Chapter 2: The Show Continues

Soun was about to burst with pride as he sat in the family room. His daughter was wonderful on the TV show. He watched as Akane declared that she was going to make a cream sauce for her rice and vegetable dish while informing the audience that a good sauce would hide small mistakes with rice or pasta. Of course, she was ignoring the fact that she had just burned the rice dish to a crisp, so it was going to take a lot more than sauce to revive it (the oven was still smoking lightly). Ranma was pleading with her (from where he was still tied to the hand truck) to order take-out, going so far as to offer to pay for it - showing just how desperate he was.

Akane began dumping milk and corn starch into a large pot on the stove. As she continued, the audience began to laugh as they noticed that she was overdoing it with the ingredients. The laughter grew as liter after liter of milk went into the supposed eight liter pot. Then Akane went as far as to get a step ladder so she could pour a 40 kilo bag of corn starch into the pot. It was a testament to her strength and skill than none of the corn starch missed the pot.

"You know," Akane addressed the audience. "I always found cream sauce to be a little bland."

"It's suppose to be bland!" Ranma shouted from where he was tied up. "It's suppose to dull some of the sharpness of the vegetables!" Meanwhile, Yuka and Sayuri began stacking sandbags in their corner of the stage.

Akane ignore all three and went on: "So, I like to spice it up a little." She began throwing various spices into the pot - emptying whole bottles at a time. Occasionally, she pitched the bottle in as well. Yuka and Sayuri took cover behind their sandbag wall.

Suddenly there was a *poof* sound from the pot and a small mushroom cloud appeared. A burst of spooky music sounded from the PA system. Ranma muttered: "Not again…"

Akane briefly looked for the source of the music and then shrugged her shoulders. "I can never figure out where that comes from," she told the audience to their approval. She picked up a large spoon and stirred the pot (with some difficulty). As she did, some of the sauce began to flow over the side of the pot. Akane would catch it up and dump it back inside. Soun noticed that something was 'off' though. The sauce seemed remarkably thick and left no residue on the sides of the pot. Suddenly, a large amount of the sauce flowed over the side and pooled on the stove top. Akane tried to spoon it back up, but the sauce seemed to rise up from the stove top and more flowed over the side of the pot. Then the sauce engulfed the spoon and became animated. It quickly tried to tug the spoon out of Akane's hand. Akane was never one to back down though, so both sides dug in. The audience roared with laughter.

Soun's mouth dropped open as he stare at the 'cream sauce'. Then he whistled in amazement. "It is clever," Tofu responded. "The strings are almost invisible and the 'liquid' is actually small paper scales coated in dried glue. Daisuke did a really nice job on that puppet." Soun could only nod in agreement.

The puppet was losing to Akane, so it let go of the spoon sharply which caused Akane to recoil away from the stove. The cream sauce used the respite to grab a large knife and jump off the stove onto the floor. Akane saw this and ran over to where Ranma was strapped to the hand truck. She grabbed something hidden behind his neck and pulled out a katana.

"Trust Akane to know that Ranma has a big sword," Nodoka said casually.

Her words passed over Soun and then trickled into his awareness. He quickly looked over at his 'sister', but she just continued to sit in her chair demurely. However, when Soun looked at Tofu and Kasumi sitting on the couch together, he saw Tofu's eyes glittering with amusement and Kasumi shaking her head in her hands.

Meanwhile, on the screen, Akane was now fencing with the puppet. It was at a terrible disadvantaged considering the katana and that Akane was an expert. Regardless, Ranma was cheering for the cream sauce and urging it to "fight for its life - and his". Akane disarmed the cream sauce, threw down the sword, and grabbed a large mallet hiding just out of sight. With a terrific blow, she smashed the puppet flat. Then she grabbed a shovel from off-stage, scooped up the cream sauce, and put it back in the pot. As she turned to pick up the sword and the mallet, a big sign unfolded from the pot saying "Doesn't *anybody* wonder where the mallets come from?!" The audience applauded loudly.

Soun laughed out loud at the sign. Privately, he thought: "Why is anyone surprised? In a town full of martial artists, weapons are stashed everywhere - especially the blunt ones. You just got to know where to look."


