Skies of Bellevue Washington

The mercs, Hale, and I took a plane from Sacramento heading straight for Bellevue where we intend on getting my shit back. Funny enough, nobody on the plane seemed to question why nine dudes in gear and a ripped shirtless guy were on the plane. I guess they thought we were cosplayers or something.

"I see... so the kids are all divided, hmm?" Spy asked. I finished explaining what happened at the end of Volume 3, and they looked all sad and crap again.

"Yep. Sad business, I know, but that's what happened." I said to them.

"But can you not erase old chapter and still make us win battle?" Heavy asked. There was a kid kicking his seat and he was getting annoyed.

"A fucking retcon? Nah man. People wish I retconned the part where I introduce mysel-... people would get pissed is I just change it out of the blue." I shrug. "I'm not aiming to have another group looking for my ass, you know?"

"Heavy sees..."

"I'm glad you understand... Oh shit! Look alive boys! We're here!" Looking out of the plane windows, we can see the city of Bellevue down below.

"Holy Mary mother of Joseph..." Soldier gasped.

Bellevue was huge. This is the city where Valve Corporation was based, and it soon became the city Valve owned. It was only this year that Valve acquired a fuck ton of money to somehow buy the entire city and make it part of its own little Valve country. Isn't that against the Constitution? But anyway, The city was bought by Valve for only one purpose. To host the first Valve Con. Not just Valve Con at that, but also RTX, E3, PAX, Comic Con, and Anime Expo. If Valve was going to have its first convention then Gabe Newell wanted to make sure it was one everyone could remember.

"Hey guys?"

"Yes?"

"My only rule for you is, unless absolutely necessary... no weapons. We don't need any attention on us right at the airport." Then a little more thinking. "And try your hardest to act like normal people."


Down in the City itself

We were now down in Bellevue proper, and the mercenaries were very confused at what they were looking at. You know how at conventions they have stands for people showcasing their stuff? Well here they have entire buildings courtesy of Lord Gaben. There were also these hordes of people dressed up weirdly, and some looked just like familiar faces. Buildings were covered in banners and signs that mark them out for PAX, RTX, or whatever else owns them. However, the biggest attraction of the city was Valve HQ itself. This is where the panels for all of them will be held. A giant ass building that pretty much covered most of the city center. What the fuck is all that space used for? Storing money, hats, skins, even games for Steam sales? Who knows...

I tried my damnest to stay hidden. Burnie had these giant television monitors installed everywhere that had advertising for Roosterteeth products everywhere. All the major conventions here had them, but Roosterteeth ones caught my attention because sometimes an ad would play for butthurt fanfic authors.

"Hey, hey, hey convention goers! Fuck that was corny, but what's up? It's me! Burnie Burns of Roosterteeth Productions! This is just a little announcement for all those fanfic authors we've politely dealt with, so if you happen to be one, just drop by our security stations and we could talk this out!"

"Fucking Burnie..." It was obvious. That guy is just leading other fanfic authors like me into a very fucking obvious trap. What got my attention though is how many authors did they do this to exactly for it to be such a problem to be talked about at RTX?

"Yellow Dragon!" Heavy put his huge hands on the shoulder of someone who looked like Yang Xiao Long, but was surprised when she turned around.

"Yes?" She responded. This woman had brown eyes instead of purple. She was with this little cosplay group consisting of Team RWBY cosplayers. "Hey! You're like that Heavy guy from Team Fortress, right?

"Yes! Yes he is!" I say in an attempt to stop anything from fucking up. "I'm sorry about my friend here, he's just a little 'friendly' you know?"

"Oh I totally get it!" She giggles. "Want to take a picture with us?" Heavy looks at me and I nervously nod.

"Da. Heavy will take picture with girls!" He smiles with his thumbs up.

"Oooh! You even sound like him!" They all pose with Heavy awkwardly holding his thumbs up as they take the picture.

"That was strange..." Heavy said as the girls walked off somewhere. "Is this thing people do?"

"Yep. It's called cosplay. Personally, I would do it but I'm poor as balls." We then lay our eyes on a gathering of TF2 cosplayers. "You see those guys over there?"

"Yeah, they're supposed to be us?" Scout sneered. "None of them got any of my looks though! I oughta go there and show 'em-" Scout is pulled back by Spy.

"William, no. If this young lad here says that fat man is here, then we can't risk attracting any attention- where's Pyro?" Pyro was missing.

"Shit..." I say. "EVERYONE LOOK FOR PYRO BEFORE HE KILLS SOMEONE!" We spread out and immediately start searching for our masked pyromaniac.

"Pyro?" Spy flipped around a Pyro cosplayer with the completely wrong mask. "My apologies."

"Pyro?" Sniper flipped around a Pyro cosplayer with a Hello Kitty mask. "Uh... apologies mate."

"Demon from Hell?" Medic called out to which several demon looking cosplayers raised their hands. "Ugh..."

"I found him!" Soldier pointed over at this building that was entirely a game room. Pyro was playing a game with some guys. We run over, and found that he was completely dominating everyone in the room as itself in TF2.

"FUCKING FUCK!" Someone in the back can be heard yelling. "PYRO TAKES NO SKILL YOU FUCKING NOOB!" Someone else yelled. "SPAMMER!" Another guy got so angry that he grabbed his computer and threw it into a crowd of people. He was then tazed the fuck out by security when they came over. The crew seemed intrigued to find out that they're actually video game characters, but there was no time to wonder. I can't let those security guys see me.

