Edward *Pain*
Twilight.
The end of another day and the return of the night, the only real way to notice time for us. I leaned with my arms resting against both sides of the window frame staring at the fading horizon in what had been my room for the past year or so. Tomorrow we would start the boring routine and in preparation for it Alice and Jasper had gone hunting, Rosalie and Emmet joining them, since they started college the same day. They didn't bother to ask me anymore; they had long gotten used to my solitude and avoided me as much as I avoided them.
So here I was lost in my thoughts, replaying every moment spent with her, torturing myself. The first time I laid eyes on her beautiful face…. How I almost killed her that first day in biology class…. When I saved her life when Tyler lost control of his vehicle that early school morning…. How she kept true to her word, not revealing to anyone what exactly had happened behind that van….The way I was drawn to her, and when I finally gave up avoiding her altogether…. How I felt every time she spoke my name, even when she was totally aggravated with me….. Her smell, her touch… her kiss.
Damn my immortality! If I was human, I would be with her, we would be together and no harm would ever come her way. I was pacing back and forth now.
Yeah dream on! If I was human, I would have never met her, never had the chance to look into those chocolate pools that are her eyes, or be witness to the way her cheeks flushed beautiful scarlet red. No it was my being immortal that led me to her and it was my love for her that made me realize I HAD to leave her. She deserved better, someone she could share all the beautiful things a human life has to offer, someone who would age with her. Someone that would never put her in danger just by their own existence. Yes, she must have that, its best for her and although she may not realize that now, she will one day when she has fulfilled her human life to peaks of its potential. But …maybe I could peek in? I could be in Forks tonight, and see how she is? Make sure she is ok. What if she is ill? It can't hurt to look, no one would notice me. I could just wait until the whole town sleeps, run on foot to ensure no mistakes.…NO! No, this was your decision Edward! Stick to it. It must be as if I never existed, and that means I have to let her go. I HATE THIS!!!!! Damn it!
I punched the wall, immediately regretting that decision, not that Esme would say anything to me... Not that anyone would.
I walked to my leather couch and settled into a sitting position, resting my head against it, looking at the ceiling. The hunting party had ended and I could hear Rosalie and Emmett running up to their room, her giggling and he playfully growling at her, no doubt ready to get a start on their nightly routine.
UGH
I reached to a small table beside the couch and grabbed my I-pod, not caring what play list it came on, just glad to have something to drown all that racket. And there I sat, motionless, until the sun came up.
This is really starting to get old. How I wish that I could do away with all the pretending already. But I couldn't be selfish Carlisle and Esme had done so much for over for almost a century now that I owed to make an effort. It's not like attending High School classes would kill me.
Ha! If only it were that easy.
I got up from the leather sofa and pulled my I-pod earphones off and threw the thing onto the same place I was just sitting. I was never a fan of I-pods but ever since I came back from Alaska I found it to become almost a necessity. It was the only way to block out all of their thoughts, and nightly activities. I was so sick of all of them worrying about me, wondering when I was going to snap. Well all of them but one, Rosalie could care less about my feelings but she was always a self centered bitch so of course this was no surprise.
I grabbed a hanger that had a pair of navy blue slacks and another where a long sleeve collared dress shirt hung neatly pressed. Who needed dry cleaners when you had an all too eager mother figure? I changed into my clothes grabbing a red tie from my dresser drawer and headed downstairs.
I had just turned the corner into the living when her hissing thoughts made me turn around and head towards the garage.
Idiot!
Rosalie was already getting on my nerves, thank my lucky starts that her and Emmett had graduated last year, but she was right to be upset with me, as a matter of fact they all did. I single handedly brought turmoil into our home, I had made us move suddenly and when I was around I was in a foul mood. Sometimes I wished I would have stayed away, dealt with my misery all alone, but Carlisle and Esme had made several trips to Alaska in hopes of convincing me to come home and I finally gave up. I would hurt no matter where I was, that was for sure.
I walked into the garage and noticed Carlisle's Mercedes and Esme's mini coupe were both already gone. I figured Carlisle had either left early for the hospital or he hadn't made it home yet. But where could Esme have gone to so early?