Nodoka sat curled up in her chair watching the show. Supposedly, the reclining chair had been the one Genma use to always sit in, but that wasn't true. This chair looked like that one, and Soun never noticed the difference, but everyone else in the house knew something had changed. For one thing, the chair no longer smelled of smoke and wet panda. For another, all the small rips and tears that Kasumi had repaired were gone. The fabric had somehow healed itself completely. Lastly, there was more stuffing in this one - or rather the stuffing had not been through years of compression. Although the outside looked worn, Nodoka suspected the insides of the chair were brand new. Nodoka believed that the chair had been switched the same day her futon in her bedroom had been switched - the day that she filed for divorce from Genma and Genma had accidently locked himself permanently as a panda. (1) Somehow, things had been set in motion because of that. She and the others had their suspicions about who did the switch, and Nabiki and Tofu had suggested getting rid of the two items, but Nodoka felt the items marked the beginnings of her freedom from Genma. So, she kept them and made them her own.

Now, she sat in her chair and watched as her daughter-in-law showed how to prepare a salad - provided one liked bits of chopping board in their salad. "I'd say she reverted, but she was never quite this bad," Nodoka thought amusedly as she watched a plastic serving spoon get sliced and diced. Nodoka knew that Akane had prepared Wednesday's family meal with very little assistance and it had been quite good. "She was also in the kitchen working on a bedtime treat for Ranma last night and the kitchen was perfectly clean and intact this morning - Kasumi couldn't have cleaned it before I got there. Besides, these days Kasumi would have forced Akane to clean up her own messes."

She glanced at Soun sitting in his chair. He looked ready to explode with pride. "Not your doing, Brother," she reflected. She was fond of Soun, but she was also almost perpetually annoyed with him. "This is in spite of you - just like Ranma grew up in spite of Genma. Or me, but at least I'm trying now."

Nodoka glanced at the couch and the couple sitting there. Kasumi held her hands to her face in supposed horror while nestled in her husband's arms. Nodoka was sure those hands were hiding a genuine smile - not the serene one she usually wore. "You're much brighter than that, child," Nodoka thought with amusement concerning her niece - and friend. "You don't fool me, just like you don't fool your husband. You know what Akane is capable of - you've always known. You're her real mother and you've done a good job. Kimiko must be very proud of you and your sisters - as she should be. You've also help Ranma a good deal for which I'm grateful."

Nodoka watched the glee in Tofu's eyes as he looked at the screen. "Healer, mage, teacher, trickster…" she thought with further amusement. "Also spy, warrior, and let's not forget part-Kitsune. I'd thought when we met, you'd be a nephew, but that's not true. You're my wise brother - sometimes my wise-cracking younger brother when the mood takes you, despite the fact that you're older than me, Soun, and Kasumi put together. You're also a true uncle, role-model, and sparring partner for my son and daughter-in-law. Thank you." Tofu looked at Nodoka and locked eyes with her. She gazed into their depths and he winked at her. She smirked back at him, sure he had picked up her thoughts.

Nodoka thought briefly about the missing members of her family. Mousse was working tonight. The future owner of the Cat Café was allowing some of the other employees a little time off. Nabiki was at the college tonight and would be around tomorrow - she had a paper due that required a little more research. Both of them would watch the tape Nodoka was making later - it would amuse both of them. There was no telling where Mrs. Kin Ono (or "Mother" as Kin insisted Nodoka call her) was; half Kitsunes went where they willed. "Nephew, niece - and Mom," Nodoka thought.

Nodoka watched as Akane dumped the last of cuttings into the large (make that extremely large) bowl on the counter. "Now," Akane started. "Many consider the dressing the most important part of the salad - especially for a Caesar salad."

"A Caesar salad without Romaine lettuce, anchovies, olive oil, or eggs - nothing important, just the main ingredients," Nodoka thought wryly. "The only ingredients she got right were the pepper, garlic, and mustard - never mind all the stuff that shouldn't be in there including the plastic and wood."

Akane held up a bottle of dressing and said: "Now I started with a traditional dressing from the store, but added a few more ingredients to spice it up a little."

Nodoka rested her chin in her hands as she stared at the bottle. "I'm pretty sure the dressing shouldn't be black," she commented out loud.

"That's the first thing that's concerned you tonight?" Tofu asked.

