My Greatest Mistake Was Letting You Go
"How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
'Cause I have you"
~ Lyrics from Crawl (Carry Me Through) by Superchick
Chapter 2: My Dilemma Is You
I loved you for your kindness, I loved you for your sincerity, I loved you for helping me in the office when I was going insane from the paperwork, I loved you for always treating me to ramen afterwards, I loved you for that small smile that would grace your lips when I did something stupid, I loved you for trying to keep your laughter in when we tried playing shōji and I was sticking my tongue out and sweating immensely as I tried to figure out what the piece was supposed to do, I loved you for always taking care of my laundry, I loved you for always making sure I had a nice warm meal other than ramen every night, I loved you for reminding me of the slightest things like where I put my keys, I loved you for playing in the forest with me, I loved you for picking out a specific tree in that forest and making it our tree, I loved you for grabbing your kunai and carving our names into our tree saying 'Naruto+ Hinata=BFFs', I loved you for allowing me to pick you up and spin you around whenever I saw you, I loved you for being obsessed with cinnamon rolls, I loved you for the pretty little flower pressing you did although I never understood it, I loved you for… so much more. All the little things you did like the blink of your eyes or the tilt of your cute little head to the side when you were confused only made me love you more. All my love for you ever did was grow.
But, was I wrong to think that you were trying to fall out of love with me?… Please tell me I was.
At first I shrugged it off during our first month of friendship when a man in the village winked at you and you just smiled.
During the second month, I was disturbed, perturbed even. We were having one of our simple strolls throughout Konoha, talking about nothing in particular when you absentmindedly said, 'A man asked me out on a date today. I bet it was because of the pretty perfume you bought me.'
It was meant to be a joke. But I didn't take it that way. Instead, I coldly asked, 'What man? Did you accept? I'll make sure he leaves you alone if you'd like.' I was indeed ready to hunt him down. You laughed at my sudden defensiveness. You found it cute but I was dead serious.
'No, I didn't accept. I don't really feel like dating anybody now.' That made me smile. It meant I could keep you longer.
During the third month, you came to our special tree with chocolates wrapped in a heart-shaped box. You shared them with me and we ate them happily, enjoying their rich taste. I asked you where you bought them just as I was about to pop another one of them in my mouth. Your answer made me crush the chocolate between my fingers.
So casually you answered, 'A man gave them to me when he asked me out. I refused but he told me to keep the chocolates anyways. I thought I'd share them with you.' The light shrug of your shoulders had given me a stab to the heart. Instead of a sweet treat, I saw the chocolate as bile, as a piece of shit.
Before you could reach your hand into the box for another, I grabbed the box and ran with it to the nearby river. I ignored your shouts as I was caught up in my hatred for the beautiful white box wrapped in red lace. I mercilessly threw it as hard as I could so that it would sink to the bottom. But not before I read the name on the tag. Arashi Sato.
As I marched back to our tree, furious as hell, I saw you standing up, looking as if you were about to cry. 'W-Why?' I ignored you and grabbed your wrists. 'Why would you accept those?' I yelled 'What if they were poisoned? What would I do if you got sick? Do you know how worried I would be? ' My eyes. I could tell they looked crazed, wild, as if I was about to snap at any moment. 'I-I'm sorry.' As I buried your head into my chest, I whispered, 'It's ok.' I was already set on finding whoever Arashi was and torturing him for making you cry.
Little did I know was that I was the one that made you cry.
I felt like you were slipping away from me, so during the months to come, I decided to make you love me again.
During our fourth month of friendship, I decided to surprise you, to celebrate us and our four-month-friendiversary. I made us both friendship bracelets. They were simple things. Made of strong silver string and decorated with little beads spelling 'NaruHina BFFs'. I thought it'd be a cute name for us. You know Naruto + Hinata= Best Friends Forever? Like what you carved into the tree.
