CHAPTER 2 – Medium
The morning after that wasn't pleasant either.
Though they ended up in tangles just holding each other unconsciously while they were asleep, the bad feeling settled back into the pit of their stomachs a while after waking up, and the unsettling feeling didn't quite go away.
Marceline just sat up, quietly proceeding to get on with her daily routine. It was odd because Bonnie was the one who got up first, but there she was.
The silence stretched for a while, but it could only last for so long.
"You can see anyone else you want," Bonnie said harshly. "We just fuck, we just flirt. There's really nothing here." She didn't sound convincing to either of them, and Bonnibel sounded more like she was trying to convince herself that, but the words didn't stop stinging nonetheless. "You can have some other boyfriend or girlfriend if you really want some label, but honey whatever you might be looking for with me is just—"
"I'm not looking, nor am I begging, so please just stop it."
Bonnie blinked, as if the words surprised her. "Then what is it that you want?"
Marceline shrugged. "Nothing, so stop it."
The quiet stretched, and Bonnibel let it that time. It was as if they had some sort mutual agreement that they weren't going to be speaking for whatever duration of time they would let be. It was like some sort of break-up, but they weren't even dating and that probably frustrated the both of them more.
It shouldn't have escalated as much as it did, and Marceline was half sure that she wanted to pin some sort of blame on Bonnibel. She didn't like the way that she was making her feel. Maybe Marceline was expecting too much, but did Bonnibel not understand it or was she just not feeling anything at all? She said she loved her, but now the way she was acting over labels made it seem like she was saying it like a passing whim. But that wasn't Bonnie's fault. Maybe Marceline was being unfair with her expectations for whatever they had? Honestly, everything was a fucking whirl and she didn't know shit.
As if suddenly breaking the sphere, even though Marceline got ready first, as soon as Bonnie got on and ready for her own day, she just headed out and punctuated the distaste in the air even without slamming the door. The slightest click just hit Marceline like a freight train, and she didn't like the feeling that came as residue of it.
She didn't even have Bonnie. They weren't anything but she felt like she lost her, and she didn't know which part of that made her feel more pathetic.
Anyway, Marceline didn't have the time to really dwell on it to begin with so she just had to suck it up and get to school before anything in her head interrupted her enough to make her skip class. She had credits she didn't want to fail, and that was her priority above anything.
Running about the apartment, getting her keys and just trying to judge how long she is allowed to mope, she tried to get on with her head and just focus on school… but even that was starting to become a tad difficult. She just got to driving, trying to think of good things, like how the school was going to promote her band in the upcoming student fair; she thought of how she and her friends were going to go to the beach when her birthday comes up. She thought of how her best friend was going to visit her from so far away. She thought of the happy thoughts until the happy thoughts ran out, and then she thought of them all over again. There was a way to exhaust her brain… she just had to make sure not to think of Bonnie.
No, she wasn't going to think of Bonnibel. Not the way that Bonnie's brows would somehow go up and look all scrunched when she was amused (or confused), nor the way that Bonnie had that weird laugh that came more as a kekeke rather than a hahaha. Not the way that Bonnie would randomly pick on whatever sandwich she had made, nor the fact that Bonnie's back-up plan when not having made dinner was to make spaghetti for the nth night that week. Not the way Bonnie… and so, Marceline just did a defeated hit at the steering wheel.
Fuck it.
She parked the car at her designated spot on campus and just sat there for the next few minutes. All that was required of her was to breathe in and breathe out; there was no point thinking through the drama, and for certain she just really didn't want to give a shit. The truth is, she doesn't have to. And she won't. That was the point.
The way that Finn knocked on her car door didn't do much to stop the ache, but it did give her a mini heart attack, but for the most part it did take her away from the toxicity in her head for like, three minutes.
"Marceline, what's up?" Finn murmured. "You look like shit."
"Thanks," Marceline grumbled. "Anything new you have to offer, though?"
