Chapter 2 - Frozen hearts growing colder with time:

I was waking because of the pang in my back. I growled. I felt very weak as if all my strength has been sucked out of me. I could feel my wounds being dabbed which created thousand little pain waves. I tried to look back to see who treated my wounds but it hurt too much. I sank down again.

What irony. The sea gods had had enough mercy to spare my life but decided I earned being treated like shit. But I got it. It was the punishment for all of my sins, especially for what happened to Emma. I destroyed everything. It was all my fault. I deserved every bit of my new destiny.

Oh my sweet, beautiful, strong Emma. How I wish I could turn back time.

She took all the colors with her. I have been colorblind for almost 5 years now. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about her. And I was sure I would never stop dreaming about her. Every new day without her was monotonous, bleak and surreal. In my sleep I still searched for her, my hand wandering over the bed as if it would find her curled beside me.

My life has become my worst nightmare. A world without her. A cruel world filled with cruel people. There was only darkness, no light. Only rain, no sun. Only sorrow, no happiness. Only hate, no love.

It took me 300 years to find her and only a couple of years to loose her forever. She slipped out of my reach slowly. I had tried everything to save her and failed miserably. I have left a son motherless, parents childless, friends crying as if they wanted to create a sea of grief dedicated only to her.

But they have moved on. The world did not stop to revolve because she was gone. But my world stopped. I was left behind, waiting for my world to start revolving again, waiting for her to come back to me. Foolish me. The world I knew was gone. Because she has been my whole world.

A cup of water was placed in front of me. Only then I realized how dry my mouth was. A black woman lifted my head and helped me drink. „Soup will be ready in a couple of minutes." „I am not hungry." That was a big fat lie. I could hear my stomach grumble, my stomach would surely eat itself if I did not eat soon. I did not know why I lied anyway. Maybe because I thought I did not deserve it.

„You have to eat. You will need your strength." „Who are you?" She whispered: „My name is Ayana." „Why are you on Blackbeard's ship?" Her voice was almost inaudible now. „For the same reason you are. I was born a free woman, even had documents that proofed it. But they kidnapped me, changed my name."

I had forgotten how cruel pirates were. How cruel I have been. At least, I did not sell people. It was one of the few crimes I did not commit and I was glad I have not blackened my soul more. „I have not seen my children in years." Ayana had tears in her eyes. „I am not allowed to speak of them or mourn them for then I am whipped. They even told me, when I would work hard, I would forget them. No mother can forget her children! This heartless monsters! But one day the almighty Lord will punish their kind all together."

She helped me sit up. My skin felt as if it ripped apart again, as if it has lost his elasticity. Ayana has recovered again. „Your wounds don't seem infected. When you were passed out, I washed them several times." „How long was I asleep?" „A couple of days. I force-fed you and instilled a few drops of water. But you are certainly dehydrated. You should drink lots of water."

„Thank you for your kindness." „Our kind has to stick together." Captain Hook a slave. That was worth a story in Henry's book. I let out a sigh. „What's your name?" So they had not told her. „Killian." She had a bowl of soup in her hand and fed me as if I the weight of the bowl was too much for my strengthless body.

The soup tasted delicious, must be because I have not eaten in days for I did not think Blackbeard provided the slaves with hardly enough to survive let alone delicious food. As he had said, slaves were a possession and treated as such.

After I finished the soup, she gave me another cup of water. I drank thirstily until it was empty. Ayana sat across from me. „So, who is Emma?" She caught me off guard. I could not talk for there was a huge lump in my throat. I instantly felt sweat dripping down my forehead. „You were mumbling that name in your sleep. Is she your daughter?"

I began to understand. She was reflecting her feelings onto myself. She was searching for something we had in common so that we could bond. Or maybe she just wanted proof that she could trust me, that I was as miserable as she was. I still could not respond. I only starred at her, but I could not really see her. I was lost in my thoughts.

„So she was your lover. What happened to her?" I did not know what to say, so I came up with a lie. „She was on the same ship I had been. I don't think she has made it." Ayana took my hand in hers and squeezed it reassuringly. „Believe me, being dead is a much better fate than being a female slave. Blackbeard only kept me this long … because I am his concubine. Unwillingly." „I am sorry for everything you have been through." „It's not your fault."

How wrong she was. Everything was my fault. If I had not attempted to kill Blackbeard, he may not have become this monster he was now. He may not have captured her, separating her from her children. A world without me was a better place. Everyone would have their happy ending. Ayana; Emma, Henry and her parents.

I looked around. We were in a small room, there was barely light in here. It smelled terribly of … rotting food. I hoped the soup was not made out of these musty vegetables. But I guess, as a slave everything you got to eat was luxury. You should be glad to be given food at all. They kept you only strong enough so that you could work, but too weak to rebel against them.

Ayana and me were the only people in here. „Are there others?" She nodded. „They are working on deck now. Captain asked me to watch over you. He did not want you dead since your corpse won't bring him money." „How long till we make port?" „I don't know. Slaves don't get information."