The day I gave it to you, you jumped into my arms with tears streaming down your cheeks. When I asked you why you were crying, you said it was because you were so happy. I didn't know the gift itself caused you so much pain. I didn't know it then.
We swore we'd wear it every day for the rest of our lives. With every single activity we had done, the bracelet never came off. During missions, we wore the bracelets, but we kept them in more secretive places so the enemy couldn't find them.
During our fifth month of friendship, everything changed. It was in August that baa-chan gave me the full title of Hokage, when I was finally able to act as the present one. She wanted me to have a few months of freedom before I went insane from the work.
I thought she was just over-exaggerating. That was, until I actually sat in the Hokage office. It was clean. Tsunade decided to finish all of her paperwork from before to give me a clean start. It wasn't until the both of my advisors, Shikamaru and Sasuke, came in only a minute later with piles of paperwork needed to be finished by the end of the week, I understood what Tsunade meant.
I was always stuck in the office, high on caffeine and filled with ramen to keep me up in the nights. I never got to see you as much as I'd like. For the first two weeks, work had been hectic and we had only met twice. During the third week, you said you missed me so much that you would spend the days in the office with me, helping with all my work. I grinned like an idiot and hugged you so tightly that you nearly went blue. My work was cut down in half and we managed to squeeze in some alone time at my apartment where we would watch scary movies.
Scary movie night at 10:00 and at my place become a tradition in our friendship. Sometimes you would spend the night when you were too tired to go home and I would let you sleep in my arms on the couch. Those were the best moments.
During our sixth month of friendship, our friendship started going downhill. It was when I made the biggest mistake of my entire life.
Kenji Kimura. My worst enemy. He was invincible, untouchable. All because of me.
We were at the office, talking and laughing over instant ramen. As I watched you laugh, I couldn't help but feel the bliss that washed into my system. Your brilliant smile was what kept me going. I realized that it was wrong to keep these feelings bottled up inside of me. After all, I was sure you would feel the same way too.
What would it hurt to confess my love for you?
It made me wonder why I never told you at the beginning. Now I realize that it was for the same reason it took you years to confess to me.
I'll admit, when you confessed, I felt hurt. If you truly loved me for all of those years, why couldn't you tell me? When I was suffering, being mocked, laughed at, why didn't you come to my rescue? Why didn't you try to be my friend? Being shy wasn't enough of a reason for me. It made me angry at you! I was furious when I sat up that night, thinking about it! About an hour later of ranting and raving to myself, I finally stopped when I noted that the past was over and the present was here. I decided to give my heart a chance then.
But now, as my heart longs for you, I know why you couldn't tell me. You loved me too much. I loved you too much. My love for you kept me paralyzed. I was forced to keep it a secret, to keep it bottled up. The emotion known as love was too overwhelming, too scary to think about. Love was kind and gentle, but also a ticking time bomb ready to explode.
However, today was the day. The day when I showed love who was in charge. I couldn't wait any longer. At the bottom of the very cup of ramen you'd been eating out of, I taped a lilac to the plastic. On each petal of your favorite flower, the letters 'I L O V E Y O U' were written.
I was just bubbling with excitement, panic and anxiety as you grew closer and closer to the bottom.
You were halfway through when the door opened. Sasuke was escorting a guy into the office.
"Hinata, Dobe-sama," Sasuke acknowledged.
You giggled and I frowned as I retorted, "Teme-chan."
Sasuke glared and I stuck out my tongue.
"Anyways," Sasuke continued, "The man behind me is Kimura Kenji from Kirigakure. He traveled here to seek citizenship."
Kenji stepped from behind Sasuke and into view of the us. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Hokage-sama, Hinata-sama."
As he bowed, you spoke up, "You know my name?"
Kenji smiled. "Of course I do. Kurenai-sensei talks about you and Ryu all the time in her letters."
"Kurenai-sensei's your sensei too?" you asked.