"Nothing really, just…" he scratched the back of his head. "You're normally like this when something is bothering you."
"Like what?"
"You know," he shrugged. "You would get to the car park early but you wouldn't leave your car."
"How did you even know I was here?"
"We had track practice earlier today, and I just saw your car come up the drive. You didn't even bother getting out of it."
"Lovely, isn't it?" Marceline scoffed. "I don't really feel like going to school today."
"Then why are you here anyway?" Finn asked, leaning about Marceline's car door. "You don't have to go to school if you're feeling like shit."
"Ah, but I must hasten in the world of education," Marceline tutted. "I don't want to have to indulge into nothingness when I have some responsibilities to attend to."
"You still can't get over that one bad mark, can you?"
"Hey, I have a bad enough rep. I don't want my grades to be a part of that."
"Fair enough." Finn laughed. "You gonna get out of that car yet or do I have to haul your ass into class?"
"Haul me," Marceline mockingly whined. "Drag my worthless body and throw me into the ditch called standardized education."
"Come on now, Marce."
"Fine."
Opening the car door, Marceline gave the boy a hug and walked with him to the class. It was probably for the better that they walked together, because it was easier to forget about Bonnie-related things. That didn't stop her thought process, but Finn was being a good sport in not attacking her with a bunch of questions.
It's a good thing friends can get on like that, right?
The class she had was something else, though. The problem could've been anything, but Marceline almost felt as nervous as Finn did with the way his vibe came up.
"When is Petrikov going to arrive?" Finn said, unable to keep his leg still. Bad habit.
"He's always late. What's the problem?"
"I turned in some papers late for our psych class, and I feel like he'll embarrass me again."
"So now, I assume that you're anticipating your demise?"
"Stop making things look poetic," he retorted. "It doesn't feel nice or, as you closet poets say, beautiful to indulge in pain."
"You wound me, Mertens."
"Abadeer, I swear to god—"
The immense drop of a stack of papers made a stunning thud and it shook the life out of Finn, much to Marceline's amusement. The weary look on Dr. Simon Petrikov's face wasn't as heartwarming, though.
"Okay class…" he started. "We're going to discuss human needs and different theories that pertain to them."
Marceline rolled her eyes. Yeah, that sounded like a blast. She didn't really want to listen but she figured it might be worth the two cents she could drop in. She'd much rather find something else to do, but she was in class. Finn looked a little concerned at Petrikov but he still displayed a form of distaste nonetheless.
"Ugh, Petrikov is in a shit mood. It means I'll get… some shit. Probably." Finn twirled a pen to punctuate his statement.
Petrikov drew a triangle and started dividing it into sectors. He looked exhausted, the weariness obvious with his somewhat faltering handwriting. The usual neatness was somewhat devolved into something more erratic. No one had much of the guts to comment, but Marceline felt concerned. Still, the shakiness could've been dumbed down to lack of sleep or something. Whatever, she was probably overthinking things again.
"There is something about this hierarchy that is commonly presented to teenagers…" he went on. He dragged his marker along as the class merely nodded away. "It's been famously portrayed in media, so we might as well start with Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now, we need someone to discuss what they might know about it…"
Audible groans followed.
"Finn." Petrikov called, raising a brow. "Do you have any idea what the hierarchy is?"
Finn slammed his head onto the table a little too hard and the resonating "bang" that followed it made Marceline cringe. Well, this development was not something she wanted.
"Like…" Finn floundered. "I guess it's some sort of ranking on what people want in life or something? I don't know."
Petrikov chuckled, but it wasn't in the demeaning way. He seemed too exhausted to really pin much on the class. "That's… somewhat how it works. But we really focus on the word need here. But you're mostly correct, Mertens."
Finn blinked as if he was surprised to have gotten out of the question quite easily. He was skeptical but he just kept quiet. Marceline was also rather felt something was off. Normally, Petrikov was a little bit stricter. Maybe he was getting mellow.
