Chapter 1: I don't want to see what I have seen
I woke up from another nightmare and rose in my bed. I was sweating and panting. After I calmed down, I let myself sink into the pillows again. I looked onto my phone display to check the time. 5.12 am. I groaned. Although I always felt sleepy, I did not sleep more than a couple of hours every night. It was so frustrating.
And then all of a sudden, I felt terribly sick. I headed to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time to throw up. My head rested on the toilet seat. When the sick-feeling faded, I stood up, brushed my teeth and washed my face. The bruises have not faded after nearly a week.
I did my hair into a ponytail, put some clothes on and went for a walk. It was too early to be spending time with Henry or do anything other useful. In the bed&breakfast it was still so quiet, I went downstairs on tiptoe, afraid of waking someone up.
When I was outside, I took deep breaths. I sighed because I knew that I would not get some sleep this afternoon as I usually did in my apartment when I could not sleep well in the night. I tried it two days ago but Ruby and her Grandmother were screaming about something, they always had something to fight about.
I was heading in no particular direction. Just walking and getting my head free. I was freezing a bit since it was a very cold night or rather morning. Suddenly, I was standing in front of the hospital. My missed appointment came to my mind. But why did they have to check my blood levels when I was dying anyway? Nonetheless, I could use some more painkillers.
I checked if there was someone who could see me walking in. I was glad I woke up so early. I went inside and headed directly to the reception. A nurse was smiling at me. „Hello dear, how can I help you?" „Umm… you see, I missed an appointment last week and I need to make a blood test. Is this a problem at such an early time? You see, I just don't want the people to get talking."
„Of course not. Please wait here, I will go fetch a doctor." „And could you send the results to my doctor. I am not sticking around in Storybrooke much longer." „Sure, just write down his name and address and I will search for his fax number." „Thank you." „Sit down. It may take some time."
I sat down and distracted my mind with reading a magazine. Without paying much attention, I flipped through it, now and again stopping to admire certain clothes.
A doctor came out of a room, reading something on a clipboard. „Miss Swan?" „Yes, that's me." „Please, come with me." I went after him and he closed the door behind me. He pointed at a chair. „Please, take a seat. I am Dr. Whale. How can I help you?" „You have to take my blood and check the blood levels." „A certain reason?" While he was talking with me, he grabbed an empty syringe and injected it. I did not look because I am not very fond of blood. Funny, isn't it?
„Yes." „You can talk to me. I will not tell anybody. I can see that it's something serious, since you have many punctures that are very recent." „I would rather talk with my doctor about it." „It's your decision. Your bruises seem to be pretty bad too. Did someone hit you? Is this the reason you don't want to talk about it?" „No, nobody hurt me. I had an accident." A nurse came in, took the injection from him and walked out of the room again.
„Anything else I can do for you?" „Yes there is, I need more painkillers, maybe you could give me a recipe?" „What kind do you need?" I handed him the box in which only a few pills were left. „I'll go get you some." He now could guess what I had. He pitied me, I could see it. I hate it when people looked at me like that.
After a few minutes he came back, handed me the now full box and guided me outside. „I hope you get well soon, Miss Swan."
I stormed outside of the hospital. Without looking where I went, I bumped into someone. The box with pills flew out of my pocket and landed on the floor. I murmured an apology and wanted to grab the box as fast as possible but the someone I bumped into, took it first.
I lifted my eyes and saw the sheriff. „Graham." He starred at the box. „I knew something was up with you." Not another one who pitied me. „You are a junkie, stealing pills from the hospital." Why did he always have to assume the worst when it came to me? „I am not." „You cannot lie to me, I am the sheriff." „What did I do to that you mistrust me this much?" „I made research on you. You are an ex-prisoner."
