(Hey everyone! Here's installment 2! Don't forget to read and review!)
Gluttony: (noun) Habitual excess of greed in eating or drinking.
"Do not be with heavy drinkers of wine, Or with gluttonous eaters of meat; For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty, And drowsiness will clothe one with rags." Proverbs 23:20-21
Jennifer Jareau: Gluttony
Will had spent weeks planning this date night. He worked out the details with Hotch so that I would be on official vacation time, no matter what case came in. He arranged with Garcia that Henry would stay overnight at her house, so we wouldn't have to rush through anything in order to get back and relieve the nanny. It was supposed to be the perfect night.
I leave work at four, smiling as my coworkers tease me about the night to come. I keep the smile in place as I exit the bull pen, as I step into the elevator, as I cross the lobby and parking lot, and as I get into my car. I smile and wave to the security guard as I accelerate past his booth and onto the street. But as I pull to a stop at a red light half a mile from the BAU, I let it drop. I stop pretending.
I don't want to go out with Will tonight. I love my husband more than anything in this world, not counting our child together of course. On some level I am happier than I have ever been. We have a good life together. However, things have been different since I got back from Afghanistan. When I hold Henry, my heart aches for the baby I lost. When Will runs his hand across my lower back or presses a kiss into the side of my neck I can't stop from shrugging away from his embrace. The shame I feel about the miscarriage and the guilt I harbor about lying to Will makes my skin crawl. I mean, he's my husband. He's supposedly the one person on Earth who will be on my side no matter what happens. But I can't let my guard down.
When I get home, the smile is back in place. Will is playing with Henry in the living room and my heart is all at once filled with love and adoration and broken down inside my chest at the sight. Our little boy sees me and stumbles toward me, his arms outstretched. I pick him up and squeeze him tight, relishing in his warmth and the weight of him in my arms. I press a kiss onto his slightly sticky cheek.
"Hey there, Cher. How was work?" Will brushes the hair out of my face and runs his thumb across my cheekbone. I can't meet the tender look in his eye and turn my head, taking Henry into the kitchen.
"It was good! Overall it was a slow day. Mainly just paperwork." I sit him on the counter and wet a paper towel, wiping at his face.
"So no case? They won't be missing you too bad?"
"As of four pm Eastern time, no cases. Or rather, lots of cases, none that BAU is actively pursuing at the moment."
"Well that's me feel a little better about stealing away the bureau's most beautiful and kick ass profiler." He gives me a crooked grin, the same smile that had taken my breath away when we first met. He places a hand on the counter on either side of me, effectively trapping me. He leans forward and presses a kiss to my lips. I try to respond with enthusiasm but I can tell my attempt falls flat. He pulls back and sighs, looking at me with sad eyes.
"JJ, what's-" He is interrupted by the doorbell. I brush past his arms to get the door. Garcia is standing there, the picture of excitement.
"Is the little man ready to go? I have so many exciting things planned for tonight!" Will appears behind me, Henry in his arms.
"Penny!" he exclaims.
"Hey there, handsome! Oh my goodness every time I see you, you've grown like a foot! You're going to be going off to college any day now!" Henry giggles as Will hands him over.
"I'm gonna go install the car seat in your backseat," he tells Garcia. I stand back, letting her in. She follows me upstairs as I begin throwing things into a bag for the over night trip.
"Soooo… Dish! What are the plans for tonight? Tell me everything!"
I chuckle at her excitement. "I don't really know to be honest. Will has been in charge of all of the planning, he hasn't told me much." I root through a drawer, looking for a pair of pants to match the shirt I've chosen.
"Well that's very mysterious and romantic! Maybe you should pack Henry an extra change of clothes. Y'know in case you're a little too… Worn out from being in the throes of passion to take care of a kid." She wiggles her eyebrows at me, her lips held in a naughty smirk.
"Garcia!" I admonish, gently throwing a pair of socks at her.
"No throwing in the house!" Henry parrots from the bed.
"No you're right baby, no throwing in the house." I agree. To be honest, Will and I hadn't been truly intimate in months. He wanted to of course, but I couldn't. Hell, there were times when I wanted to as well. But I can't.
"Yeah! Well… We'll just have to pull it together. Thank you for watching Henry, by the way. We really owe you one."
"Oh please! Thank you! I love getting to hang out with this guy." Garcia begins a sneak tickle attack on my little one. He screams with laughter.
Will appears in the doorway. "Alright Garcia. Once you're done ticklin' my boy, the car is ready and waiting. All set for your big adventure!"
"Big adventure, yay!" cries Henry.
"Yay!" all three adults respond. I throw a few more things into the bag then hand it over to Garcia. We follow her down the stairs and out to her car.
