-TWO-
Leonard stared at his wine glass for what seemed like an eternity. Penny knew what she said was going to shock him, but she didn't think it would make him catatonic. She went to touch his hand, but he jerked away. Penny bit her lower lip.
"Please say something," she practically begged. Leonard came back to the living, picked up his wine glass and downed the contents. He tried to put the glass on the table as gently as possible, but the noise seemed to reverberate in his ears. Penny got up and walked over to the island and stood behind it, seemingly for protection from the verbal assault she assumed would be forthcoming.
"You want to try acting again," Leonard repeated, and then looked over to his wife. "May I ask what brought you to this decision?"
"While I was talking to Dr. Gallo.." she started, but Leonard cut her off.
"You were there to make a sale not change the direction of your life," Leonard said abruptly.
"You sounded so happy that you had spoken to her, and she was so nice. All of a sudden, I found myself laying down on the couch and talking about my life."
"Isn't it our life?" Leonard asked.
"How much of your marathon session included me?" Penny countered.
"More than yours probably," Leonard muttered and then got up.
"Is this a contest?"
"I don't know what THIS is," Leonard replied hotly. He picked up his paper plate and the rest of his dinner and threw it in the trash. He grabbed his jacket and walked to the door.
"Are you leaving?" she asked sadly.
"I am going to go start packing my things. I'll have to find a storage place to put most of my stuff. Hopefully, Sheldon will be over at Amy's, so I don't have to deal with him right now." Leonard opened the door.
"So we are okay?" Penny asked puzzled. He seemed angry with her a minute ago, and then switched to sounding resigned.
"Sure. Aren't we always?" he replied sorrowfully. He glanced at her and then walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.
Penny watched the closed door, hoping that Leonard would come back in and they could talk this out. She didn't want him just to acquiesce to her whenever she wanted to do something. They were a team supposedly. She knew she hadn't acted like that previously, but she wanted to change that. She grabbed a fresh bottle of wine and brought it over to the couch. She sat down and poured herself a glass. She sipped it slowly, thinking.
The whole concept of marriage was new to the both of them obviously, and they had quite a few kinks to work out. It was more than just the living arrangements or her wanting to quit her job. They weren't thinking as a team. Oh, they acted unified on smaller details, but when push came to shove, Penny did not think to confer with Leonard on a lot of things as much as he didn't think to do so with her.
Were they so damaged by their past that they couldn't move forward without dealing with all that baggage? Penny was not one who wanted to work that hard to resolve an issue, but she didn't want to gloss over things anymore either. And she sure as heck didn't want Leonard just blindly following along. Or did she?
She guessed maybe she did. It had never really occurred to her that he wouldn't be anything but supportive of her wanting to get back into acting. Hadn't he learned from his previous mistakes when he didn't support her endeavors? Didn't he say that he thought she was talented, maybe not Oscar worthy talented, but gifted nonetheless after seeing her in A Streetcar Named Desire?
Penny finished off her first glass of the new bottle of wine and decided to employ something that Dr. Gallo had suggested. She grabbed her tablet and opened up the word processing application. Instead of writing to her diary, she addressed it to her husband.
Leonard:
The doctor probably told you how helpful it is to write things down. How it clears your mind. You know I've kept a diary for years, but I wanted to say this to you. Since you're not here right now, I thought I would write it down for you to read later when you come home. At least, I am hoping you will come home to me tonight.
It was wrong that I blurted out that I wanted to quit my job and try acting again. I should have eased into it and told you how I felt before I made that decision. I probably should have talked to you before I made that decision too. Man marriage is hard work.
I don't want you to go blindly along with whatever I want because you feel you have no voice in it. You do. You are my husband and what you say matters a great deal to me. That is probably why it hurts that you don't think I can make it as an actress. I guess you're just trying to be honest.
Ever since I grew boobs, to be frank, I was able to use my looks, my figure and my charms to get what I want. When I was talking to Dr. Gallo, I realized two things. One was that my looks and figure were not going to last forever. The other thing was that being married to you means that I don't have to use my charm to get my way with you, and that left me wondering what I bring to this relationship.
I enjoy making the money I do with this rep job, but I'm not passionate about it. I like being able to afford nice things, but after a while, I found that it didn't make me as happy as it used to. When I was trying to be an actress, that dream of finding that career starting role kept me going. The heartbreak of not finding it was tough, but I admit I jumped at the chance to be self-sufficient. Maybe I just don't know what I want.
