A LIFE WITH TRAUMA

Pvt. Anders was now in her tent. Pvt. Duvall was sleeping. Pvt. Anders took out a small flashlight and a book which she had found a few days earlier. She pulled a sheet over her head and began reading. The more she read, the more she became engaged in the story. It was about a woman named Selene who was being hunted because she was a vampire. It took place in the early 1800's in the southeastern United States.

Selene was not an evil woman and tried to live her life normally, at least at night. The hunters would pursue her each night, but Selene managed to get away. She had to constantly live in fear, without hope, and without love. Despite many stories about vampires, Selene did not live off blood from victims. She ate and drank normally, collecting her food during the day in disguise, which was a cloak and hood. The fangs were easily concealed; she could retract them at will.

As Pvt. Anders read the story, she felt sympathetic towards Selene. She would forget that it was just a story, and become irritated. It was like Selene was right there beside her, crying in sorrow over the way people treated her. Pvt. Anders would have to stop reading to let the anger sink in. Then, she read more.

Selene ran into the woods with the townsfolk and hunters chasing after her. She knew she was surrounded and there was no way out. They made her out to be a demon, a monster. Selene leaned against a tree, watching the flickering of the torches. She knew there was only one way out. There was no longer a choice for her, she had to become the killer everyone assumed she was.

Pvt. Anders read about the moment Selene became a killer. This brought a smile to her face. She read about the gruesome ways in which she killed, using her fangs to bite into their flesh, decapitations, and burning them with their torches. Pvt. Anders looked upon Selene as a hero. Selene was invincible. She wanted to carry on her legacy. She closed the book and turned off her light. She laid in bed thinking about the story as she drifted off to sleep.

Her sleep was not met without interruption. She had horrid memories of her physical abuse as she tossed and turned. In her nightmare, she was on the floor. As her father approached her, she looked up at him and suddenly turned into a vampire. Her fangs showed as she got up and rushed towards him. She bit his neck, killing him slowly. Pvt. Anders suddenly woke up and felt her teeth and felt no fangs. While it was still night outside, she once again drifted back to sleep, this time with a smile on her face.

The next day, Pvt. Anders and the rest of her squadron were about to head back to Camp McCarran. She looked around for Veronica, but she was nowhere to be seen. She stood still by the bridge, hoping to see Veronica. Lt. Boyd approached her from behind.

"Get a move on, Anders!" She said.

She was not startled by her, just irritated. She turned around with an angry look on her face.

"You better wipe that look off your face!" Lt. Boyd said.

Pvt. Anders had a half smile on her face and walked right past her. Lt. Boyd was visibly upset and stormed after her as they walked down the road.

"What is your problem?" Lt. Boyd asked.

"I don't have a problem," Pvt. Anders said.

"You need to get it together."

"I will, sooner than you think."

Back at Camp McCarran, Pvt. Anders was looking in the mirror. She opened her mouth and then closed it. She had to fulfill her fantasy of becoming a vampire. She needed a pair of fangs and more importantly, needed to get out of this life. Veronica seemed like a good companion and seemed to be on board with her ideology. She sat at her desk and drew a picture of vampire fangs in her notebook. She was not a good artist, but it was enough to satisfy her. Then, she used a red pen to draw blood dripping from the fangs. She turned the page and began to draw a picture of herself in a black hooded robe. Her long red hair was sticking out and blood ran down her mouth to her chin and onto her neck.

Pvt. Anders was now outside walking around on what used to be the parking lot. She saw new recruits training nearby. Both were men who had trouble hitting their targets. She kept thinking about Veronica, wondering where she was and if she will ever see her again. Then, Lt. Boyd approached her.

"Anders!" She said.

She turned around.

"Yes ma'am," Pvt. Anders said while saluting with apathy.

"You are to see Colonel Hsu, pronto."

Lt. Boyd walked past her. Pvt. Anders walked towards Col. Hsu's office which was located inside the terminal building. She walked through the large empty space of the terminal. There were old slot machines that were lined in rows, an old baggage check in, and there were two escalators on both sides. It was hard for her to believe that there were once many people that walked through the terminal. There were a few NCR troopers inside, but it was still eerily quiet. She walked up to Col. Hsu's door which was open. He was sitting down at his desk, looking at a device that appeared to go around a wrist. He looked up at her. He was dressed well in his NCR uniform and was Asian-American, in his early forties, and had short black hair.

"Sir! You wanted to see me?" Pvt. Anders said as she stood at attention.

This time, she spoke with more enthusiasm.

"Yes, have a seat," he said.

She sat down across from him. He put the device on the desk.

"See this here?" Col. Hsu said, "It came off a dead scavenger in Freeside. It's like a GPS, a map of some sort."

She knew he did not call her in his office to hear about that. She was nervous.

"Is everything okay?" He asked. "I want you to tell me. The report from Lt. Boyd suggests you may have a problem."

"To be honest sir…I do," she said, "I have dreams…nightmares."

"Is it PTSD? Was it the war?"

"No sir, it happened before that."

"Look, I hate to go into your private life, but I only want to help you. The NCR needs you to perform at your best. You are an excellent sharpshooter, an excellent combatant, but from what I hear, you are having a hard time following orders. You seem like you don't want to be here."

Col Hsu was right about her. However, she did not want to tell him.

"I've been thinking about my childhood back in Nipton lately," Pvt. Anders said, "My father used to hit me when I disobeyed him. When I smell alcohol, especially whiskey, I get a flashback of the incident. I hate that smell. I hate it. I feel like going crazy sometimes."