„How did you find out? The records were sealed. And that was a long time ago. People change." „Not people like you." I cannot believe it. He thought I was still a criminal. What if he told Regina? Henry would be devastated. „Did you tell Regina about that?" „No." „Good. I don't want Henry to get to know he was born in jail." „Understandable." I wanted to leave but he stopped me, grabbing me hard by the wrist. „Where do you think you are going? You have to come to the station with me. I have to report this."
I felt the anger burning inside of me. Who did he think he was? Something better than me, judging me because I was in jail because my stupid boyfriend ran away, betraying me, handing me over to the police. I did not knew better then, I was never shown. Without thinking I pulled my shirt up. „What are you doing, put your shirt back down." Although he sounded pissed, he still starred at my exposed body, taking in the sight of my breast in the white lace-bra. His body betrayed his mind. His eyes dark with lust.
„See this, this a portacath. That's an a access disk for medical treatments. I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Do you know what this means?" „No, I am afraid not." „I have cancer. You fucking idiot." I pulled my shirt down. He has let go of my hand.
I ripped the box of painkillers out of his hand. Tears of anger burning in my eyes. He looked speechlessly at me. I almost ran away from him. What have I done? Why did I tell him? He certainly will tell everyone. Why could I not control my anger? I could have said something about the accident and the bruises and therefore the painkillers, but no, no, Emma Swan had to make a show. I did not want anyone to know, especially not Henry. Tears were running down my cheeks.
I could hear footsteps behind me. „Emma, wait!" I did not stop, but he caught up to me fast. „I don't want to talk with you." He stood before me and stopped me. „Look, I am sorry." He saw the tears on my cheek. „I am really sorry. I pushed you into revealing your illness to me. I am such a jerk." „Yeah, you are." He smiled at me. „Please, don't tell anyone." „I won't." Now I smiled back at him. „Want something to eat? It's on me, of course." „Sounds good", I replied.
—
It was good talking to Graham, although he treated me differently now, he did not act like I was ill. He joked with me, made me laugh. It felt good. I forgot for some time about the things I worry all the time.
„Want something more to drink?" „A cocoa with cinnamon, please." „Cinnamon? Interesting. I'll be right back." He gave me another grin before heading to grab the drink. The door to the diner went open and Killian stepped in. Gods, I really did not want to talk with him right now. I hope he did not see me. But of course he did. He waved at me and walked right to my desk.
„May I?" He just sat down. „I did not say yes." „But you did not say no either, love." He grinned at me, his eyes on my body. „Why are you wasting your time, Killian? I already made my point clear. I am not interested." „I am not yet convinced that I waste my time. We will see." I grabbed my bag and said: „I have to go now." Before he could reply anything I walked over to Graham.
„Hey, thanks for breakfast but I will be heading to my room now." „What about your cocoa?" „Drink it yourself. I promise it tastes much better with cinnamon." Graham's gaze fell to our desk where Killian was sitting, watching us intensely. Graham suddenly looked protectively in my direction. He leaned over to me and kissed my check. He then whispered in my ear: „I enjoyed today." „Me too."
I walked out of the diner, looking at Killian once more. He did not look at me. I guess I have hurt his ego. Man, he deserved that. He should not be so cocky all the time. I am sure that his pickup lines worked on many women but I was different. I admit that I got turned on by him but that's all. I had too much self-respect and dignity to sleep with a womanizer like him.
I did not want to be a one night stand once more again. I did not want to waste my time with a guy who only saw me as a bed bunny, a toy that he could use to pleasure him.
All that such men did was expecting you to leave in the morning. They did not even want you to stay for breakfast or ask you for your number. For a time that was okay with me too. But as I have said. People change.
—-
I spent the rest of the day with Henry. I enjoyed our meetings. He was so different than I thought. He was so smart, funny and above all he was always so optimistic. I did not even understand why he had no friends in school.
We were sitting on his castle. „And how is it at home?" He did not look at me. „She makes me go to Dr. Hopper." „Why? Are you ill?" I was shocked. Maybe I had passed my illness on to him. „No, she thinks I am crazy." I felt relieved. „Is it because of the fairytale-thing?" He nodded. „Then maybe you should not talk about it with her and pretend you do not believe it."
