Characters: Iruka, Kakashi, Genma, Raido, Asuma, Gai (Kaka/Iru, Gen/Iru, Rai/Gen, Asuma/'baccy)
Story Summery:
Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with
no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness,
while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his
affections. Meanwhile, Raido tries to distract Genma, and Asuma spirals
down the unpredictable world of tobacco withdrawl. And where is Gai?
Notes: I still dedicate this ficness to mah friend amoralambiguity from LiveJournal And yes, it is unbeta'd and full of errors, so please don't take this story seriously (I know I don't! XD) WARNING! This story is full of stoopidness and is chock full of yoainess, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Flames will only be pointed and laughed at for my own amusement, so don't bother.
Ch. 2 Rock Lobster
Umino Iruka awoke the next day feeling sick. He had guessed right on predicting Raido serving seaweed and coconut soup for dinner last night, and it had not settled well with him.
With some effort, Iruka rolled out from hammock and slipped on his green vest. Looking out the window, he saw the beach was bright with sunlight, and undoubtably very hot. A cool breeze blew in from the ocean, which did wonders to make him feel better.
Iruka breathed in the salty ocean air, enjoying the refreshing qualities brought with it. 'Its my turn to cook tonight. I'm sick of coconuts and seaweed. I wants something more...meaty.' He watched the crystal blue waves crash on the ocean beach for several minutes as he reasoned a way to satisfy his craving, then he smiled. "I'll go diving for shellfish!"
By midmorning, the rest of the Konoha shinobi were out and about to start the new day. Unfortunately for Asuma, it was going to be one long and very trying day.
At the moment, he was trying Kakashi's patience as he continued his ten minute rant about the lack of tobacco growing on the island that they were trapped on.
"Its no use Kakashi!" Asuma waggled his arms in despair. "I've tried to roll every green thing on this accursed island, and nothing will satisfy my fix!"
"Did you try the leftover seaweed soup?" Kakashi suggested in a borderline-irritated voice. He wanted to get away from Asuma and continue on his morning beach stroll searching for pelicans, but was afraid that the big Jounin would follow him.
"I used it all, and it didn't work either!" Asuma tried vainly to suck on a burning seaweed cigar, and tossed it away in anger. He glanced over to Kakashi with fevered pupil-dilated eyes. "I haven't had a 'baccy crisis like this in years! If I don't get my baccy soon, baaaaad things will happen, mark my words!"
"Uh huh..." Kakashi suddenly felt the need to continue his pelican watching hobby a good distance away from Asuma. "You keep trying with those cigars. Just don't try to swallow any of them, alright?" With that said, Kakashi shot down the beach to make his escape.
Asuma clasped his huge arms around himself as he rocked back and forth in his seat. "Mark my words!" He muttered to himself. "Baaaaad things are gonna happen!"
Not too far from where Asuma brooded, Genma sat cross-legged in the sand. pouting and feeling very sorry for himself. "I wonder where Iruka has gone off to?" Genma sighed mournfully. "I haven't seen him all morning! I was hoping that he might take a shower with me under the waterfall. Ah, what a wasted opportunity... "
Raido sat nearby Genma, and was determined once and for all to seduce the senbon chewer with his wily charms. "You know..." his voice dropped to a sultry growl. "I can take a pretty good shower myself!" He smiled a cocky smile at Genma, who was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice. This did not deter the persistent Raido. "And after every shower..." he continued, "I especially like to rub coconut oil all over myself to keep my skin all nice and soft." He pulled out a small bottle of the oil from his pocket and poured the gooey substance over his bare chest. He slowly began to rub the goop in what he hoped was a sensual manner.
Trapped within his own bubble of misery, Genma was unaware of Raido's lubing ritual until the coconutty smell reached his well trimmed nose hairs. "Phwah!" He cried, turning away from Raido with his nose pinched between two fingers. "You gotta lay off those coconuts man! Those things are reeking through your skin like garlic!"
"B-but–" Raido looked down at his sticky chest. "I like the smell of coconuts! What's wrong with it?"
Genma did not answer. At that precise moment when he had turned away from Raido, he had spotted Iruka walk by in the far distance.
