AN: Yay, first off, thanks for all the lovely reviews! I definately would not have had the nerve to write a second chapter without them so again, thank you! Secondly, and this is kind of strange, but this story is not going in quite the direction I thought it was going to be going in. For one thing, it actually has a plot and is not so much a mindless parody. For another thing, it's not completely a self insert. I tried to do it (and she is a lot like me) but I just couldn't make her exactly like me. So there ya go. But I still think it's going to be funny and even kind of exciting. Don't worry though... still no mindless, silly romances between the characters. Maybe just a bit of sexual tension, cause it's fun ;)

(Or perhaps a non-mindless, unsilly romance between characters? At this point, who knows?)

Lastly, please review! I'm horribly addicted to them. It's a bit embarrassing really.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from POTC, but this plot is my own.

The Damsel and the Distressed

Chapter Two

I closed my eyes and held my breath, waiting for the point where their hands would leave me and I would rush towards the cold bite of the water. For the first time that morning, since everything had begun, I felt like I was fully awake and that this could all be real. I was suddenly aware of everything: the sway of the ship as they walked, the grip of the pirates hands on my arms and thighs, even the cool touch of my locket that had been a gift from my dad against my chest. It was just a simple silver heart with a clasp that opened and room enough for a small picture, but I had never gotten around to putting one in it and with a pain I realized I might never have the chance. Because now it seemed I was hundreds of years in the past of a fictional world, about to fly over the edge of a boat into (what I could only assume) were shark-filled waters. So maybe a picture in a locket shouldn't have been on my list of priorities just then... it was still damn sad.

They had just pulled back in preparation of launching me over when a familiar voice broke through the jeers of the other pirates.

"Er wait," Jack said, swaying forward with his hands out. He had a familiar look on his face as he studied me for a second but then he smiled and it was all nonchalance. The men stopped, a few of them groaning, perhaps because they had been looking forward to throwing me over, perhaps because they were tired of holding me. I was too surprised to even struggle.

"Wot's yer name, love? Ye look familiar."

My mind raced, unsure. For some reason even I couldn't understand, I didn't want to tell him my real name.

"Aren't you going to ask if you've ever threatened me before?" I asked crossly. He smiled at me and gestured to the men to throw me over.

"Mary!" I shrieked, blurting the first name that came to my mind before they could toss me overboard. Inside, I winced. Yeah, and my middle name is Sue. "Mary Bennett."

"And where are ye from, Mary Bennett?"

He was stepping closer and closer now, and the men were moving to open up the circle so he could approach us closer still. The two who were holding my legs released me suddenly with unintelligible mutters and I would have fallen to the ground if it hadn't been for the two men still holding my arms. I searched for an answer in my mind, my head down and my thoughts overwhelmed, thinking: has the damn American Revolution even taken place yet? Is America even America yet? Christ I knew I should have listened in that stupid history class but it was just all pilgrims and puritans and stupid fucking turkeys and it was right before lunch and I was always hungry and sleepy in that class and the girl next to me always smelled bad and the boy two rows down from me was so cute and it was no wonder I couldn't pay attention I mean my GOD what did they expect from

The pirate on my left shook me sharply from my crazy thoughts.

"Answer the cap'n when he's speaking to ya lass, if you know wot's good fer ya!"

"Far away," I said stupidly. "Very far away. You've probably never even heard of it."

The group of men laughed and my face burned. Jack stepped closer still and bent down in front of me. He was still handsome in a dark kind of way but if I'm going to be completely honest... well, he didn't smell so great. And I don't mean in a "sexy but dirty" kind of way. I mean he smelled bad. In a "I haven't bathed in a few months" kind of way, and he probably hadn't.

But those thoughts left my mind abruptly when his hand came up and tangled itself in my long, brown hair. For a moment he looked thoughtful, then his gaze came up to the beauty mark above my lip on the left side, gazing at it for a long time and making me feel uncomfortable. When I was little I had hated it, but eventually over time I had grown to accept it and even like it a little. It made me unique. Well, almost. If you didn't count Cindy Crawford. And trust me when I say, that's the ONLY thing Cindy and I have in common.

"The cap'ns been in e'ry ocean in this world and then some," this pirate on my other side said, though he was clearly as confused to what Jack was doing as I was.

"I'm from England," I muttered finally, and Jack smiled again. He knew I was lying, I could see it in his eyes, but somehow he seemed satisfied with the lie. He righted himself once again, standing tall, and my head came up with him.

"Right then. The lass stays. I was in the market for a cook, as it were. Gibbs, I'll be needing a word with ye."

He sauntered away, the click of his boots and the jingle of the trinkets in his hair the only sound. All of us, even me, ESPECIALLY ME, were too shocked to move or speak. He turned back to look at us, turning in that way that made him look like a top about to fall over, and gestured to Gibbs with a quick, almost comical, jerk of the head. Gibbs moved quickly.

The men finally broke from their shock and began to yank me back towards the stairs, grumbling the whole way. A few feet off to the right (you couldn't get very far away on a ship, I was learning) Captain Jack and his first mate were having a whispered conversation. The former gestured wildly to us before they could take me back downstairs to the brig, effectively stopping the men once again.

