Outsider's view 2
By Indus
For warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Rating: R Summary: In the last chapter, Sirius found out that Harry and Hermione (Ron's girlfriend) are in love with each other but are hiding it until the end of the second war.
Remus
I kissed my mate goodbye, holding on for one blessed minute before releasing him. We were about to start the last battle.
We all knew this was it. Dumbledore had given his life just three months ago to ensure that the wards protecting Hogwarts remained strong, and they had held well. I could still feel my old Headmaster's magic pulsing in the very walls of this place where it all began. But that last act of Albus, to tie his spirit to the school, might also have guaranteed its destruction. Voldemort was amassing power, and the resistance against him depended on the fact that the Dark Lord was still less powerful than Dumbledore. If Voldemort destroyed Hogwarts, the magical community would be his. Tom Riddle, as he once was, knew nothing if he did not know that.
Looking into Sirius' eyes, I tried to convey all my love for him, and how I needed him to stay strong and alive. I read some of the same things in his eyes, and smiled to tell him that I would fight to be with him for many more years. We could not speak this private conversation out loud; we were surrounded by hundreds of our friends and their families. When Hogwarts became the last safe place, hundreds of wizarding families from around the continent sought refuge here. Werewolves, vampires, wizards and former Death Eaters were all gathered together to fight this last battle- all equals as they realized that the Dark Lord would not find it much harder to kill a creature than a human. None of us have yet found a way to combat his killing curse.
At that thought, my eyes went immediately to the boy who had in fact survived it, currently being strangled by Mrs. Weasley. Much would rest on him, too much for a boy not yet eighteen to bear. But when Arthur gently pulled his wife away, I saw him grasp the hands of Hermione and Ron and knew that he was not bearing it alone.
Arthur and Molly were having a similar silent conversation of their own. They were already grieving for their son Percy, and knew that they were not invincible in this war. I sometimes wonder if they had any idea when they were gearing for battle they were fighting alongside the people who had killed their precious child. I am sure it crossed their minds; parents must suspect something when their children become Death Eaters. We could not save him as he was killed alongside other Death Eaters during a raid, but we managed to make it look like he had been an accidental casualty. Relations between the Weasleys and Fletcher, who had been the one to kill Percy, were not good, but we all had pledged to ensure that they never know that their son had become a servant of Voldemort.
Ron did know, as did Hermione and Harry, but the youngest boy of that suddenly diminished family did not talk about it with anyone including his best friends. However, he did hold onto them a little tighter. I sincerely hoped they all made it out of this alive.
My musings were broken by Ron's sudden exclamation of disgust. "Ugh, you guys can't do that in front of me." His parents were kissing each other hard, displaying the passion that they generally did not exhibit in front of others, but that had given them seven children they had loved despite or because of everything they had done. Hermione put her hand on his mouth though, her eyes blinking as she looked at them. That could be, and indeed was, the last time they would hold each other like that.
Everything became a little more harried then. Death Eaters were at the outer gates; those of us who were doing active fighting would have to go outside the school immediately. Many of the witches and wizards who had not fought for a few years would guard the inside of the school in case some Death Eaters managed to get through, while still others, led by Madame Pomfrey would look after the elders, the children and the wounded.
In the bustle, we were all separated, and I made my way to the main doors. The Great Hall was empty except for Harry, who was looking around before he walked out. Before I could say something, Hermione ran in from a door on the other side, and the desperation on her face made me stay quiet.
"Wait!"
I saw Harry's expression change from wistful to something else that I could not, would not identify then. "Are you"-
"I'm fine, or at least as fine as I can be right now. But Harry, I just needed to get you alone for a minute before we went into this war. I know many people may die today, but all I can think of is you. You will play the biggest role here, we all know that, but I want you to promise me that whatever happens, however difficult things become out there, you will come back for me."
"I promise." And then James' son shocked and saddened me by pulling the woman his best friend loved into his arms. He did not kiss her, but he held her close, plastering her body to his so that she could feel the reassurance of his heart beating, lungs working, in every cell in her own body. She clung just as close to him.
They were in love with each other. And this was not some ridiculous witch drama where this happens and neither party is aware of the other's emotions. No, love was returned, and both of them knew it. And when I heard a gasp behind me, I did not need to turn around to realize that their best friend knew it too.
I felt more than heard Ron draw in breath to say something, to shout his feelings of betrayal. Using lycanthropic agility, I spun around and clamped my hand over his mouth before he could saw a word. It was not difficult to drag the bewildered boy outside, but we were still too close to the Hall for me to let him speak.
Putting my mouth to his ear, I whispered, "Don't say anything now."
Wrestling away from me, he whispered back that I could not ask that of him.
"I know you have every right to go in there and cause a scene, but do you want to? You are going into war, and one of you might never come back. Do you really want the last words you said to your best friends, your family, be ones of hate? You know how important you are to them, and how important the three of you are to this war. We need you to be together."