"Let's get out of here before they see me!" We grab Pyro and hustle it out of there. "Okay... they don't seem to know that I'm here yet... and they don't know you guys are the real deal." I then notice Saxton Hale was missing the whole time. "...we are so screwed."

"Don't worry about Hale mate. I'm sure he'll keep himself behaved till we're ready." Demo said.

"Demo's right, boy. We need to focus on the mission at hand." Spy told me.

"Fine... now we can't just walk into the hall since security is bound to beat the shit out of me again..." I then see a single SWAT truck parked in an alleyway. The guards appeared to be just fucking around instead of doing their jobs. Then a crazy idea come to my mind from watching too damn many movies... and Call of Duty. "Hé, regardez ici. (Hey, look here.)" I say to Spy.

"Tu parle français? (You speak French?)"

"Me? Fuck no. I just felt like saying that cuz I got a French boi with me, but see those truck?" Spy nodded his head. "Thinking of some sneakin'?" Spy smiles at me.

"If you insist..."

"Okay! Wait here guys! And promise you won't kill/murder/rape/torture/be weird, okay?"

"What are we supposed to do? Act like civilians?" Soldier asks.

"Just stay here until we get back!" I yell as Spy and I approach the truck. "I seriously hope they don't fuck this up..." I say to Spy as we're walking.

"So do I..." He ducks into an alley and turns into a guard. He then violently grabs me by the neck.

"Ow! What the fuck!? We didn't even come up with a plan yet!" I yell. Seriously, it hurts to be handled like this.

"That's why I did." Spy chuckled in a guard voice. We then approached the guard truck. "Hey guys..." Spy began. "I found this little shit wanderin' around the place." He throws me out in front of them.

"Ha! What's this one in for?" One guard asked.

"A fuckin' fanfic author." Spy laughed. "He thinks he can just sneak right in here and get his shit back!" The guards and Spy laugh their asses off.

"Good work bro!" The guards pull out their weapons. "Now let's kick his ass!" They then move in to do that.

"Woah! What the fuck is wrong with you guys!?" I yell. "Is nonsensical police violence standard protocol or some shit!?" One pulls out a guard manual (it was more like a sticky note) and all it said was 'police brutality is best policy.'

"...fuck." I cringe in fear as they move in, but Spy stops them.

"Hold on boys! Don't ya think the boss wants to 'ave a word with him before we beat 'em?" The guards stop in place. "After all, he probably wants first hit on this little bitch. Am I right?"

"Yeah, guess he's right guys..." The guards put their weapons away. "Throw him in the back. We'll take him to Burnie later." I'm thrown in the back and Spy comes in to make sure I'm cuffed or whatever excuse he said to them.

"You good?" Spy asked, still disguised. I nod my head. Suddenly, a guard opens up the hatch and Spy immediately slaps me. "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" He then violently cuffs me.

"What the fuck man!?" The guard who opened the hatch said. Spy froze in place, thinking he possibly did something that compromised the mission. To his relief, the guard simply pulled out a baton and smiled. "Save some bitch for me!" He then starts beating me. Spy simply sighs in relief and gets ready to backstab this bitch... then it happened.

Spy and the guard didn't notice it, but I was so tired of this brutality bullshit that I reached for the guard's Glock 17 and pistol whipped him with it. Spy was surprised as he watched me jump on the guard, still pistol whipping his fucking face in.

"FUCK
YOU
LITTLE
FUCK-FACED

SON
OF
A
WHORE!"

The guard is barely alive as I reached for the hatch to close it, and then I blew his brains out. It may have been a mistake to close the hatch since the sound of a gunshot in a confined space made Spy and I nearly go deaf.

"Ah fuck me..." I fall on my back, clutching my ears as a cartoonish amount of blood covered the interior of the truck. I flick a middle finger towards the dead guard. "Bitch..."

"Is this your first time killing another man?" Spy asks. "You're taking this surprisingly well..."

"Watched combat footage all the time..." I explain. "I've seen multiple people get blown to pieces and shot to death. That and shootings were pretty regular back where I used to live... Not the same as killing someone close up, but eh..." I then realize how this was a mistake. "Fuck... what about those guys outside..."

"Don't worry." Spy goes to the hatch and stops before opening it. "I'll take care of them..." HE leaves.

"'kay..." I said, still covering my ears due to the painful ringing sensation from firing the gun. I think I could hear muffled grunts and stuff outside of the truck, and Spy suddenly comes into the driver seat.

"What did you do?" I see Spy had more blood on him than last time.

"Take a guess." He undisguised himself since the tinted windows of the truck made it impossible for people to see through. "Now to find our friends..." Spy then sees they are not at the spot we told them to wait anymore except for Sniper and Engineer. "Fuck..."

"What happened?" I say as I look out from his side. I also saw what he saw. "...here's thinking I could trust you guys to help me out..." No! What the hell am I saying? I need to harden the fuck up! No time to bitch out now! "Okay... so we just got to find them and take them in a very non-suspicious manner, then maybe we can sneak into the headquarters and find Burnie..."

...

"Look alive mate." Sniper nudged Engie's side as a SWAT truck rolled up next to them. Engie slowly reached for his pockets, but Sniper stopped him. "Easy mate... let's see where this is going..." The window rolled down, and to their relief it is Spy.

"Howdy, partners." Spy smiled. "You're under arrest."

"Real funny, Frenchie." Engie smiled back as he in Sniper went to the back hatch. They were surprised at all the blood and dead guy with me.

"Get in." I said, not looking away from a pamphlet detailing the major events of the day.