Akane poured the dressing into the salad bowl. Immediately, a white mist arose from the bowl and began pouring over the sides. The mist flowed over the countertop surface and down to the floor. "Um…" Nodoka began.

"I'm pretty sure it's just a dry ice fog…" Tofu responded uncertainly. "I don't think she opened a portal to hell…"

"That looks about right," Akane said brightly on the screen.

"Yeah, not so much…" Kasumi said.

"Wait…" Nodoka thought. "Kasumi said that?"

"You have to be kidding me," Ranma said from the hand truck.

Akane looked at him a little defensively. "What did I miss?" she asked.

"A lot - like eggs for starters," he answered.

Nodoka felt a ghostly hand run up her spine. "Oh no. No, no, no…" she whispered out loud.

"Right!" Akane shouted. "I forgot the eggs! I'll just cook some in the microwave!"

"Wait a minute!" Ranma shouted back. "Hold on!"

But Akane, bounced over to the microwave which was on a stand-alone counter located in the back of the stage facing to the side. She promptly pulled a dozen eggs from the cabinet (fridge?) under the microwave and shoved the eggs, carton and all, into the microwave. She pressed 'Start' and said: "Let's work on the chicken while that is cooking." She then bolted from the microwave over to the counter again and began to quickly unwrap a package of chicken while humming loudly to block out Ranma's protests. Meanwhile, an explosion sounded from the microwave and it jumped a little. "Sayuri? Yuka? Could you come and help me with the chicken?" Akane called out.

The two young women came out still wearing their helmets and pillows. They crouched down and crossed the stage maintaining a low profile. As they passed Ranma he pleaded: "Hey girls? Could you please move me out of here? Please?" They ignored him and reached Akane. Just as they did, there was a second explosion and the door flew off the microwave to crash off-stage.

Tofu looked at Nodoka and asked: "Nodoka? Are you O.K.?"

Nodoka started smiling despite her pale look and answered: "I think I'm about to have a flashback to when I first tried to teach Akane to cook…"

"Oh my," Kasumi replied. "That was a traumatic experience."

The microwave began to rise off the table and rotate to face the audience - it seemed to be mounted on some sort of bearing. The sound of mechanical gears clanking together filled the stage. Akane, Sayuri, and Yuka turned to face the oven just as the oven was fully facing the audience.

"What is that inside the oven?" Nodoka asked.

*FHAP* *FHAP* *FHAP* *FHAP*

The microwave oven began shooting eggs at the stage and audience. There were screams and laughter from the crowd while the three young women opened cabinet doors to shield themselves. Ranma was causing the hand truck to hop around on the stage trying (successfully) to have the eggs miss him.

"That's the nozzle of a pitching machine," Tofu replied helpfully, but Nodoka wasn't listening. She was too busy laughing hysterically.

"Those aren't eggs! What's it throwing?" Soun asked as he started to laugh.

Laughter was also leaking out from Kasumi. "I think they're small white bean bags," she answered as held her hands to her face.

"This is marvelous!" Tofu laughed as he watched everyone duck and dodge the machine.

As the performers donned military helmets because Hiroshi had run onto the battlefield and was throwing them to everyone (stopping only to place one on Ranma's head), Nodoka fell out of her chair and was on the floor laughing.


Tofu watched the screen with a grin as four other high school ladies joined Akane, Yuka, and Sayuri on the stage - he was waiting for this part. Supposedly, two of the new teenagers were showing the audience how to set a table for a Valentine's Dinner while Akane and her friends worked on roasting potatoes (or making mash potatoes; one of the two - Tofu couldn't quite tell). The other two women were struggling to get the still smoking salad bowl off the counter, but they couldn't move it despite the fact that Akane had set it there matter-of-factly five minutes ago. They had debated asking Ranma to help, but that would mean freeing his arms and they didn't think he would stay put after that. In the end, they asked Daisuke and Hiroshi to help them - the four of them managed to get the bowl on to the floor with a loud 'thunk', and then were working on sliding it across the floor.

The two women laying the place settings were facing the camera across the table. However, Tofu saw four young men in wigs, large eyeglasses, and lab coats (obviously Chemistry students) sneaking up behind them holding closed paper bags. They placed the bags directly behind the girls and ran to the back of the stage again. Once there, the Chemistry students made a show of placing their fingers in their ears just as the bags exploded 'surprising' all the people on stage with a shower of confetti and powder.

