Disclaimer: Again, I do not own or profit from Star Trek.
***
Part 2 – A Way Back
It is not quite hope that keeps Spock's body alive though his brain is dead. It is denial, McCoy thinks, as he sits at his desk and records his latest readings on the First Officer instead of writing to his daughter. It has been three weeks since Spock has entered into a complete comatose state and there is still no indication that his brain is functioning. In fact, analysis of the damage is pretty damn bleak. McCoy has never seen damage like this – he almost thinks it would be better if the pointy-eared bastard never wakes up. Actually, he does think this. But the unspoken agreement amongst the bridge crew is to keep Spock alive, no matter what, no matter the consequences on Spock himself.
McCoy has even written a meticulous report of his findings and sent it to New Vulcan with potential treatment plans so wild it would make Jim Kirk proud. He has indicated in an attached memo that he is seeking insight on Vulcan physiology but he knows, as the Vulcans will know, he is seeking a miracle. With the Enterprise so deep in space, it will take over two months for the CMO's message to reach its destination. In that time, Spock's body will continue to atrophy and deteriorate. McCoy has thought of placing the Vulcan in a stasis chamber but what they need is for Spock to wake up and he can't wake up when he is in stasis. Despite medical and technological advances, there is simply no replacement for the brain.
McCoy sighs before submitting the report to the archive. Now, he has no excuse for not writing Joanna's Christmas card. Though he has implied otherwise plenty of times, the McCoys used tocelebrate Christmas. They dressed up a tree and put red and green ribbons in Jo's hair. They ate lopsided fruitcake and sweet potato soufflé, sat around a fireplace and listened to their little girl sing carols off-key. But he is not there for any of that anymore – just like he does not celebrate Christmas anymore. He does send electronic cards and gifts on the appropriate occasion but he does not know what to say when he is so far away. Truth be told, he doesn't think he ever knows what to say, but somehow it comes out alright with his little girl in his arms.
McCoy looks out his open office door. He has a direct view of Spock in his biobed, arms stiff by his sides, his chest barely moving. He idly wonders how Spock celebrated the holidays. They had actually talked about it in passing prior to his injury. McCoy had been grumbling under his breath about the approaching yuletide and of course, Spock's damn Vulcan ears picked it up. Spock actually told him that he sounded like Ebenezer Scrooge. "And what do you know about Scrooge and Christmas?" He had expected Spock to give him a long-winded explanation about how it was logical for him to study illogical human activities – like a practically atheist commercialized holiday such as Christmas – but the Vulcan had simply said, "It was my mother's favorite holiday." The turbolift doors opened then and Spock stepped off without saying another word. It was the only time McCoy had ever heard Spock mention his mother.
Now Spock will meet a senseless death, like his mother. And that's all McCoy can think about as he makes another futile attempt to write to his daughter. Jo has been asking for details about what space is like, what his work is like, how the people are. What can he really tell her? That adventure in space is not all that it is cracked up to be, that people die or are hurt for no good reason, that even in a ship that houses over four hundred crewmembers, he feels like he is in some sardine can that may implode any second and he will never ever get a chance to make it up to her. No, he can't tell her any of that. He thinks of just sending her warm greetings but that sounds so empty.
McCoy leans back in his chair and sighs. There's a motion in the other room but McCoy does not look. Spock gets a constant stream of visitors. Even three weeks later, it seems as if the entire ship is continuing to visit the First Officer. Some just pass in and out, but others stay and talk to him.
As CMO, McCoy is privy to a wealth of confidential information but some of the things he hears spoken at Spock's bedside startle him. He's not eavesdropping, of course – his door is opened after all – but he suspects (or knows) that while his seated position offers him a full view of Spock and his countless visitors, the seat beside Spock does not afford a similar view of him in his office. The first time it happened, he thought of closing his door but felt that it would embarrass Christine too much after she confessed she had feelings for the Vulcan. That, and he was busy trying to wrap his head around this information. While Christine was the first confessor, she wasn't the last. Must be the damned ears, McCoy had concluded after running this around in his head for over a week.
But people talked about more than crushes. In fact, most people didn't come to talk about how sexy his eyebrows were (though to McCoy's increased bafflement, they did) – they mostly came in to thank Spock. And it wasn't the sort of "thanks for holding the door open that one time" sort of thanks – it was "thanks for that time back on Planet Charlie where you saved my ass" or "thanks for the time you helped me re-circuit the replicator so it would make my favorite dish from my home planet."
