Hey guys! Here's the new chapter I promised you! A little heads up before you read: The italicized writing is Phoebe's thoughts. This chapter also features a topic that can be rather sensitive to some reads so take into consideration before you read. It's a pretty short chapter but a rather intense one but I won't keep you any longer! Go nuts.
"Oh um sure Bee." Emma says, clearly taken aback by my question. I feel extremely nervous and anxious as I rock back and forth on my heels for a minute before spitting out everything into a blur of sentence.
"You see I kinda noticed you at the lunch table earlier. I thought you looked really nice and really kind and helpful. I want to look like you someday." She cringes when I say that but I keep blubbering on. "I felt like 'Oh she looks like a nice person and I bet she could be a good friend to have around and I really really want you as my friend." I take a breath looking down at my feet. "I was kinda wondering if you could give me a tour." I look up hesitantly to see a small smile on her face. I smile sheepishly up at her.
"Of course Phoebe." She replies and we start making our way down the hallway. I lean in to whisper in her ear with a hint of sarcasm
"I swear I didn't ask you to do this because I forgot where my room was." She laughs and looks me in the eye for the first time. I see her eyes are laughing along with her. You see that's the weird thing with me, I've always noticed people's eyes before anything. Emma has these big brown eyes that light up when she laughs. She is actually quite pretty.
Time skip
After a short tour around the building we stop outside of my room on the fifth floor.
"This is the mental illness floor." Emma says carefully trying not to offend me. I shrug before turning to face her.
"Yea, there wasn't much room anywhere else so they just decided to give me a single up here until they came up with a final diagnosis." I'm astounded by how easily that lie came out. Emma believes it though.
"Well its been really nice meeting you Bee. Hopefully you can stick around for a little while longer." She grins at me before winking. "I think we'll be great friends." I give her a hug and watch her make her way past the nurses station. It isn't until I see her completely disappear around the corner that I walk into my room.
I let out a shaky breath as I enter my room and flop down onto my bed. I can already feel my medication wearing off, a heavy feeling settling in my chest. It's exhausting trying to act happy all the time, a routine I've always been so accustomed to is now nearly impossible. I sit up to stare out the window. Often times I find myself nervously look at the clock. I have no idea when I will receive another dosage of my medicine and I am too afraid to go ask. So I just decide to sit in my room and wait until Nurse Jackson comes to get me.
Its so easy just to let your mind wander you know? Especially when you're sitting in a hospital where the only noise you hear is the quiet conversations in the hallway or the shuffling of feet. I find myself now with my mind wandering. Flicks of images appear in my head but I push them away, a weight settling on my body. It isn't long until I find myself sobbing quietly with my head in my hands as the images of the terrible car accident force their way into my brain.
"Bee, are you alright?" I feel a hand on my shoulder. I immediately straighten up, wiping at my eyes furiously before plastering a smile on my face. I look up to see Jordi standing above me and I feel my cheeks grow warm.
"Oh, um hey Jordi." I laugh nervously. He gives me a look, I know I'm in trouble. I scoot over a bit and he sits down beside me crossing his legs on my bed so that he can face me. I lower my head while anxiously intertwining my fingers in my lap.
"Phoebe," he says accusingly. "What's wrong." I scrape my brain for a lie.
"I don't know." I shrug but when I look up at Jordi's face I know that he won't accept that for an answer. I sigh before looking back down at my lap. "I don't know," I say again. "I guess its just being a new place. Like, not knowing anyone or anything. A lot of stress not having anyone here I'm close to or am friends with." I swallow hard. "Not having my family around." I raise my head slightly to see Jordi attentively listening to my words, in a way it makes me feel good.
He pulls me into a hug. "Its okay Bee," He says, his arms tight around me. "You know I'm still relatively new here too." I pull away and look at him confused . He laughs. "Yep, you know Leo?" he asks.
"Peg Leg Pete?" I giggle and he nods.
"Yea, well I share a room with him and lets just say that he was not the happiest camper when I arrived."
"Really?" I respond. "Its seems like you two are pretty close." Jordi smiles.
"Not at first. He couldn't stand me and as much as I hate to say it, I couldn't stand him either. But after a while we got pretty close. He and Dash even threw a welcome party for me - which I'm sure they'll be planning one for you too soon." At this I shake my head but before I can say anything he just adds that there is nothing I can do to stop it.