Daisuke looked around and spied the Chemistry students. ""Hey!" he shouted "You just got confetti all over the salad!"

Tofu was slightly surprised when Kasumi, who was reclining against him, chimed in with a laugh: "Oh good, then there's no danger in anyone eating that."

"I don't think that was ever a consideration," Nodoka said dryly having recovered from her laughing fit.

Akane looked at the Chemistry students and proclaimed in huffy tones: "Now I have to make another one."

Ranma was heard groaning off-screen.

Akane pointed at the four students. "But we don't waste food here, so you lot have to eat this one! You can pick out the confetti!" she said crossly. Six more girls in aprons appeared, three along each side, blocking escape for the now terrified lab students.

The four lads ran forward to where Ranma was tied up near the front and off to the side. "Wait," one of them cried out. "Ranma gets very upset if someone eats his food." One of them grabbed Ranma's hand truck and placed it between themselves and Akane.

"Hey," Ranma protested from the hand truck. "Leave me out of this, pal! And the food is all yours!"

The rest of the students (Akane, Yuka, Sayuri, Hiroshi, Daisuke, and the ten young women) began converging on the hapless young men. All four began backing up. The boy who had Ranma's hand truck kept it between himself and the rest of the cast. When he was almost to the side of the stage, he screamed "RUN AWAY!" and ran off stage with Ranma and the hand truck.

"Wait a minute!" Ranma shouted as he was pushed off-stage. The other three boys fled after the first and the rest of the cast chased them off stage. The stage was empty for a moment when a song began playing over the auditorium speakers. Many of the students had seen BBC programs and immediately recognized "Yakety Sax" playing. (2) They all began laughing - even before one of the front-side doors opened and the lead Chemistry student wheeled Ranma into the auditorium with the rest of his cohorts following. Immediately behind them was Akane followed by the rest of her team. The auditorium seating was divided into three sections with two main aisles and two side aisles running front-to-back. The sections were each cut in half by a perpendicular side-to-side aisle reaching across all three. The chase ran up a side, across the back and down the second main aisle. It then ran around all the sections in a random manner. Sometimes, the Chemistry boys would split up (and so would the chase), only to join up together again. At one point, Ranma shouted out while still strapped to the hand truck: "Why am I here?! Just leave me behind!" The audience loved it.

Finally, one of the lab boys opened another front-side door and held it open while everyone piled though it. When they all passed, the lab boy ran after them and the door closed. "Yakety Sax" continued playing. The audience turned their attention to the stage again, but the curtains had closed shortly after the chase had begun. Now, the curtains opened again and the audience cheered. In the center of the stage, was the salad bowl, but in has somehow grown to be a meter-and-a-half high and three meters in diameter. The colors of the bowl were correct, and it was still smoking. The bowl sat alone in a large room where the sides and the back of the room had five doors each, making fifteen doors all together.

Back in the Tendo family room, Tofu took out his phone. "What's wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"I think I have a message. Don't worry about it," he answered her as he began to dial a number.

Meanwhile, the chase resumed on stage as the lab boys ran out one door into the room. They were still pushing Ranma who was shouting "Oh come on!" They crossed the stage and ran through another door. Akane and company followed right behind them. The door chase continued using all the classic tropes as the groups fragmented. The groups popped out on the other side of the room from where they were last seen, people backed into each other, the chasers became the chasees, everyone popped out an individual door at once only to race around the bowl and vanish back in the same one - on and on. At some point in the chase, Ranma was no longer being pushed - instead he was bouncing along on the hand truck by himself with the doors opening automatically for him.

Finally, Ranma walked out of a door onto a momentarily empty stage while undoing the last of the ropes and the jacket that had been binding him. The music dropped a little in volume. "Done. Now to get out of here," he said to himself (and the audience).

Across the stage from him, Akane burst out a door. "Oh no you don't!" she yelled. "You're not leaving me trapped in this farce by myself!"

"Crap!" he yelled and turned around. He quickly ran through another door with Akane hot on his heels as the audience once again roared.