"The thing about needs is that it has it's own focus at a time," the professor droned. "We have to start at the base where we must meet our basic needs, and it goes into security and education, then the more personal and intimate of needs leading into self-actualization and then transcendence."
"But transcendence is close to impossible, in the natural human state of living." Marceline countered, trying to rile the professor up. "Why was the concept introduced if it's an impossible case?"
Simon raised both his brows before furrowing them. "Point taken, Miss Abadeer. But there's always a sense of wanting to chase after such things, right? Perhaps that's the point of it. The point of living is chasing after impossibilities."
Marceline snorted, taking note of it as a typical pretentious answer.
"But we come to the idea of the needs; what is the priority that we take in this triangle?"
Everyone just looked at it. Reading through it… they put it under whatever strain they could.
A boy somewhere in the room clamored. "If the biggest part of the triangle is the one with the basic needs, wouldn't that be the most important part?"
Petrikov raised a brow. "Of course, we deal with our bodily needs first…"
Everyone hummed in agreement.
"But what's the point if it's not so much fulfilling?" he added.
The room went oddly still.
"Some people establish relationships," he continued. "Some people create relations, and affection comes and is exchanged. It's a sign of thriving. Having the base needs becomes pointless once we get higher into the hierarchy – then we become question marks of sustainability. We don't become satisfied the higher we get and the more we have."
That statement put a bad feeling in Marceline's stomach again. Maybe the fulfillment was necessary for her; maybe that's why she wanted something with Bonnie. She had what she needed, she had whatever she could want. Maybe the fact that there was this missing link only made her desire press on. Bonnie may not see it the same way, but Marceline put in some greater importance for that part of the hierarchy. Maybe the fact that she wasn't content with just what she had made it unfair.
"Marceline—" Finn said, waving for her attention. "You alright? You spaced out again."
Blinking a few times, Marceline tried to focus.
Finn slid a little cluster of papers. "These are the readings for the chapter. Petrikov seemed to want to get out of the class, so he rambled on a bit before leaving again."
Getting to her senses, Marceline stood up and tried to orient herself enough to try to go to Petrikov's office.
"Where you going, Marce?" Finn asked as Marceline got to arranging her things.
"Gonna go to Simon. Need to make sense of something."
Finn made a chuckling noise before adding the comment closet poet as Marceline stalked away. She didn't really want to deal with being thought as pretentious. That shit is tiring enough as it is. She might be pretentious but there's no need to poke fun of that now, right?
With a light tap at the door, she got an affirmative from the professor on the other side.
"Marceline," Simon said, perking up from his slanted disposition. "To what do I owe this pleasure? Did something happen?"
"Simon…" she said, motioning to sit on the couch by the side of his office. "Did something happen to you? You were kind of out of it during class."
"Oh," he shrugged. "Just… Betty."
"What happened with her?"
"She's come down with something and I'm scared it's rather serious. I've been going back and forth from the hospital to take care of her."
Marceline kept quiet.
What a thing it was, really. The way that Simon cared for Betty was almost something to be envious about, but there was also a pit of anxiety on Marceline's part. She was being selfish around the thoughts that were revolving around her mind and the way that Simon looked at her made it seem that he could tell that something was up.
"I see that there are also things on your mind."
Marceline shook her head, trying to snap out of the reverie she was caught in.
"It's something stupid, Simon. You've got… greater things to worry about."
Simon walked over to the couch where she stayed and put a reassuring hand to her shoulder.
"Your problems are valid, especially if they bother you enough to consult me," he reassured her. "So, are you ready to tell me?"
She heaved in a breath, trying to calculate how much she really wanted to say. Perhaps she wanted to let out everything, but all in all she wanted to just tell someone. And if there was anyone who would understand her, it'd be Simon.
"There's this girl I like… And I don't know. I think I want something with her? But I don't know how deep it runs for her. I feel this… need. To have that form of security with someone? And I thought that someone would be her."
"And what seems to be the problem with that?"