Kenji nodded. "Years ago, she was on a mission in Kiri. We met when I was … being teased by some other boys. She decided to train me there. And it sure helped a lot! She gave me self-confidence and assurance in my genjutsu abilities. People stopped teasing me for being weak when they saw I could hold my ground. Kurenai-sensei and I have been writing letters to each other ever since. I wanted to move here for a bit, so I could help take care of Ryu and catch up with her. She doesn't come to Kiri anymore."
In my mind, I found no reason to distrust him and that was my second biggest mistake. My biggest mistake was looking over his scroll and stamping it with Konoha's approval seal. He was officially a citizen of Konoha. Able to travel from Kiri to Konoha whenever he liked.
As we all conversed, Sasuke long gone already, it was all harmless talk.
"Would you like me to show you to Kurenai-sensei's place?" you offered that. And he accepted.
"I'll be back soon, Naruto-kun," you said cheerfully.
"Okay," I pouted.
It wasn't until I saw you hook your arm through his that I realized my mistake. "No," I whispered as my eyes followed you onto the village streets. You were talking and laughing with him. "No!" I shouted.
My heart was beating rapidly and I could feel my chest area constrict. You were letting him in, letting him join your inner circle. In my frenzy of fury, I knocked over your ramen cup. I quickly picked it up, draining it of the noodles and soup then looked inside of it with hurt eyes. I was hurt beyond repair. I was so close.
As the weeks went by, things were changing. My stable life with you was becoming different. And it was driving me insane. You always showed up at my office at 9:00 exactly. You didn't show up until 10:00. You said you were helping Kenji get settled into his apartment.
I managed to hide my anger and put on a big grin. "That's okay! As long as you're here now!"
That was my third biggest mistake. With my okay, you kept coming at 10:00. You were spending your mornings with Kenji.
As the days went on, my head was spinning. My world felt so out of place, so imbalanced.
You would sometimes miss movie night. The first time you missed it, I trashed my mansion and screamed for the entire village of Konoha. I didn't care if anyone heard. I was hurt. Your excuse was, 'Kenji and I were babysitting Ryu.'. Of course, I accented my third biggest mistake and grinned. Again, I said. "That's okay! As long as you're here now!" From that day on, you spent every Thursday night, at Kurenai's home, alone with Kenji while babysitting Ryu. It gave me nightmares of losing you.
During the dreaded sixth month, I visited your home at the Hyuuga complex. I wheeled around when I saw you and Kenji pressing flowers and laughing. Your bracelet was off. You took it off. Our friendship was officially broken.
Neji saw my pained face and gave me an awkward pat on the back. I knew what it meant. It said, 'If you don't do something soon, she's going to leave you.'
And that's what happened. You seemed to forget about me. You never had enough time for me. We would only meet once a week while you spent the rest of your time with Kenji.
I knew that during that sixth month, the friendship I thought to be invincible had been shattered and broken down mercilessly.
During the first month of our broken friendship, I would sit at our tree, running my fingers over the outline of the carving. Apparently, forever had a time limit. And ours was expired.
I would do what we used to do, all alone. I did it to torture myself, to punish myself for not acting sooner.
I didn't grin anymore. It took a lot just to get a smile out of me. Sasuke noticed this and immediately told Sakura. But there was nothing that could be done. I couldn't be fixed. I was broken beyond repair. All they could do was watch on sadly. That's what everybody did.
I would only put a grin on for you. That was, when you visited me. You seemed to not notice my despair. At least that was what I told myself. I didn't want to think of the alternative.
The alternative being, you noticed… You just couldn't bother to care anymore.
During the second month of our broken friendship, you never visited me anymore. Our friendship was dead. When we saw each other in the streets of Konoha we would pass a brief greeting and then leave. It was awkward then as if you really didn't want to see me.
Was it as painful for you as it was for me? Of course not. Whenever we saw each other, you were with Kenji.