"Alright big man, come her and give me a hug." Garcia passes Henry over to Will, who wraps his arms around his tiny body. "I love you, Hen. You're gonna have a great time at Aunty Pen's house and she's gonna bring you back tomorrow, okay?" He presses a kiss into his hair. "Give you're Momma a kiss."
I stretch out my hands and Henry does the same. I hold him close and breathe in his sweet scent.
"Bye Momma. Love you."
"I love you too, baby. Have a lot of fun and we'll see you tomorrow." Garcia buckles him into his car seat and shuts the door.
"Alrighty! Well we are off to have a great night with lots of cool movies and sugary candy."
"Suit yourself! Have fun."
"You too!" she calls as she gets into her car. As we stand, waving them off, Will puts his arms around my waist and pulls me into his side. My body freezes up and once Garcia turns the corner I turn and walk into the house.
"JJ wait-"
"I'm going to go get ready." I throw over my shoulder, refusing to look at him.
Two hours later, we're sitting at a table in an Italian restaurant. The lights are low and a single candle glimmers on the table. Generic classical music plays in the background, just audible over the clink of cutlery against china and the murmur of conversation. The waiter has already taken our orders and poured us wine. I swirl the crimson liquid around in my glass, looking at the other diners. Will takes my hand, making me look his way.
"I'm glad we're doing this."
I give him a small smile. "Me too." I finish the wine in my glass and set the glass to the side to be refilled. I pull my hand away from his grasp, instead picking up bread from the basket the waiter left. I tear off chunks and eat them in rapid succession. The buttery flavor explodes on my tongue and I realize I am suddenly ravenous. My stomach aches as if I haven't eaten in days. Will watches me. The waiter comes by and refills my wineglass.
"Can we have more bread when you have a moment?"
"JJ slow down; you're gonna choke, honey." I return the bread to my plate and take a gulp of wine. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah Will. Everything's fine."
"Really? Cause you've barely looked at me since we sat down." I sigh, swinging my eyes to look at him. "Talk to me, Cher."
"About what?"
"About whatever it is that's eating you! Something is wrong and you won't let me in."
"Can we not just enjoy this meal out? I mean, you went to all of this trouble to get me time off and to have Garcia take Henry. Let's just eat." I take a deep swallow of wine. I tear off another chunk of bread.
"Okay… How are things at the Bureau?"
"They're fine. We're busy but we're staying on top of it. How are things at the police station?"
"They're good. Asher's out on medical leave with his shoulder so we're a bit short staffed, but we'll manage."
"Don't forget, next Tuesday we have that parent's night at gymnastics."
"I already put in a request off with the Sergeant."
We sit in silence for a few moments. I drag my fingers through my hair. "You look beautiful tonight," he whispers.
"Thank you." His eyes are so soft and full of love that it it feels as if my very bones will splinter apart under his gaze. For a split moment, I want to tell him everything about Afghanistan. About the choices I made and how they killed an innocent woman, the soldiers I had been sent there to aid, and the baby I never even had a chance to share with him. But I bite my tongue and hide everything away. As hard as it is to see Will look at me with such undeserved adoration, the only thing worse would surely be to see him look at me with the contempt and revulsion I deserve, the same dark loathing that hides inside my soul.
The waiter arrives with our food and slides the plates in front of us with a caution for the hot plates. He tops off my wine and I gratefully dig in to my pasta, hoping that it well help quench the empty feeling I have inside.
The rest of dinner is spent stuffing myself with food and avoiding Will's gentle probes into what has been bothering me. I have several more glasses of wine, and by the time Will pulls the SUV into our driveway, I'm more than a little drunk. I walk towards the front door, stumbling a bit between the alcohol and my heels on the grass. Will follows behind me, observing. Once inside I throw down my wrap and purse on the couch and make my way to the kitchen. I take a bottle of wine off the rack and retrieve a glass from the drying rack.
"Jayje, honey don't you think you've had enough?"
I busy myself at the counter, keeping my back turned to him. "I'm a grown woman. If I want to have a glass of wine, I think I'll be fine."
"Well yes, but you've already had like five." I can feel the heat of his body as he comes to stand directly behind me. He takes the wine from my hand, takes a sip, and sets it to the side. He brings his hands to my shoulders and begins to knead at the knots he finds there. The pressure feels good on my tight muscles and I relax the tiniest bit. Then his soft lips are on the tender patch of skin just behind my jaw bone and suddenly the room doesn't contain enough oxygen to fill my constricted lungs. I try to brush past but he grabs me around the waist and pulls me close.
"Will…"
"C'mon Jen. Henry's at Garcia's and it's been so long since I've really held you in my arms…"
He leans in for a kiss and I pull sharply away. I take another drink of wine and begin to raid our pantry, anxiously trying to find something to occupy my mouth and mind.