An-almost-naked-if-it-weren't-for-his-light-blue-boxers-Iruka.
"HOT DAMN!" Genma shot off like a rocket after the scantily clad Chuunin, leaving Raido to fume over the intervention and at Genma's denseness.
Having just escaped the clutches of Asuma's rantings, Kakashi spotted Genma streak down the beach. Realizing what he was after, the one eyed Jounin took off with lightning speed to cut his rival off from his prey.
Unfortunately, Genma was a fast sprinter. Running alongside Kakashi, he tried to knock the other Jounin down. "You dirty sneak!" he snarled. "How in the hell did you get him to take off all those clothes?"
"It wasn't me!" Kakashi tried to elbow Genma back. "I haven't even seen him all morning. He must have done it on his own!"
"Shhh! Act naturally!" Genma hissed as they dug their heels into the sand to keep from crashing into the oblivious Iruka.
Iruka had his back towards the two Jounin as he gathered fist sized rocks into a basket, all the while humming a happy tune to himself. Happily, that is until he turned to nearly collide with both Genma and Kakashi.
With an undignified squawk, he leaped away with the basket of rocks still clutched in his hands. "W-w-what do you want?" He demanded in a voice rising into a shriek, he did not enjoy the feeling of being snuck up upon by strange ninjas.
"What are you doing?" Kakashi inquired, skipping the formality of explaining themselves. "And what do you intend to do with those?" Kakashi pointed to the basket of smooth rocks.
"I'm going to collect shellfish with the raft I made a few days ago." Iruka gestured to the driftwood raft beached on the sand with his chin. As he spoke, he began to slowly step away from the Jounin to get them out of his personal bubble space. "As for these rocks, I'm going to use them as weights to help me dive faster. It's a common technique used by sea divers foraging for food."
"Oh my Giddy Aunt!" Genma, (who up to this point, had been quietly leering at Iruka's newly exposed nipples) let out a cry and clasped his face in horror. "You intend to brave the deep dark depths of the ocean...ALONE?"
"Um...is there a reason why I shouldn't be?" Iruka cautiously asked, a little unnerved.
Kakashi raised an inquiring eyebrow at the Chuunin. "You mean they didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Iruka was beginning to get irritated. "What's so dangerous out there?"
Genma's eyes cast about wildly, then he lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper, "Rock Lobsters."
"A what?" Iruka's eye began to twitch again.
"Yes, the dreaded ROCK LOBSTERS!" Genma bellowed in triumph, now marveling in the marvel that was his cleverness.
"Very deadly crustaceans, mind you." Kakashi added, nodding sagely. "They especially like to sleep under docks, near rocks."
Iruka tilted his head to one side in thought. "That sounds like a name of a song that I once heard..."
"No it isn't!" Genma hastily cut in. "Those things have the ability to pinch an entire man in half with a single claw! In light of this potential danger, I insist that I accompany you!"
"Er, that's awfully generous of you Genma-san..." Iruka hugged the basket of rocks protectively, and continued to back away. "But I really don't–"
"I must come as well!" Kakashi declared, shoving Genma out of the way. "In the case that the two of you are in mortal danger, I shall be present to save you, Iruka-sensei!"
"Hey waitaminute!" Genma roughly shoved Kakashi back. "Do you intend to leave me out of your rescue plan?"
"I might if you keep pushing me!" Kakashi growled and knocked Genma to the ground. Being a skilled ninja, Genma wrapped a leg around the back of Kakashi's knee to bring him along with the fall. Once they hit the sand, their fight erupted into a giant dustball 'o chaos, with lots of angry curses and the occasional arm or leg popping out as both Jounin tried to clobber each other senseless.
Iruka chose this opportunity to quietly slip away from the squabble and make his way to his raft.
Both Kakashi and Genma paused in mid-punch once they realized that the object of their desire was now a good distance out in the sea. Hastily, they struggled down to their boxers (with Kakashi leaving his mask on) and scrambled out into the water after the raft.
From the shore, Raido sourly watched Kakashi and Genma harass Iruka, and grumbled to himself. "That stupid Chuunin has no idea what those two are going for. He's thicker than Genma!"
