Hot Cold ~ yet the shock of a single steaming cup shattered it that winter day – Secret Vespers 08-03-19

*

Once the Ice Cracks

*

Once the teacups were back in the office, Hitsugaya was tired enough that it didn't really matter if his dreams would be comfortable or not; he needed his sleep. He'd just straighten up the stacks of paperwork and turn in early.

The moment he entered his rooms he received his second shock that day.

Since their early days, Hitsugaya had always known when Matsumoto brought home men. He didn't need to sneak around and look for them, like some fools would have, the taichou's and the fukutaichou's quarters were adjoining and that supplied him more information on her love interests than he really cared to have in the first place.

In the beginning, he had assumed that her… vocal intensity was just one more way of annoying him, like the hugs and the hints. Once he finally figured out that it wasn't, that she really had no idea that the wall between their rooms wasn't quite soundproof, they were close enough friends that he didn't want to bother her with it and anyway he had already gotten to the point where he fell asleep just as easily on those nights as on any other.

This night, however, wasn't like all those others. He knew that Matsumoto was slightly bisexual. She was too passionate to be anything else. On rare occasions, the people she brought home had been women. It had bothered him about as much as the men; which is to say hardly at all. This wasn't just any woman, though.

Even though she only did this a few times a year, in over a hundred years that meant he knew very well what Matsumoto sounded like. That, effectively, meant that every noise that wasn't hers… was…

God.

They were torturing him.

His chest contorted with every moan, every laugh, every growl that slipped through to his ears. Getting undressed and slipping into his night kimono was a trial of fumbling. Was Matsumoto usually this loud? He couldn't seem to remember; and another set of sounds, gasps and whimpers that had to be fairly loud to make it through the wall, made his head ache.

Lying down felt like going to his own execution, but he had to sleep. He had lived through these things hundreds of times already; he would fall asleep sooner or later.

Only, he didn't.

As time went on, he realised that the whimpers had been blessedly innocent. His face was burning and even burying himself under the pillow didn't release him from his agony. He knew them both well enough that his brain supplied him with vivid imagery. Then again, 'ah, higher… yess, just like that' didn't need too much of a push to turn into pictures in his mind.

He was only mortal, dammit! He couldn't take much more of this. What had come over him? Why couldn't he just ignore it? Either they were being inventive, or his brain heard noises that weren't even there.

They weren't exactly screaming, but to his agonized senses it sure felt like they were.

Breathless, heady, half-coherent whispers, laced with overtones of concentrated pleasure. Moans cut off mid-sound, filled with want, waking a completely alien, passionate need in him.

Just when he was starting to wonder if it would be worth the shame to knock on their door and tell them to please be silent… as if they'd heard his silent prayer, it was all over. There was some snickering and a few moans, but at least there were no more forsaken pleas, or in some cases commands, there were no more… damn. The pictures in his head just wouldn't go away.

The image of Karin, her smile, her skin, her movement, was somehow stuck on his retina. That was the whole problem. It wasn't even them; since he knew he felt nothing romantic for Matsumoto that might have made it easier, but no. It was just her and it was driving him insane.

It took him several hours to calm down enough to be able to sleep.

*

Hitsugaya awoke the next morning by someone knocking frantically on his door.

"Taichou! Taichou, are you there?!"

"Yes Matsumoto, no need to panic." He sighed and rose. He had been right about the dreams. There would be dark shadows under his eyes; it had not been a night's restful sleep.

"Taichou!" She sounded offended. "When you're out all morning on Paperwork Day I think I have enough reason to panic!"

"All…"

It couldn't be! He never slept longer than Matsumoto! Hitsugaya didn't even stop to change into shihakusho before stumbling out of bed and shoving the door open wide. The sun was high in the sky. Matsumoto was definitely up.

"Taichou, you look terrible, what happened?"

"Rough night." It wasn't until it had slipped from his lips that he realised how bad that sounded. Rangiku's mouth fell open in surprise.

"Taichou…"

"I'm sorry, Matsumoto. I shouldn't take it out on you." Let her think it's nothing, please let her think it's nothing.

"Oh, right. Don't worry, taichou."

Paperwork Day. Perfect.

*

Some days later…

It was the middle of the night when Hitsugaya woke up. His blood was pounding in his ears, the sweat running in little streams down his face. Again. This was the fourth night since Matsumoto and Kurosaki had set his world afire. Every night since, he had been having uncontrollable, realistic dreams. Every morning, it had been harder to explain things away; he knew Matsumoto was just refraining from bringing it up because she hadn't quite forgotten his first slip the morning after.

"Damn."

He wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight. Still tired out of his mind, Hitsugaya pulled himself up straight and walked to the office, where he slumped sleepily in his chair. It couldn't go on like this.

A couple of hours later he was sleepily leafing through the papers on his desk. It wasn't even close to dawn yet. What day was it, even? Then out of nowhere, the door flew open and a shadow stumbled drunkenly into the light.

"Matsumoto!"

She looked completely out of it. Rising as quickly as he could, he hurried to her side. Foolish Matsumoto, drinking more than she should.

"T-…taichou, how nice to see you!" Then she went down like a dead in his arms.

It was really, really lucky that he had grown. If she had fallen on him like this fifty years ago, he would have been practically crushed under her and 'the twins', as she had so fondly named her chest.

"Matsumoto, wake up! Argh."

He had just about managed to pull her over to the couch and get her settled on it when someone came after her.