"Enough JJ! What is it? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?" He has finally lost his composure. He untucks his shirt from his pants and unbuttons the sleeves, rolling them towards his elbows.
I take a handful of goldfish from the bag and eat them, one at a time, not looking at him."What? No. I already told you, nothing is wrong-"
"Bullshit!"
I raise my voice to match his; we're now shouting at each other from opposite sides of the kitchen. "You don't get to talk to me like that!"
"Well hell, JJ! What exactly do you want me to do? Something is obviously wrong and you won't admit it, let alone talk about it, and I'm feelin' left out in the cold here!"
"Just drop it! Can't you see I just want to be left alone!" As soon as I say the words, I can see how much they hurt him, but it doesn't mean they're any less true.
"Fine. You wanna be left alone? Wish granted." He turns on his heel storms off into the living room.
"Will, wait!" I follow him, watch as he grabs his jacket and keys.
"No. Ever since you came back it's been like you can't stand me, like you can't even bare to look at me, and God damn it I have tried to be understanding and patient but if you can't open up and at least admit that something is going on, then I don't know what else there is to do tonight."
"Will!" I cry, but with a slamming of the front door he is gone. I am left alone in my living room. I slowly walk back to the kitchen. I numbly reach for another handful of goldfish but artificial cheese flavor does nothing to soothe me. I go to the fridge and try to find something to fill this void. Will's words reverberate in my mind as leftover pizza, potato chips, the oatmeal raisin cookies I buy to pack in his lunch, also disappear mindlessly into my mouth.
Suddenly I am too full, bursting at the seams. I stumble into our downstairs bathroom. It's too much, I have too many feelings rattling inside my rib cage. I kneel in front of the toilet and my middle finger finds its way down my throat pressing on the back of my tongue. I haven't done this since high school and yet the movements come as easily as if it were yesterday. The barely digested food runs over my hand, into the toilet bowl. I keep pressing, I need everything out. I accidentally press too far and my fingernail cuts the back of my throat. The next time I retch, it is stained with slight bloody tint.
It is only now that I cry. The tears begin to flow and I find that I can't stop them. I slam the lid shut and flush before washing off my hand and mouth at the sink. I swipe messily at my cheeks. I make my way back to the kitchen and my glass of wine. I down the rest of the tart liquid and go to refill it before reconsidering and abandoning the glass all together and drinking straight from the bottle.
I feel lonely and abandoned, yet there is a voice inside my head who says that I deserve it. My head and heart both ache, and my senseless sobs begin to take on the shape of Will's name. I take another drink of wine and retrieve my phone from my purse on the couch. I hit the number 1 speed dial and as it rings I rehearse my apology to my husband. However, when he answers his voice is gruff and low with hurt, and I find that I can't speak, only cry. I end the call and drop my phone on the couch. I grab the bottle and kick off my heels before making my way messily up the stairs.
I sit criss cross on my master bathroom floor and weep. I mourn the lives lost and secrets kept and how much I love Will and Henry and how stupid I was to push them away instead of cling to them. The tears are never ending. I am almost to the end of the bottle when I feel the lurch in my stomach. I crawl to the toilet and lift the lid just in time. I try my best to keep my hair held back but it's a losing battle and then suddenly someone else is holding it back. Will grabs a hair tie from the counter and hastily secures my long tresses back before rubbing slow circles on my back. I heave and heave until my core muscles scream in protest.
It finally subsides and I turn so that my back is against the tub. Will, my wonderful Will, flushes the mess and wets a washcloth. I use it to wipe my mouth as well as mascara streaked tears as he gets me a glass of water from the sink. Then he sits beside me.
Slowly through my rambling and sometimes incoherent tears, I tell him everything. Truly everything. And he cries for the life we lost but he never lets go of my hand.
"Do you hate me?" I ask when I finish.
"Now you listen to me, Jennifer Jareau. There isn't a thing you could do that would ever make me hate you. You are my wife, and I love you and Henry more than anything else on this Earth. I wish you would have told me this sooner but it doesn't matter. Now it's out and I don't blame you. Not for one single bit of it. I love you."
"I love you too, Will. More than I can say." He helps me to my feet and stays with me as I brush my teeth and wash my face. Then he gently leads me to our bed. I kiss him and he responds before pulling back.
"No Cher. It's been a long night. That can wait, I never meant to pressure you about it."
But I shake my head. "No. I want this. I don't want to be apart from you. I need this." And our lips come together, and then our bodies shortly after. And the next morning, waking up safe and secure in his arms, the hunger in my soul finally feels satisfied.