„Are you believing me?" „Henry, I am convinced that you think its true. And I don't know what's out there. Maybe it's true. I also have to admit it would be cool to live in a world with Peter Pan and Wendy. I always liked the story of Neverland. So tell me, are superheros real too? Like Spiderman or Batman?" „I don't know but that would be really cool." We both chuckled.
Suddenly, he got silent and looked sad. „When are you leaving?" It broke my heart seeing him like that. „I am going to miss you, Emma." I almost had to cry. He has gotten so attached to me, that he would miss me. And be honest Emma, you would miss him too. I ruffled his hair. „Maybe I am staying for another while, just to make sure you are okay and that the evil queen is not hurting you." His face lit up. „Really?" „Yes." He hugged me. I have gotten used to his hugs, hell, I sometimes needed them. Like now. „I have to go now. My mother has cooked and she will be angry if I won't show up. See you tomorrow, Emma." I did not want to let go of him but I reluctantly did. „See you tomorrow, kid."
—
I was sitting at the beach and starring at the sea. It had something calming to watch the waves. It was getting dark. And then suddenly, the list came to my mind. Unbelievable, but I could tick of some points of it. Like meeting my son. Opening up to people (Graham). Finding a home (I am staying). Maybe it was time to make another wish come true.
I was undressing. Before I had made sure, that no one was there to see me. I was only in my underwear and walked into the water. It was freezing. But I wanted to swim now so badly. I could not back off. I went deeper down, until my whole body was underwater. My heart was racing. It was so cold but it felt so good. I swam to a moored buoy. I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet.
I dived under, holding myself onto the chain of the buoy, so that I would not emerge. I counted the seconds I stayed underwater. I could feel the need for air burning in my chest. But I still did not want to surface yet.
I let go of the chain and let myself sink further down. The only thing I heard was the pumping of my own heart. Other than that, it was completely silent down here.
A voice deep inside of me whispered to stop fighting. To let the water take me away. Facing death earlier, deciding the point of my death myself and to let go of all the pain, I went through, of all the pain I would have to face in the future.
I exhaled, seeing the bubbles emerging only blurry before my eyes. But then I remembered Henry, and that he probably needed me. No, don't twist the facts, Emma. You need him to keep yourself from being alone. You are using him. And when you die and he has grown fond of you, you will leave him shattered. It was better to go now. To give him his best chance. So that he won't become like you. Hopeless. Broken. Afraid.
Sadness overcame me. I did not want to go back up there, where everything was so complicated. The darkness was lulling me, singing a song that could only be heard by me.
But then I swam back to the surface again, taking deep breaths. I could not let go. I did not want to die. Henry and I … we had a chance. A chance to become happy together. Even if we don't have that much time. It will be enough. It has to be enough for his sake.
I turned around and was on my way back since I was already shivering from the bitter cold. And then I saw him, standing at the beach. He had my clothes in his hands. „You are crazy, Swan. It's too cold to go swimming." I was too shocked to see him here, when minutes ago I nearly let myself drown. But I quickly recovered. „To my mind, the water is wonderful, but I guess you are too much of a pansy, Jones."
Even at this distance I could see him smile. „Swan, if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask." My clothes fell to the floor. He undressed himself. What had I done? I simply should have ignored him. Now here I was, starring at his body. I could not keep my eyes off of him. He wore only his boxer-shorts and dived into the water.
He was gasping and swearing. He was swimming closer to me, smirking. Although it was dark, I saw that his lips turned blue because of the cold. „I cannot believe you made me do this." „I did not force you into anything." „Please, you were asking for it. You challenged my ego", he said in a low, sexy voice.
