Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 8 or it's characters. Maybe one day! If Squaresoft would be ever so kind?

Warnings: Yaoi, shounen-ai, bl, man on man action! not yet though AND A TONNE OF ANGST!

I'm so slow to update! I'm sorry! I got Norwalk Virus. You don't know what it is to be sick, until you've thrown up for 13 hours straight. It was AWFUL. Like, I have lacerations in my throat from throwing up so fucking much. Not fun. Anywhos, on with the chapter!

This is a really important chapter to understand the basis of my story, if you don't understand something please ask me!


Seifer wandered across a foggy landscape. He knew this was a dream. He knew it. And yet, he couldn't seem to wake up.

'What is this place?' He asked himself, finding a shallow pool amid the constant white.

'It is whatever you want it to be!' A voice said.

Seifer spun around and came face to face with a little girl. She looked ... etheral. She had long white hair that was spun into a braid, almost white skin, and she was wearing a white dress. However, the thing that caught Seifer's attention the quickest was her eyes. They were blood red. They looked at him with such curiosity, and yet, Seifer was reminded of a different blood. The blood that had stained his hands the night before.

He looked down. His hands were once again covered in blood, dripping into the water. Seifer looked back at the girl in disbelief. She merely looked back at him inquisitively. He stared at his hands again, before running forward to the water. He placed his hands in the water, scrubbing them furiously. He took them out of the water, they were still covered! He looked into the crystaline pool, where he saw remnants of the previous blood disappating. He tried again, staring intently at his hand, they looked clean in the water, but when he took them out, the where bloody again.

'What the fuck is going on?! Why won't my hands come clean?!' He yelled, turning to the girl with his hands out.

She ran foreward with a small smile, placing her hands under his. The blood didn't run onto her hands, it just seemed to go through her.

'You are guilty' She said simply standing once more and walking to the edge of the water.

'What do you mean?!' Seifer asked following her, slightly fearful, as though he already knew the answer.

The little girl looked up at him, then back to the water. She placed one foot over the water and stood on it. Seifer gasped slightly as she walked to the middle of the pool, feet just touching the surface of the water.

'What do you mean.' Seifer whispered.

It started to rain, droplets running down his face. Or were they tears? He didn't know.

The small girl turned. 'Look into the water.'

Seifer did as asked, and backed away slowly, a bloodied hand covering his mouth. The pool was blood. The deep rich colour seemed to be looking into him, challenging him. It rippled under her feet.

Her smile disappeared from her face, left with only a cold, clinical expression.

"Blood never comes off of guilty hands."

It started to thunder in the distance.

Rain pounded down on him.


Seifer jolted forward as he woke, his mind racing. He quickly regretted doing so, as his ribs screamed in protest and he gingerly set himself back down.

He opened his eyes and saw the cold face of Squall, a couple feet to his right. He tried to open his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a croak, which immediatly became a coughing fit, further agrivating his ribs.

He placed his arms around his midsection and winced at the pain as he continued to cough. He felt something cold hit his lips and lifted one of his hands to grab the glass of water that Squall had brought to him.

When he was finished he whispered a thank you and lay back down, closing his eyes. He didn't want another person's sympathy. I don't deserve any caring that anyone has for me. It was all my fault, I could've done something, but I didn't. It's always me. That girl... spoke the truth. He heard retreating footsteps and let out a sigh as he heard Squall shut the door.

He curled his body up as much as his injuries would allow, and closed his eyes as a small stream of tears ran from his eyes.


Squall walked over to Dr. Kadowaki, who looked extremely tired. Repairing Seifer's ribs had taken a long time, as many were fractured in more than one place. Her face was drawn and there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked up as he stepped closer.

"He's awake?"

Squall nodded.

"Good, he can take a potion now that the bones are set. His physical injuries should be healed completely within the week." She said, sending one of the nurses off to do so before standing up and re-filling her cup of coffee.

"Preparations for Raddins?" Squall asked, using as little words as he could think of.

