Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender belongs to Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko; I own nothing.
Chapter 2: Decisions We'll Regret
"Let us show you, Katara, rather than merely try and tell you." Roku waved his hand, creating a mist throughout the Palace Library and as it dissipated, Katara gasped as she stood, with the spirits, in the Southern Air Temple. Specifically, they were in the temple sanctuary among the statues of Avatars past, but this time, instead of the line ending in a statue of Roku as it had in her real memories, it stopped at Aang, sitting in a Lotus position. He was meditating, his arrow tattoos glowing with their unearthly white light. "He has been like this ever since he left you one month ago."
Katara glanced at the spirit of the old man beside her in shock, "He can't have stayed like this for a whole month! How has he survived?" After her slight outburst, she noticed that Roku was now a transparent blue figure. Glancing at the other spirits surrounding her, and at herself, she found they were all of a similar state.
"In answer to your obvious next question, we are in this state so that Aang can't see us. As spirits, we only allow the Avatar to see us when we want to be seen, despite the Avatar serving as the bridge between our world and yours. In response to your first question, although it is shocking, he has been like this for a month. He enveloped himself in a sphere of energy, just like he had during his century-long suspended animation in the iceberg. Despite this, it sometimes wavers due to his turbulent emotional state and he has been slowly starving to death."
Upon closer inspection, Katara could see that her beloved was indeed famished – his ribs were clearly visible and his skin, despite the glow radiating from parts of it, was visibly paler than it should have been. Sobbing, the Water Tribe girl dropped to her knees and tried to pull her Air Nomad boyfriend – or possible ex-boyfriend to be – into a hug to comfort him, but to no avail.
"While with us, you will function as a spirit, and as such, you will not be able to interact directly with those on the physical plane." Nodding at Roku's words, Katara placed her hands in her laps, staring at Aang's face. His hair had grown out slightly, before stopping from malnourishment – despite the circumstances Katara couldn't help but smile at it; she had always liked his hair. Then a wry chuckle escaped her lips as she saw that the stubble on Aang's chin and jawline he was constantly shaving away had grown into a short beard. He looked nice with a beard – different, but nice. It suited the more mature look he had been trying to give himself the past few years in an effort to outgrow his reputation as 'just a boy.' Then she saw his eyelids and his cheeks, covered in what could only be the stains of dried tears and Katara's own eyelids released their own tears anew as her sobs shook her body. She raised her head when she felt a hand on her shoulder, wiping her tears from her eyes.
"I … I did this to him, didn't I? I really, truly broke him." The face of Avatar Kyoshi appeared impassive, but Katara saw the sympathy deep within her eyes – largely for Aang, but also for Katara. Kyoshi nodded in response to Katara's questioning before presenting the young Waterbender with a question of her own.
"Did Aang ever tell you about his experience with Guru Pathik? How he wasn't able to unlock his seventh chakra?"
Katara froze at her questions – she knew exactly what the Earth Kingdom Avatar was describing. "Aang told me everything after we became a couple. He couldn't unlock the seventh chakra because he wasn't willing to let go of his earthly attachment – me. But something I never understood – then how was he able to enter the Avatar State beneath Ba Sing Se?"
Kyoshi locked her eyes with Katara's, and before the young woman could ask what she was doing, the Avatar's eyes glowed, presenting Katara with a scenario she remembered all too well – the catacombs of Old Ba Sing Se. This time, however, everything was from Aang's perspective.
"There's too many."
Glancing around, Aang knew there was only one way he and Katara could possibly survive this fight. He stared at her as Guru Pathik's words echoed in his mind, 'The only way is to let her go.' He knew that it was for the best. He loved her enough that he was willing to let go of that love if it meant she would survive this ordeal.
"I'm sorry, Katara."
Somehow, though, as he enclosed himself in a shelter of glowing crystals, he couldn't help but feel he was taking something away from her that she deserved. Even if she didn't share his romantic feelings, she still loved him as a friend – as a best friend, and to not be able to return her love even in that regard, it killed him inside.