"I'm sorry to hear that and I hope we can find a solution to your problems. I want you to go see Dr. Usanagi. You know where that is right?"

"Yes sir."

"Don't worry, the roads will be safe. Soldiers have the place secured. I'm also pulling you from active duty until I feel you're ready to return."

Pvt. Anders felt relived.

"When you get back, I want you to train those two recruits out there. Teach them how to shoot before they kill themselves. Also, teach them a thing or two about hand to hand combat."

"Yes sir."

"Dismissed."

As Pvt. Anders walked down the road towards the clinic, while armed with a sniper rifle, she thought about wanting a life as a vampire. She could walk away now, but had no resources or nowhere else to go. She passed groups of NCR soldiers, farms, piles of concrete rubble, and rundown buildings. The citizens around the area were living free from harm due to the protection of the NCR. The people of New Vegas were once again able to live their lives without fear. Pvt. Anders saw children playing, and happy couples sitting in their backyard. This, however, did not bring a smile to her face. Then, she saw a torn billboard advertisement for Olde Royale whiskey. She stopped walking and had a flashback of her father. Her head spun as she tried to make the images disappear. Then, she saw her father standing in front of her for a brief second. She looked up at the moon which was visible in the daylight and slowly calmed down. Before she began walking again, she drank from her canteen. It was clear now that she needed help.

She walked into the New Vegas Medical Clinic. It was kept neat and clean, unlike many of the buildings she had been in. Then, Dr. Usanagi walked up to the counter. She was an Asian-American with long black hair in a ponytail and had on a white coat. She was accompanied by two bodyguards who clearly were not NCR. They had on black clothing and each wore metal chest protectors.

"Hello, soldier, how may I help you?" Dr. Usanagi asked.

"Okay, I guess," Pvt. Anders replied, "Col. Hsu sent me to see you."

"I see. I'm Dr. Usanagi, and you are?"

"Private Deborah Anders."

"Okay Deborah, follow me."

Pvt. Anders followed her down the hall. She had forgotten how long it had been since someone called her by her first name. She passed rooms that had patients laying on the beds, an empty classroom, and a patient getting an injection from one of the doctors. Dr. Usanagi led her into a room which did not look like the other rooms. There was a chaise lounge, paintings on the wall, and a bookcase with numerous books.

"Please lay down," Dr. Usanagi said, "You can place your rifle on the counter."

She put her sniper rifle on the counter and laid on the chaise lounge.

"I understand you have been experiencing psychological trauma," Dr. Usanagi said, "It has been affecting your combative duties."

Pvt. Anders stared at the white ceiling. Her mind became clouded with her past abuse, the other soldiers mocking her, and her father.

"Deborah, please," Dr. Usanagi continued, "I need your cooperation."

"I…I've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately," Pvt. Anders told her, "My father…he used to hit me."

"And why is that?"

"I used to read books I shouldn't of. He thought they were satanic. They weren't, they were just stories. He was a religious man. He always wanted me to be religious as well but I never believed in it."

"A victim of child abuse. How often do you think about it?"

"Everyday. When I started reading these books I read as a child, I had flashbacks of him."

"So, you reading the books he disapproved of is causing this to happen. Are you happy with life in the NCR?"

"No."

"And these books, are they fantasies of yours?"

"Yes."

"You want to be in the fantasy world and not face reality."

"Sounds crazy, huh?"

"No, not at all. In fact, I believe everyone wants to live in a fantasy world, especially now, with the way the world is. You are not alone."

"The whiskey…when I smell whiskey, it brings back terrible memories. I see him, he speaks to me, he yells at me."

Dr. Usanagi could tell Pvt. Anders was becoming enraged.

"Deborah, please calm down," she said.

"That damn smell…that God damn smell!" Pvt. Anders shouted, "I hate him! I WANT TO KILL HIM!"

"Deborah!"

Then, two guards came into the room and held Pvt. Anders down. She struggled, but they tied her to the chaise lounge with two leather straps. Pvt. Anders was in a lost state of mind.

"He's back home, drinking," Pvt. Anders continued, "I'm going to kill him. Everyone who mocks me, they will pay with their lives."

Dr. Usanagi kept calm as Pvt. Anders let off steam. The guards stood nearby. Pvt. Anders tried to break free.

"I hate this world," Pvt. Anders said.

"Deborah," Dr. Usanagi said, "What is your deepest desire? What kind of life do you want to live?"

Pvt. Anders turned to her with an evil stare and then smiled.

"I want…independence…freedom. I don't want to be tied down by another organizations law. I want people to fear me. I want them to be unable to sleep…to dream. It will be my world, my rules."

Dr. Usanagi thought Pvt. Anders was saying this due to anger. Pvt. Anders was stated what she truly wanted in life.

"A vampire," Pvt. Anders said.

Dr. Usanagi had no reaction.

"I want fangs, to rule the night."

Dr. Usanagi looked at the two guards.

"Please, leave me alone with her," she said to them.

They left the room.

"Deborah, listen to me, my goal is to help people. I only want what's best for them…and I can help you. I understand you now."

Pvt. Anders looked at her with an evil stare.

"So, you wish is to be a vampire," Dr. Usanagi said, "Is it because you rebel against your father? Or is it because you truly want to be one."

"It's a childhood dream," Pvt. Anders replied.