It is through these stories that McCoy has come to think better of Spock. It is not that he thought badly of Spock exactly, but prior to all this, his opinion of the Vulcan was simply not that high. He thought of Spock as a dedicated officer, talented but too stiff and too rule-abiding. Even when the Vulcan had lost his temper, he was the one who forfeited his position as acting captain. McCoy knew, of course, that Spock felt emotions of some kind but he also thought that Spock's dedication to logic and his arrogance about it would more often than not result in a cold and distant treatment of the issues at hand and of his peers.
This is apparently untrue. According to what everyone is saying, Spock is generous, patient and invested. It is a sort of compassion borne of a desire for excellence and growth amongst all that no matter how logical Spock's actions may seem, there's no denying the humanistic element that motivates him.
Knowing Spock better has its downside though – well, at least it does now that he's a practical vegetable on the biobed. It hurts to know that Spock is more essential to this crew than McCoy originally thought, that he is well-liked and accomplished, that he is deserving of people's gratitude and affection when there's not a damn thing he can do to fix Spock. But McCoy can't help being drawn to these stories about Spock. Though it may feel like a stab in his own gut to hear them, it hurts more to think of the time when he'll stop hearing them.
When McCoy finally looks up, he sees a familiar face. He still doesn't know the name of the pretty blonde who visited Spock early on and continues to do so periodically. He knows she is a junior science officer. She is rarely on the Alpha shift, but he has seen her arrive for the Beta shift on a number of occasions. Of course, now, she is often staffed on the Alpha Shift. Before that though, she would confer with Spock for a while before he gave up his position to her. It seems that she still wants to confer with him, about instrument readings, adjustments to the sensors and so such. But she recognizes he cannot give her that sort of advice.
"But I want to thank you for providing me with the tools that I need to continue on…while you are resting. I noticed that my readings seemed to deviate from what I expected them to be so I re-calibrated the subspace scanner. Of course, I set up the controls just as you taught me and I was able to isolate and determine that there was in fact a deviation and that it was the scanner that caused it."
"You know, everyone was surprised that you selected me for this position. I was even surprised. I mean, I didn't have the necessary background, and this was the Enterprise after all. But I remembered you told me that I was ready and eager to learn and that that would make all the difference. I still think sometimes it would have been easier for you if you'd selected someone with more expertise but I'm glad to be here and I hope to learn more from you, Commander."
Learning about the softer and perhaps, illogical side of Spock startles him. But it is the little details that really throw McCoy off and break down his image of Spock.
"Don't worry, Spock, I've been taking good care of your cactus. Spike is in good hands," Sulu says as he leans back in the chair. "Those winter roses are looking good too. I was thinking of maintaining the temperature longer than usual, so they'll still be in bloom when you wake up. I was also thinking maybe we could create some hybrids. I know your favorite color is red but I thought we could mix things up a little."
"Ya know, laddie, isnae the same without you in Engineering. I wiped the floor with Chekov in that simulator exercise we've been workin' un. Ye best come back soon or I be sae good youra light saber will be in haulf a' your feet afore ya can swingun." Scotty has had his feet up on the side of Spock's bed as he ate a sandwich but he lowers it so he can lean close and say quietly (for a Scotsman), "Nix time, I will letta ya be Darth Vader."
"You know what the definition of a club is, Mr. Spock? It's an association of persons for some common object usually jointly supported and meeting periodically. Basically, Book Club is not Book Club without you. Because it leaves only one of us – me – without any joint support and no periodic meetings. I just finished the next book on our list. Who the hell am I supposed to discuss The Little Princess with? Bones? Can you imagine me talking to him about narrative structure?"
"It looks like we will be making a supply stop at Jenison. The planet has miles and miles of uncharted deserts. I think it's a perfect opportunity for a rematch," says a fierce-looking female officer. Her overall demeanor and red shirt seem to indicate she's in Security. "Of course, it won't be the same because we don't have our personal hoverbikes but we can rent a decent pair, I'm sure. And then we can soup those babies up and take them for a real ride."
A very mixed group of junior officers stop by together once in a while too. They once left a card so McCoy knows they call themselves the Tea and Cat Appreciation Society. He hasn't heard them talk about cats yet but they sure talk a lot about tea. "Liu tried to play with the replicator so we could have African Red Bush tea but we ended up with something that was definitely not African Red Bush tea. When it comes to manipulating Starfleet property, Commander, you're the man."
