"I long . . . to be in the midst of the whirl and rush of humanity, to share its life, its change, its death, and all that makes it what it is. But alas!"
I was silent for half of the walk home. I was…not right. I had literally lost control of myself. I couldn't even remember the time right after the mountain lion landed on my head to the moment I realized I was killing it. It was as if someone else had taken over. As if I was a puppet or as if I was possessed. By the demon lady.
"I'm a monster." Or I have one in me. I stepped over a root. The scenery was getting green again. I didn't like it this time.
"But," Carlisle replied kindly, "you are not evil."
I ruminated over this for a while. "If I'm not evil, does that mean I'm good?"
He stopped walking for a moment and turned around to look at me. "Good? I think anyone is capable of being good. It what you do that makes you good, not who, or what you are." And then kept walking.
"How is drinking blood good?" I scoffed.
"It may not be normal, but who's to say it is not good, if it is an animal we are killing. Humans do that. They eat chickens and cows and deer. We are doing the best we can considering circumstances. Instead of doing what is easy, and unfathomably more delicious and satisfying, we feed off of animals. Instead of letting circumstance shape the way we live, we strive to see human life as just as valuable as a vampire's. "
"But I live through the death of something else, I…salivate when I smell blood. How could I be a good person?"
"I have faith in you." He stopped walking again, and sat down on a stump. His face turned very serious and he leaned over very stiffly and quirked an eyebrow.
"Patience, patience, doctor. I believe in this monster, as you call it. And if you don't, well, you must leave me alone. " He said in a posh British accent and then laughed. I recognized the quote from Frankenstein and laughed a little and leaned heavily against a tree. It definitely bent.
"But Frankenstein's monster ended up killing everyone." I said it as a bit of a joke, but it came out and stung. We grew silent again. I looked away. Was that it? Was I to become just another Frankenstein. Or Dracula?
"You are right, that was not the best example. What I am trying to say is that I have faith in my family, you and I and Edward, all of us. I believe that we still have a chance at life. I believe that, as long as we live a 'good' life, to the best of our abilities, we have our souls." He got up off the tree and began walking again.
Souls? That was weighty. I hadn't even thought about the issue that deeply. Souls. As in after-life. Wasn't this after life? Was there more life after eternal life on earth? My head began to spin. It was all too much.
We reached the perimeter of the house and Carlisle handed me a laced handkerchief. "You have a little," he pointed to the corner of his mouth, "just here."
I felt that if I had blood in my veins I would have blushed to Neptune. I took the perfectly white cloth, licked the corner of my mouth and scoured my chin as well.
"You are actually very clean considering that was the first time." He said as he patted my shoulder and turned us towards the door.
