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Today was her first day back on shift and she was already endangering her lion's heart. When we exited the car, I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and shield her from the hail of bullets- but I knew I couldn't. She wasn't mine to protect anymore. Yes she was my partner and as her partner I would have her back, but I could never guard her with all my strength like I had done before; no matter how much I wanted to. I swore to myself that I would give her the space she needed to be the cop I knew she could be, and if that meant me not being the protective man I had been and stepping away from my role as her lover and protector- then so be it. I will not be the one to hold Andy McNally back.
I think that's part of the reason that I agreed to give her a lift to the Penny. I knew that by giving her an opportunity to talk, she would open up and hopefully move on because I don't want to be the one she's hung up on. She deserves better. She has the right to move on even though the thought of it contradicts every flame in my burning heart.
I told her that I chose Marlo because she's smart, fun and uncomplicated. That's true- she's easy whereas McNally is hard.
I told her that Marlo isn't her; but I don't know if that was me reassuring myself that simple is what I want, or if I was trying to implore Andy to realise that I still want her.
You see- complicated.
I had been reasonably content for the past six months. I had been enjoying the simplicity and ease that flowed between Marlo and I. As each day passed, I was sure that my connection to McNally was slowly ebbing away and I was finally allowing myself to be free, but now in the short time she has been back, she has sent my world into a tailspin and I'm not sure I want it to stop.
Andy McNally is a whirlwind. She is an unstoppable force to behold and an even greater force to love; but love her I do.
She has captivated me since day one. She's the one who broke into my shell and captured me. She has held an indeterminable amount of force over me without ever realizing it. She made me love her. She made me admire her. She made me want to be the man worthy of her.
That's why I won't hold her back. For me to be truly deserved of her, I must let her go.
Sometimes, letting go is the only thing you can do if you truly love someone.
