Chapter 2: Realizations... and More Pain
Elliot awoke in a cold sweat. The dark memories washed back over him like black waves bashing him against shore rocks, and he felt his heart drop to his feet heavily. This dream had tortured him ever since her, and it was mentally tearing him apart. He barely had the energy to get out of bed.
He closed his eyes again, savoring the last bittersweet memories of the dream, hoping he would fall back asleep and once again be with Olivia. His Olivia. But he was rudely reawakened by the sound of his cellphone ringing.
"Stabler," he answered in his unchanging tone.
"Just checking up, Elliot," Captain Cragen replied. "How are you?"
"Fine," Elliot snapped, feeling suddenly irritable. Why did the captain have to interrupt his dreaming so rudely? "What do you want?"
"I wanted to know if you were feeling well enough to come in today?" Cragen replied.
"Sure," Elliot replied. "I'll be there in an hour or so."
"See you then," Cragen sighed.
Elliot didn't bother replying before he hung up and pulled on a pair of jeans. Soon he found himself arriving at the precinct, feeling absolutely no emotion. As soon as he went into the squad room Doctor George Huang pulled him aside.
"Elliot," he said softly, "have you been feeling okay?"
"Fine," Elliot snapped. "I have to get back to work."
"Cragen wants me to evaluate you," George told him. "He wants to make sure you're okay to work."
"I'm on desk duty," Elliot snapped, heading to his desk. "I gave Cragen my gun already. I don't trust myself with it yet."
"That's good," George smiled. "Elliot are you depressed?"
"What's it to you?"
"It's important. Have you been feeling low energy? Possibly headaches or unexplainable aching pains?"
"No."
"You can't lie to me, Elliot. I'm a psychiatrist. I can see right through you."
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
"Fine. I feel empty. Torn. My whole world has fallen apart. I don't have anyone left to lean on. I'm hurt."
"Come with me."
George led him to the interrogation room and closed to the door behind him.
"Alright Elliot, I'm talking to you now as your doctor. Nothing you say will ever leave this room. Now I want you to talk to me."
"About what?"
"Olivia."
Elliot hesitated, and his thoughts wandered back to the dream. That awful dream...
"Elliot," George interrupted. "Please. Tell me how you feel about her. How you felt about her."
"You wanna know?" Elliot asked. "Fine. She was more than my partner- we were equals. Inseparable puzzle pieces that matched together perfectly in every way. We always knew what the other was thinking, even before they did. On the field, we were always in perfect synch. I will never have that again with anybody."
"Were you ever intimate?" George asked.
"No," Elliot glared at him. "We would never cross the line like that."
"But you wish you had."
"There were a lot of things I wish I had done. It doesn't matter anymore."
"Your feelings do matter. Did you ever confess your feelings?"
"Right before she died," Elliot sniffed. "She was laying in my arms, dying, and her last words to me were 'I love you, Elliot'."
"And your last words to her?"
"I chose you."
"You had to make a choice? Between Kathy and Olivia?"
"Kathy was being obnoxious, and she wanted to know if I still loved her."
"Did you?"
"In a way, yes, but not like I used to."
"I see. So you and Olivia were never an official couple?"
"No."
"I see."
George got up and headed for the door.
"I think you should take a few days off, Elliot," he told El as his hand rests on the door handle. "I'm requesting that Cragen put you on medical leave. I don't think you're fit for work yet. But I promise, nothing you've just said will ever be passed on."
Elliot just sat there, feeling numb. George continued to walk into Cragen's office, closing the door behind him.
"Wow is he?" the captain asked, looking up from his paperwork?
"He's depressed," Huang replied with a sigh. "Losing his partner has taken a great toll on him. I'm requesting you put him on medical leave, just until he feels he's well enough to continue working."
"Okay," Cragen sighed. "It's been a slow week anyway. I'll send him home."
"No need, Captain," Elliot told him, peeking in the door. "I'm heading out anyway."
Elliot headed out, and Cragen turned back to Huang.
"We're planning Liv's funeral," the captain told him. "Elliot knew her best. Do you think he's up for it?"
"I think it will be fine," George sighed. "I'll talk to him about what he wants."
"It'll be a closed-casket ceremony," Cragen told him. "For everyone's sake. I don't think any of us will be able to take seeing her so lifeless like that."
"Understood," George replied. "I'm sure it will be fine anyway."