"Rangiku-san? You do realise that Toushiro will eat your heart out if you fall asleep drunk and drool all over the… oh, hi Toushiro."

"Kurosaki." He sounded tense. Actually, if he'd been anyone it would have been tense. From his viewpoint, he sounded like he had a sizeable turtle stuck to his vocal chords.

"What's up? You look like shit." She paused for a moment. "Thanks for the help with Rangiku, she got kind of smashed."

"I noticed." Why wouldn't his voice recover? Damn. Damn it all to Heuco Mundo and back. He was acting like a recruit on his first mission.

"Seriously Toushiro, are you okay?" Just staying still as she walked up to him was a feat. When she reached out to touch his forehead he couldn't help but jerk away.

"I'm fine. It's nothing to worry about. You go back out and have fun, Matsumoto can sleep here." There. That had sounded almost acceptable. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to appease the awoken beast.

"Don't be stupid. I'm your friend, I can tell something's wrong. Are you worried I'll have told anyone? I wouldn't do that to you." The frown on her face was a smaller version of Ichigo's. Unfortunately, thinking that didn't make her more like Ichigo and less like herself. "You're sweating, stop being such a hardass and sit down so I can check you over." He was beginning to feel almost panicky about this as he kept slipping away from the touch of her slender hands. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"Will you leave me be just this one day?"

His command had been harsher than intended. She looked really worried now.

"Toushiro… you do realise I haven't even seen you since we had tea together and that's several days ago? And before that is was a whole week."

"I know." He'd have to go to Fourth for strained muscles after this, the way her presence made him tense up.

A strawberry blonde head poked up over the back of the couch, Rangiku's timing impeccably horrible, as always.

"I think someone's been running around taichou's dreams, Karin-chan!" The insane giggle that followed was very typical of a drunken Matsumoto. "He's been acting weird for days and he won't even tell me what's up." She pouted for a moment before gliding back down and resuming an earthshaking snore.

Hitsugaya had never felt the need to "sink through the earth" and just be gone out of someone's sight, as people called it. It hadn't been an issue… before now. Karin's stare, gaping like an idiot, made it an issue.

"Matsumoto's drunk, she doesn't know what she's talking about."

"So what is your problem, then?" She sounded sceptical.

"I…" Maybe the only way he'd get out of the problem was to tell the truth about hearing them. If she understood that part, maybe the rest could stay hidden. "The wall between my room and Matsumoto's isn't exactly soundproof." They stared wordlessly at each other for an awkward moment. "Excuse me, I'll go now."

"Wa-… wait!"

So maybe he could be an asshole when necessary, but at some point he had been brought up well. Instinctively, his feet stopped at her request.

"Yes?"

"I've heard Matsumoto talk about stuff… about how you've got an almost magical knack for knowing when she's got someone over."

"Yes?"

"If she doesn't know how… if you've never…" He could almost hear how the all-too-intelligent little cogs in her head put two and two together.

There was an intense silence. He could have sworn there'd be sparks in the air, if he turned to look at her. He needed to get back, where he had a chance at not going insane. All he could think about was steering clear of this place as soon as possible. Given time, this foolishness would pass.

Then he felt it. A light touch on his back, making him jolt. Even though he steeled himself, the next touch still made him twitch.

"You're so tense. 'Fess up, Toushirou, you're just mortal with the rest of us."

"I have no interest in fooling around, mortal or no." That should be enough. A few steps brought him to the door.

"Who said anything about fooling around?"

"Isn't that your… game? Your friend in the warehouse, Matsumoto…"

"You could never be anyone's toy, Toushiro."

Suddenly, she was so close; he could feel her breath on his neck. It was all crumbling down; control, willpower, sanity… then she touched his back again and his treacherous lips let out a low-pitched groan:

"Karin, don't."

"Eiji was an idiot. He wasn't even very passionate, in the end. Matsumoto's special. You know that. She's brilliant, but she's just a friend."

"So you're looking for passion?"

"Well, I suppose. When I was alive, I was content with being a loner. It was okay that my family; Ichi, Yuzu… that they were the only ones who'd miss me when I went. I got a new chance to try stuff out when I came here, so I decided to do that. I suppose it's changed me, but it's not like I needed to play around. I've just been looking for… someone."

"Someone?"

"Don't try to act so tough. I've been looking for someone cool enough that I can stand being around them for more than just a few days at a time. I haven't been very lucky, and ever since I met Rangiku-san, every time I'd complain about someone acting like an idiot she'd just go on about how perfect her taichou was."

"I'm not perfect."

"Okay, so maybe you're not. You're tearing yourself to pieces over what? Because you don't want to have feelings like the rest of us? Or do you secretly hate me? What is it, Toushiro, 'cause I seriously can't understand why you do this shit."

"I don't have time for this."

"You have all the time in the world. Why are you hurting yourself?"

"I'm not a random trophy."

There was silence for a while after that. If he hadn't heard her breathing, he might have thought she'd gone altogether. After a while, like the sound of ice cracking…

"I can't believe you're such an ass. If you want to keep pushing that stick further up your spine, go ahead. I'm out of here. There must be someone in this place who cares about more than their petty friggin' pride."

"Are you insinuating…"

"I'm saying that if you think all I'm after is collecting trophies, then I hope you choke on your own guts."

How had it come to this? He needed to somehow… do something… before it was too late. Finally, he turned around.

"Karin…" But she had already gone, like a sunset that had passed all too quickly and now all that was left was the darkness.