"Why is the security here so terrible..." Engie wonders as he peaks out a window. Sniper is peaking out too.

"It's because their 'rulebook' says they just have to beat the shit out of people..." I say, still looking for anything helpful.

"No... I mean why do they suck at being security guards..." Engie leads me to the window, and I see they genuinely do suck at being guards. These guards behaved more like hooligans hired from jail or some shit than trained security personnel.

"This might be why..." Sniper was searching through the dead guard's corpse, and found that he used to be a death row inmate. He pulled out a paper that was a contract with Roosterteeth.

"In exchange for your freedom, you will swear to enforce the will of Roosterteeth everywhere you go..." Sniper read aloud.

"Guess that explains it then..." Engie said. We drive on a little more, and eventually we found Demoman. It wasn't hard convincing people that we were legitimately taking Demo in since he was as drunk as a motherfucker. We found that he had went and drained 3 bars of their drinks and beat up several angry pedestrians and cosplayers aiming to fight him. We then found Scout taking pictures with multiple cosplayers, posing as if he were the shit.

"Oh man! I love this place!" Scout loved all the attention he was getting from the people snapping photos of him and nice cosplayers he was talking too. He especially liked the female anime cosplayers...

"Hey there ladies..." He walked up to a few cosplayers of the Highschool DXD series. "I was just wonderin' if anyone of ya..." He flexed his puny muscles. "...are interested in some heavy lifting?" The girls laugh at him and just walk away. "What? Oh right! I see! You need some time to consider my offer then, okay!" Scout watched them leave before laying his eyes on some more cosaplyers.

"Hello lade- GAAAH!" Scout was just knocked to the side by a SWAT truck, and four figures in guard uniform came out. No one seemed to question why they were covered in blood, only understanding that their yells of 'FUCKING PEDOPHILE' and 'PERVERT' was the reason why they were taking him in. Scout was dragged inside the truck and we quickly reveal it was us before he could get to shooting.

"What the Hell fellas?" He yelled. "I was tryin' to work my magic so I could... I could... gain some intel, yeah!" He lied. "And why's Pyro in the driver's seat?" We were all as shocked as shit to see Pyro snuck into the truck somehow when we picked up Scout.

"Hmmhllo!" Pyro muffled out a greeting. By some miracle of fate, Pyro was driving like a normal person. Obeying all traffic laws and shit. Honestly, this might be more suspicious than just driving GTA style since all other cops in this place drive as if this were GTA V. How many lawsuits/ people killed have happened already?

"Why's the real world so crazy?" Engie asked.

"I don't fucking know..." I get back to the map. "I gues it's just the corrupting influence of Gaben or some shit..." Then, a crackling was heard on the radio. "Shhhhhhhh! Everyone hush!" I motion to Spy who had moved to the passenger seat. "Turn it up..."

"All units, be on the look out for a dark-skinnned Asian hobbit..."

"What the fuck?" I'm offended. "I'm not that short!"

"He was last seen at the airport, trying to hide with nine TF2 cosplayers."

We all look at each other, and we knew right away that we had to hurry...


Some time later

It was surprisingly easy to get the other mercenaries. Heavy and Medic had to restrain and hide Soldier when he tried to jump some cosplayers who claimed they were terrorists from some series. Whether they were terrorists against America did not matter at all to Soldier, but what Soldier thought also didn't matter to Medic as he tranquilized him and hid.

"What do ve do now?" Medic asked. He was in the process of waking up Soldier as Spy parked the truck on the side of a street. Their were no vehicles on the street save for trolleys and shit for public transportation. The roads were reserved for convetion personnel/important people/ guards.

"Incompetent or not, it's only a matter of time before those guard blokes realize one truck is actin suspicious..." Sniper added.

"Say no more..." I was smiling as I just found something quite useful. "Lord Gaben is hosting a huge panel with all the other convention leaders soon..." Everyone looked as I pointed at the event I circled in red marker. "Everyone has to be there no matter who they are." I look up at them with a smile.

"...including us." Then my smile turned into a straight face. "...then we need to figure out how we're going to actually do it..."


Valve HQ Convention Hall

"Holy-" I am interrupted by Sniper.

"Mate, if you curse again I'm going to have to fill your mouth with soap to wash all that filth out!" Sniper threatened. Maybe I do curse a lot...

"Holy Jeebus..." The hall was unrealistically huge. It could fit a fucking highway where North Korean style parades were held, and the place could easily hold the entire population of the city with no problem at all. Currently, we were driving down in a convoy of SWAT trucks leading up to the main stage where Gaben was. The security forces of each convention had to line up with whoever hired them, and since the gang and I had Roosterteeth security uniforms, we had to stand under the Roosterteeth panel. Right where Burnie is...

"O-okay..." I'm shaking a little from fear since the truck stopped and we were supposed to dismount and get in an orderly formation with other guards. "Remember, try not to fuck up..." We exit the vehicle, and I immediately fall flat on my face.

"Heh, speak for yourself..." Spy laughed as he picked me up to my feet.

"No worries lad, we got this..." Demo assured me.

Luckily, fortune was on our side and we were the closest to line up to the stage. The parade kept going for another agonizing fifteen minutes, Anime and comic cosplayers were marching along, the 501st legion was marching, all that shit... you get the deal. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being lazy here because fuck me this is stressful please kill me why am I doing this?