Almost immediately everyone jumped out of their doors. Akane pointed at the four lab boys all in a group. She started to speak when, suddenly, the huge salad bowl in the center of the room uttered a loud "FOOM" and shot an enormous column of dust up towards the stage ceiling. The column expanded blanketing the stage (and everyone on it) in a cloud. Nothing could be seen through the dust for a few moments, but the cloud quickly settled as the cast began coughing lightly. All of them looked terribly confused. The audience was completely silent due to shock. The music had stopped.

In the Tendo residence, Tofu put his phone away. "Nothing important," he said. None of the other three adults were looking at him - they were all staring at the TV.

"I don't think that was suppose to happen," Nodoka said slowly. Soun shook his head in agreement.

"Oh my…" was all Kasumi said.

On the screen, the cast was dusted with powder and the same powder was everywhere on stage. Ranma and Akane walked slowly to the giant bowl. They looked inside of it, but the view was hidden from the TV. Both sets of eyes widened in disbelief. Daisuke and Hiroshi walked over and looked as well. Ranma looked at Daisuke and raised a questioning finger, but Daisuke just shook his head. The rest of the cast also walked over to the bowl. The audience was silent. A middle-age man ran onto the stage. "Is everyone O.K.?" he asked in a strained voice. The cast nodded. "What happened?" he pressed.

Ranma looked at Akane and both started to smile. She turned to the audience and said: "Folks, this is Mr. Kawano. He's the producer of tonight's show." She then addressed Mr. Kawano. "We're fine - and we got this."

"Are you sure?" Kawano asked.

Daisuke had raised one hand to the side of his face and was shaking his head while still looking into the bowl. "Yeah, we are. I know what this is," he answered. "It's not meant to hurt anyone and it didn't." The murmuring from the audience indicated that they were now clearly puzzled. Ranma spoke quietly to Akane and Daisuke and then motioned for everyone to back away from the bowl. Mr. Kawano stepped to the side and was just visible as he watched his cast.

Ranma stepped forward and began to speak to the audience: "This part of the sketch was suppose to end with the salad grabbing the lab guys and pulling them into the bowl out of sight." He walked around to the back of the bowl and began flipping latches.

Akane added: "Apparently, someone didn't like how the sketch ended and changed it." She walked around to the side of the bowl and nodded at Ranma. He re-positioned himself and, together, they pulled the bowl apart, splitting it cleanly along the seams. As they separated the halves, the audience could see more puppets lying quietly and some type of machine that had a large upright pipe, about half-a-meter in diameter.

Daisuke spoke: "What you see is a type of air cannon designed to do exactly what you saw: generate a small expanding cloud. It's often used to fake an explosion when actors have to be too close to the 'blast'. The movie studio then adds the sound effects later to make it seem like a loud explosion happened." The murmurs from the audience began to turn to chuckles as they realized everything really was all right. The cast members began to chuckle as well and brush dust off themselves. Mr. Kawano began to shake his head.

Akane brushed dust off her apron and walked forward to the edge of the stage. She gestured grandly toward the air cannon and said in robust tones: "Ladies and gentlemen: We have been pranked!" The cast's chuckles changed to loud laughter. Some of them gestured at the cannon while others began to clap. In response to the cast members' aplomb, the audience began clapping and laughing. Then they gave the cast a standing ovation.

In the Tendo family room, Soun clapped lightly. "Nothing like grace under pressure," he commented to the others.

Nodoka nodded and Kasumi added: "Oh my, they really handled it well, didn't they."

Tofu said nothing as he watched his apprentices lead the cast through the minimal work necessary to keep the show going. Following some cues from Ranma and Akane, the cast was bantering with the audience and telling stories about the couple's misdeeds as this and that was cleaned up. Even quiet Yuka was persuaded to recount a story about Akane's and Ranma's courtship that brought smiles to the audience. Tofu nodded to himself: "Well done, you two. And I absolutely hated that ending. This is much better."


A/N: Footnotes:

1) Happened in "The Destruction of Ranma Saotome - Detonation".

2) "Yakety Sax" was jointly composed by James Q. "Spider" Rich and Homer "Boots" Randolph III in 1963. Randolph was the first to make a popular recording of the song that year. Another version was performed by Ronnie Aldrich and His Orchestra in 1969 which is more commonly known today.