DIARY OF A SVEN

Chapter Two – Tar Barrels and Shagpile Rugs

-JukeboxLovechild

Excerpts from Sven's diary, translated from the original Swedish/madperson into English, for your benefit. Sven is staying in England with family friends, the Robinsons, and going to Foxwood (in the year above the Barmy Army). James is the Robinsons' son, and not Gee's incestuous cousin.


Friday 23rd July

5:00 pm

Went with the Ace Gang to their candlelight vigil underneath Georgia's window last night. I'd made a little paper hat especially for the occaision, which is what we do in Sweden when someone goes to New Zealand to raise elks. We sang, at least until the neighbours' dogs started yelping and whimpering, and then they complained about the noise (the neighbours, not the dogs). Then Jas said "I'm going to stay silently here all night," but G was beginning to look a little teary-eyed, so I said "Chips now." And we went off and had chips.

A moment later

We sang a song in French that the Gang are currently learning at school. We had to do it last year. 'Mon Merle a Perdu une Plume'.

A moment later

'My Blackbird Has Lost a Feather'. Which is fair enough, but why don't they teach us something practical? Something we can actually use if ever we go to France?

A moment later

Like 'My Reindeer's Coat is Malting'.

A moment later

Or 'Somebody Fetch a Fire Extinguisher, My Light-Up Flares Have Caught Alight'.

A moment later

I wonder if I can use that in a routine? Dance with my trousers ablaze?

6:15 pm

Set the smoke alarm in the kitchen off, burned one of Mrs Robinson's chaircovers and ruined a perfectly good pair of flares. Hmm. It needs work.

Friday 6th August

Saw Rosie earlier. Her fringe was all singed and short. I wonder if she accidentally burnt it in Valborgsmassoafton (ceremonial Viking fire)? They can be pretty dangerous. Thor, thinking about that very nearly makes me homesick. I kind of miss dressing up in furs and horns and helmuts, carrying burning torches through the streets, and setting fire to replica longboats…

Saturday 11th September

9:00 pm

Had tea with Rosie and parents at hers. I think it went quite well.

Wednesday 15th September

8:15 pm

Rosie and I had a falling out. I'm not sure what we're fighting about, but I think it has to do with Saturday.

8.20 pm

Did I do something wrong?

8:30 pm

I thought I conducted myself with much grace and aplomb. And I had to go through half of London before I found a suitable tar barrel to present them with, as is Norse tradition.

8:35 pm

Not to mention finding actual tar.

8:37 pm

Although maybe I should have exercised more care when leaping up from the couch to start dancing, and not spilt half of it on their shagpile rug.

8:45 pm

I must win Rosie back.

Thursday 16th September

5:10 pm

Ah, it all becomes clear(ish)! Went next door and gave them the money to get the rug drycleaned. Mr and Mrs Mees, I thought, were quite pleased and touched, but Rosie still seemed a bit stand-offish. She said that she wasn't mad about the tar, but what I'd said to her parents.

5:22 pm

Thinking about what I said.

5:25 pm

There's nothing offensive about "It is gut to meet you, you wild und groovy hepcat und chickie". Is there?

5:45 pm

Went through the evening's events with James. He seems to think it might have been the "Thank you for your daughter, she is, how you say? Jah... a great snog," that did it.

I told him, I don't understand, it's a compliment, but he said it was best to avoid all snogging talk when it came to meeting parents. Also, he mentioned, Rosie's folks might have the impression that I'm not entirely normal.

"That," he said wisely, "is what happens when you learn your English from watching Austin Powers."

5:50 pm

He's probably right.

5:52 pm

I'm going to show Rosie how sorry I am. I will prove my love the only way I know how.

5:55 pm

Knitting her a colourful nose-wamer. If this doesn't work, I might need a quick visit to the fishmarket. And some ice.

Saturday 18th December

12.00 pm

No, she forgave me, and all is right with the world.

1:00 pm

I still might visit the fishmarket anyway, just for a few herrings for personal use.

Sunday 26th December

8:30 pm

Was over at Rosies's easlier. Her parents seem to have gotten over the 'your daughter is a great snog' incident. Especially since I knitted them nose-warmers to match the one I made for RoRo. In fact, I think they look upon me quite favourably now.

8:35 pm

At least, Rosie's dad has stopped referring to me as 'that Swiss lunatic'. Which I took much offense to.

8:37 pm

I'm Swedish.

Wednesday 29th September

5:30 pm

Going to see The Stiff Dylans at some club tonight. Rosie and I made up a special dance for the occaision. It's called 'the phone box'. It involves being in a actual phone box, shuffling around, lots of yelling, a little tap dancing for good measure, and then for the finale: pretending to strangle yourself with the phone cord.

It's quite an achievement; Odin himself would be proud. We called Rosie's friends, Georgia and Jas, at Jas's house and gave them a preview. I think that they were suitably impressed.

Thursday 30th September

3:30 am

We went back home after that, and got ready. I wore my good silver flares to commemmorate the launch of 'the phone box' on the world.

We found Georgia and Jas in the queue outside and joined them. I was doing some warm up twists and shouts and we were towards the front of the line when Georgia quietly said to Rosie, Jas and I, "Be really cool."

Sensing that we needed a stealthy, inconspicuous approach to get in the door, I picked her up in one arm, ushered Rosie and Jas with the other, and said to the bouncers "Gut evening, I have the bird in the hand and one in the bushes, thank you!" They took a bit of a step back, and glanced at one another - amazed by our maturity and coolness, I suppose.

The club was swinging. Rosie and I showed off 'the phone box'. It was a wild success, even if we didn't actually have a phone box to dance in. Georgia and Jas joined us after a bit, followed by some bloke named Dave the Laugh. We did some very groovy boogying, even if I do say so myself.

Friday 8th October

8.30 pm

Rosie and I have just been practising our Surprised! expressions. Apparently, our new mission in life is to follow Georgia and Dave the Laugh around whenever they go out together, 'accidentally' run in to them and then be shocked to see them, even though we were following them in the first place. I'm not entirely sure why, but we snog a lot, and I'm allowed to wear combat flares, big sunglasses, a fake nose and a moustache, so I don't mind.

Sunday 10th October

11.00 am

Off to the cinemas with Rosie to snog, and be surprised. And perhaps to do some spontaneous Cassock dancing, if the mood takes us. Who knows?


There you have it - It's Okay, I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers, from Sven's pov. Cheers for reading! Knocked Out By My Nunga-Nungas will be up nearly as soon as I can get a copy! Pip pip.