He was so close to me, it almost hurt. I did not know why he made feel this way all the time. He was embracing me, touching my bare skin. It took all my self-restraint to keep myself from kissing him, touching him. „Let go of me. I am cold. I will be swimming back now." „Love, I can make you warm again." I kicked him hard enough to make him pull his arms away. Even though I hated it, but I admitted, that his hands around me had felt good. Safe. And now, it was like something was missing.
I swam the crawl to get back fast. I reached the point where I could stand again and stood up. He was close behind me. As soon as I stood up, I caught him starring at my breasts, his eyes suddenly dark with lust. The bra had turned see-through. I was cursing. I wrapped my arms around my breasts, trying to cover the portacath. I hoped he had not noticed. „Don't cover up on my account, love." „Turn around." „I have already seen it, love." He was making me so furious. I stepped out of the water, pissed and shivering. I put on my clothes, he was standing beside me, doing the same.
I did not talk to him, nor look at him. „You have a nice body, love." „I am not in the mood for your games." „If I recall right, you started this time." „I am going home now." „Let me bring you." „I can take care of myself." „You are shivering. Here take it." He was handing me his shirt, which he had not put on yet. My eyes travelled over his body. „I don't need it." „I am insisting you take it." I just walked away from him.
„Stubborn woman", I heard him growl. Although I had put my clothes on, I was still quivering. Maybe it was not the best idea I had.
„You know, I am not deaf, I can hear you following me." „We are just heading in the same direction." „Sure." He was on my heels the whole way back to Granny's bed&breakfast. I turned around. „Pleased now?" „I just wanted to make sure you get home well." I wanted to walk inside but I saw my suitcase on the stairs. I looked confused and opened it. All of my things were in there.
I stormed inside. „What does this mean? Are you kicking me out? I wanted to stay longer." „Miss Swan, we are sorry, but I need to ask you to leave. I'm afraid we have a ‚no felons' rule and you got arrested because of your accident. It… It turns out it's a city ordinance." I cannot believe she did that. Why was she so eager to keep me away from Henry? „I need to have your room key back." I nearly threw the key at her and rushed out before she could see my tears.
I grabbed my suitcase and wanted to walk over to my car, recalling that it's still at the repair shop. So I just sat at the staircase and shivered and cried. This was a horrible day. Suddenly, I felt something being wrapped around me. It was Killian who covered me with his shirt. „Tough day, huh?" „You have no idea." „Looks like you have no place to stay tonight." He was right. I had no idea where I could stay. I would sleep in my car but that was no option either.
„You know, you can come to my place, and I promise you, I won't do anything you don't want to. I have also a bed sofa." „I don't think that's a good idea." „I don't think you have that many options, Swan." He was right, I had not. „I have a bathtub too, so you can warm yourself up." „But only for one night."
—
I was standing awkwardly in his apartment. I waited for him to return with some towels. I did not want to look around since I did not want him to believe I was interested in anything that was connected to him. My hair was dripping. I felt bad for making everything wet.
He came back. „Here you go. The bathroom is the door over there." I took the towels and walked over to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I drew a bath. Only hot water. I slipped out of my clothes and let myself sink into the hot water slowly. My skin was burning at the beginning, but then my whole body relaxed. It was such a relief after the shivering. My body had only stopped shaking then. Although I did not want to leave, I got out of the bathtub. I was wrapped in the towel. I had forgotten to bring some dry clothes with me.
I was cursing. I opened the door and hoped that he was not around, so that I just could pick up my clothes and hurry back to the bathroom. But of course he was there. He had a steaming mug in his hands. He was cold too. I should not have been so selfish and let him take a bath first. It was his home after all. Maybe I would not have forgotten to grab some clothes then.
He looked at me with a grin on his face. He put the mug down and walked over to me. Again, I stood pressed against a wall, trying to crawl back further away from him. „You are constantly saying that you are not interested, love, but your actions speak another language." He was smirking. I wanted to punch his grin out of his face.
