Fate,
Up against your will
Through thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him.
The Killing Moon, Echo & The Bunnymen
I woke up on Monday morning at six sharp with a feeling like a pit of dread sitting heavily in my abdomen, but I stared at the ceiling, confused as to why it was there. Was there a test I had forgotten about? Homework that had gone undone?
And then I remembered that it was so much worse than that.
For a moment, the pain and fear of the upcoming day immobilized me and I continued to stay in bed, my breath coming in shorter and shorter gasps. I couldn't do this. I couldn't face him. But I would have to at some point right? Unless...unless I could beg Charlie to transfer me to some other school in the area, even if it would be an hour drive everyday. I could do that. That'd be fine. I'd just have to get a second job to help pay for the gas but I could manage that. It would take my mind off things anyway...
I had so thoroughly convinced myself that I could live this alternative life that when I finally got out of bed and started to get dressed, I was convinced I was going to be enrolled in another school before noon today and I would never have to face Edward again.
But when I finally made my way downstairs and saw Charlie sitting at the table, eating his cereal and reading the newspaper, I knew deep down it was no good.
I got a cereal bar out of the cabinet and sat down across from him, so nervous that my hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to unwrap the plastic packaging.
My neurotic mood must have finally alerted Charlie to the fact that something was up and he glanced at me from around his newspaper. Then he did a double take.
Did I look as bad as I felt?
"Is everything okay Bells?" my dad asked, his eyes concerned but tinged with the slight fear of having to potentially handle a teenage girl's problems.
"I um - " Christ even my voice was shaken as I glanced the clock, my fate ticking closer every second. "Dad could I get transferred to a different school? Like, today?"
This forced Charlie to actually set down the paper.
"Why?" His brow furrowed, probably jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Sexual abuse, physical threats against my life, etc...
I swallowed. "It's just that - " Well he'd find out sooner or later, and if I told him later he would think I was hiding stuff from him, which never led to pleasant conversations. It wasn't necessarily his business what was going on intimately in my love life, at least I thought so. But I didn't think he would agree. "Edward and I broke up. Well, I broke up with him, and I just think it would be better if I never had to come in contact with him again."
"You want to change schools because you broke up with a boy?" Charlie asked incredulously. I grit my teeth against correcting him over his label of Edward as just 'a boy.' Charlie hesitated before he asked something that was directly leading him into teenage girl drama-land, which had to be more terrifying than anything he'd ever encountered in all his years on the police force. "Why did you break up with him?"
I shrugged, not wanting to answer that question either honestly or untruthfully.
Charlie's mouth twisted as he thought about what to say. He had never been Edward's biggest fan but that was just because he didn't like the idea of me having a boyfriend. And then he really began to hate him when he suspected, pretty spot-on, that we had started sleeping together over the past summer. He had no real proof except his cop-like observance so he had had to be passive-aggressive about it, but Charlie did sit me down for the most awkward safe-sex chat between a father and daughter there ever was. So I suspected Charlie was feeling pretty torn about this news. On the one hand, now I wouldn't be having sex with anyone. On the other hand, I would now most likely engage in carnal acts with someone else in the future and I think Charlie would've preferred the damage been as contained to one area as possible.
"Well, you know life happens that way sometimes," Charlie finally muttered. "If something's not right, you got to cut your losses and move on, even if it's not easy. It'll be okay kiddo. You can get through it. Trust me when I say running away isn't going to help anything. So no, you're not getting transferred."
And then the newspaper went back up.
"What if it is right but you still cut your losses?" I whispered, unable to contain it.
Charlie's face with a 'this-is-way-over-my-head' expression once again emerged from the black-and-white pages.
"If it's right it will work out," he said dodgily, and then ducked for cover under his newspaper again after muttering that I should call my mother.
Conceding that this was the most sage advice I was going to get from him today, I grabbed my bag and began my death march to my truck, taking a deep breath for courage.
The first thing my eyes zeroed in on when I pulled into the Forks High parking lot was the fact that the silver Volvo that was Edward's car was already there, which meant that he was there.
I sat in my truck for a few minutes, delaying by fiddling with the keys before I admitted defeat to the inevitable and got out.
It was a drizzly day, but that was more Washington weather than pathetic fallacy. I pulled my jacket's hood up and ducked my head as I walked through the misty rain, torn between my want to get under cover and wanting to stay as far away from the building he inhabited.
"Hey Bella!"
I immediately froze, even though I knew the voice wasn't owned by any of my immediate circle of friends. Somehow I wondered if the news of our break-up had spread already, and I was dreading the inevitable questioning.