He didn't say anything for a minute, and seemed to be fighting through his anger and pain to listen to what I was saying. His eyes remained wary and suspicious though, and I knew what he was thinking. "No Ron, I didn't know until this very minute."
"So they've been lying to you too."
I wanted to object to that and defend Harry's character, but I couldn't say anything. Ron was, after all, right and completely justified in his anger. And as I looked at him, I couldn't help feeling angrier and more disappointed with Harry and Hermione than I had ever been before. The three of them had always been so close, and now they had precipitated a situation that would tear them apart. But the separation would have to come after the war. "Ron, you're right about being lied to, and I can't deny that I am furious and very disappointed over the way they treated you. There is no excuse for that, but you are going into battle and you need to be clear- headed. Put away what just happened and try to think of the good times you had for the past seven years."
I had to leave him with those words as there was far too much work to be done in too short a time, but I remember turning to take one last look at the tall, thin but proudly-stiff shoulders. And I remember suddenly knowing that he would not walk out of the final battle.
He died for Harry. In one of the bravest and most spectacularly self- sacrificing actions I have ever seen, he thrust himself in the path of the killing curse so that Voldemort's would not touch his former best friend, but Harry's curse would and did kill the Dark Lord.
It was near the end of the battle, and I happened to be free from attackers. I saw him fall, and then I saw Harry run towards him. Before he could make it all of the way, we heard Hermione's scream. Harry's head jerked around, and he seemed caught.
Ron's head lifted a bit, and he stared straight at Harry. "Go to her!" It needed no more than that. We all knew from the look on his face that it would be over in a matter of minutes, but Hermione could still be saved. And as the wild-haired boy ran past me, I saw tears pouring down his face. I will confess that I was not dry-eyed myself.
I went to Ron and held his head up as I softly spoke a spell that would make his last moments a little less painful. "You jumped in front of him."
He licked dry lips. "It isn't the first time. In fact, I just got back from a mission where I risked my life in pretending to be hiding out with him in a trap for Voldemort. He didn't fall for it, but if he had I could have died. You know that; you helped me put the plan together and commiserated with me when it failed. Why are you so surprised?"
"You said his name." It wasn't an answer, but it gave me time to think of what to say.
"I'm dying now. No, don't try to say different. I guess the only reason it didn't kill me immediately was that Harry had already weakened Voldemort. But it's stupid to be afraid of a name now, and you didn't answer my question."
"Yes, I suppose it is. And the answer to your question is that I did not think you would give your life for Harry after discovering what you did this afternoon."
He closed his eyes for a minute, and I panicked, sure I had lost him. But then they opened again, and though they were hazier it was obvious that he was still aware of his surroundings. "I couldn't go on, Remus, I couldn't. And this seemed like the best way to stop."
"Ron." I tried.
"No, Professor, don't tell me that this isn't the end of the world. It is the end of mine. I saw my sister, my eldest brother and my father fall. And I lost Harry and Hermione today too. But when I saw the curse heading to Harry, I reacted with anger for what I had lost. Voldemort killed my family, including Percy because he seduced him to dark magic, and then he made Harry into something that made sure I would never be able to compete with him." He laughed bitterly. "The entire wizarding world loved him more than they will ever love me, Quidditch loved him more than me, and my family was closer to him than they were to me and even the only woman I've ever imagined spending the rest of my life with left me for him. And all I could think of was that stupid scar, and how much I hated Voldemort for giving it to him. So I did what I could to kill him, and it worked."
Yes it had worked, but at far too great a cost.
Putting away my grief to a recess in my brain that would make sure I dealt with it later, I counseled him to do the same. "Don't let your last breaths and speeches be made in anger, Ron."
Those soft, beautifully sweet young eyes were clouded with pain and approaching death. Blood dribbled out of his mouth but his next words were lucid. "How can they not be?"
I smiled at him, trying not to cry but dismally failing. "Admit to yourself that you saved Harry not just out of hate for Voldemort, but out of a subconscious desire to save the life of one of the people you love most in the world, just as you pushed him to help Hermione. Ron, I have loved one of my best friends for almost thirty years, and if he survives this day I am secure in the knowledge that I will have him as my lover for the rest of our lives. But Sirius means just as much in a different way as James and even as Peter did, a lifetime ago. I know what it is to be betrayed by those closest to you, but I also know how much you need to talk to them before you make decisions or leave with hate in your heart."
He seemed to think about that, and when he spoke again it was on other matters. "I'm dying." I did not think it was very useful to lie to him at this juncture, so I softly agreed. "I don't think I'm ready to die yet." It wasn't what he had been saying a few minutes ago, but I had known that the closer he came to actually dying the less he would like the reality of it.
"I doubt anyone is."
"I wanted to get married, you know. I am a Weasley, and the whole marriage and kids thing is ingrained in us from birth. I laughed at my family, hated it sometimes, but I always thought I would have something like it some day. But ever since I remember my wife having a face in those visions of my future, she had Hermione's face. Tell me a story Remus about the Marauders."