The parade finally ends, and the panel begins with an opening speech from Gabe Newell.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm Gabe Newell, and I welcome you to the capital of our wonderful new nation of Valveland!" The crowd cheers. "I hope you enjoy all of our esteemed and honorable guests here..." He waved his hands toward the other convention leaders, lights and names lighting up as his hands waved over them. "For I have a very special announcement to make!" The crowd goes silent, wondering what President Gabe Newell has to say.

"I have been speaking with the leaders of Anime Expo, Comic Con, Roosterteeth and its associates, and Pax among other groups, that nerd culture is highly misunderstood in this world!" Murmurs from the audience is what he got in response. "There is no nation in the world that accepts who we are! The only place that did before the creation of this fine new country wasn't even a real place! And that place is known as the internet! Now, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I, Gabe Newell, has decided to make this country a fine utopia for all of nerd culture!"

The crowd cheers at that ludicrous statement. "Hold on! I'm not done yet, there's more! I'm happy to announce, that the new nation of Valveland will but the United States and annex all of its territory in the name of geekdom!"

"What the fu- I mean heck?" I whisper. I zone out the speech for a bit when I consider that I have serious stage fright. Even if I do go on the stage and hope to gun everyone down, I would just freeze because of how many people are watching me.

*BANG*

"What!?" I jumped. "What happened!?" I look in shock as the guard in front of me fell to the floor with a hole in his helmet. It seemed like I was shaking so much in fear that I accidentally killed the guy in front of me. The mercenaries were wide eyed, and I simply looked up with a straight face. "Fuck it..." I start firing into the guards around us. The mercs shrugged and simply got to work whoopin' ass. The crowd began panicking and clearing out the building had a giant Half-Life 2 style shield kept them inside. The shield also served the purpose of protecting them from gunfire as the mercs and I fought the security forces.

"Holy shit!" Burnie screamed at the sudden turn of events. All the convention leaders ducked under their bullet proof stands as bullets went flying everywhere.

"Fuck me!" I duck and panic as we're getting shot at. "Thiswasamistakethiswasamistakethiswasamistake-*slap*" Soldier slapped the fuck out of me and stood me up.

"Grow a pair of balls, sissy!" He tells me before blowing up some SWAT trucks belonging to Anime Expo. Some of the trucks had fucking machine guns, sometimes even miniguns, mounted on them, and the guards were using them against us. Thankfully, Soldier and Demoman were on the job while everyone else focused on the guards. Sniper was counter-sniping the various snipers posted around the place so that we don't get our asses headshotted.

Spy was close combating the shit out of a group of guards, using his Ambassador and Butterfly Knife to devastating effect. "Boy!" He called out to me. I was struggling to reload a pistol with shaky hands when I heard him over the sounds of battle.

"The fuck do you want!?" I'm still struggling with the gun. I only used a gun once before okay?

"That man! Get him!" I look over, and saw he was talking about Burnie and the Roossterteeth gang.

"B-but-"

"SON! IF YOU SHOW ONE MORE SIGN OF BEING A LITTLE BITCH, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THIS GODDAMN AMERICAN BOOT!" Soldier threatened as he was ripping heads off with his bare hands.

"Fuck! Okay! I'll do it!" I look up on stage and saw gaurds had come to escort out of there safely. Gulping, I decided to load my fucking pistol first before going up there. "Okay, magazine in, release slide, ready to shoot..." I take a few deep breaths... then I jump on stage.

"FUCK MY LIFE!" I yell as I run towards the Roosterteeth gang.

"Oh shit!" Burnie shouted out when the guard holding him got shot in the shoulder. His heart stopped when he saw it was me. He didn't recognize it was me though since I was still wearing the SWAT uniform with helmet, but still...

"Drop that son of a bitch!" He ordered. I freeze. Time seemed to slow down as bullets come flying at me. Memories of my life flow through my mind as the bullets slowly came at me. Then, subconsciously, my hands came together to pull the pin on a flashbang. It was just instinct I guess, but the grenade flew over to them and it was miraculously hit by one of their bullet's while it was right in front of them.

I'm pretty sure that would actually destroy the grenade or something, but it blew up into a blinding flash anyway and it stunned all of them. Simple shit, pistol raised, I shot the down guards as I got to them, but then the Glock ran out. Some of the guards were already recovering and were about to be on my ass soon, so I just threw the Glock at them and rushed them with my bare fucking hands.

It didn't end well. I had a fist ready to sock a dude in the face, but he simply turned his M870 around and slammed the butt into my helmet. Instead of you know, fucking shooting me, these guys decide to be total fucking assholes and beat the shit out of me again.

The beating didn't last long as suddenly, six of them were dropped on the spot and a giant fucking needle struck me in the chest. I turn and see Spy and Medic giving me a thumbs up. Spy's Ambassador was smoking and Medic had his Crusader's Crossbow out. Miraculously, it worked on me.

There was time to celebrate as a lot of guards were still up, so I tackled the bastard with the M870 and bashed his brains in with the butt of the shotgun.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?" I yell at him. His only response was death gurgles, and I quickly brought the shotgun out on the other guards.

Butt firmly against the shoulder, more like a push than a kick... is the M870 capable of slam fire?

I shot a guy and pumped the gun while still holding the trigger. Nothing came out.

Nope. Not capable of slam fire.

I quickly empty the shotgun on a further 7 guys before using it as a straight up club on them. I'm no expert in melee combat, but I was doing surprisingly-

"OWWWWWWW!"

...nevermind.

A guard slammed his baton on the back of my head, but I did not fall. Simple, I turn around and clock the bastard with a right hook to his mostly exposed face. I'm short as a motherfucker, but the one thing I do have is boxing...and some Muay Thai.