Except for you. I know I want you. I love being your wife. But I want this living arrangement to be settled. I know I suggested we help Sheldon out. I tend to give into our little man-child too much. Do you think I will be like that with our kids?
Woah, where did that come, she thought. Better to not delve into that particular subject at present.
Anyway, I wish you would come home so you can read this and we can talk about it.
She was about to type the ending of her diary letter when the door opened, and Leonard walked in. He closed the door and locked it before he turned to look at her. When he did, she smiled shyly. That gave him the courage that he needed to approach her and sit down beside her.
"What are you doing?" he asked eying the tablet.
"I was writing in my journal to you," she replied.
"I said I wouldn't read it anymore."
"I want you to read this," she replied moving the letter back up to the top of the screen. She handed the tablet to him. He took it and then looked at her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I think it will do us both good," Penny said.
"Well I'm glad you feel that way because I wrote you too," he replied pulling out the pages he had in his back pocket. He didn't want to carry them in his hand before assessing the atmosphere in the apartment.
"Dr. Gallo?" she asked. Leonard nodded.
"Is it wrong that we had to write it down and not just talk to each other?" he asked.
"I would think it would be wrong if we didn't discuss it at all." Leonard agreed. They swapped what was in each of their hands and sat back to read. Penny wasn't sure how many pages her letter would have been, but she assumed that it was not as lengthy as the five pages Leonard just handed to her.
Dearest Penny:
I am taking a page out of what Dr. Gallo suggested by writing down my feelings. I am writing to you because there is no one else I would ever want to know all that I feel. I know I did not handle what you said to me the right way. I know I became agitated when I should have been open minded. I was frankly floored by what you said. You know I'm not the most astute when it comes to reading how you are feeling at any given time. Physical science I can relate to, but something that is intangible is hard for me.
I wasn't expecting to see Dr. Gallo and find myself pouring out my heart to her so effortlessly. I hadn't expected to feel so liberated in doing so. I have spent my life trying to appease everyone else so much that I don't really know what it is that I want. Except for you. That has always been a constant.
I'm probably going farther into this than our original discussion/argument needs, but I want to express finally some thoughts that I have been holding inside. I feel that sometimes you (and possibly everyone else) thinks I see or act as if you are a mother figure to me. I believe that is false. I see you and I as equals, not as pseudo-mother/child. I never have. Yes, I have issues regarding my upbringing, and that has made me think little of myself. It's been hard to move past that and see myself through the eyes of someone who truly loves me.
Ironically, I see Sheldon more as being a representation of my mother. Sounds ridiculous but the more I think about it, the more I can see it. It's mostly in the way he critiques every aspect of my life. The way he butts into every aspect of my life. The way – okay I'll stop now.
I'm really not blaming him. He is who he is. But I have let him have control over my worth for too long. Maybe that is why I am finding it hard to let go of him. It's like leaving home again – even if you're running as fast as you can away from there.
But, I need to move on from that. I need to move on to our life together. I know that we did not start our married life out the way both of us wanted. With the Mandy fiasco and spending our wedding night apart, finding out no one saw our vows to having to deal with Sheldon and Amy's traumas, we really haven't had a chance to truly enjoy married life. Maybe that is part of the reason why you need to pursue something that is part of your past. Something that is familiar and safe for you.
I want you to do what you want to do. Everyone should follow their dream, but I feel we need to have some plan in place that is agreeable to the both of us. I do not want to live our married life flying by the seat of our pants. We tend to let these things just blow over without giving them their proper due. I know now that is the worst thing we can do.
Leonard had read Penny's letter twice when he looked over and noticed her eyes were starting to close. She was only on the second page and had three more to go. He put his hand on her knee, and she turned her head to him.
"You don't have to finish this tonight," he said trying to take the pages out of her hands.
"No, no I want to read what you wrote."
"You're tired. You should go to bed," he said strongly.
"I want to finish this. It's important to you," Penny replied close to tears.
"You're well-being is more important to me. Let's go to bed and you can finish this tomorrow," he said taking the letter out of her hands. He placed it on the table and stood up. He reached for her, and she got up and fell into his arms. They hugged for a few minutes before he let her go so they could maneuver around the coffee table and go into the bedroom.
"What did you think of my letter?" Penny asked laying her head on her pillow. Leonard draped his arm around her waist.
"Let's talk about it tomorrow. We have the day off. Low allergy day so how about a picnic?"
"Sounds great," Penny replied and closed her eyes. "Love you."
"I love you too."
TBC