He knew he had to do it quickly, but he felt a few silent, tearless sobs wrack his body as he began to let go of her. He felt the energy enter his body, and before he knew it, the top of his shelter had been blown away and he was floating in the air, the cosmic energy of the Avatar State radiating out from him. In an instant he saw Zuko and the Dai Li back away in a mixture of awe and fear at the sight while Katara looked on in hope and wonder, a mixture of pride … and friendly affection (or was that love?) etched on her beautiful face. Aang's mind was racing while his body prepared to unleash an assault on their attackers – he had unlocked the Avatar State, but he could still feel his connection to Katara! But it was slipping…
Before he had a chance to act, he saw the Avatar State, floating in the void of space, go dark and fall below the path of energy he walked on. Just as suddenly the path itself disappeared right as Aang started to feel an unimaginable pain in his body. As his spirit fell towards the world below and reentered the physical realm, he felt – nothing.
The unspeakable pain was gone and with it, so it seemed, was his life.
Then, just as suddenly as it was taken from him, his life returned. Groaning in a combination of relief and agony, Aang knew who his savior was before he even opened his eyes. As his eyelids separated ever so slightly, he saw her face, and couldn't help but smile. Seeing her smile back, as tears of happiness rolled down her cheeks replacing what he could only guess were tears of sorrow, he knew he hadn't lost her – he still loved her, he hadn't been able to let her go. And then, as she brought him up in an embrace, before gently resting his battered body against Appa, darkness claimed him again. But this time, he was alive.
Katara gasped for air as she was released from Aang's memories – the experience had been slightly overwhelming, to say the least. "He hadn't fully let me go because Azula killed him before he could?" She noticed Yangchen had appeared on her other side as Kyoshi left to rejoin the rest of the group.
"Correct, Katara. And despite this, he was still able to enter the Avatar State during his showdown with Fire Lord Ozai. He came to his four most recent past lives," She gestured to herself and the other gathered Avatars, "for advice on how to defeat the Fire Lord, largely for how to do so without killing him." Katara smiled at the memory – even when everyone else, herself included, had practically been shouting at Aang to kill a man the world would not miss, the young Airbender had stuck by his beliefs and found an alternative method to ending the war. "When he came to me, I told him that he must put the needs of the world before his own spirituality. I also told him that because he is the Avatar, he could never fully disconnect himself from the world – for the Avatar is the spirit of the world incarnate and it is impossible to separate yourself from yourself. Thus, when Ozai indirectly triggered the Avatar State, the sudden influx of cosmic energy, combined with the wisdom Aang had gained, allowed him to master the Avatar State in that moment, without giving the world, and his world – you – up."
"I understand now, thank you, Avatar Yangchen." The older woman smiled at her before turning her gaze towards her fellow spirits and stepping away from Katara. In her place, Avatar Kurk slowly sat down beside his fellow Water Tribesman.
"I, out of all gathered here, can understand the guilt you feel Master Katara. I know that it is possible your guilt over cheating on Aang will never come about, but still, I know what you are feeling." Katara opened her mouth to object, but Kuruk continued. "Before you protest, yes, I know you're adamant about not betraying Avatar Aang, but we cannot dismiss the possibility that it still might occur." The Avatar then hung his head, eyes closed, signifying he was ashamed of whatever tale he was going to tell her.
"Before I met my wife, Ummi, I was a very reckless man. I am not proud of the vast majority of my actions before I met her. The constant dueling and bending challenges I would enter into were the least of my foolish displays of my status as the Avatar. I would also enjoy the presence of female companions quite often. I even seduced wives who were happily married just because I found them to be attractive. When I met Ummi, I was overcome with guilt over my actions. I knew that the spirits had sent me a gift in the form of my bride, a woman capable of taming the beast I had become." A single tear slid down the side of Kuruk's face, but he made no effort to wipe it away.