He brought his baton around to hit my head again, but I covered my side with a raised elbow and land a solid hit on his side and then a knee on his chest. My hand went for his pistol as he went down, and then I accidentally shot his balls off when another guard scared me with a bullet flying near my head. Using the man who's balls I just blew off as a shield, I returned fire to the best of my ability. I was trash at the shooting range, but it hardly mattered this close up. The gun ran out of ammo again, and I let go of the very dead motherfucker as I jump for an M4 on a dead guard.

I never used a carbine or a normal length rifle for that matter, but there was no time to bitch about weapon preferences. Bullets left the muzzle as I sprayed the fuck out of them with the full magazine of 5.56x45mm rounds. Someone who had a riot shield decided to pull it out, and he was now advancing towards me with his pistol in his free hand.

"Oh fuck you man!" I never liked fighting riot shields in the games. His pistol eventually ran out, and he just rushed me with the full force of the shield. I gasp in pain as he pins me as if he were Rheinhardt Wilhelm up this bitch. Thinking subconsciously, I get out my own baton and started trying to bash it against his arm as I couldn't fully reach him behind the shield. I was struggling for breath as the shield was crushing me against the floor. Then he was sniped.

"Thanks Sniper..." I wheeze out as I stood up and used the shield. There was nothing I could do as bullets banged against the bulletproof material of the shield. Well... bulletproof is not entirely accurate. It's more like bullet resistant, but you get it. I had no guns, nothing to throw, no nothing. I look back and saw the mercs were now struggling with these... what the fuck.

Apparently, Roosterteeth invested in making armies of those Tex robots or whatever they fuck they were in Red Vs. Blue, and they were now fighting the guys.

"Dammit... where are you Hale!?" I scream for our only hope. He didn't come, but then bullets stopped hitting my shield. The shield was so fucked up, that I was certain that just a few more bullets would break it. I couldn't even see through it anymore with all the cracks and stuff on it, so I cautiously peek my head out and saw that the remaining six guards apparently ran out of ammo.

"What the fuck is wrong with you guys!?" I hear Burnie yelling. "Who carries only two clips for their guns!?"

I'm bad at melee, but this was all I got. Yelling, I rushed them with the shield. Like I said, the shield was so fucked up that it actually broke in half when I tackled the first guard. The guards thought they were the shit, but they stopped being so smug when they saw me bash the down guard's head with one half of the broken shield.

In a moment of awesome ass whooping that only happens with much adrenaline, I bashed guards left and right with half of a riot shield. One managed to grab it and throw it away from me, but a dropkick quickly shut him the fuck up. I slipped a hit from another's baton and got him with a good uppercut to his chest and then another to his face.

"BOXING, BITCH!" I taunted as I stomped on his balls. I heard a gun click right behind me, and I drop to my knees as I heard a bang. The ringing sound hurt my ears, but I still backwards headbutted this one guy who still had a gun's balls. This time, the pistol was a M1911A1 Colt .45. Pretty much my favorite pistol and only gun I used before this whole mess started.

It was simple shit then. I shot him and four more guards with five of the remaining six rounds in the gun, but then the last guard fucked me up with an uppercut. I lost the gun, and this motherfucker took up a boxing stance.

"Shit..."

I may have took boxing, but I was typically trash against others in the ring. Mostly because I was afraid of fighting other boxers instead of regular guys. Crippling fear reduced me into a little bitch, and this guy whooped my ass. Whenever I'd throw a punch, he would either slip it or block it to put one right in my face. My fist came in with an uppercut, but he leaned away from that and got me with a kick to my knee. I screamed as it felt like he broke it, but I still fought on.

In that whole shameful exchange, I landed no hits while the other guy fucked me up. He grinned as he landed a hit strong enough to knock me on my back. He placed his foot on my chest, and I hear the Roosterteeth crew laughing as they walked up to me.

"Hahaha! You stupid motherfucker!" Burnie clapped like a villain. "Finish him." The guard nodded, but he screamed in pain when a .45 round was landed in his shoulder, the last bullet in the gun that I miraculously landed near. The Roosterteeth crew looked horrified as I bashed his face in with the pistol, before turning my attention on them. What else was I going to do? Fight him as an outclassed, unskilled, boxer? Fuck that shit. I just killed him so there's no going back.

"Sup." I greeted them as I look for another magazine for my favorite gun.

"Listen pal..." Burnie looked afraid as the other Roosterteeth members crowded behind him. "...we don't want any trouble."

"Kill Burnie first!" Geoff yelled.

"Nobody else got to die today unless you give me my shit back..." I threatened them with the gun.

"Wait a second..." Burnie was shocked as I took my helmet off, and threw it at him. "Ow! Fuck!"

"How it feel, bitch?" I smiled. "I have been getting my ass beaten non stop for the last-"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"...fuck. Now I know how the boys felt when Cinder fucked them up..." I fell back as three .45 rounds struck me in the back. It was one of those moments where there was so much pain, that it didn't even hurt if that made any sense. The fact that Burnie also pulled out a gun he had this whole time to fill me with holes didn't make it any better.

"Hahaha! You stupid son of a bitch

"Gabe Newell! Took you long enough!" Burnie shook Gabe's hand as I saw he had a smoking Peacemaker in his hand. The situation had gone to absolute shit. Not only did Roosterteeth invest in those fucking Tex droids, but they also got a small army of TEAM FUCKING RWBY look a likes who fight exactly like them but obedient to their every will. That's not what beat the mercenaries though, no, they still destroyed several of them even though they looked just like Team RWBY. What stopped the mercenaries was that Gabe had frozen them in place.

