Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, this is definitely not the character of Sasuke actually writing this, and this doesn't represent the views of whoever owns Naruto.

Sasuke's Ode to Fan Girls

Summary: Tired of being incessantly stalked, Sasuke kindly takes time out of his busy schedule to explain why he's nice and asexual now.


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They sneak into your room at night

And haunt your every step.

They creep behind the bushes,

And filmed you while you slept.

.

They crouch within the garbage bins

And behind street signs they lay.

They lurk inside the bathrooms,

Just waiting for their prey.

.

They try to steal your socks and shoes

And auction off your pants.

They hold weird, secret rituals

Where 'round your underwear they dance.

.

When they hear you like tomatoes,

They'll send you an endless supply.

(Being crushed 'neath a red avalanche

Will haunt me till I die.)

.

Training is a danger,

(For them though, not I)

Cause when they stalk me to the training grounds

I'd like to let some "misplaced" kunai fly.

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The power of their drool combined

Is enough to flood a town,

And I think I lost my hearing

In the squealing when they're around.

.

Beware of those who seem to hold

Adoring hearts within their eyes—

It surely means a ferocious fate

For the one who is their prize.

.

Creatures more fearful than demons,

And far more annoying than dogs,

They clutch and scream and faint and flirt

'Till you wish they'd croak like frogs.

.

They're watching me—I know they are—

For how else could it be,

For someone as outrageously handsome

As I am, obviously.

.

Alas, it's a curse of every bishie,

This fangirl-ism disease,

And I'm actually jealous of the dobe

Who lives quite fan girl free.

.

That's why, ladies and gents,

Girls are simply too much strife.

I'll resolve all my problems now

With two words: single life.

.

There won't be any pink-haired babes

With Sakura, you see,

Because she's so horribly obsessed

That she'd drive me up a tree.

.

Hinata's smitten with Naruto,

And although she holds some class,

I found she's not so innocent

When I saw her eye my a**.

.

At night I cannot sleep a wink

When Karin's up and about,

As I fear that if I go to sleep

She'll pounce and knock me out.

.

Ino scared me years ago

As once within her room,

I found a glowing, flowery shrine

Dedicated to "Sasu-kun".

.

I met Temari a single time,

And while she's not a fan,

Her psycho brothers would drive away

Any prospective and sane man.

.

You can keep the super OC girls,

With their locks of gold and blue,

Cause I'm never gonna fall in love,

Despite the awesome things they do.

.

To any fan girls reading this,

I hope you understand

The horrors that you put me through

With your fanatic schemes and plans.

.

But despite my pain there is one thing

That has the power to make me grin:

The only way in which I win

Is that while I do suffer from a fangirling spree…

…Itachi has to suffer from more fangirls than me.

.


This just popped into my head…don't ask where it came from. Instead of making it a one-shot on its own, I just decided to add it to "Sakura's Ode to Fanfiction"…maybe I'll make it a series?

Anyways, please don't get angry or offended, this is all purely meant in the spirit of good fun and humor :D. Poor Sasuke-kun, all the love he gets frightened him off. Let's hope Itachi doesn't feel the same way… *Huggles Sasuke and Itachi plushies*

Leave a review to show support for our poor Sasuke! XD