Chapter Two – Tunes Are Bustin' Out All Over
As Lana Lang set out on her nightly Insect Queen patrol, Pete Ross finished looking at the user manual the demon had given him and let out a large sigh. He'd been looking forward to the people of Smallville serenading him but it now transpired that he was responsible for providing both the words and music. Words weren't a problem – he knew lots of them – but music was a different matter. Pete had less than no musical ability (if that), and so, since there was no way he could write the tunes, it looked like he would have to steal them. And so it was that Insect Queen went into battle that night accompanied by a familiar tune.
Insect Queen, the microscopic mistress of mutant-hunting, flew through the sky, on the back of a fly, towards the Luthor ancestral home. Suddenly she heard some strange yet vaguely familiar orchestral music, but she had to ignore it for there was more than music in the air that night. There was villainy. A group of freaks had invaded Lex's home and she had to stop them.
As she smashed through the window, the freaks, along with Lex, who was being held captive, turned to her expectantly. As she used her mental contact with the insect species to call for reinforcements, the freaks looked at each other in confusion, and then started dancing and singing in unison "She's been making tall of being small and lately we can tell that she's been going through the mutants, freaking out the freaks, she's -"
And with that a dumbstruck Insect Queen, unable to believe what was happening, leapt from her faithful flying steed and, rapidly alternating between insect and regular sizes, delivered a series of knockout kicks to the mutants.
"What was all that about?" Insect Queen asked Lex as the music continued in the background.
"How can I repay –" responded Lex in a deep baritone, as Insect Queen flinched away from him in disgust.
"What have you been eating, Le- … erm, I mean Mr. Luthor?" she asked, while holding her nose. "Your breath smells terrible."
Lex took a deep breath and was just about to sing an answer when Insect Queen realized this and put a hand over his mouth and waited for the music to finish.
"So what's with your breath?" she asked again, removing her hand from his mouth.
Lex looked at his mysterious rescuer. "Well, one of those mutants over there had the power to bestow bad breath on people and decided to demonstrate his power to me. He assures me that it will wear off within a few weeks. In the meantime I guess I'll have to order some industrial strength mints."
"And the music?"
"It appeared to be from the musical episode of Buffy," responded Lex. "I've no idea where the music came from or why I was singing along to it, or, for that matter, why you weren't."
"Thanks for your help, citizen. And now I must go and continue my one-woman campaign against crime."
And with that Insect Queen shrank out of sight.
"Who was that masked woman?" pondered Lex, as he phoned the industrial strength mint company.
As Lana changed out of her Insect Queen costume that night she thought about the strange events of earlier. It was a bit like that episode of Buffy that Pete had forced her to watch that time, except for the fact that she hadn't done any singing. Maybe one of the mutants had a reality-warping power. Who cared? It was time for her to go to sleep and dream her dreams and by the time she woke up it would be morning and everything would be back to normal.
Lana woke up to the sound of birdsong. As she looked through her window at the cartoon bluebirds outside, eager to fly around her, she realized something wasn't quite right. As much as she wanted to go back to bed and give reality time to sort itself out she knew that Smallville was depending on her. This was a job for Lana Lang.
As soon as she took to the streets of Smallville, Lana's ears were assaulted with music. To one side of her a bunch of meteor freaks were singing to each other about how they had to have a gimmick, whereas to the other side of her stood another bunch of meteor freaks singing at her "Oh you pretty, pretty Lang, Lang. Pretty, pretty Lang, Lang we love you."
Amidst this cacophany she suddenly saw Chloe running up to her through the crowded streets, and shouted "Hey, Chloe. What's going on?"
As Chloe ran up to her, all the other music was drowned out by yet another tune that almost deafened Lana. As Chloe reached her and started spinning around, arms outstretched, threatening to knock her over, Lana, recognizing the music, guessed Chloe's response even before she started singing it to Lana and the 499 other people out that day.
"Smallville is alive with the sound of music, with songs to be sung for a thousand ears …"
Lana was in no way eager to hear Chloe finish her song and so set out to the Kent Farm hoping that things were more normal there. As she approached it and saw Jonathan in the field wearing a cowboy hat, riding a cow, and singing "Oh what a beautiful morning" she suspected the musical malaise was widespread.
And indeed it was widespread for its limits were bound only by Pete Ross' imagination and so it was that somewhere high above Smallville a magically-created representation of Heaven suddenly appeared. And somewhere in that vast Heaven sat Jor-El who, as he polished a red star, remembered back to that happy day on Krypton when Lara had told him he was going to be a father. He remembered wandering the shore by the Great Krypton Lake, wearing the latest '80s fashion, and singing "My boy Kal will be strong as a powerful train, and have a brain. My boy Kal will be fast as a speeding bullet, and have a mullet. And over buildings he'll leap with his head held high and his cape flowing straight behind his back, and he won't be bossed or tossed around by no Parasite or Brainiac! No –"
At which point his supervisor interrupted his mental song. "Hey, Jor, sorry to interrupt that song you were thinking about, but your son Kal-El needs your help on Earth."
"What's wrong? Has he learned his middle name's Russ?"
"No, nothing like that. It's just that we're worried about what path he'll take in the future. He might turn evil like you."
"My boy Kal will fulfill his destiny, will he!" reprised Jor-El. "My boy Kal - fulfill his destiny he shall, will Kal!"
The supervisor shook his head. "There's no time for singing, Jor-El, we've got to get to Smallville right away. You have to convince him of what's best."
The supervisor turned his back on Jor-El, ready to lead him to Smallville, and, as he did so, Jor-El sneakily grabbed the glowing red star he'd been working on and slipped it into his pocket. "Trust me," he said to his supervisor, "I know what's best for Kal."
As they set out on their way to Smallville, the supervisor turned to another one of his workers, a very flat man, polishing a white star. "You better come too, Mr. Lang. We're worried about Lana."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"She's too perfect. She's making Heaven look drab."