"No problem, Burnie. I was just waiting to see if I really did need to use my powers..." Gaben held a hand out in front of me. "I'll just send them back to the Valveverse. This guy too..."

"Gabe..." I say before the mercenaries and I were sucked into the Source Engine, otherwise known as Valveverse. Gabe then clapped his hands, and everyone who was killed was brought back to life. He also wiped the entire crowd's memories clean.

Take your places. He telepathically said to all the convention leaders. The meeting then resumed as if nothing happened.


Valveverse

"Look!" Louis yelled for the other main characters of the Valve games to see when a portal opened up. The mercs and I fell right out of it.

"Goddamn..." Frances leaned in close to us. "You all look like shit... I hate shit."

"Shut up Francis!" Zoey said to the biker. "Hmm..." She was leaning near me.

"Dying..." I gasp.

"Yeah... I can see that."

"Er muss geheilt werden." A German soldier from Day of Defeat: Source said in Deutsch. Since these our Valve characters, they dropped several health kits on me, and the bullet holes magically disappeared.

"Thanks..." I give them a thumbs up and I stand to my feet. "Where the hell are we?"

"Your in the Source Engine, friend." Barney Calhoun said before Lamarr the headcrab jumped on him. "Ah! Fuckin' headhumpers!"

"She has a name, Barney!" Dr. Kleiner and Gordon Freeman came in from a door that said 'Half-Life' on it.


Later

Turns out this Valveverse is more like a rich neighborhood looking place where each expensive house represented a place where Valve games lived. It was a very nice, picturesque landscape that sort of reminded me of Tuscany. Currently, every single character from every Valve game made was in a country club looking place as we talked about what happened to us earlier.

Oh, and it turned out Gabe had actually caught Saxton Hale earlier when he somehow stealthed all the way to him.

"Well that sucks..." Nick from the second Left 4 Dead said as he relaxed onto a couch.

"That reminds of the time my buddy Keith and-" Everyone pointed their weapons at Ellis, and he shut the fuck up.

"We would like to help you out kid..." A character from Alien Swarm, a game I'm not familiar with, began. "...but none of us feel like getting banned." The Valve characters agree on that one, except for the mercs of course.

"Yeah! We like our lives here." Some of the terrorists from Counter Strike said. It was a miracle Soldier didn't jump them. Maybe he didn't realize they were terrorists.

"Come on!" I shout. "Don't you guys wish there was more to being Valve characters than endless skins and hats!?" I got murmurs that can be summed up as 'not really.'

"Dammit."

The Valve characters stayed behind in the Country Club. That included the mercenaries since they seemed to want to get to know the other characters. Apparently, TF2 was the only game that didn't have their own house here. Guess Gaben wanted to preserve them in their own game to keep up hat sales or something. Wait a second, are the Valve characters only aware that they are video game characters when they're in this place? When I had the mercs travel through Half'Life 2 and Left 4 dead offscreen (when their asses were dropped in the middle of Amity Coliseum), they were totally shocked to find other worlds existed. Yet here in the Source Engine, they were fully aware of it!

Fuck my brain hurts... but anyway, as for me? I went outside to sulk like an edgy bastard. I hate edgy bastards. I have become what I hate. Even more edge...

I hear something rustling in the bushes next to me, and I some Combine Soldiers with party hats and cans of booze in their hands. They were also playing obnoxiously loud music.

"Sup bruh." The leader, an Elite, said. He then somehow downed his can through his mask and crushed it against his forehead.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They all cheer.

"Oh no... fucc bois..." I said under my breath.

"Mind if we use your spot bruh?" I didn't get a chance to say no as they just set up shop and started partying. "Thanks man!" Some zombies from Left 4 Dead and some other enemy characters came in to party with them.

"What is this... 'Wreck it Ralph'?" I said to myself as I walk off. I sat by a tree stump where I found Saxton Hale, sad that he was easily defeated by that fat guy again. Not wanting to sit by him, I see the only house that had plants growing over it. It was heavily decayed, and it was quite sad looking.

"That looks like a good place to be sad in..."

I enter the house, and found that it was actually never finished. Worse yet, the place was full of headcrabs. These headcrabs didn't even want to make me their host, they just fucked with me by slamming themselves into me for shits and giggles. If headcrabs could laugh, then they would totally be doing it right now as the football sized pieces of shit kept jumping into me.

"Ow! Ow! OW!" I rush into a closet and close the door. Banging was still felt on the door as the little shits kept trying to fuck with me. It then stopped, and I see a little headcrab arm stick out from under the door with a note.

"Pwease come out. No jump no more. :)" I stomped on its arm, and it pulled it back away from the door. That's when I notice this room was as dark as shit. I'm afraid of the dark, yet I didn't want to go back out there and get dogpiled by headcrabs. Luckily, I saw a light coming from a crack in a rotted dresser, and I desperately reached for it.

*opens le dresser*

Me: *gasps*


"So... this your biggest gun?" Heavy was being shown the heaviest weapons used in the Alien Swarm games while the other Valve characters kept mingling with each other. Then suddenly, a Combine Soldier was thrown into the middle of the floor, and all the characters looked towards the entrance.

"Glad I got your attentions..." I was smiling like a mad man, and there was something under my arm covered by some cloth.

"What's the meaning of this, son?" Engie asked.

"Yeah, what happened to the little coward we know and love?" Soldier said as he peeked his eyes out from under his helmet.

