A/N: I wasn't really going to upload more of this story until I'd written a bit more, but I got a really nice review and suddenly wanted to upload more as soon as possible :) PS. I know Mulder is going to be like an underlying theme for a bit, but I want to keep it as close to what might seem possible given the time this is written in. There's a lot of communication between the lines in here, but hopefully all their actions and reactions are justified given the situation.


To say I was nervous would be an understatement. And to say that I didn't hate myself for feeling that way would be a lie. William was spending the night with my mom, so I was suddenly left completely to my own demise. I missed him to be honest, mostly because of the nice distraction that he created when I was getting too wrapped up in my own head. There was really nothing more calming and grounding than picking him up and swaying him carefully in my arms. Sometimes I would even catch myself singing for him. It made me smile. To look down at that perfect vulnerable little being and know that he came from me was a miracle. I have so many different feelings attached him, it's unbelievable. I suddenly understand why they say that you don't know what true love and sacrifice means until you become a parent. I was still busy thinking about little William when I heard the doorbell ring.

I looked down at myself a last time before going to the door. I hadn't really done much about my look, hadn't really changed. I was still unsure about what I was even doing. Why I had invited her. Was this a date? I certainly hadn't presented it as one, wasn't even sure if that was what I wanted. If it had been a date, I would have done more to impress. But she was still my female coworker. It would be strange and might be frowned upon if we began dating. Not that I cared what everybody else thought of my private life. It would be too much pressure though; I felt too exhausted after trying to let Mulder go, to try to get back in the game. I wasn't ready for all that. I was sure of that. Until I stood face to face with her again.

I hugged her when I opened the door, smelled her perfume. It was nice, smelled like a mixture of flowers and her unique scent. She had brought a bottle of wine with her. She was smiling, being friendly, moving to help find stuff in the kitchen, chatting lively. I watched her from the living room, a smile on my face as she moved about. She was still wearing her white t-shirt and blue jeans but she had lost the formal blazer. She looked so at home like this, so relaxed. It felt like she had been here longer. Shaking the thought, I went to help her in her search for some glasses. We decided to order some pizza for dinner. I smiled. I liked this, being around her. I liked her joking around with me, never putting any pressure on me, not assuming anything. Maybe that was just what I needed in this time. A good friend.

That's how we ended up sitting on my couch, looking each other in eyes. We have finished the pizza now, are just leaning back on the couch and relaxing. She's telling me about this time that she went camping with her family as kid, and how scared she had been of the woods at night. But as always determined to figure out what was going on, she had snuck of with a flashlight to explore.

"It was really a great way to overcome my fear." She says, looking off in reminisce. "It scared the hell out of me for the first hour or so, but slowly I got used to it and decided that there wasn't really any monsters hiding anyway. It was still the same beautiful forest it had been during the day; it was only just dark now."

"Weren't your parents scared?" I ask, thinking of how worried my parent would have been.

"I never actually told them." She confess, a sly smirk firmly placed on her lips. I look at her for a second before chuckling.

"You were a trouble maker?" I ask, not really all that surprised. I can see little Monica running around, making tricks.

"A big one. Always off doing one stupid stunt after the other. I always wanted to impress the older boys in school, show them that I was cool and willing to do stuff when the other kids got too scared. I once tried to skateboard down the roof of our gym in school."

"Really? What happened?" I ask with a slight shock. That just sounded so incredibly stupid and dangerous. She must really have tried to impress.

"The principle stopped me before I could actually do it. Which was probably a very good thing when I think about it. I could really have gotten hurt." She shakes her head slightly at the memory of her younger and more foolish self. "I don't know, I was always a victim of bullying when I was a kid. People thought I was strange, what with my interests in stuff like stars and numerology, my fascination with different religions and my superstition. I always had the strangest hobbies, was always fascinated by the strangest things. And whenever I tried to tell people about my sensitivity towards spiritual energies, they thought I was nuts. So I made up for it by trying to be cool and fearless. It worked to some extent. The older I got the more I realized that I shouldn't try and hide away who I am. Even if I sometimes get some strange looks or people think I'm insane." She swallows, her smile a bit smaller than before.

I look at her more deeply, searching her eyes. She seems almost vulnerable in this moment, having just laid a new part of herself out like that. I take my hand and place it on her thigh, stroking it calmly. "I don't think your nuts." I say in a quiet yet serious tone. Before I can think better of it, I lift my hand to stroke her soft cheek only once. I'm not sure why I did it, but for a moment, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Her look suddenly turns more unreadable as she searches my eyes. I'm not sure that she found her answer as she turns determined away for our intense eye lock.

"It's getting late soon, I should probably leave." She says solemnly. Before she can get up from the couch though, I grab her hand, holding it loosely in mine.

"Please, don't go." I say in something close to a whisper. But when her eyes turn to mine the look of fear and concern in her now glassy eyes takes me by surprise. I don't think I've ever seen her look so vulnerable, even more so than before.