I got in my Volvo and turned my stereo on a setting low enough to allow Chopin to become background noise and on and settled in the driver's seat. Alice and Jasper arrived only seconds later, with Alice climbing in the back seat.
"Where's Esme?" I asked looking at Alice through the rearview mirror as I pulled out of the garage.
She starts teaching at the University today, she replied without a sound a little startled at the sound of my voice. But then her second thought was full of irritation in it. What …are we talking now?
"Hmm I had forgotten all about that."
That's not the only thing you have forgotten about! You forgot that she was my friend, that I loved her too! For crying out loud Edward, you are such a selfish ass!!!
This was the most I had heard of her in a long time. Alice was practically screaming her thoughts at me, freeing all the frustration she had suppressed the past several months.
"Whatever Alice." I growled back, steering the Volvo onto the highway, letting my foot punch the gas pedal until we reached a speed of 125 mph.
"Uhm, will someone clue me in? I'm not very good at filling in the blanks of a one sided conversation," Jasper said, he glanced at me then back towards Alice, and back to me again.
"Alice called me selfish for forgetting how she felt about ...........Bella." It was hard saying her name out loud; it only intensified the pain I felt.
"NO!" She screamed from the back seat. "I called you selfish for not allowing me to MAINTAIN a relationship with her. Just because you didn't want her doesn't mean I didn't. You didn't let me at least say goodbye and then you won't let me even try to see her future, to make sure she is ok." She turned her face towards the window. " Not that I can do that anymore anyway." her voice got really low as she spoke that last sentence.
"Damn it Alice! You've gotten it all wrong. Can't you see?! She almost DIED because of me, because of what I am. Not once, but twice!! She is better off if she has no association to any of us!" Just then I realized what her murmur was at the end of her response. I slammed on the brakes causing the car to fish tail for a second or two. In a matter or milliseconds, I was pulling her out of the back seat of the Volvo.
"What did you say?!" I growled, my face within inches of hers.
"EDWARD!" Jasper was pulling me away from her, just as he let a sudden calming mood around me. "Come on, bro." But I was too angry to feel the full effect of it; all it managed to do was drop my anger down a notch.
"You have been looking at visions of her?" I was standing in the middle of the highway now, keeping my distance so I wouldn't pounce on her.
She only looked back at me, half frightned to see me behave this way towards her, half angry ready to attack if needed be.
"I asked you...NO! ....I ordered you to leave-her-alone!" I took extra time pronouncing each word, in a loud hateful voice. I let myself drop to the ground, sitting with my knees in front of me, hands at my head, fingers pulling at my hair. Anger had turned to curiosity "And how come I never saw your thoughts of her?" I let out in a low whisper.
Jasper took a stance between us blocking my view from her, worried that I would get in her face again, or worse.
"I've lost her…. I can't see her anymore; it's been so long I'm not in tune with her…I think." She replied at the same time she was thinking - You were gone at first, and then when you came back you kept yourself isolated in your room. I tried to think of other things when you were around, I guess that's how.
Just then she allowed herself to remember what she had seen, Bella laying forest for hours not moving, not responding to the voices that called her name. I had been mistaken; the last ten months had not been hell, seeing how much pain I had caused her with my lies, THAT was hell. The pain that had dwelled in me was now intensified and was almost unbearable. I rolled onto the ground and curled in a ball, if I could cry I would be sobbing unstoppably. I felt Jasper's hands on my shoulders, as he tried to easy my agony, and once again he was only able to minimize it by a little.
Minutes passed by and I regained my composure, finally able to get back in the car to finish our drive.
I hate to see him like this, to feel him this way. I can't bear it, I can't help him. Jasper was thinking to himself as we were pulling onto the school parking lot.
I ignored his thought, I felt ashamed of loosing control some odd miles back. What had Alice said about not seeing Bella anymore? Did she mean she was … hurt? No that couldn't be it, not seeing her was a result of the emotional distance between them. That's got to be it, but I couldn't shake the off the fear that she might be in trouble, or worse.... that she had ceased to exist.