Of course not. What was I thinking.

Suddenly, the door was opened. A member of the crew came in. „So the sleeping beauty finally awoke." He stepped towards me. His fingers brushing over my wounded skin. I growled. He only chuckled. „Bill, what's taking you so long?" „He is awake." Another stepped through the door. He had tattoos all over his body. Even in his face. Bill was facing me again. „Get up and come with us."

Ayana stepped in front of me, glaring at them. I could tell she was trying hard to hold back yelling at them. I pushed her aside softly. As I got up, I whispered: „It's okay."

I followed the two of them on deck. My eyes roamed over deck, I could not see Blackbeard. He must be in his cabin for a rather young looking lass was stirring the ship. I was pushed down on the floor. A rag landed in front of me. „Captain wants you to clean the deck." A bucket full of water was placed next to me. „Scrub. Until. I. Tell. You. To. Stop."

It was humiliating. Captain Hook on his knees, swabbing the floor of some ship. I could not bring myself to do it. I would not give these assholes the view! I did not care about my reputation, but I still had some pride left in me.

The tattooed friend of Bill pressed a foot against my back. It stung. A lot. But I acted as if it did not affect me at all. „This was no invitation. This was a command." Still, I did not move an inch. The foot wandered to my head and pushed me down on the floor. Blood dripping out of my nose. Bill lowered himself to whisper in my ear: „If I were you, I would start following commands because compared to some slaveholders we are being nice like an old granny reading stories to little kids. You should get used to it."

They let go of me, but I still would not move an inch. „You want it the hard way? Fine, your choice." Bill winked at some men who returned shortly after with a kicking and screaming Ayana. Seeing her like this, I realized you would never get used to being the property of someone else. Maybe if you were born a slave and never knew what freedom meant. Maybe if they broke your will since you were a child. But that maybe was not an option for us. For me who has lived over 300 years. It would take a 1000 years to break me.

Bill took the lash from his belt. The tattooed guy held Ayana down. Some other guy has ripped her dress open to reveal a back cluttered with scars, some lighter, some more visible but nonetheless, many.

„You see, if your body does not mean anything to you, I will hurt others. And the captain does not care if one of them dies. I can whip them until their screams are hushed, until they make their last breath, until their lifeless body hangs limp in the arms of the crew. Captain's order was only to keep you alive."

At first I thought he was only bluffing. But then he lunged out. Before he could hit Ayana's back, I screamed: „Stop, I will do as you say. Don't hurt her." The blow of the whip went on the floor. „Good for you." Ayana was brought under deck again.

I dipped the rug in the cleaning water and began scrubbing. Bill crashed the lash on my fingers. The skin sprung open, revealing the flesh beneath. „Next time you disobey me, I won't be that nice." He walked away, grabbed a bottle of rum and watched me intensely.

Although every time I had to wet the rag again my hand burnt, I ignored it. I knew when I was defeated and when it was better to keep your mouth shut and do what is demanded. For a while I could hear the crew laughing and making jokes about me. They called me names. But then, I just blinded them out. I could only feel the sun burning my bare back, the rug sliding over deck again and again and again, now and again a splinter of wood found its way into my skin.

It was a monotonous work. I was surprised how good it was to make your mind go numb. For a few hours I was thinking about nothing, I was not fantasizing about her, I was okay for a couple of hours. Okay not in the physical but in the emotional way.

The sun set slowly, turning the bright day into a dark night. Still, I did not stop because no one told me to. I could not feel my arms anymore, my muscles were sore, my knees were skinned. And then Bill approached me. „You can stop now and get some sleep. Tomorrow new work will wait for you."

I tossed the rag into the bucket and stood up. My back ached after the hours spent kneeling and of course, because of my wounds. I was brought back into the small room. Now all the people Blackbeard wanted to sell, were sitting or lying in the room. It was crowded. There were at least 15 people.

Ayana came towards me, she offered me some water and something to eat. I gladly took it from her. I was nearly starving. While I was eating, Ayana cleaned my wounds again. I was almost used to the stabbing pain now, so I kept a straight face. „I was so scarred they would whip me again … Thank you, Killian." „There is nothing to thank me for. It was the right thing to do." „Not everyone would have chosen like you. I have often enough been lashed for the mistakes of others and they kept their mouths shut. You are one of the good ones. I knew it the moment I saw you."

I doubted it. Emma had wanted to convince me too, that I was a good guy, not a villain. But she was wrong, so so so wrong.

Ayana helped me put on a clean shirt. „You should get some sleep." I lay down and felt how worn out I was. I instantly fell asleep.

Flashback: Storybrooke

She was lying in bed, starring at the ceiling. Always starring at the ceiling. Her eyes were hollow, there was no sparkle in them anymore. They were hollow. Fear was eating her up. Dark circles were framing her eyes. She often forgot to blink for minutes.

