A/N: I in no way condone or recommend self-mutilation or suicide; this is simply an exploration of where Rogue could have gone after Jean's death. Also, I have limited medical knowledge so please forgive any blatant mistakes.
ConsequencesCharles' head snapped back with the force of the voice that reverberated through his awareness. His mind was invaded and with a flash he saw Rogue in her bathroom and all that had led up to it. He immediately sought out the nearest senior member to her room.
Scott, get to Rogue's room, she's bleeding, hurry! Scott was startled by the sudden urgent intrusion and accompanying image but he instantly broke into a run. He didn't pause as he approached the door but blasted right through it and went straight to the bathroom.
What he saw made his stomach turn but he didn't hesitate in wrapping towels around her arms to staunch the flow of blood. He was alarmed when his bare hands brushed her skin and he didn't feel the sucking that Logan had once described. He took a second longer to throw her robe around her before he picked her up and ran towards the med lab.
Storm and the new doctor met him along the way. "What happened?" Storm asked.
"I think she tried to kill herself." Scott said, he was disturbed by the lack of blood coming form the deep wounds on her arms.
"She did." Charles' voice came from the med lab right in front of them. His voice was grim, as was his face and the glance he threw to Storm. She and the doctor were taking the robe off of the girl. Storm gasped at what she saw on the near-naked girl.
Old cuts lined both her thighs in long equally spaced stripes, similar marks decorated her left arm, some were fresh and some were quite old. The soles of her feet and her hands were stained with her blood but the rest of her body was completely clean. The two cuts on her left arm and the single one on her right were gaping and now only seeping. Scott averted his eyes.
The doctor snapped on his gloves and worked quickly, he applied temporary tourniquets above her cuts then inserted two IV's above those and got blood flowing into her. He put monitors on her and took her blood pressure. "Fifty over thirty." He mumbled. Next he inserted a central line and started a saline solution which he got Storm to squeeze.
Suddenly the monitors started to pulse quickly and the doctor leapt towards a new machine halfway across the room. He was on the way back when the monitors shrieked their high pitched single tone. Storm dropped the saline bag and started pushing the cold girls' chest in a near-frantic resuscitation attempt. "Clear" The doctor ordered and Storm stepped back.
Storm and Scott both jumped as Rogue's lifeless body jerked. The insidious tone blipped twice before shrieking failure yet again. She was shocked again, and again, and again. It went on for endless minutes before the blip stayed a blip. Storm relaxed her shoulders as the girls' pulse steadied and even slightly increased.
The doctor continued adding blood and fluids, checking and re-checking her vitals as he worked. He loosened the tourniquets and monitored the blood loss through the cuts. Once he was satisfied they were bleeding enough he flushed them with more saline and started to sew them up. He didn't bother with anesthetic since the Professor could keep her unconscious enough to not feel any pain. He worked swiftly, knowing that she might need plastic surgery in the future to lessen the ugly scars she would have if she survived.
Just as he finished her heart-rate skyrocketed and she had to be shocked several more times. "We should get Logan." Storm said.
"Not yet." Charles told her. The doctor started administering different drugs and he seemed satisfied after another twenty minutes. Scott was pacing and Storm was helping the doctor, but Charles was trying to identify the voice that had alerted him. It had seemed so familiar yet alien at the same time. He tried following the path it had created but he was blocked at every stage. Whenever a flicker would give him a frustrating clue it would be snuffed out. Finally he decided to worry about it later; he had a more pressing issue.
Finally the doctor spoke, "She's stable."
"Is she going to be ok?" Scott asked.
"That's hard to tell at this point, she lost a lot of blood, more than half in fact, and she was essentially dead several times. Her body will most likely heal though there could be permanent damage to her heart, lungs and brain."
The lab was quiet except for the sounds of the monitors. Charles probed carefully into Rogue's consciousness and left her to sleep. "Scott, go get Logan, Storm, come with me." Charles said as he wheeled towards the doors.
They left the doctor to monitor Rogue as they went towards their unpleasant tasks.
Scott found Logan in the Danger Room wondering why Storm hadn't shown up, he was even more surprised when Scott came in halfway through and ordered him to come with him. Logan would normally have ignored him but the look on his face told him not to. "What?"
"It's Rogue."
"What about her?"
"She's in the med lab." Logan just looked blankly at him so Scott continued, "She tried to kill herself."
"What? When?" Finally Scott saw some emotion cross the man's face.
"About two hours ago, the doctor says she's stable now."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"The Professor didn't want you there." Scott braced himself since it looked Logan was about to hit him but instead he turned and left. Scott sighed and followed him.
Charles led Storm to Rogue's room, past a few confused students and through the hole that used to be Rogue's bedroom door. Storm went into the bathroom and covered her mouth in horror at the blood-filled shower. When she came out Charles had a piece of paper in his hand which he handed to her wordlessly.
"We have failed her." Was all he said as Storm read the letter, tears showing in her eyes but not falling. "I don't know how, but I know what started this, she heard you and Logan in the garden after Jean's funeral, blaming her for Jean's death."
Storm remembered that conversation, she had been angry and looking for someone to blame, she didn't really blame Rogue, it was just an excuse to hide her own feelings of helplessness over what happened. Logan had spoken, 'Yeah, maybe you're right. She could have taken Jean's powers and sacrificed herself instead, but she didn't.' Storm had though he agreed with her but he had continued talking a moment later.
"And maybe it's The Professor's fault for only leaving me behind to guard the school, and mine for not defending it well enough. After all we never would have been there if not for rescuing the children. There's no place for blame in Jean's world you know." Storm had nodded finally, knowing he was right.