"To me cabin men. I'll be having a bit of a word with the lass." His eyes flickered up at me and once again I caught that familiar gleam in his eyes. And that was it. I recognized it. It was the same look he had given Will Turner in the movie when he'd realized who his father was. There for a second, then gone. And in its place now was one of his trademark grins.

The pirates dragged me to the Captain's quarters not far away, fear and surprise making my body feel limp. I sat on the bed and let them lock the door behind them without a struggle. Two thoughts were overwhelming in my mind, stomping around like giants until all others had been trampled beneath them, until all that remained was: who the hell did he think I was? And Will he kill me when he finds out he's wrong?


I am not a patient person. I have never been a patient person. I don't even like patient people as a personal rule of mine.

And now he was making me wait, and I was dying.

So I waited for a while, just standing there in the room, thinking and trying to tell myself to not do anything stupid, anything to get myself in a worse mess than I already was. But like Alice said when she fell down the rabbit hole, I often give myself very good advice, but I seldom ever follow it. So after just a fewminutes of waiting patiently, I found myself going through the good Captain's belongings. Anything to take my mind off of the fact that he obviously thought I was someone else, someone important, who he needed and couldn't be allowed to be thrown off a ship. Not wanting to think that instead I was very much a stranger and thoroughly unimportant, and sure to be of little use to him. Not wanting to admit to myself that there might be no getting out of this one.

There was a desk against the far wall, and the first drawer in it was filled with a variety of useless objects: a few broken quill pens with some empty ink wells, various trinkets and trash, and some scraps of parchment, all crumpled up. The next drawer was marked "Emergency Use," and was filled with rum. The last drawer was empty except for a small knife and one more crumpled piece of paper. On impulse, I pulled the paper out of the drawer and smoothed it out so I could read it. In a messy scrawl, almost illegible from ink smudges and even a few bloody fingerprints, read the words:

The way to the treasure is through her heart.

My head shot up at the sound of footsteps outside the door and I quickly stuffed the parchment back in the drawer. I was sitting on the bed, my heart trembling and my hands sweating in fear, when the Captain walked through the door to his cabin.

He swayed in, taking the time to pull off his hat and throw it on the desk, promptly ignoring me as his hands moved to take his jacket off as well. I sat there as he pulled it off, waiting for him to say something to me, anything, not wanting to speak out and draw unnecessary attention to myself that might get me thrown overboard. He didn't speak. My heart began to hammer somewhere near my throat as his hands moved to the buttons on his white (well, it had once been white anyway) shirt and I finally opened my mouth to try to speak.

" 'scuse me," I said, but it came out as a croak. He was now kicking his boots off while finishing off the buttons. "Erm..." I tried again, as one boot was flung across the room and banged against the wall. But then I saw it, when he turned to pull the boot off, just a flash of his face. He was smiling! He was trying to make me uncomfortable! I stood quickly, my face blazing.

"Hey Demi Moore, save the striptease for someone else!"

Well that didn't make any sense; I wasn't even sure why I'd said it. Nevertheless, it got his attention. He turned to me, feigning ignorance.

"Well hello love, forgot ye were there," he said, smiling widely. I looked at him, my mouth gaping, my mouth opening and closing likea fish. Finally I found the ability to speak again.

"You are so full of shit, straight up to your eyeballs!" I snarled, pointing; it was something my dad would have said. Jack just smiled harder.

"Aye, that's why they're brown." Now his smile faded slightly, forming into a different kind of smile, one that made me uncomfortable. His other shoe fell from his hand and landed with a loud thud that echoed in the quiet. I shifted backwards, my knees hitting the bed.

"But ye shouldn't be talking about liars and the such, Miss Bennett from England."

There was a dangerous undertone to what he said and I looked at him, not sure what to say. Finally I lifted my head defiantly, staring at him right in the eye. So I was a bad liar, I knew that, but I also knew that the only way I was going to make it out of this alive was for him to continue to think I was whoever he had originally thought. The only way I could do that without knowing who I was supposed to be acting like was to be defiant, to pretend like I had something to hide. I sat on the bed calmly.

"So maybe I'm a liar and a hypocrite then," I said, and forced myself to smile calmly. Now he really looked pleased.

"If that be the case, then yer on the right ship," he said laughing, and turned away, going back to the business of taking his shirt off. "We'll be landing in Tortuga tonight. AnaMaria has some clothes for ye." He spared me a glance at my top but it had dried while I was waiting for him and was no longer see-through. Still, the lack of sleeves must have been quite scandalous in that time. "As much as I like the clothes ye have on now, we can't be letting the men think our new cook is a common strumpet can we?"

I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster, and really, it wasn't that hard. He caught my glare and smiled as he moved to pull on a (very slightly) cleaner shirt, opening his arms in welcome and exposing his chest to me in between the spaces he hadn't buttoned yet.

"Welcome to the Black Pearl love!" he said merrily, and reached for the rum drawer. He stopped when he noticed the bottom drawer slightly ajar, looking up at me without surprise. I shifted on the bed, feeling my pulse race.

I was really going to have to learn how to keep myself out of trouble.