Raido flung a pebble into the ocean in a bad temper as he brainstormed for a solution. 'Hm, Iruka's always giving Kakashi funny looks. I wonder if he subconsciously likes him?' A lightbulb went on over Raido's head.
"Ah-Ha! I have just the dastardly plan!" He rubbed his hands with devious glee. "And it will require lots and lots of coconut liqueur, heh heh heh!" With a kick of his heels, Raido scurried off to stock up for his plan.
Iruka was not happy. He had never intended to include company in his private excursion, but was left with no choice. The Jounin had boarded his raft after a lengthy chase down the shore, with Iruka frantically and futilely trying to paddle away from the them. It seemed that no matter how hard the Chuunin tried to get some time alone lately, both Genma and Kakashi would follow close at his heels.
The first inklings of suspicion tickled the back of Iruka's brain, but at the moment all of his attention was directed towards the two stowaways on his raft; both Kakashi and Genma had done little else than fight amongst themselves the moment they had popped aboard, and Iruka's patience was hanging on a very thin wire. "Are you two done yet?" he demanded in his most menacing Teacher Mode voice that can be heard above the din.
The tone that the Chuunin used struck an instinctual nerve within the two Jounin, and they stopped fighting immediately. "Sorry Iruka-sensei." They muttered, sounding a lot like the Chuunin's classroom back home.
Iruka's retribution was not quite done yet. "If you two can't behav like mature adults and help me gather dinner, than I'm kicking you off my boat!"
Both Jounin looked away from Iruka's stern glare, mumbling apologies under their breath. (Yes, this is the power that a shinobi teacher possessed.)
Shaking his head in disapproval, Iruka turned away to select a rock suitable for diving. In doing so, the deadly Teacher Hold was broken on the Jounin.
"Wait, Iruka!" Genma ran ahead of the Chuunin and cannon balled into the sea, splashing water all over Iruka and the determined-to-stay-dry Kakashi. Genma popped back to the surface, grinning from ear to ear with senbon still between his teeth. "You can't expect me to idly sit by and watch you swim around in lobster infested waters ya'know!
Iruka did not try to hide the irritation in his voice. "Genma-san, you could have just kept watch on the beach!"
"Nah! You need me as your bodyguard! C'mon in Iruka," Genma waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I'll take gooooood care of you!"
Kakashi, the ever observant shinobi, noticed the look on Iruka's face as being hesitant. His observations were correct, for at that moment Iruka suddenly did not feel like going into the water anymore. For some reason he thought it as foolish as a baby seal attempting to swim in shark infested waters (and Genma had a toothy grin).
"Hey Genma..." Kakashi's eye twinkled with cunning. "A good bodyguard would first scout out the terrain to make sure it is safe for his ward...unless of course, you do want Iruka-sensei to be gobbled up by the dreaded Rock Lobsters?"
Genma shot Kakashi a dirty look, he couldn't deny Kakashi's bodygaurd logic (even if Rock Lobsters were as real as the Orochi-Fairy.)
"Fine." Genma said after a heavy silence, and turned to Iruka with a brave smile. "I'll catch you a big crab for dinner!" Grabbing a large rock from the basket, Genma dove underwater.
Iruka rolled his eyes and sighed, for now at least, he could have a few moments peace with the two Jounin separated. Between Kakashi and Genma, the later seemed to be least crazy of the pair...except for his infatuation with pelican watching. Chancing a peek from the corner of one eye, Iruka saw that the silvered haired Jounin had sprawled across the center of the raft, his pale body soaking in the sun's rays. The white skin vaguely reminded Iruka of marshmallows, of which the Chuunin was quite fond of.
'His hair is fluffy like a marshmallow.' Iruka thought with a small smile. 'I wonder if he tastes like one?' Unnerved at his own train of thought, Iruka cleared his throat and redirected his mind to something else, like small talk. "Um, Kakashi-san..." he started, 'how do you keep your skin so pale?"
"Oh? You want to know?" Kakashi rummaged in his boxers briefly and flashed a bottle of sunblock at Iruka. "I never leave home without my UltraRay Bloc SPF 60!"