"Is this my fault?" She said as her eyes met his. He didn't answer for a while and Storm sat on the bed.
"No, not alone. It was all of ours, including Rogue's. We should have noticed how hard she was taking it. But I suppose most of us were more worried about Scott and Logan. I'm going to make an announcement later and I think we should make sure none of the other students are drowning and not asking for help." Charles took the note back from Storm.
"I don't like to look into peoples' mind uninvited, but perhaps I should have peeked just a little, it seems a teenaged girl, even one Rogue's age, can get lost at the slightest provocation."
"I need to apologize." Storm said, clearly anguished. Charles put his hand on hers.
"There will be time for that later. For now I think we need to deal with Logan." Storm laughed a little and this time her tears escaped. She followed the Professor down to the med lab where they found it to be eerily quiet.
Logan was standing over Rogue who was barely covered in a sheet across her torso. The old and new cuts on her body screaming out her now-public pain. Scott stood behind him, not sure what to do if Logan tried to touch her. He turned with relief when the Professor entered the room.
"Logan, can I speak to you outside please?" Logan didn't move so Charles asked him again, this time inside his head. Logan finally turned and followed him out of the room, running a hand through his hair. He handed Logan the note, Logan spoke before looking at it.
"Is she going to be all right?" Charles told him what had gone on in the lab. "Why didn't you come get me? She didn't have to go through all that." Logan's anger came from his feeling of helplessness.
"I'm not sure that's true Logan. I wouldn't have let her die but I'm also not going to exploit your mutation." In truth Charles was on he verge of calling Logan several times during the ordeal. Logan was trying to figure out what he was feeling when he remembered the paper in his hand.
By the time he was done reading he was blinking back tears. "I had no idea."
"None of us did." Charles decided not to tell Logan about Rogue overhearing his and Storm's conversation in the garden. Storm or Rogue would probably mention it at some point, and perhaps the swearing would be kept to a minimum if it came from one of them.
"I can heal her, I can make her better." The anguish in Logan's voice was hard to deny.
"No. Maybe later but not now. She needs to be confronted with what she's done and if her scars are gone it will be more like a memory than a reality."
"But you said you don't know how deep the damage goes. What if her heart stops again? What if she has brain damage? What if-?"
"Logan, if something happens that requires your mutation I assure you I will let you know. I do not intent to lose Rogue after all that's happened. Now we should let her rest."
"She's not in pain is she?"
"The doctor has her sedated for now, she shouldn't be feeling anything at all right now."
"I want to stay with her a bit longer."
"All right, but I want your word you won't touch her."
"I won't heal her." Charles knew that was the best he was going to get so he took the note from Logan and left.
Logan went to Rogue's side and stroked her hair. Then he put on a pair of latex gloves and traced every one of her cuts. "How did we miss this? How did I?" His voice was soft and he took her small hand, cupping it between his larger, and much warmer ones.
He bowed his head for a long time before replacing her hand next to her on the bed. She was too cold. Logan searched and soon found a couple of blankets, he draped them over her prone body and leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Come back to us Rogue. You were wrong, you're not in the way, we need you here. I need you here. I'm sorry we haven't talked. I thought you needed your space, you and Bobby and your friends. I thought I reminded you of all the bad things that happened. I'm sorry Rogue, we were both wrong. Come back, come back and we'll make it right."
Logan wanted to stay, but she really did need to rest, and between the machines and the doctor she was in good hands.
Rogue was inside her head, trying to slip into oblivion but something, no, someone, was keeping her awake.
"Why am I not dead?"
I warned The Professor.
"Why?" Somehow Rogue was unconcerned as to how the voice knew what was going on.
I couldn't let you die.
"Why not?"
He needs you.
"Who?"
The Wolverine.
"Logan? He doesn't need me, I was always in the way, in the way of all of them."
That is your perception.
Rogue shook her figurative head, "I'm too dangerous. Magneto nearly killed New York using me, Logan nearly died saving me. Jean did die saving all of us. Just touching me means death, even for Logan."
You have good to do in the world.
"How? I'm not a scholar, I'm not a fighter, my mutation-"
Has saved your life twice.
"And nearly killed Logan! How can I live with that?"
Others have lived with worse.
"Like killing the woman my best friend was in love with?"
Jean? She sacrificed herself willingly.
"She shouldn't have had to, I was the one that crashed the jet."
Stop being so selfish child! The voice was suddenly different, very angry and the weight of that voice made Rogue feel as though she would split into a million pieces. Your self-pity sickens me. Grow up!
"I'm sorry!" She cried out, not knowing she cried out in the night, not just her mind. The voice returned, the same that had woken her the first.
Yes, you are sorry, that is good, maybe with sorry comes awareness, and with that, healing.
"I'm going to live then?" Rogue wasn't sure she was okay with that.
Yes, you will, though there will be consequences.
"What if I don't want to live?" The voice chuckle and Rogue's heart froze as she recognized the voice. In the med lab the doctor looked up the heart monitor showed three unusual blips, signs her heart had inexplicably skipped. He sighed with relief, her muttering in her sleep and her strong heart-rate despite the unusual skips meant she would most likely recover fully.
I don't think Logan will give you that choice.
"He shouldn't do that, it's too dangerous."
We all do dangerous things when the people we love are concerned.
"Jean?"
Yes?
"Are you really dead?"
No Rogue, but no one else will know that yet. You will not remember.
"But I want to! I think I need to."
All right, you will remember this but not me.
"Jean?"
Yes?
"Thank you."
Goodbye Rogue.