"You vere right, Commander, How to Pick Vp Chicks in Space, is in fekt an informative book despite its less den inspiring title. But you know, dat chapter dat says girls like cards vith drawings of hearts? I dona think it's an anatomically correct human heart as you suggested. Not dat I disagree dat it iz a good vay for a girl to ewalue a mate's talents and all, but I did some research and humans tend to use symbolic hearts. I thought since you vere oddervise occupied, I shold pass on my findings to you."
But of Spock's many visitors, Lieutenant Uhura is his most frequent. She also stays the longest, but she doesn't say anything. She just sits at Spock's bedside, silent for hours. It not only baffles McCoy – who is familiar with a much more energetic and engaging communications officer – but it concerns him as well. Her dramatically different behavior has been noticeable on the bridge and the mess hall – the few times he has even seen her there. McCoy is no psychologist but he strongly suspects she has survivor's guilt. He is no good at this, he knows, but as Spock continues to deteriorate and she along with him, he knows he must do something.
***
Sarek has sent him a message that perhaps he should have been expecting but didn't. The Vulcan wants to rendezvous with the Enterprise in order to take his son's body to the new colony. Of course, it is within the Ambassador's right. But McCoy finds he doesn't want to let Spock go yet, that he wants to try something else, anything. But it has been over four months now and the Vulcan scientists have confirmed that there is nothing that can be done for Spock. McCoy wants to throw his PADD across the room but instead, he replies to Sarek's message. They will be expecting him then.
When he steps outside his office, McCoy sees Spock has a visitor. It is Uhura again. She looks as tired as Spock. Dark circles are now ringing her once bright eyes. He had meant to speak to her.
"Darling, you look like death warmed over."
"You're such a charmer," Uhura deadpans.
McCoy pulls up a chair next to Uhura and takes her hand. She does not look at him. "Look, sweetie, I understand how you feel."
She does not respond but it doesn't look like she's buying it. McCoy forges on anyway. "I know you feel like it should have been you, not him, but we're all officers and we do what we must do in the line of duty. Spock would've sacrificed himself for anyone."
McCoy thinks it's not half-bad. He is better when he can deal with someone in person. But then, his momentary feeling of pride deflates as Uhura's face crumples – actually, crumples.
"I know that; of course, I know that, but I miss him."
McCoy pulls her close, a bit surprised by Uhura's declaration. Sure, he has learned Spock is better connected to the crew that he initially realized, but Spock and Uhura only seemed to interact with each other distantly. He remembers them arguing once as they stepped off the turbolift. He had found it odd but didn't think anything of it. He assumed it was a professional difference. Uhura was as passionate as Spock was stubborn. It was only natural for a clash now and again. But now, she's crying all over his uniform, her sobs so great her entire body trembles. He wants to let her cry until she's too tired to do anything but sleep it off. However, he realizes that she needs to let go.
With only some hesitancy, McCoy pulls back from Uhura and holds her at half-arm's length. "Honey, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to let go. He's gone."
But Uhura isn't even letting him finish. She is shaking her head, her long ponytail swinging back and forth. "No, no, no, no, no. He's still here."
"No. He's not here." McCoy insists, pointing at Spock's head. "He is not here. And his body is not going to be here soon too. Sarek is coming for his son's body. He will be the first one to be buried in New Vulcan."
Uhura freezes in McCoy's arms – it is for a moment but it feels like an eternity, an eternity of loss, an eternity of stillness, an eternity of pain. And before he can hold onto her, Uhura is on her feet and she's turning towards Spock. She places one hand on each side of Spock's sunken cheeks and she is speaking to him, finally speaking to him. "Spock, you have to, you have to…please, please, find your way back to me."
***
McCoy lets her stay the night. He pulls the privacy curtain around the bed and restricts visitors. She sleeps curled up against the Vulcan with her hand on his side, over his heart, as though she will never let go. And, he supposes, that wherever Spock has gone, wherever he will go, she never will.
***
Spock's return to consciousness is not quite a holovid miracle. He does not wake up the night Uhura stays with him or the moment Sarek arrives. His eyes half-open one day five months later and close again. Christine is not there to see it but notices a reading that indicates as much. She does not tell anyone until she is sure. She sits beside him through her entire shift and then, past it. Three hours later, he opens his eyes again for half a second and she calls McCoy who races down from the Bridge. It is not a holovid miracle, a storybook miracle or even a damn Christmas miracle, but to McCoy, it feels like his prayers have been answered. He imagines Uhura feels the same.
***