"Dana." She whispers in a pleading, strained voice. "What am I doing here? It shouldn't be me who's sitting here with you, we both know that." There's pain in her expression, something close to tears in her voice. I pause at the mentioning of Mulder. Maybe he should be the one who was here, maybe he would be in another universe, but he isn't the one I want to be here. It's only her. Her company that I'm enjoying and feeling free in, it's she who makes me feel warm and happy again, it's she who brings light in this otherwise dark time. Would I wish Mulder didn't have to leave? Sure. Would I wish that I knew he was safe and back home in his apartment being his good-humored self? Yes. Would I want to switch her dark and beautiful eyes out with his? No. Would I wish her soft curves would transform into his firm form? No. Absolutely not. As I'm sitting here in this moment, I know deep down within myself that I wouldn't have it any other way than it is right now with her sitting by my side. The look of pain in her eyes, mixed with my fear of being left again, this time by this small brunette beacon of light making my days more doable, has me by my knees in a matter of no time.

"Please, don't leave me." I plead again, suddenly feeling selfish and small. Sensing my change, she moves forwards and captures me in a tight embrace, holding me as close as possible.

"Don't worry, Dana. I would never leave you." She whispers in my ear. Suddenly it's me with the tear-filled eyes and strained voice. I let out a slight whimper of relief at her words, and for once, I allow myself to break down, safe in her arms. I've missed this kind of human contact, this kind of comfort. It's normally not something that I would allow myself, but given everything that I've been through in a very small period of time, it couldn't have been more needed right now. And I know she understands. I know she knows how rare and needed this was. I allow myself to stay like this for a while, crying in her arms. I can't believe how intoxicating it is, the scent of her subtle perfume rising to meet my nose, her soft hair brushing against my face, her warm body surrounding mine protectively, her strong arms holding me impossible close. I feel my face flush, my heart beat, my mind distracting my pain with thoughts of other things that could be happening right now in this compromised position. Fueled by my lightheadedness from all the crying, the sudden arousal and the few glasses of wine I've had, I turn my neck and burry my face in her dark hair, before letting my lips form into a gentle kiss on her neck.

But almost as soon as she recognizes this action for what it is, she freezes before placing her hands awkwardly on my shoulders and pushing me away. Her expression is once again pained, her eyes shut and her brows furrowed.

"I can't…" she whimpers, refusing to meet my eyes. "I don't want to leave you Dana, especially not like this, but I can't be a substitute for someone else. I refuse drag myself through that." When she finally looks me in the eyes, her gaze is stern and surprisingly cold for such a warmhearted person. A pang of guilt seeps through my body. I never stopped to think about her and what she would think of this whole situation. I've been too caught up in my own feelings to think that there was a possibility that she didn't reciprocate my affection on such a romantic and basic level.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly after a long pause. My mouth fills with bitterness and I'm unsure of what to do about it. I've been so emotionally messed up lately that I never stopped to think how it would affect the people around me and my relationship to said people. "I didn't mean to cause any offense or to take advantage of you." I continue in a more serious tone, feeling all my walls building back up, my body growing rigid.

Instead of taking her things and leaving as I would have expected, and not blamed her for, she chooses to stay, studying my features while I awkwardly and hurtfully look away. I don't know how long we sit like this, awkward and stiff, before Monica's shoulders suddenly drops with a long sigh as leans comfortably back against the couch. She puts her hand to the brink of her nose, massaging it as I hear her… chuckle?

"What?" I ask, suddenly feeling very confused and beginning to feel slightly hurt.

"It's just…" she lets out between the ever stronger chuckles, looking momentarily to the ceiling. "This whole situation, Dana." She's looking me in the eyes now, smiling warmly, a glint growing her in eyes. "It's absolutely absurd." Monica concludes, shaking her head. Suddenly I find myself releasing a long sigh as well, falling back against the couch. Her words suddenly hits me. How right she is. Sometimes I get so caught up in the seriousness of it all, that I forget to see how absurd a situation really is. I laugh, feeling relief rolling over my otherwise tense body. My heart isn't beating anymore, and I smile, looking into her eyes. This is what I like about her, right here, right now, that sense of relaxation, that side of her that never fail to make me smile or laugh, even when things are, as now, absolutely absurd.

"Look, Dana." She says, taking on of my hands in both of hers. Before she regrets it, she takes it to her mouth a place a firm but friendly kiss on it, pulling it down into her lap immediately after. "I am very flattered. And while I am, in fact, extremely attracted to you, I'm not Mulder. And I can't live with myself knowing that you would only be with me, because you miss him. That would break my heart. And I don't really want my heart broken if I'm being honest." She chuckles, but I can sense that some of her pain has returned. I look down at our joined hands, that same pang of guilt returning. I want to protest, I want to tell her that it's not true. That while I did love Mulder, it's not him that I dream about anymore, not him that I constantly think about, not him that makes me blush and makes my heart beat faster. But before I get the chance to voice any of those thoughts, Monica opens her mouth again.

"If you don't want me leave you tonight, then I won't. I can sleep right here on the couch if you'd like. But I'm staying here because I know that you need a friend more than anything else. Because I know how much you've gone through and because I know the importance of having someone with you in your corner. And I promise you that I won't leave until you shove me out of that door." We both chuckle at that, before her tone turns more serious. "I won't let you play with my feelings when I know you don't share them. But I promise to stay despite of that. Now how does that sound?" she asks, getting up from the couch.

"It sounds good." I reply as I get up as well and goes over to hug her. While I still want to correct her on her mistake, I can suddenly feel the pull of tiredness and exhaustion weighing my body down and I feel comfortable saving that discussion for now. So I let my head lean on her chest and enjoy the warmth of her arms wrapped securely around me, her hand stroking my hair peacefully.

I let her stay on the couch for the night.