She was sweating bullets. Her skin was so pale, you almost saw all of her veins, making it appear see-through. She has not seen the sun in weeks, although I always tried to persuade her to go outside. But she was as stubborn as ever and I could not even blame her.

No one except myself was allowed to enter her room anymore. She was afraid to hurt them, infecting them with her poison, her darkness.

I would never give up on her. I knew that we would find a way. If there was hope, there was still a way. She still loved me, I could tell. And that was our trump, our only chance.

I lay down next to her and fell asleep. When I woke again, she was not beside me. I panicked, but then I heard the shower. I walked into the bathroom. I could see the outlines of her perfect body through the white shower curtain.

Steam was escaping from the shower. She always liked the feeling of hot water running down her skin. I was surprised that she took a shower without me dragging her into the shower. Maybe she was making progress.

This shower-thing was a great invention. I quite enjoyed it myself. It felt like hot rain. It was incredible. I was thinking about joining her in the shower, but I did not want to overwhelm her. This would be too much for her.

Suddenly, there where a few red drops on the curtain. Was it because of rust? No, that would look more orange-like and not red as Ruby's coat. Then the white curtain was almost fully red. She fell out of the shower, ripping the curtain down with her. I instantly hurried to her side. I snatched the curtain away from her.

She had not even made the effort to strip out of her clothes. A white nightgown, which I had dressed her in yesterday, was sticking to her body. Her pale skin was almost invisible against the bathroom tales.

I said almost because …

There was blood everywhere. Her dress was ruined. Even her hair was dripping with red water. She was a total mess. I had never seen such a horrific picture, it was burnt into my eyes. I would never forget this. She was weeping. I pulled her into my arms, searching for a wound, anything that described the huge blood loss.

She seemed to be okay. I looked down on her hands again and saw fading scars on her wrists. She had slashed them. On purpose. She was so desperate that she wanted to commit suicide. But magic kept her from dying. „Why would you do that, Emma? You have to think about your family … about me. We need you." Her head snuggled into my shirt that was now drenched with water and her blood. I was rocking us gently back and forth, back and forth, until she stopped weeping.

She murmured: „You don't understand. I can't take this any longer! I can't even see my own son! Who knows what I would do to him, what these voices in my head would urge me into! They always want me to bring destruction … death … sorrow. I am weak … so weak. I won't be able to resist them much longer. I try so hard to fight them … "

I knew that she was living with a burden. But I had no idea how sheer the magnitude was. She was not living anymore. She only existed.

She stayed in her room most of the time, staying by herself. She did not speak much. Normally she would not even allow this much body contact. She only ate and drank when I forced her to.

And I knew that this could not go on like this. There has to be a solution to stop her suffering. My suffering.

I surprised myself when I said: „It's okay to let go, Emma." I brushed over her wet hair. I pulled her even closer to my body, placing kisses all over her face. „What do you mean, Killian?" My lips melted with hers. She still tasted like Emma although my Emma was gone. And then I whispered in her ear. Words that changed simply everything. Words that destroyed everything. From that moment nothing was the same.

What I suggested was the biggest mistake of my life.

I woke in the middle of the night. I still saw red wherever I looked. The white tiles splashed with her blood. Her pale face. Her golden curls dipped in red. I was breathing heavily, I was shaking as if it happened seconds not years ago.

I stood up. I needed some fresh air. I was surprised to find the door unlocked. I went on deck and bent over the railing. My stomach emptied itself until nothing was left of the few bites of food I have taken yesterday. I still felt sick. I sank down along the railing and took deep breaths.

After my stomach has calmed down and the images were fading, I stood up again and watched the black sea. The sea always soothed me. I could watch it for hours. It was the only thing left that could make me feel better.

Without realizing it, I stepped onto the railing. I stretched my arms from my body. The wind was making my sleeves flutter. It almost felt like flying. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the breeze.

Why should I fight for a life that has been lived? Why should I become a slave when there was no hope of ever reuniting with my family?

It was so easy to just let go. But drowning was such an awful fate. And if there was a god - which I highly doubted but nonetheless - I should not commit another sin. Suicide.

Suddenly, someone grabbed me by the collar and pulled me down. I starred into Blackbeard's eyes. Up this close and in the dark his face seemed even more creepier. He really looked like a monster that not even the sea wanted and so it spit him out.

„Did you really think escaping me was that easy? You cannot run from me." „I just needed some fresh air. If you happened to notice, my accommodation is quite shabby. As an old friend I have expected a little more … hospitality." „You can mock me as long as you want, Hook. And don't take me for a fool. I recognize a desperate soul when I see one." He pulled me even closer.

He was smelling so badly as if the mermaid's pneuma was still sticking on his face, as if their salvia was still dripping from his flesh. „But when you are so eager to get off of my ship, I have good news for you. You will be sold tomorrow." He was watching me closely. My fists were clenched. „So I wish you a good night, Hook. You better enjoy it cause it will be the last one you spend as a free man."