What was it that brought you to him? Was it because of his looks? He was short but not as short as you. He was 5 foot 5 with a slight and slender build. He had a boyish and youthful face and was always grinning. He had pale skin like you. His face was round with a small nose and mouth with full lips and large purple eyes, with no discernable pupils, with dark eyelashes. His hair was wavy, cropped neck-length and lavender in color with a fringe that just stops above his eyes with longer bangs at each side of his face.
I've heard the village girls describe him as beautiful, as the second Uchiha Sasuke. It made me sick. But you weren't shallow enough to like him for looks, were you? Of course not. What made you like him so much?
I decided to stalk you for the day. As I loathed, you were with Kenji. Throughout the day, you both flower pressed, you both played with little Ryu, you both ate cinnamon rolls, you both grinned at each other. You were exactly alike.
I realized that I was no competition for Kenji. You liked the same things, you bonded together perfectly. As for us, we didn't like the exact same things, we bonded but we always had our arguments.
When I decided to go home and drown in my sorrows, the last thing that finished my heart off was seeing something I'd rather not see. The both of you were blushing as you… as you… as you… kissed.
And on that day, you, Hyuuga Hinata, killed me.
During the third month of our broken friendship, the news about you and Kenji spread throughout Konoha like wildfire.
The Konoha 11 was enraged. At first they all met up at my house. When I went home that night, they were all there, looking frustrated and depressed for me.
Sakura met me at the doorway with a hug and tears. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.
I knew what she was talking about. I didn't hug her back; neither did I comfort her because I was in more pain than her. My face was emotionless and as solid as stone.
They all forced me to sit down with them. They all told me that they didn't like it either, that they wished it was me, that they would do anything they could… But alas, they couldn't. Because Kenji made you happy. And they couldn't make someone as delicate as you unhappy.
All of the previous events, led to where I am now. It was the 1st of December. It was cold and snowing. A blizzard to be precise. Everyone was in their homes, inside with the warmth and comfort of their loved ones. Only an idiot would be outside in such violent weather.
I'm that idiot.
Wrapped up in a white parka with flame designs decorating it, I walked through the streets of Konoha that seemed almost different from the blizzard.
As the frosty wind blew across my rosy cheeks, I did not allow my teeth to chatter. I decided to face the cold because my heart was colder.
My ears were covered with fuzzy orange earmuffs and my head was covered from the hap hazardous snow by the hood of the parka. My orange boots trudged through the mounds of snow.
I'd been walking aimlessly through this blizzard for hours now, just thinking about the past events that led me to where I am now. Alone and freezing. You would be probably stuck at Kenji's place, in the warm, toasty abode, drinking hot chocolate and kissing your boyfriend in pure bliss.
I laughed at myself. That could have been me if things went differently, if I only told you that I loved you too the first day. Now look where waiting has gotten me.
I realized that in this blizzard, no one would hear me. I could die and no one would find me. Snow would bury my body. It seemed pleasant enough. Dying with a blanket of snow to cover my carcass.
I wouldn't be found until the snow had melted or until a dog had sniffed me up.
I decided to let my final words go.
"Hinata!" I screamed. There was no point in keeping my love a secret anymore. "I lo-!"
"Naruto?" a voice shouted.
I froze. It was your voice. I hadn't spoken to you in months. I quickly put that aside. Why the hell were you out here in a blizzard? Did you want to die! Over my fucking dead body!
"Hinata!" I screamed.
You didn't reply this time. It was as if you didn't want me to find you. But I heard your feet moving.
I ran as fast as I could in the direction of your slow trudging, just ready to yell at you for being out here.
I saw your figure wrapped up in the same attire as me, except the theme was blue.
I grabbed your shoulders and spun around your retreating body. I shook you hard. "What the hell are you doing out here, Hinata?"
You looked annoyed. "Leave me alone, Naruto."
I ignored you. "You could be hurt! You-"
"Okay!" you shouted, "I'm sorry! Now let me go!"
You were struggling against my grip but I held on to you tighter. "What made you come out here?"