"I wrecked many a marriage, including my own. On my wedding day, the spirit Koh, the face-stealer, stole my wife from me as punishment for my former irresponsible lifestyle. The greatest guilt I feel is to know that had I not cheated on so many good husbands, my beloved and I would have been officially wed that day and we could've had long, happy lives together." Opening his eyes and turning his head towards Katara, he continued. "In addition, my lack of action as the Avatar – since the world was at peace thanks to Yangchen – led to many of the problems Kyoshi faced as my successor. My advice to you, Master Katara, is to know that even the smallest ripples can create the deadliest of waves." Rising from his seat next to Katara, the young Waterbender waited expectantly for Roku to take his place.
Not disappointing his reincarnation's love, the old man kneeled before Aang, a frown playing on his features. "You've probably been wondering why Aang is in this state. Well, just as you made a foolish mistake in the heat-of-the-moment, your beloved is no wiser. In his sorrow and pain, Aang has decided that he can only protect the world without emotion; that it would be easier to be decisive in his actions if he let go of his love for you. I'm sorry, Katara, but you are witnessing the final moments that Aang will ever love you."
"WHAT?! No! Aang, I've not done anything yet! I know in this 'future' I've hurt you, but I love you! Don't do this to me! To us! To yourself! You won't be you anymore! Stop! Please!" Katara collapsed on the stone floor of the sanctuary, heaving with heavy sobs as Yue came to console her friend.
Yue's words were forced; she hated to speak them at all, especially while Katara was in so much pain, "We know this is difficult Katara, but for the sake of the world, you have to see this." Pulling the young woman into a hug, Yue felt Katara bury her face against the Moon Spirit's shoulder, shaking with grief.
"Katara."
At the sound of his voice, she tore herself from Yue's arms and faced Aang.
"Aang, I'm sorry. None of this will ever happen, of that I promi-"
"I'm so, so sorry, Katara. I love you so much. I thought what we shared was something beautiful – the kind of love they write about in legends – like that between Oma and Shu. I guess it was too good to be true – I blame myself, clearly I didn't do enough to make you happy. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me someday. But I know this is for the best, for both of us. I'm sorry I won't be able to return your love anymore." Katara gasped, heartbroken and at a loss for words, as the light emanating from his tattoos increased in intensity. She heard his last words, barely above a whisper, before she was completely blinded. "I love you, Katara."
Then, as soon as it began, it ended. The glow had disappeared from his tattoos completely and he lay eagle-sprawled on the floor, clearly exhausted from the ordeal. Slowly, he rose, breathing in deeply before opening his eyes. When he did, Katara sobbed anew. His eyes were no longer the beautiful silver they were in the moonlight when they practiced Waterbending, nor were they the stormy gray that radiated his happiness and carefree spirit which regularly captivated her on a daily basis, but a stone-cold, lifeless shade of gray. He was no longer Aang, he was the Avatar. He smiled, apparently pleased with the success of his meditation, but it held no happiness to it. There was none of the joy that filled the air like when he would smile before – this was but a mask, no, a shell, of the loving young man Aang had been.
Before she could try and curse him for destroying himself, the mist had yet again surrounded Katara, and without protest, she let it drag her away to her next destination. Not bothering to open her eyes, she listened to the words of The Painted Lady as said spirit placed a protective arm around her. "Aang will remain at the Southern Air Temple for the next three months, recuperating and training. He has unlocked more power than ever before – at the cost of his humanity, his emotions. At the same time he let go of his love for you, a coup began that would lead to untold devastation and death. Do you remember a man by the name of Long Feng?"
At this, Katara's eyes snapped open, blinking back the tears that seemed to be falling nonstop. "Yes, I remember him. He killed Jet – and even though I didn't have feelings for him anymore, Jet was still a friend. And because of Long Feng working with Azula, Aang was killed. So, yes, it's hard for me to forget the man that took two people I cared for away from me, especially the man I love."
«Good.» The Forest Spirit spoke, bringing Katara's attention to their surroundings – the Earth King's throne room. «You are about to witness Long Feng's second coup against the Earth King – this time, it's not bloodless like the first.»