"It better not be a bomb!" All the Counter-Terrorists from Counter Strike pointed their guns at me, but for once, I wasn't scared.

"It's something much better than a bomb..." I reveal the object, and all their jaws dropped.

"Let's get back to the real world. Gaben would want to see this..."


Real World

"Alright! Thank you all for coming today, and I hope you enjoy your new homes!" Gabe was proud. He just convinced hundreds of thousands, maybe even a million people to become citizens of the new country of Geekland. Eh... they'll change the name later. Then he saw several strange figures wearing cloaks walking into the hall instead of exiting it. They simply stood there while the civilians exited, and the security forces got into position.

The Team RWBY androids (think something like Penny where they look just like regular Humans) were on standby as well as the Texes. Gaben was hoping he didn't have to use his powers again. It was no drain on him, but he found it was just tedious to use it to solve problems he shouldn't be dealing with in the first place.

"Please leave." One guard ordered through a megaphone. He was going to say something else, but a bullet bored its way into his skull when a CT sniper hit him with an AWP. We reveal ourselves. Everyone from DOTA, Alien Swarm, Day of Defeat, Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead series, Portal, and the Half-Life series, had their weapons loaded for a serious ass kicking.

"We have unfinished business!." I yelled

"What!?" They couldn't hear me since the hall was so huge, my words couldn't be made out from this distance.

"I said we had unfinished business!" I yelled louder.

"What!? We can't hear you!" Barbara Dunkelman shouted.

"Yeah we can't hear you man!" Michael Jones yelled.

"I SAID WE HAD UNFINISHED BUSINEES!" I yelled louder, misspelling 'business' in the process.

"WHAT!?" Everyone on stage yelled back.

"I SAID- Ah fuck it!" I pull out a Glock Coach gave me. "LET'S DO THIS SHIT!" I led the charge, but all the other characters were so much faster than me and I end up getting run over. "OW! OW! FUCK! STOP IT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHO STEPPED ON MY BALLS!?"

Severe pain to my body aside, we absolutely fucked them up. The army of guards screamed in horror as they were easily cut down by the guns of Counter-Strike, TF2, Left 4 Dead, Day of Defeat, and Alien Swarm. They were ripped to pieces by the claws and fangs of Headcrab Zombies, Left 4 Dead Zombies, the Aliens from Alien Swarm, and other melee monsters from Valve. That, and Saxton Hale unleashed the full might of his manliness on all of them, and you know how Hale do...

The Dota heroes did a fuck ton of damage with their magic and shit, but I'm not going to explain what they did cuz I ain't never played Dota.

Long story short, we curbed stomped them. What about the RWBY and Tex andorids? We also fucked them up. There was simply too much manliness contained in our quest for Roosterteeth's android investment fuckery. We all close in on the stage where the convention leaders were cowering behind Gaben who was sitting still during the entire ordeal.

"Interesting... how did you get them to follow you?" Gabe asked in a regular voice. "Normally, these characters wouldn't dare raise a finger against me..." I was still far in the back, dragging myself over there after getting stampeded on.

"Yeah? Well we did you fat bastard!" Bill yelled. They point all their weapons at Gabe, but he still seemed completely unfazed by it all. "FIRE!"

"No wait!" I yelled, but it was too late. They opened fire on Gabe, to find that an invisble shield kept him completely intact. Gabe sighed, and pointed a finger at them.

"All of your attacks have been delayed for three centuries." With those words, no one was able to use their guns! Some of them rushed on stage to hit him in melee, but they found that whenever they tried to swing at him, they would stop just short of hitting him in the face.

"Gah!" Hale was frustrated. "Let me punch-" SAXTON HALE HAS BEEN MUTED BY GABEN.

"There. Fight over." A portal opened up, and they all began levitating. "Back to the Source Engine everyone..." That's when he noticed I wasn't levitating. "Impossible... how are you resisting my control?"

I smile at him, and I suddenly don't look fucked up anymore. "I know your weakness..."

"What do you mean..." Gabe actually looked like he was tensing up. "Please explain young man..."

"Why explain when I can show you..." Suddenly, the physics gun from Gmod is in my hands. That's when... that is the moment where Gabe knew exactly what happened. I had Admin powers because Garry's Mod.

"No..." He gasped as I used them to bring all the Valve Characters back to my side. "FUCKING GARRY'S MOD!?" He literally exploded out of his seat, making shockwaves that knocked against everything and everyone. "I HAD THAT LOCKED UP YEARS AGO!"

"Yeah, well I found it!" I laugh. "This game was my shit back in the day, and I was so sad to see it get removed from Steam..."

"I'm not putting that shit back in the Steam store, you dark skinn- uhhh... no that's racist... you young piece of shit!"

"That's only one of two demands!" I yell. "My other demand, is that you give me my shit back!"

"What are you talking about?"

"My fucking story! You know? Mercs in Remnant?" Gears ticked in Gabe's mind when he finally realized what I was saying.

"But you ended that story." He said in a simple manner.

"Only because..." I grab Burnie with the Physgun. "HE... took it from me!"

"I don't know what the fu-" I start gently smacking Burnie into the stage. "Ow! Quit it!" I freeze his torso in place and start making him punch himself. "Ow! Fuck! Okay! Yes we did it!" Gabe glared daggers at him.

"Explain." Gabe demanded.

"I'm not sayi- *further pain* Ow! We did it because we wanted to capitalize off our fan's stuff! Every single fanfic involving Roosterteeth property was confiscated!" I drop him and he crawls away. "Please don't hurt me anymore..."