Mike jogged up next to me. "We still on for after school today?" he asked.
It seemed surreal to me to be having this first normal, non-Edward related conversation since Friday. "Yeah, of course," I answered. Any other day I would've tried to follow it up with a witty joke but I couldn't seem to muster it up. Still, if I kept talking to Mike, I would at least look like I was acting normally, and it would also distract me until I had to go to my first class which, unfortunately, had Edward in it. Usually we went to our first class together way before the bell rang and waited in there. I wasn't sure if he would continue on doing that now and didn't particularly care to find out yet.
"So, how was your weekend?" I asked nervously, glancing at my watch. I had fifteen minutes to kill.
"Oh, it was good you know," Mike answered, sounding surprised that I was elongating our conversation instead of rushing off. "Told myself I was going to do some homework on Saturday, ended up doing it last night at eleven - the usual." He grinned and I forced myself to laugh, too distracted to really get into it.
"That's cool, I like to do it Friday night so I don't have to worry about it the rest of the weekend..."
"Yeah I always tell myself I'm going to do that and then it unhappens," he smiled, sweeping a hand through his hair. It was a characteristic Edward move and I think everyone was aware that was who Mike got it from. It sent a wince through me. "You do anything exciting?" he asked.
"Mike think about who you're talking to," I muttered, shaking my head. "I never do anything exciting."
"I don't know, don't you and Edward usually go out?" I noticed he was unable to prevent himself from making a slight face at the very mention of his name.
I just shook my head, my throat closing up. "Not always," I murmured.
My fifteen minutes were almost up, so I bid good-bye to Mike and walked to first period with my heart pounding.
Suddenly the idea of ditching school, which I had never seriously considered before, seemed quite appealing.
"Don't be a coward," I whispered to myself outside the door.
But I did wait until the room was almost full before going in.
Against my will, my eyes went straight to him as soon as I walked in though I knew that could potentially end in disaster. He was sitting there in a black sweater and dark blue jeans, looking as delectable as ever, but his expression was more brooding and severe than usual, which was saying something. He twitched as I opened the door but he did not look around, which I was grateful for.
I took the long way to my seat, around the back, so I did not have to pass in front of him.
Unfortunately, having started the year as a couple, we had taken up seats right next to each other, and to move now would be to take someone else's self-designated chair.
God, when did teachers stop making kids sit in alphabetical order?
I very carefully avoided looking in his direction at all as I sat down, tapping my pen nervously. I could feel his eyes glance at me now and again but he was refraining from flat-out staring.
This was ridiculous. We had most classes together and sat together in all of them. It was unrealistic to pretend I would never talk to him again and I figured the longer I waited to do so, the more awkward it would be.
"Hi," I said, to his desk top.
"Hello." His voice was coldly polite.
"How um - " I was going to ask him how his weekend was, but I stopped knowing that would be a stupid question. I flubbed, casting wildly in my mind for a question that wouldn't have an awkward answer. I came up with nothing, and just went back to wishing fervently for class to start, hoping he hadn't heard me.
I saw him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye and I blushed, feeling like an idiot.
I did help my conviction a little bit though. Obviously, he was much better than me. I'm sure if the situation were reversed - well, it would never be reversed, because he would never have any reason to feel ashamed of himself.
I felt my mood darken and I just stared down at my notebook, brows furrowed as class finally began.
The next few classes were similar exercises in torture. But when fourth period ended, I caught Edward outside of class. He turned around, unable to hide his surprised expression quick enough for me to miss it before his stony face came back.
"Yes?" he asked, taking a deep inhale.
"Listen," I began. "Whatever, um, our feelings are now, I still care about you Edward. And obviously we're still going to be in each others lives, at least for the next year. So, you know, I'm sure you're still angry or upset or...but I really do want us to still be friends like we were before we were um..."
It killed me to say this. To be around him and not have him would be hell. But I had finally realized over the course of the morning that he was in my life regardless of whether either of us wanted it right now (I really wasn't sure what his feelings were; it was hard to read him like I normally could and I didn't want to assume anything) so I figured I might as well take what I could get.
He stared down at me and I made myself look back, the first real eye contact we'd had all day. Now that I looked at him up close, I could see the shadows under his eyes and that his hair was actually more messed up than usual. And were his eyes red or just bloodshot?
Regardless, he was still the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I bit my lip under his intense stare.
His head started to shake from side to side. "I still don't understand what happened," he said quietly. "But I'm going to be honest - I can't go back to before. I can't be just your friend. I need all of you." He glared at the floor. "If you really do still care about me, then respect that I can't. Having part of you is worse than having none."