"The thing is… I don't think she's accepting of that. She's treating me like a sideline sort of fling, I think," she groaned to that. "Perhaps her needs were already met to the point of her satisfaction, and I feel that mine hasn't. I feel like I'm being selfish, even, for wanting this kind of thing with her. She has so much of her life, so much to be busy with… While I'm here, yearning."
"Mhmm… How far have you gone with this girl?"
Marceline started tapping her foot nervously. "She's technically been living in my condo, mostly. She and I would have sex, like, a lot."
"I see…"
"Is that a problem?" Marceline only kept one eye open, prepared for some sort of berating from the old man.
"But beyond that…" he shrugged. "Get out of the physical circumstances and tell me of what substance you've had from each other."
She hesitated, thinking whether Bonnie really had validated what she said before.
"She told me she loved me." Marceline said, trying to convince herself of it. "She… I dunno, it started with casual flirtation from meeting at a bar. It just escalated, I guess."
"Escalated? From what?"
Marceline breathed in but she just came off with a soft smile. She didn't know whether it was a bittersweet thought or whatever but it was there.
/-/-/
The bar was close to crowded and Marceline felt sick of the scene, but she did want to leave with someone in mind.
"Wanna leave?" Marceline asked the other girl. "There's not much to stay around for, considering… my friend probably went about doing his thing or whatever."
Bonnie looked as if she was still considering the proposition but the teasing smile she had pretty much gave the decision away. "Where are we to head?"
"I'm not sure. The night is yours to spend." Marceline replied, curtsying out of lighthearted jest. "I am but to follow your command, your majesty."
She smiled, taking Marceline's arm and wobbling a bit as she walked about. "I'm a tad tipsy… I think."
Laughing along, the two of them just left the bar and got to walking around the city, and soon enough they found themselves at the bridge on the way to Marceline's apartment.
Throwing her arms up in the air as the breeze came through the bridge they were on, Marceline had never felt so alive. There, she was standing in front of the most beautiful girl she had ever met. Though that judgement may be bad considering that she was kind of tipsy and every girl would be pretty right off the bat (especially under any level of inebriated).
As clouded as it was, she just couldn't stop looking at the redheaded girl. She was also kind of inebriated, by the looks of it (and maybe more so than Marceline) but she had her own smile plastered on her face. Marceline couldn't help but stare, but with a step backward, she found herself tripping on her own feet and on her ass.
Bonnie obviously found that way too funny, snorting out a laugh before bursting into a bit of a hysteric, also finding her way on the ground.
"Hey, that's mean!" Marceline whined whilst laughing. "You wouldn't like it if I laughed at you for falling onto your ass."
Bonnie winked, then going on by showing off a million dollar smile like damn. "But you wouldn't, you know. I have a feeling you wouldn't."
Marceline smiled in turn, getting up and off of her ass to come pick Bonnie up. "You're probably right. I'd probably be distracted or something."
"What were you looking at anyway?" Bonnie asked, hoisting herself up with Marceline's help. "You seemed to be distracted then as well."
"You." Marceline replied to the taller girl. "You're quite distracting."
Bonnibel's eyes widened, surprised with what Marceline had said. "Mm, bold in the moonlight, I see?"
As if struck by a realization, Marceline just got into a thinking stance whilst still looking at Bonnibel. "Not so much on that, but can you really blame me for appreciating beautiful things and people? It's not really an uncommon thing."
"Hmm…" Bonnie looked as if she was skeptical, but she also seemed a little shock at the admission. It seemed like a soft kind of surprise, because there was a subtle shift in her eyes and Marceline decided she liked that. "I suppose I'll have to follow through. But…"
Bonnibel pulled Marceline in to kiss her.
"You're… not that bad." Marceline smiled.
"I can say the same for you." Bonnie hummed.
Another kiss came to follow.
It was soft but it grew more fervent as they got by it. But Marceline let go first, laughing and doing a little dance with Bonnibel. It would've been a bit comical considering the fact that she twirled around a girl who was a tad taller than her, but they didn't mind.
