Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or any accompanying books. That is the honor of Stephenie Meyer. I am simply a fan writing fanfiction. I do however own this plot.
A/n: Thank you guys so much for the reviews! It's really nice to see such positive feedback and I'm happy you all are enjoying my story. Anyway on to chapter two!
I stopped thinking about how warm Jake's lips were long enough to pull away. Jake looked confused, but deeply pleased with himself.
"I'm so sorry." I said.
"Don't be." He whispered, huskily.
"Um, you have a girlfriend. Remember, Maggie?"
He smirked. "And you are unconditionally, irrevocably, in love with the blood—Edward."
"You're right, I am."
"Then why'd you'd kiss me Bella?"
"Because." I said in a small voice.
Jacob put his head in his hands and shook his head. "Deal with how you feel and then get back to me, okay. I'll answer when you call."
He got out of the car and shut the door. Either Jacob was getting really good at controlling his emotions or this night had went better than planned. I drove back in the dark on clear roads. That was a good thing, or else I'm sure I would've hit everyone or been blown at a million times. When I got home the cruiser was in the driveway.
I hadn't cooked for Charlie today, but I hoped he'd warmed up the leftover lasagna.
When I got in he was sitting on the couch watching football. "Couldn't wait to go see the Cullens, huh Bells?"
"No. I couldn't wait to go see Jake."
My father's eyes lit up. "Jacob Black? He talked to you?"
I nodded. "Yep. But I'm feeling really tired so I'm going to go take a bath and go to bed." It all came out very quickly as I made a mad dash upstairs.
I ran bath water and soaked. The kiss...it had to be from missing Jake so much. From all the time he'd been ignoring me and I'd been driving myself crazy. It was just an impulse, frustration. I did not have any romantic feelings toward Jacob Black. I couldn't.
But there was a very real part of me that thought back to all the time we'd spent alone. I remembered moments when there was so much tension, and when we'd leaned in a little too close. But I loved Edward, my beautiful, wonderful Edward. And Edward loved me that's why he agreed to do the one thing he wanted to do the least.
But why was he so hesitant about changing me?
He'd told me over and over that he wanted me to have a normal, human life. But apart of me knew he liked my blush and the smell of my blood. And maybe he loved that more than he loved me. Maybe he was in love with his bloodlust and not the person who's blood he lusting after.
I sank down into the tub at that thought. I'd made a silly mistake with Jacob that was all. No need in trying to find some way to make it Edward's fault. I was a silly human girl after all, who made silly human girl mistakes at times. I was thankful Edward couldn't read my mind; he'd never know. Well, as long as I didn't let my conscious eat away at my soul.
Whoa, hello angst.
I chose this moment to stop thinking about what led up to "the kiss" and dried off. I put on a silk nightgown and my hair up in a ponytail. I was clean I had washed off every trace of outer exterior guilt.
Not inner.
When I got in my room Edward was lounging on my bed browsing through a copy of Cosmo Jessica had left.
"Please tell me you don't actually read this monthly?" Edward looked up at me annoyed.
"No, Jessica left it. I've been meaning to give it back to her. Why, would it matter if I did?"
He was at my side faster than the time it took to blink my eyes. "No, never. I'd just have to wean you off of it." He was grinning.
I recoiled from his cold arms. "Oh? So I am a dog or a baby now?"
He narrowed his topaz eyes a bit and looked at me curiously. "Oh I understand now."
Crap! I was acting too jumpy over every little thing. He knew, I'd given myself away maybe that's what I'd wanted all along. To clear the air. I spoke and I sounded shaky, "you do?"
He nodded, rubbing my hair. "Things didn't go so well with Jacob. I'm sorry, but at least he was able to control what a brute he is. You're alright, don't be sad though he was a bad influence."
I love Edward, with every fiber in my being. He is my very reason for existing, my oxygen but in that moment I felt myself yank my head away from his hand. There was a question in his eyes. "Edward...I need some time alone."
"Alice was right." He said it quietly.
I looked up, alert now. "Alice was right, about what?"
He shook his head. "No...it can't be, y—you kissed him, didn't you?"
I hadn't answered but the abrupt change in my expression and demeanor must've gave Edward the answer he was looking for.
"Edward it was nothing, you have to believe me!"
Edward stood up and looked at me with repugnance. Every muscle in his beautiful face was distorted into what on anyone else would be an ugly mask. But on him it was simply as if he was attempting to make a silly face. "NOTHING? IT WAS 'NOTHING?' This coming from the woman who "loves me so much." The woman who wants me to TAKE AWAY HER MORTALITY so we can be together for eternity?" I tried to speak but he head up one long white finger.
"Do you have any idea the decision I'd made, Bella?" His voice was considerably lower as he remembered Charlie was still in the house. But his tone was still deadly, ice cold. There was very little velvet in it. "I was going to turn you into what I am, condemn you to Hell, just to have forever. I was going to do the very thing that would kill me if I were able to die. But if you still cannot determine if you only need to kiss me and not sixteen year old boys then it's best I leave."
I felt my eyes well up with tears. "Leave, like last time?"
He gave off a harsh laugh. "No, I wish I could. But I am staying, not for your sake but mine. For if I were to leave this place again no matter who came running I would let the Volturi kill me. I would die smiling, but no matter what you do I cannot leave you. Even if we are not together just seeing your face and knowing you are near will give me solace. Not peace or happiness, but solace in knowing you are alive. After all, I cannot be without you in some way and it is my job to keep you alive. Only I can protect you from our numerous enemies. But above all, I am truly a walking corpse without you."
My heart broke. It wasn't my scent Edward loved, it was me. He really didn't want to change me because of the life he felt he was condemning me to. He did want forever with me, more than I wanted it with him. He was going to do the one thing that could possibly kill his spirit, whatever little bit of it he had left. I was selfish and wrong, I didn't know what I wanted, Edward deserved better.
"So this is goodbye." He said, and before I could utter a proper response he'd escaped out my window, a blur in the night.