We're both just sitting there smiling for a moment before Jordi looks down at his lap. "I know how hard it is not to have family here with you." I lower my head too, a knot growing in my throat. "My mom left me, I'm now an emancipated minor because of it. Its rough but I'm sure your family will come to visit you soon." He smiles at me as I try to force one back. "And when they do you'll have to introduce me to the amazing people who raised a great kid like you." I hug him once more but while I have my arms around him I wipe my eyes so that he can't see the tears pooling in them.
"Thanks Jordi." I manage to say without my voice breaking. "It means a lot to have you, Emma and even Leo be so nice to me when you hardly even know me." How true is that statement!
We sit there in silence a moment before Jordi turns to me. "So do you feel a little bit better?" I nod. "I can stay and keep you company if you want. We could watch a movie or go and find the rest of the gang to try to get your mind off your homesickness." I smile, opening my mouth to say yes.
"No, thanks. I think I'm just going to stay here and try to sleep it off." He nods but I can tell that behind his smile he's a little disappointed in my answer, as am I.
"Oh, okay. Try to get some rest Bee. I'm sure its been a busy day for you. Maybe later we can all meet up for dinner." I nod and force a tight smile as I watch him make his way out of my room then down the hallway.
Again I make sure he has completely disappeared around the corner at the end of the hallway before sulking back into my room. God Phoebe you're so stupid. You just flat out denied an opportunity to hang out with the guy you've been making googly eyes at all day! I make my way over to one of my dresser drawers and fling it open. I dig around blindly until I feel the plastic handle in my hands.
I glare down at the thing while I make my way to my bathroom, hateful thoughts still attacking me the entire way there.
You're a stupid worthless girl who doesn't know how to do anything. You know why you're here. You were there when it happened and you didn't do anything to stop it. It's all your own fault. And now you're here and you're lying to everyone. No body is going to want to be friends with you once they find out what a big fat lair you are!
"I know!" I hiss silently under my breath, finally quieting the voices in my head. I look at my reflection with a scowl then turn my gaze to the plastic knife in my hand.
I turn it around between my hands a few times before I grit my teeth and yank up my left sleeve. There are still a bunch if little markings there. Scratches that still have dots of scabs over them or are just smooth bumps of pink skin. At the very bottom of my wrist by a big blue vain is the deepest cut, a scar has now formed over it, stitches long gone.
I poise the knife in my hand, fully conscious of what I am doing. "This one is for lying to Leo." I whisper, gently rubbing the dull blade into a spot that's a little below where my elbow and forearm connect. It's light enough not to draw blood or make a visible mark but it creates a thin white line. My breathing starts to speed up as I take in quick short breaths. I swipe the blade between my thumb and forefinger before poising it again above my wrist. My vision tunnels and all I can see is the white plastic knife and my arm.
"This one is for lying to Emma." I say, my voice a little louder. I press down a little harder on my arm. The knife leaves a visible scratch. I glance up at my reflection really quickly but I'm too scared and ashamed to look anywhere but my arm. I poise the knife once more, my heart racing.
"This one is for lying to Jordi." I mumble before pressing even harder down on my wrist. This cut is a little more forceful but it only bleeds a small dot from where I bumped into a little scab that had previously been there before. I absently swipe away the tiny bit of blood with my thumb while looking down at my wrist unsatisfied. I rake my brain for one last reason to slide the weak plastic ridges roughly against my skin. I smile grimly and press the knife even harder into my wrist right above the scar.
"This is for lying to myself." I decided forcing the knife down hard enough to make a shallow cut drawing blood. I suck in a sharp breath, yanked out of the crazed trance I'm always in before I cut. I hastily open a drawer under the sink and pull out a small pink packet of sugar.
I watch the blood on my cut bubble up for a moment, forming bigger and bigger drops until it's getting ready to slide off my wrist onto the white porcelain sink. I rip open the sugar packet with my teeth and pour some onto my cuts. I gently rub it in looking around the bathroom for some Neosporin. After failing in my search I just conclude that I left it in my room and I carefully open the door with my foot, my hands either having blood on them or sugar. I look up from my wrist for a slight second and a gasps escapes me.
Nurse Jackson!"
Bum Bum! Sorry to leave you guys hanging again but if I would've written much more this chapter would be so long. So yea, big shocker, or at least I'm hoping it is to you guys. I'm not going to talk too much about the ending because I don't want to give anything away so I will just see you guys again on Wednesday. ;)
P.s.: Don't forget to comment ideas below. I'd love to hear them!