"It's none of your business." Your voice was cold and your eyes were glaring… at me.
"Fine!" I let you go with more force than necessary. You stumbled backwards but I wasn't sorry.
I decided that this was my chance, to let you feel horrible for doing this to me. "What's your problem, Hinata? We were best friends only some months ago and then you just cut me off and start avoiding me like the plague? Do you know how much that hurts? Huh? Huh?"
You didn't look at my face. Your gaze was at the floor. "Look at me!" I shouted angrily. I pulled your face and forced your eyes to find mine. "What is your problem! I'm not a piece of trash! You can't just throw me away like that!"
You batted my hand away. "You're not a piece of trash," you murmured. "I was just sick and tired of this."
"Tired of what?"
"Tired of you pretending to go along with this friend thing!" you shouted, "Did you really think that I would be happy just being friends with you? Do you not know how much it hurt whenever I saw you and knew that we could only be friends? When you touched me and treated me as if I was the most important person in the world, it hurt me so much! I felt like a ragdoll! Being used just for your own benefit! I don't want your pity Naruto! I would've preferred you to just avoid me but no! You wanted to be my friend!"
I was about to interrupt but you cut me off.
"I kept trying to fall out of love with you, to get used to finding someone else but you would always do something that made me believe that for the slightest moment you loved me too. Boy, was I wrong. We were just "friends"" You said the word as if it was poison. "I met Kenji and decided I could move on with him. He got along with me, understood me, he was perfect.
"But I couldn't move on because my heart already belonged to you. Kenji and I dated. It was fun. I kept telling myself I loved him but I knew that I still loved you! It's because of you that I couldn't give Kenji my heart! It was because of you that I had to break up with him and break his poor little heart!
"You want to know why I'm out here, Naruto? It's because I'm heartbroken. I'm depressed. I'm going insane. You killed me the minute you said you wanted to remain friends. I've been suffering… alll… along."
Tears began streaming down your face and you started to wail and huff as you tried clearing them.
Your voice was cracking, "All along… Naruto. I'm out here b-because I'm trying to r-run away f-from the pain. It hurts too-"
Before you could continue, I quickly pressed my lips against yours. You resisted at first but soon you melted into it.
The kiss was awkward. Our lips were frozen blue and hard from the blizzard but we didn't care. All I wanted was you, you and you. Only you.
As we pulled apart, I felt my heart beat once again. I grinned widely at your confusion.
"We're both idiots, huh?" I laughed.
"What do you-?"
"I… have been in love with you the entire time."
You froze. "W-What?"
"I, Uzumaki Naruto, have been in love with you, Hinata Hyuuga, for nine fucking months, wondering if you still loved me. If you hadn't lied to me about our first kiss at the party, then we could've skipped all of this crap and went straight to the part where I got to kiss you as long as I wanted to without having to worry about freezing to death."
You were blushing ten shades of red. "R-Really?"
"Really."
"Then will you be my idiot?"
"Certainly."
You leaned in for a kiss but I dodged it. "Let's get out of the blizzard first, shall we?"
You laughed and held my hand. I gave yours a squeeze and kissed your forehead. You giggled.
We turned around and began walking in the direction of my mansion. It was a good thing the blizzard had died down.
As we walked, I smiled. "Do you want to know what my biggest mistake was?"
You looked at me with the eyes I missed so dearly. "No."
"My biggest mistake was letting you go."
"Screw this," you whispered.
I raised an eyebrow and looked at you with a grin plastered on my face. "What kind of language is this from the Hyuuga heire-"
You jumped me and knocked us down onto the layers of snow. "I want you now."
You straddled my waist and crushed your lips onto mine. I didn't hesitate in returning the kisses back to you. "I love you," I murmured.
"I love you too."
The End
(A/N): I might be posting a sequel to this called "My Biggest Mistake Was Losing You Too" but it will be in Hinata's point of view. I might get around to it, I might not.