It was cute.
It was kind of sweet.
It was a first.
And obviously, they were a lot less drunk at that point.
They ended up hastily walking up to Marceline's apartment, feeling a tad too excited after the series of fluffy events, and the door was barely closed before Bonnibel got Marceline's back against the wall. It was before words could really escape in the small span of time, but Bonnie had her lips on Marceline's neck and a thigh in between her legs so things were evidently going a tad fast and Marceline liked that.
They scrambled about their clothing, from their blouses, to Marceline's skirt and Bonnie's skinny jeans, and down to the stagnant portion of underwear as Marceline maneuvered Bonnibel around the apartment and into her bedroom.
Everything was soft to the touch, frankly speaking. It almost felt sentimental, and they barely even knew each other. Still, there was something reverent about the way that Bonnie tugged on her ear and whispered profane things; you know how it goes. To treat like a princess, and to fuck like a slut, right? But it almost felt like something interestingly… sweet. A hook-up that's sweet and sentimental; it was almost comical. It could be a load of bullshit but damn did it feel authentic. It didn't even feel close to scandalous when they got their underwear off of themselves.
The way that one of Bonnie's hands held on Marceline's arms, holding her down, made it evident that she wasn't really playing much games in the toss and turn of sex. Marceline tugged at Bonnie's lower lip as if demanding something, or at least showing some sort of defiance to it, and the other girl just showed at least some form of gratification just kissing her in turn.
Concentrated kisses and slow motions, the neck, collarbone, breasts, and the deliberate trail down to Marceline's thighs. Nipping and biting in soft ways, teasing and moving about the wet area with a finger before indulging on it herself.
Marceline was kind of thrilled. It felt nice, and she probably hasn't been handled that way but it was a good start with how she's liking the way Bonnie was going by with doing her.
The way Bonnie's hands worked though was like magic; and while enjoying the climaxing moment, Marceline vowed to possibly pay the redhead back.
As Bonnie got the other girl to get done, Marceline smirked, and got to pulling her closer.
"Remember how I said I'd like to hear you say my name?"
With a twinkle in her eye, Bonnie responded. "Yes, I think I recall it vividly."
Smiling her way, she did find a way to repay the favor Bonnie did on her.
Let's say she got to her to say her name enough times to satisfy.
-/-/-/-
Bonnie tried to snap herself out of the conversation that she and Marceline had. She tried to forget how much of an asshole she was, and she tried to forget that she essentially fucked up something just because of uncertainty. But she had that much of a right… right? She loved Marceline, but did that mean she had to be with her that way? No!
She had every right to deny things, and she had every right to take things by how she knew felt more comfortable for her. She knew how to make things hurt less at the end of the day, and if leaving the relationship (or lack thereof) out of labels made it easier to one day deal with inevitable loss… then she would be happier with that.
Besides, she had other things to do, and the fact that she had to do severe sessions of overtime in the local library over her recent dissertation, and her thesis on reanimating cells was also on the works. She didn't have enough time to actually go and enjoy things anymore and what time she had, she gave to Marceline. Wasn't that enough?
She tried to balance it with friends, masters, work, and Marceline. That was enough on her hands, and any change in the balance might make it harder to really deal with any of them. Commitments are scary enough; a disorderly life would just complicate everything even more. Cursing herself, though, she knew that it was not even a logical to really fucking think about that shit.
In her attempt to shake it off, the essays and scholastic journals that she had gotten her hands on were severely abused in terms of perusal. How does that even work? She read them too much? Even still, the intense attempt to digest every word on every damn page made it seem too scandalous. Such was the life of Bonnibel, though. It would seem funny if only she wasn't so goddamn agitated.
"What if I just stop," Bonnibel hummed, trying to disregard the odd ache in her chest. "It's just fucking stupid. This stupid thing doesn't match up to my priorities."
With a sudden thud, Bonnie was jolted back into attention.
