In memory of Jlocked's rats.
It was a beautiful morning in the shire. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the kettle was boiling and...
"Screech!"
Bilbo groaned. "Smaug! What are you doing?" he called, taking the kettle from the fire.
The tiny dragon sped in through the window, circled Bilbo's head three times, then zoomed through one of the doors and disappeared.
Excited, possibly outraged voices could be heard outside.
Bilbo sighed. How many times did he have to tell him to stay inside? How were the neighbours ever going to think he could become a respectable hobbit again if his dragon terrorised them day after day?
He went after Smaug, not immediately seeing him, but suspecting that he had hidden under the pillows in the bedroom as usual. "Smaug?"
There was a huff and a small tendril of smoke rose from Bilbo's open sock drawer.
Bilbo opened the drawer a little further and spotted red scales between the colourful wool. "Come on," he said, scooping Smaug up in his hand. "You'll have to tell me at some point."
"No," the little beast hissed. "Go away. Put me back."
"No." Bilbo pulled the drawer further open and kept a good hold on Smaug so he couldn't fly off. "Ah... What do we have here?"
"They're mine," Smaug screamed, struggling. "Thief. Thief. Don't touch them..."
"Really? Buttons?" Bilbo picked a stack of them from behind his socks and held them up. "They're not even proper brass ones. What did you plan to do with them?"
"They're mine. Put them back..." Smaug screeched in panic. "You dropped the blue one. My pretty blue one."
"Smaug, you can't go around pulling buttons from people's clothes. No wonder they were in such a panic. You should bring them all back where they belong." He gave the dragon a stern look.
Smaug glared back. "They're mine," he hissed. "I found them."
"You stole them."
Smaug straightened up as best he could in Bilbo's grip. "I am a dragon," he said. "I claimed them, they are now mine."
Bilbo tried not to smile. "That's not how it works. And they're not even gold. Why would you care about them?"
"They're pretty. And people will fight to protect them. Therefore they have worth." Smaug raised an eyebrow in the way that usually meant that the hobbit was clearly not capable of understanding such matters. "Now put them back and release me."
"You do realise that people are protecting them because they don't want to walk around naked, right?" Bilbo shook his head. "I'm not sure it's worth it to sort them all out so we can bring them back to the right people, but no more button-stealing. Or you won't be getting any more of my lamb stew."
Smaug huffed again and then sneezed, almost singing Bilbo's sleeve.
Bilbo giggled. "And no more storing your hoards between my socks."
"Why?" Smaug muttered, wriggling his way out of Bilbo's hand. "There was plenty of room for both."
Bilbo smiled. "Yes, but that's not where I store my buttons."
Smaug looked up at him. "Where are your buttons?" he asked, his tail twitching.
"Now, there's a challenge to keep you busy." Bilbo grinned.
Smaug's wings rustled but then stopped. He glared at the buttons in Bilbo's hand. "Put those back," he demanded. "They are not yours. Thief."
"Not in the sock drawer," Bilbo repeated, before turning and carrying Smaug with him to the kitchen.
"But..." Smaug protested. "That is my lair. My treasure belongs in my lair. My nice woolly lair..."
"My socks. Choose another lair," Bilbo said.
Smaug pouted. "But everywhere in this filthy little hole is already filled by your things..." Then he perked up. "If I burn the socks, there'd be more room. Or maybe I could clear the linen cupboard."
"Don't you even think about it! I'd throw you out and let the neighbours do with you whatever they want!"
"I'd kill them all," Smaug said haughtily. Then he sighed and seemed to diminish. "I'm a dragon," he muttered. "I have to have a lair..."
"How about we make you a nice pillow lair in the bedroom? Then you can sleep there," Bilbo said.
"Will you build me a pillow cave?" Smaug asked, his tail twitching again. "A big one?"
"Only if I don't find any stolen goods in it," Bilbo warned.