For a moment as he looked up I could see the hurt in his eyes, but then he was turning around and walking away.
I wanted to call it off; I wanted to run to him and get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness and pretend that deep down I didn't know that he deserved better. But I did know that, and I couldn't forget it, so instead I just went to the girl's bathroom to get my tears out before arriving to be fifth period, very late.
But I think my red eyes stopped Mr. Weaver from giving me grief.
I did not go to lunch. I had no idea whose side my friends were on, and I was terrified to find out. Especially Alice. She was my best friend, and if she hated me for breaking up with her brother...I couldn't bare it.
So, coward by nature, I took refuge in the library, getting a start on my stupid math homework so Mike would have some basis to start helping me this afternoon.
I only had gym with Angela in seventh period; none of my other friend's schedules matched up with mine, so unless I searched them out I wouldn't have to face them yet.
After about fifteen minutes of trying to do calculus, I gave up, my head filled with Edward's words from this morning.
I put my head down on the table, haunted by him, as I knew I would be for the rest of my life. Might as well get used to it.
In P.E., we had to stay inside due to the rain and ended up playing volleyball.
I was petrified as Angela sidled up next to me to be my partner.
"Hey," she smiled, putting her hands together to be ready to hit the ball. "I missed you at lunch."
I let out the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. Of course Angela wouldn't treat me any different. It made me feel silly to think otherwise. For the first time today, I didn't feel quite so awful.
"Yeah," I answered. "I just - "
She nodded empathetically. "Yeah, Alice told me about you and Edward."
I swallowed, wanting to ask what Alice had said about it specifically, but I was too scared to ask for fear of what the answer would be.
"You know," she went on, "If you want to talk about it, I'm always here, but there's no pressure."
I had never been so fond of Angela as I was in this moment.
"Thank you," I said sincerely. "Honestly, you've made me feel as good as I have all day."
She nodded. "I'll be honest though, I was really surprised to hear it." She looked at me in a way that made me feel like she could see right through me, unencumbered by subjectivity. "You don't look happy."
I shrugged, following the ball's movement with my eyes so I wouldn't have to meet her gaze.
"Whenever you want to talk," she reminded, and then went back to concentrating on the ball too.
The rest of the week followed pretty much the same routine, except it got worse when people finally noticed that Edward and I weren't together, and then the whispers started about how we had broken up. There were a whole bunch of theories as to why. It just proved how little news there ever was in this town. But then again, in any school people were aware of well-founded relationships, and their inevitable ends were talked about too. But just not with this high intensity.
"So you and Cullen are over now then?" Mike asked Wednesday afternoon.
"Yeah," I muttered, feeling even more weighed down than normal.
"That sucks," he said, being surprisingly sensitive. "It always does when any long-term relationship ends. Are you okay?"
I looked up, rather touched. "I'll be fine," I lied. "Thanks."
"If you ever need anyone to talk to..." he offered, putting his hand on my shoulder. As a general rule, I really wasn't too comfortable with people touching me, with a few notable exceptions. Mike wasn't one of them. So I casually shrugged his hand off and asked a question about the problem we were in the middle of.
He scooted his chair closer to mine to point out a previous aspect of the problem that was coming into play now and the topic was dropped.
On Thursday, I saw Alice for the first time. We were across a courtyard from each other and our eyes ended up meeting.
I looked away quickly, but was unable to keep from looking back. I was met with her tiny glare.
Feeling my heart break more than it already had, I rushed on.
I had barely slept at all that week.
By Friday, I was mentally and physically done. Sixth period was the worst of it, having to share a lab table with Edward in chem class. We were physically closer than at any other time but our emotional distance made the whole hour a trying experience.
As our teacher began his lecture, the lights went off to properly show the overhead.
The allure of sleep was too tempting, and I put my head down to write my notes.
And the next thing I knew, the bell was ringing.
I snapped up, everyone in the room bustling about and getting their things. Edward was almost done and I risked sneaking a peek at him. To my surprise, he did not look sad or angry or hurt or any of the other emotions I had seen on his face this past week. He looked...oddly triumphant. He exited the room after giving me a lingering glance that left me with a chill.
I was confused by it as I went to pack up my own belongings, and then saw a folded note in front of my notebook.
My hand started to shake as I unfolded it, recognizing Edward's elegant penmanship immediately.
I knew you were lying to me.
P.S. Have I reminded you lately that you mutter in your sleep?
Please drop me a review. I was overwhelmed by your guys amazing response to my silly little story and would very much like to continue to be overwhelmed.
- The Romanticidal Edwardian