"Something botherin' you, girl?" Lila asked, eyebrow raised to the effect. "You haven't looked at that paper for a good fifteen seconds."
"I'm good, thanks." Bonnie lied, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm just stressed about work and my masters." That was kind of a lie, but still.
Lila didn't seem so bothered by that, so she just prattled on about the latest gossip, and Bonnie just got back into the zone of her work, preferring not to care about whatever the hell the gossip mill was going on about.
"—Oh yeah, how are you and that girl you met in the bar doing?"
That put everything to a halt.
"Hm?"
"You know, that, uh… the one with the black hair? Couldn't tell under the lighting but it was probably black."
Sighing, Bonnie put her paper down. "You don't really take much features for a woman, do you?"
"As a straight woman, I might concur, but I try," Lila countered. "She seemed interesting and you seemed into her."
"Yeah…" Bonnie said, the word slipping away without permission.
"How long have you been dating?" Lila asked, "She's kinda hot, probably. For you… I think."
"Yeah." Bonnie added, not really wanting to encourage that line of conversation.
"You seemed interested, but you're not dating?"
"It's… more complicated than that."
"Goddammit, why does it always have to be complicated when it comes to you and personal relationships, Bon?" Lila said, half in jest.
Despite the fact that it was mostly a joke, it did hit Bonnie. Why did she always make it complicated? Did she, really? That seemed too big of an accusation that Bonnie didn't know how to really answer it, herself.
"Girl, just go get her," Lila laughed. "You're freaking out."
Bonnie grumbled in turn, since she didn't really want to deal with it at that moment. It was just too irritating, and she had no plans on really addressing it any time soon.
The taste was oddly sour in her mouth, though, and it was fucking draining. The next time there was an indication that Lila was going to make a commentary of sorts, she just got up and made some flimsy excuse that she didn't even fucking remember. All she knew was that she wanted out and any indication that Marceline was going to be some sort of topic made her feel too queasy for comfort.
She just walked out and away.
Like she always did.
She found herself walking to the same bridge that she found herself in some stupid ass cheesy drunken moment in that goddamn night months ago. It was too early into the evening to really do anything, but she just found herself walking some more.
Maybe it'd make sense if she just screamed a little, or if they fought a little more into it. She didn't know. All she knew was that small words really made her worry and the intricate things she's made are things she wouldn't want falling apart quicker before she could say anything about them.
Marceline was a hot and cold in the making, and she didn't know whether she wanted to invest on that kind of person. She didn't know if she wanted to invest in any kind of relationship with anyone, but after quite some time with her, she felt that she knew Marceline.
She was a swinging mess between hot and cold, and she knew what she wanted. She was snarky, self-deprecating, draining, and just an honest to God obviously unstable hot mess. She was demanding but she loved ardently. She knew Marceline.
The walk on the way to Marceline's apartment was sure, yet she tried to calculate the steps she had to take to get there. She felt that they were too heavy and rushed.
Think of that – she avoided the elevator in favor of just taking her time, but she wasn't even sure that Marceline was there to begin with. She didn't know what she wanted out of whatever exchange they were going to have but she knew she was going to lead them… somewhere. What even did she want to say? She didn't know.
For once, that scientific mind was thinking about something else and it confused the fucking hell out of her.
Once she got there, though, the door was still locked. Marceline wasn't home yet, and it was roughly nearing merely thirty minutes past her last class. Bonnie should've checked the time. What other way to feel like an idiot… Goddamn it.
Still, with the spare key that Marceline gave her, Bonnie got into the apartment anyway.
She knew that shit was shitty and she didn't know what to fucking say most of the goddamn time but she wanted to work it through. She didn't like feelings and dealing with them. Verbalizing that shit is harder than anything.
The door got to a click though, and Marceline stared at her.
"Bonnie, why are you here? Don't you have class?"
"I wanted to talk."
Maybe this time the words that she would try to say would actually work out.