I was breathing heavily. He noticed too. My body ached for him whenever he was this clothes to me. I nearly lost hold of the towel. He put a strand of hair behind my ear, touching my skin briefly. „You are hot." I laughed. „What? After all your pickup lines you believe this is working?" „No, Swan, you are burning. I think you have a fever."
He handed me some clothes of his since I did not have that many in Storybrooke. I never planned to stay that long. „Way too big for you, but better than your soaking wet clothes." „Thanks." He went out of the room. I quickly got dressed. And walked outside to the main room again. „So where am I sleeping?" „Drink this. It's an anti-febrile." While I was drinking, he looked at me closely. „You look good in my clothes." I rolled my eyes and sat on the sofa. „I am really tired." „Come on, I'll show you where you sleep."
I followed him into what looked like his bedroom. „No, I won't take your bed away from you." „I don't mind sleeping on the couch." „Me neither." He pushed me onto the bed and forced me back when I wanted to stand up. His hands still on my shoulder, he said: „Gives me so many fantasies, Swan." I was blushing because my mind was filled with fantasies too. His strong hands exploring my body, squeezing me, tickling me. Making me want more. But no, Emma, get a hold of yourself!
„Have a good night." He leaned forward, his lips nearly touching mine, our noses only inches away. He then gave me a kiss onto my cheek. „I am so much better than Graham, love. Don't make me jealous again." He stood up and left the room, leaving me in darkness.
He was jealous of Graham. Did this mean he liked me? Or was he just pissed Graham got in his way to have another bed bunny? I just could not understand him. He confused me every time I saw him.
The sheets, pillow and the blanket were smelling of him. I felt comforted the instance I wrapped myself in the blankets. I was yawning. I was just so tired. I feel asleep minutes later.
—
When I woke up, the sun was shining. I usually did not sleep that long. I looked onto the clock next to his bed. 7.47 am. I stood up and stretched myself. Then I got out of the room. I walked into the living room/kitchen on tiptoe since I heard him snoring.
I found my clothes on a drying rack. I grabbed them and went into the bathroom to get dressed. I decided to look around a bit since I did not have to worry about him catching me as long as I heard his snores.
He had a small apartment which had a lovely view of the water outside. There were many paintings of boats on his walls, one showing mermaids. There were also a few pictures, many of them with him and Graham. So I guessed the two were friends.
He had also a huge bookshelf with more books than I have ever seen in my life. I let my hand glide over the books. I pulled one out and dropped it when I heard him clearing his throat behind me. I turned around, my cheeks burning. „How long have you been standing there?" „Long enough." „Anyway, I am going now. Thanks for letting me sleep here." I wanted to rush past him but of course he would not let me go. He grabbed my wrist and touched my forehead. „How are you feeling today? The fever seemed to have faded." „I am fine."
„Wanna have something to eat?" „I am not hungry. And I am meeting someone." He tensed. He was thinking of Graham. Well, let him believe that, Emma. „You won't change your mind?" He pleaded with me. Although I did not want it, his sad eyes made me say: „No, Henry's school is starting in an hour. I want to walk him there." Now he seemed to be relieved.
„Well, I won't hold you back any longer then." He let go of my wrists and I walked outside. Leaning against the door and sighing.
—
That bitch. I hated her so much. I am glad I decided to stay. She has threatened me several times until now, even causing Henry pain, because I admitted in front of her that he is crazy without knowing he was listening. I did not mean to say it but I just wanted to hurt her, showing her that Henry's upbringing was making him go crazy.
I am glad I could sort things out with him. I believe we were closer now than ever, we were bonding, all thanks to Regina since she drove him away from her with her actions. Also we had operation cobra started, which was a crazy name since cobras did not have anything to do with fairytales but hey, I liked spending time with Henry. He still believed I was the savior and could bring the happy endings back into this town. But I did not mind him thinking this anymore. Maybe it was time to have a happy ending. Our happy ending. As long as we could be together, I was fine. I was smiling to myself.
