
I haven't exactly been a model Jedi. Kanan laughed inside his head.
And yet, you have a padawan.
Kanan froze.
He still needs to learn shielding. I'd vouch for him, I can tell he's quite power-
Stay away from me and Ezra, Kanan hissed, The Jedi don't need me.
Kanan forced himself awake. The small imprint Quinlan had left on his mind was still there. It needed to get out. As Caleb Dume, Jedi Padawan, it would've been accepted. But Kanan was not Caleb. They may share the same body, but Caleb was a Jedi, Kanan only embraced the parts of the force he needed to keep alive, and to train Ezra. He only even touched his lightsaber when training Ezra. (But is that enough? Ezra is powerful. Maybe he needed to open the holocron again.)
(The Jedi could help. Kaller wasn't his fault.)
(Sure, Kanan's had some 'missteps' but he was doing more to help the outer rim then any Jedi.)
("Run!" Caleb's master screamed. They were surrounded on all sides.
"Now, Jedi," he spat, "you will die!"
His master activated her lightsaber, slicing down several of their assailants, but more kept coming. But then Caleb could do what he has always done as Kanan since. Run.)
Kanan shut the voices in his head out. All Kanan needed was sleep.
Meditation was for Caleb, anyway.
Beta reading done by Kyber13, thank you!