"Well, that's all fine and good young man, but what do you want me to do about it?" Gabe asked me. I was disappointed that he seemed to be actually totally okay with Burnie doing this, but I had one more ace up my sleeve.

"You're not going to fix this?" I said with a smile.

"I don't see why I should." Gabe shrugged. "I need Roosterteeth as part of my..." Gabe's mouth stopped moving and his eyes went wide at the sight of Half Life 3 in my hands.

"You were saying?" I smiled like a cheeky cunt as I put a knife against the game as if to slit its throat... somehow. Gabe was totally silent for a moment, and an uncomfortable silence filled the hall. No one wanted to make a sound. That was until Gabe began moving his lips again.

"Let me get this straight... you got your story taken away from you, probably been beaten several time, come to my city, kill several if not all the guards, get sent to the Source Engine where you were supposed to be stuck in forever, found Garry's Mod, brought every single character from every Valve game to fight me, and now you are threatening me, Gabe Newell, the Lord of Everything with Half-Life... Half-Life..." He stopped short of saying 3 every time.

"Half-Life 3." I finished for him as I slowly nodded my head. He also nodded his head.

"You went through all of this... just for a story?"

"That and Roosterteeth is holding my fucking family hostage... yeah." I shrugged as Gabe started laughing.

"You went through Hell just for all of this?" Gabe smiled while I nodded again. "That is some serious dedication you got there young man!"

"I-I guess..." Good thing he doesn't know I'm a total coward.

"Okay... listen up..." Gabe waved me over and I noclipped over to him. "I'll do it." The rights to my story suddenly appear in my hands and I squeal with joy. "I could use a guy like you at Valve... how old are you?"

"17."

"Pfffft! Let's just say you're 18 and you're hired, eh?"

"Really!?" I had a huge smile on my face. "I get to work at Valve!?"

"More than just that, you get to become a full on leader here in my new nation. Full access to everything the other leaders have too, since I'm making you my second in command."

"Can I be something lower though?"

"Haha-wait... why?"

"Positions of power scare me." I said truthfully.

"Okay..."

There we go. Gabe gave me full permission to punish Roosterteeth, but all I did was wipe their memories so that they are now just like how everyone sees them in ACTUAL real life. Breaking the meta too hard, am I?

Well anyway, I returned the rights to every single fanfic author Roosterteeth raided with their security forces. As for all the dead guards? I had them all revived and sent them back to jail since every single one of them actually were inmates Roosterteeth hired for cheap, and started looking for actual trained guys with skills to act as security.

"Well... turns out I actually do get a happy ending!" I laughed as portals were opened up for the Valve characters to return to the Valveverse. I opened up a separate portal so that the mercs can return to Mercs in Remnant.

"Are you sure you don't want to come along with us?" They asked as they stopped right before the portal.

"Nah, people are going to bitch about it in the reviews if I add myself. The reviews will probably bitch about this last chapter too." I explained. "Plus... if I actually was in Remnant I would probably die right away."

"Speaking of yourself, what is your name anyway?" Spy asked. "We only know you as the 'author'."

"And little coward!" Soldier added.

"Oh... my name is... well... if my readers added me on Steam and bothered to check it out... fuck it. My name is Sorun Chhim." I said, a little afraid you guys are going to fuck me up for revealing my actual name. "And no... I'm serious with not going to Remnant."

"Suit yourself, mate." Sniper said as he entered the portal. Engie was suddenly stopped when I brought him to me.

"Hold on cowboy... I got something for you."

"What is it boss?" He wondered. I pulled out a very ornate Colt Single Action Army Revolvers and handed it to him.

"This is for you. Now you can be a true cowboy!" I slap him on the back.

"Gee! Thanks partner!" He waved me goody with his gloved hand as he went into the portal, and it closed after that.

That's when I stopped smiling.

"Oh shit... his hand is still fucked..." I remembered that his Gunslinger was melted. "How am I going to fix that..." I wondered, but then I stopped because that's not how I write.

"Time to spawn a computer!"


And we're done with this! Only the other part of the mercenaries' backgrounds left and we'll be back to the actual story. Again, this was just a joke since I really didn't feel like jumping into Volume 4 right away. Just some fun stuff to read until I'm ready. As for myself in this little thing, I wrote myself as close to how I actually am as possible with the imagination of mind mixed with it. I really am a cowardly bastard.

Hey, you seen the new story out there? "Remnant's New Mercenaries"? You should check it out. It be done by my boi TF2RwbyCrossover, an extremely specific name, and it starts off pretty good. Speaking of which, read Awesome Arod's story too. Him story am call "A New Beginning For RED." Both of these guys came forward and straight up say they be inspire by me, and all I have to say to that is that I have come full circle.

For those of you who don't know, I was inspired to write this from my boi ATTF's stories, and now I'm inspiering other bois to write stuff. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I am 100,000% honored to know that, and I cannot be more thankful to find that Fanfiction was not a sea of treachery and despair where people hated each other.

I appreciate everything guys, and Madlice since she's the only one who actually said she was a girl.

Review Responses:

MrtheratedG: It's okay.

Stryker Mikazuki J: LEARN!

A fan: Okay. I understand.

M1903A4: Yeah. I believe the A4 was the sniper variant used in World War II. And you have plenty of imagination. Just got to mine it out of your mind, then you can smoke as much as you want.

Wd21: Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Your welcome.

FrankZTank13: Yeah, I had to look it up, but it was only because I was in the mood for something crazy and funny.

Swaglord: You will see.