"Ahh..." Iruka pointed at Kakashi's navy blue boxer shorts. "You keep that in there?"
The one eyed Jounin shrugged. "Where else would I keep it? I keep all my important stuff in there." To demonstrate his point, he pulled out a few weapons, some small scrolls and a handful of loose change. "I custom make my own boxers! No other shinobi in all of Konoha have dynamic boxers such as mine!" Kakashi seemed quite proud of himself.
'Maybe he is just as crazy as Genma.' Iruka thought.
Kakashi's single eye glinted in the sun "Oh Iruka Sensei..." Kakashi beckoned to the Chuunin. "Would you like me to rub some of my UltraRay Bloc SPF 60 on your back?"
Suddenly, swimming in Genma infested waters didn't seem so bad after all.
"Ehh, that's all right Kakashi-san," Iruka hastily apologized. "I tan pretty easily anyways, so I really don't need the protection."
"Don't need the protection!" Kakashi's eye widened with shock. "UV rays Iruka! They're everywhere, like GERMS!" It was Kakashi's turn to go into Teacher Mode.
After a long and very convincing lecture on the importance of sublock against the dangers of Ultra Violet rays, Iruka complied and sat down to be rubbed with Kakashi's lotion.
"My, my, Iruka! You are so tense!" Kakashi cried as he rubbed the UltraRay Bloc SPF 60 over the Chuunin's shoulders. "You need to learn to relax!"
"I can never relax around you two." Iruka muttered darkly under his breath as the Jounin applied a glob of sunblock on the nape of his neck.
"Is that so?" Kakashi leaned over to whisper in Iruka's sticky ear, and what he said sent shivers down th Chuunin's spine. "Then I'll make it my mission to give you a one-on-one lesson on relaxation. Hm?"
Iruka was left speechless, he was unsure as to how to reply to such a forward invitation. A little voice in the back of his head wagged a finger in disapproval at himself when his head moved up and down in a nod.
Kakashi's eye shone with glee. Victory! Now on to second base...
Just then, Genma emerged sputtering from the ocean a short distance from the raft.
"You're alive." Kakashi casually observed, peering over the sunlit waters with mild irritation at the untimely interruption. "You were gone for a long time."
"Are you alright Genma-san?" Iruka called, scrambling to his feet.
In response, Genma waved a small lobster over his head. "Lookee what I got for you Iruka!" he laughed. "We're having lobster tonight!"
Iruka's eyes widened in fright. "Um, Genma-san..."
The senbon-chewing Jounin twirled the angry lobster in his hand as it tried to pinch his fingers. "Oh ho! This one's a fighter!"
"Genma..." Kakashi gestured behind the other Jounin, his single eye round as a saucer.
"Harharhar! You'll taste good with a side of seaweed!" Genma gave the little lobster another twirl for kicks.
"Genma-san!" Iruka waved his hands frantically. "Put the lobster down NOW!" he hissed.
"Why?" Genma paused in his lobster torment, he noticed that both Kakashi's and Iruka's attention were fixed at something behind him. Slowly, he turned around...
...And was face to face with a thoroughly pissed giant lobster.
"R-ROCK LOBSTER!" All three shinobi shrieked before the monster descended upon them with a bubbly roar. With a single sweep of its giant red claw it smashed the driftwood raft apart, sending its two occupants splashing into the sea.
The enraged lobster turned to attack its nearest victim (which unfortunately happened to be Iruka) and lunged after the hapless Chuunin with a hideous gurgle.
"I'll save you Iruka!" Both Genma and Kakashi cried together, springing into action in a way that only elite Jounin could.
Too late, the enormous claw descended on the Chuunin with a crash. Fortunately, Iruka kicked away just in time and was merely glanced by the blunt claw, which sent him spinning head over heels into the water.
Meanwhile, both Kakashi and Genma had climbed up the lobster's tail and were running up its barnacle encrusted back. Ignoring the sharp barnacles stabbing their bare feet, they made their way up to the lobster's head.
"Away ye fowl creature of the sea!" Genma cried and dove for one of the wiggling antennas. "Got'cha!" he chortled as he grappled with one of the lobster's frantically waving antennas, which only waved Genma around like a flag as it furiously whipped around.