She sighed. "His funeral is set for tomorrow, in the main hall. Tilmit is looking after most of that. I assume you will be there as well."

"Hnn." It's not like he would choose not to go, but he did have to. As the Commander of Balamb Garden, it was his duty. He wondered how Seifer would fare, undoubtly he would go too, but what about the other people in the boy's group? He would have to keep an eye on them to make sure nothing happened.

He turned to leave, but stopped when he felt a hand on his arm.

"Squall, I need to ask something of you." She looked very worried. Never a good sign.

"Yes?"

"It's about Seifer. He seems to have suffered some horrible physcological damage. My belief is that because of the awful situation of what happened he is starting to relive what he did to everyone during the Sorceress' War. He's basically being forced to come to terms with everything that he has done. As you may have seen in there, he is showing chronic depression. He's only been here for 3 days, but he barely eats, never speaks, and he isn't getting rest no matter how much he sleeps."

Squall looked directly to her as she continued to talk about the symptoms. Reliving everything? Oh god. Seifer... but in a sense, I suppose that's karma, wait what the fuck? I don't want him to hurt do I?! No, Squall decided, he didn't. He loved Seifer. As much as he tried to suppress the feeling, he knew it was true. He had always loved him. When he was still with them. But when he left, oh god, when he left to go to Ultimecia? It had literally burned his soul. Not that he would have ever told him about his feelings, but at least there was always a slim hope, until that day. Then he had to fight against him, to which he put all of his fury and feelings of betrayal into the battle, but inside he couldn't believe what was happening.

Over the years, his heart had built up an icy wall to protect itself so that would never happen again. If it did, Squall knew he could never survive. It was too much to bear.

Since Seifer came back, he'd kept up his iciness because he refused to allow himself to fall in love again. Though when he saw Seifer bloodied on the ground, he tried to convice himself that the reason his heart had jumped hadn't been because he cared.

But you can't do something again if you haven't stopped the first time, all you can do is run from it. And that's exactly what Squall has been doing. Avoiding the firey knight at all costs. Barely speaking to him. Eventhough, inside he wanted to yell, he wanted to scream at him for leaving, for hurting him thise way, but... that would tell him of his feelings. That would leave him vulnerable once more, and he couldn't take that risk.

"Squall?"

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Look, I know that you have a lot on your plate already, but I need someone to watch out for Seifer for a couple of days. I'm worried that he may do something foolish in his depression if he is left alone."

"Why me?" Squall started to panic, there was no way he could, he couldn't be that close to Seifer!

"You appear to be the only one he remains in contact with, scarce though it may be." Was it just him, or did her voice have a subtle hint of accusation in it? "Look Squall, no one else will take him, and I really don't want to deal with two deaths in one week.

That made Squall's heartbeat quicken. The thought of Seifer killing himself would be worse than if he had betrayed him again.

He gritt his teeth. "Alright, I will do it."

"To be warned, he is extremely prone to anxiety attacks, which you will just have to wait out if they happen. I'm giving you the week off to watch over him. He's been having nightmares too, but he refuses to speak to anyone," She gave a ironically grim smile, ' So I suppose you will do just fine with him."

Squall maintained his cold demeanor, though his heart was dreading the pain of being so close to him. A few nights ago was bad enough, especiallly when Seifer had embraced him and cried into him. But he didn't want him to suffer, not now, after all this time.

"Take care, I'll send him up to your dorm later."

Squall opened the door, but just before he left Dr. Kadowaki came up and whispered to him.

"Please just remember Squall, it's always difficult to forgive the ones you love, but the hardest thing for a person to do is to forgive themselves."

She had ment for the second part to be more prominent, but the whole time Squall was walking back to his dorm, he just kept running it over in his mind.


TBC and please review!!! If you have any questions just ask and I will do my best to answer them!

Thanks to:

SilverXXRain

Darkyu

for reviewing! You guys rock socks!