Hey guys! Here's the Doctor's letter to Rose :) I found this hard to write, actually! xP Enjoy!
Letters to Space
Everyday, without fail, the Doctor misses her.
He knows he shouldn't, knows that really, she was never truly his to miss. She belonged with another man now, a man that needed her even more than he did. Well, that's what he keeps telling himself, because otherwise the guilt of leaving her again becomes too unbearable.
He's never slept much.
Sleep is mundane, and repetitive. There was so much to see so much to do; sleep really wasn't an important issue for him. Plus, sleep was when the dreams came.
The nightmares that made him wake up drenched in icy sweat, tears leaking from his eyes. When he was with her, the nightmares became just that little bit more bearable. They only came right in the depths of the abyss of night, and they weren't as prominent, as utterly soul shaking as before. When he was with her, everything felt that little bit better, brighter.
When she left, they came back worse than before. Not only when he attempted to sleep now, but every time he closed his eyes they were there, his own personal terror, lying beneath his eyelids. Every time he blinked, it was a real effort not to flinch, to physically recoil at what was waiting for him. Daleks were easy. Cybermen? A piece of cake. Give him a swarm of bloodsucking, face mauling aliens any day; he could deal with it. A man so brave, so unafraid of the monsters, terrified of his own dreams.
He was once so young, so new, so bright eyed and bushy tailed, so full of useless philandering talk of dogs with no noses, of tea and Barcelona; it scares him thinking about what he'd become. He was old now (so very, very old...); his eyes had seen too much. His views on life aren't optimistic anymore, he likes to kid himself that he can still the beauty of humanity, that the earth was still worth defending, but it was getting harder and harder. War, death, lies. The ugliness of the human race, that's all that filled his sight now. He needed her to show her the beautiful things, make him better, like she used to.
But still, gone now.
Above all, he was tired. Waiting for his death to come was the only thing he could count on. Patiently waiting for a time when he could close his eyes without fear, just to rest.
Every day, he wanders the TARDIS corridors, alone.
His mind is still being typically doctor-ish, never stopping, whizzing with so many thoughts that it often amazes him the all of them can fit in that daft head of his. His converses squeak against the TARDIS grating, there's the usual hum of life, but other than that, silence.
He remembers days when the corridors would be filled with the wailing notes of Rose's favourite singer, or the buzz of her hair dryer, or her musical voice as she chatted happily with her mum on the phone. His hearts ached for her, terribly. It was only when he was running, that he could forget, even for just a little while, and the ache that plagued him incessantly would subside; just a little.
It's just what made his life slightly bearable.
Some days, when the universe just got too much, when the space in his head just got too crammed full of planets, of stars, of banana recipes but mostly of her, he did the only thing he could think of to get rid of some of the pain.
He'd talk to her.
Obviously, he couldn't just talk to her, he was good, but even he couldn't rig up a phone call across dimensions. If he could, believe me, he would have done that a long, long time ago.
So instead, he takes a pen and paper, and he writes.
'Rose,
I just want you to know, that if I could, I'd come back for you, right this second.
I have all the galaxies in the universe at my disposal, and I'd give them up right this second, just to see your huge smile again, your adorable pink and yellow-ness. I miss you.
You're probably wondering why I left you on that beach, with the other me.
Never think you weren't good enough for me, because, oh Rassilon Rose, you were. As I said, a lifetime ago now, Rose Tyler, you are fantastic. Truly, cross my heart and hope to die.
I didn't leave you on that beach with the other me because I wanted to. At that moment, all I wanted to do was to take your hand, wipe away the tears that were making your mascara (or what ever on earth you call that foul stuff- I always said you didn't need it, but you insisted... oh I'm rambling. Sorry.) run down your cheeks, reminding me of when we stood there before, and me being a stupid no good coward and not finishing me sentence.
I know I never finished it. It still haunts me.
I'm sorry I never said it to your face, but I'm finally ready now. Rose Tyler, I love you.
I love the way you bite your lip when you get nervous. I love the way your tongue pokes between your teeth when you smile your gigantic, face swallowing smile that I love so much. I love the way you show compassion, to every living thing, no matter how many heads it has. I love the way your face lights up when I take you somewhere new- it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love the way you bake me banana muffins when I'm sad. I love the way you cried at that outer space musical, even though you couldn't understand the words. I love the way you spend hours getting ready in a morning. I love the way you love your mum. I love your accent. I love the way you know me, more than anyone else. I love your hand in mine, its when feel at home.
I just love you, Rose Tyler. All of you, as long as my hearts keep beating.
I hope you're happy with him... well me, well him, but... oh you know what I mean. I hope you have the biggest wedding in the world, and you shine like the stars I took you dancing through. I hope you have children- little copies of you, maybe they'll have your warm eyes and my... well his fantastic (if I say so myself...) hair. Maybe you'll have grand children. I can't explain Rose, how much I wanted to give you all these things, but I can't. I never could. But he can.
You deserve the world Rose, the universe, the whole entire cosmos. You deserved more than me. Just do one thing for me Rose, have a fantastic life.
I love you, '
He signed his name then, not his real name, his title. 'Doctor.' He couldn't burden her with anything more than that, he couldn't cause his perfect Rose anymore pain.
Then he'd walk to the TARDIS doors, throwing then wide open. The universe in front of him was beautiful, swirling galaxies, never ending skies, teeming with millions upon millions of stars. He'd release his fingers slowly, one by one, until finally the letter slipped from his grasp, floating away between the stars. He knew, in his great logical brain of his that it would never find her, but that didn't stop him praying that somehow it would.
The TARDIS would rumble worriedly then, startling from his reverie.
Turning away from the beautiful universe, shooting one last glance at the letter lost in its beautiful mess, he would sigh, running a hand up and down the TARDIS' door frame comfortingly.
"Don't worry about me girl, I'll be okay, I'm always okay."
SSo here it is! Hope you liked! R&R? :) It would make me happy. By the way, I was originally just going to leave it here, but I really like writing these, so if you have any ideas about letter you want me to write, let me know and I might continue :) Thanks for reading. :')