Kakashi had pulled a kunai from one of his many secret boxer pockets and was in the process of stabbing at the mighty crustacean's head, but was thwarted by the Rock Lobster's rock hard shell.
Quite annoyed by its noggin' being knocked upon, the giant lobster foamed bubbles in outrage and whipped its free antenna at Kakashi to wrap around his ankle. With a yelp, the pesky Jounin was hauled upside down into the air to join Genma in his antenna peril.
"Crap! This wasn't such a good idea!" Genma yelled to Kakashi as they swung past each other on their respective antennas.
"Really? What gave you that idea?" Kakashi sarcastically shot back. Below, the monster lobster arched its head up and opened wide its hideously large feeler mouth to eat its captured prey.
Being upside down and swinging about did little to keep Kakashi's possessions in check, no matter how well made his prided boxers were. Out fell out the loose change, followed by the two small scrolls and the UltraRay Bloc SPF 60 (much to Kakashi's horror) and all fell into the Rock Lobster's gaping maw.
Among the scrolls that fell out, was Kakashi's old shopping list and a 'fun size' exploding fire tag he had found in a Cracker Jack box.
KA-BLERSHG!
The horrible lobster gave out a liquidy roar of dismay as UltraRay Bloc SPF 60 goo exploded from its highly sensitive feeler mouth, sending globs in all directions. With a bellow of disgust, the dreaded Rock Lobster released its hold on the Jounin and disappeared bad temperedly into the sea whence it came.
"Ew, that was GROSS!" Genma wiped a white splatter of the UltraRay Bloc SPF 60 from his face. "I don't EVER want to hear that 'Rock Lobster' song ever again!"
"Ditto." Kakashi agreed. "Hey, Where's Iruka?"
After a moment's panic, they spotted the missing Chuunin wallowing near the shore.
"Oi, Iruka!" Genma cried as they doggie-paddled towards the beach. "You still alive?"
The Chuunin whipped around at the sound of Genma's voice, a look of dismay stamped across his face. "I'm perfectly fine and whole Genma-san!" he called back, a slight note of panic apparent in his voice. "If you don't mind, I'm going to wait here and...and...and swim around for a bit until you both get back to the hut!"
Kakashi's paddling pace sped up a bit as worry set in. "Are you sure everything is alright? You weren't injured by the lobster, were you?"
"I said I was FINE!" Iruka shrieked, shattering all pretense that everything was anything but 'fine.' "Don't come any closer!"
Kakashi and Genma exchanged confused looks at the Chuunin's irrational behavior. The answer to their befuddlement arrived as a pair of light blue boxer shorts floating away on the waves, which in mistakenly once belonged to Iruka.
"Whoa!" Genma's jaw dropped (nearly losing the senbon that had gallantly survived the lobster attack) when realization hit home, and Kakashi's eye bulged wide with wonder.
"Is he...naked down there?" Genma wondered out loud to himself.
Iruka heard the remark and turned beet red. "Leave me alone!" he shrilled, and used an arsenal of rolled up seaweed balls to fend off his foes.
SPLAT-SPLAT! Iruka aimed true, and the seaweed balls enveloped the Jounin's faces and successfully obscured their vision. Once Kakashi and Genma had pulled away the vile weed of the sea, they found Iruka gone.
"Aw, Nut Bunnies!" Kakashi cursed, punching the water in frustration. "He got away!"
"That he did." Genma's eyes welled up with tears. "You realize that the monster achieved what we could not!" he wailed.
"Yeah." Kakashi nodded solemnly, looking equally disheartened. "It was its claw that ripped off Iruka-sensei's boxers. Which means that technically, the lobster won our bet ."
And with this sad realization, the two Jounin mourned.
TBC
A sad day indeed for the Jounin! Will they ever get another crack at winning Iruka? And what exactly is Raido's dasterdly plan? Will Asuma ever find some 'baccy? And what will Iruka make for dinner? Find out in the next exciting chapter of 'Iruka's Island!' (coming to a webpage near you!)
And Yes, I love the B52's good XD Please review...if you DARE!