"Only my things. I promise." Smaug did the other eyebrow thing. The one that meant he was trying to look honest. "Now go make it. And put my buttons in. Including the pretty blue one that is still on the floor where you dropped it."
Bilbo shook his head. "I want my tea first."
Smaug considered this for a moment. "Do I get tea too?" he asked. "And biscuits?" he added as his small stomach growled.
"Of course," Bilbo said. "I'll give you your bathing cup."
Smaug looked up at him and began purring. At least that was what he called it. It involved a lot of sparks flying from his nostrils as his throat vibrated, making a strange, erratic hum.
Bilbo chuckled and put him down to fill the teapot with hot water and a few scoops of smoked tea. It had been an accident when Smaug had had a cold and was sneezing a lot, but it actually tasted very nice.
"Don't forget the biscuits," Smaug said, circling the table impatiently.
Bilbo brought the tea and a box of homemade biscuits to the table and then made himself comfortable in his chair, hoping that Smaug would give him a moment to relax.
Smaug devoured half the biscuits, then sploshed into his tea, squirming and fluttering so that half of it had gone over the sides of the cup before he settled down with a contented sigh.
Bilbo shook his head and got up again to find a cloth and wipe up the tea. Then he finished his own cup and enjoyed the quiet as long as it lasted.
Smaug just lounged in the tea for a while, blowing the occasional bubble with his long snout.
Then, as the tea was beginning to cool, he called out plaintively: "Bilbo...?"
"Hmmm?"
"I'm bored. Will you throw biscuits for me to catch?"
Bilbo sighed. "Only if you let me dry you off first. I don't want you to splash tea everywhere."
"We could go outside. You can toss them much higher out there," Smaug suggested. "And we can make smoke rings."
"Fine," Bilbo smirked. It would end in a miffed Smaug, indignant that Bilbo could blow larger rings than the small dragon ever could, but that was always worth it. He got up to fetch Smaug's fluffy towel in the kitchen and spread it out next to his cup.
Smaug hopped onto the towel and then shook himself, sending a fine spray of tea all over the table. He looked up at Bilbo. "Ready," he said, his wings flapping.
Bilbo rolled his eyes and folded the towel around him for a moment, catching the last drops. "Now you're ready. Come on." He held out his hand.
Smaug looked at his hand. Then he jumped into the air and zoomed out the window with a happy: "Wheeeeh!"
Bilbo chuckled and followed him out, although he chose to use the door instead.
Smaug was already busy chasing butterflies, shooting small flames at them, though careful not to actually scorch them. The one time it had happened, the little dragon had been so shocked he had hidden under a bush for almost a day, crying his eyes out.
"Catch!" Bilbo called, throwing a biscuit up in the air.
Smaug did a loop and deftly caught the biscuit, then fluttered down to settle on Bilbo's head to eat it.
"What did I tell you about eating on my head?" Bilbo said, grabbing the dragon and lowering him to his shoulder. "Nice catch, though."
"Th'nks," Smaug mumbled around a mouthful of biscuit. Then he took off. "Higher this time," he called as he soared upwards.
Bilbo obediently threw the biscuit up as far as he could.
"Woohoo..." the dragon exclaimed, diving at the biscuit.
Ten biscuits later, he was draped over Bilbo's shoulder, making a very half-hearted attempt at blowing smoke rings while purring happily.
Bilbo too almost felt like purring. A sunny day, his dragon calmed down and snuggly, and a good pipe in his mouth. He blew a big ring and grinned, happy with himself. "Can't you fly through that one?"
"Could," Smaug said, following the ring with his eyes. "Not going to." He yawned mightily.
Bilbo giggled. "Shall I bring you to bed, oh Smaug the Magnificent?"
"If you must," Smaug said, blinking sleepily.
Bilbo chuckled. "I don't, but it seems like a good idea..."
Smaug yawned again and then curled up, covering his nose with his tail.
Bilbo smiled and went inside. He'd make sure Smaug would wake up in his new pillow lair.