I was thrown off by that random last sentence and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. It is difficult to remember what story I told him, but long before it was over I felt him die in my arms. What I do know is that after I felt his soul leave the body I held, while I spoke the words automatically from my memory, all I could do was curse the utter inhumanity of humanity.
*
After restoring Ron's body to his shattered mother, I helped look for other survivors and bring home the dead. Sirius and some other members of the Order were transporting the remaining Death Eaters to a safe and secluded location, but the danger had ended with the death of Voldemort.
Harry and Hermione were holding each other for comfort. I stood for a minute watching them, and I smelled, felt and saw their absolute love for the fallen third member of their trio. It was at that moment that I decided I would never tell them that Ron had known of their relationship. Let them think he died loving them as he had always done until that day. Perhaps I should have made them feel for a second what pain they had wrought on that very vulnerable child, who had made obvious his existing demons of envy, jealousy and insecurity as he fought them with all the courage and strength of a true Gryffindor. But Harry was James' son, and I owed it to my first and best of best friends, to protect his son from a truth that could only hurt him. Their relationship would not survive knowing that they had prompted Ron's death by being together. For we all knew Ron's death could have been prevented; Voldemort's curse has already twice failed to kill Harry and chances are it would have failed a third time too. Everyone else assumed that he had done it without thinking, but none of them knew that he had seen Harry and Hermione together just hours before making the decision to stand in the way of a curse he knew he was not powerful enough to counter.
For a few minutes I contemplated keeping this secret to myself and never telling another soul. Years stretched before me where Ron's death would germinate- a dark seed in my very soul preventing me from enjoying Harry's wedding, his children and all the special days that I should share with James and Lily's son. No, I could not choose such a fate. As horrible as it was, I had to share what I knew with my lover.
I took two steps towards him before I thought twice about my decision. Sirius * idolized * Harry; I could not come in the way of that, could I?
Mulling over this problem, I slowly walked to my temporary quarters in Hogwarts. Needing to wash Ron's blood off of my body, I took a hot shower and bundled up the robe I was wearing that day. I may not have many more but I refused to try to wear those again.
I was holding the heavy woolen cloth in my hand and looking at it closely when Sirius came in. "What is it?"
I caressed the robes gently, marveling at how life could be reduced to an empty shell and a few stains on someone else's clothes. "This is Ron's blood. I held him as he died."
Sirius grabbed my shoulder. "You held him as he died? But that would mean he survived the Killing curse initially. Of course, Voldemort's power was severely drained so it must not have killed him immediately. Was he awake?"
I nodded.
"Did he say something?"
This was it. What I said here would change everything, decide whether I would share my burden or bear it alone. I stared into his strong silver eyes and marveled how that color could give me strength in that form while in most others it could kill me. He seemed sympathetic, and trying to get me to open up as he often had after Azkaban. We had promised never to keep things, important things, from each other again.
"Yes."
"What? Did he give his love to Hermione and Harry?"
The air itself stopped. I could no longer hear the birds, or see or feel anything in that room or in the world aside from my mate and the robes I held, stained with a child's blood.
Something about the way he asked that, the way he joined their names, told me that he already knew about their relationship. So much for trust! I wanted to get up and shout, hit him, but all I could manage was a shocked "you knew."
His eyes widened. "How did you know?"
"I saw them hold each other before the battle."
"I see."
That was too much. The idiot! "No, my dear puppy, you don't see. Ron was standing right behind me."
He gasped, unable to say anything as his mind raced and he began to understand my anger. He can be, and almost always is, an idiot but he isn't actually stupid. "It was deliberate."
My sneer would have made Snape envious. "Oh yes, Sirius, it was. He died dealing with the pain not only of the curse, but also of losing some very dear family members and friends, as well as the rather significant betrayal of his girlfriend with his best friend. How perfectly romantic, isn't it?"
"She wasn't his girlfriend?" Sirius pointed out sullenly. Even he knew it hadn't been that simple.
"It doesn't get much more 'I'm waiting for you' than her parting. Is that when they started dating? Have they been cheating and kept it a secret for almost two years?"
"No! They fell in love, but they did not date until they could tell Ron the truth, which Dumbledore said they couldn't do. They haven't been cheating at all."
Semantics but wait. "Why in Merlin's name would Dumbledore ask them to lie to and betray Ron?"
He had the grace to look at the wall as he told me why the Headmaster had made such a brilliant plan, while for the first time I was rather grateful that Dumbledore was dead. Werewolves who kill one of the most important and loved wizards in the world aren't treated very well. And with every word he said something in me shriveled and died.
"Did you learn nothing then, Padfoot?" I waited for his answer with scant patience.
"I don't..."
I was speaking almost conversationally. "Did you know that I have always thought Ron was like you? Potters' best friends, the two of you, eternally loyal and loveable but terrible pains to bear sometimes because neither of you can control your tempers. Now I see I was wrong. Ron is actually like me."
He was confused and tried to argue, but I swept past him and cleaned as I spoke. "So what do the Rons and Remuses' have to do to earn trust then, Padfoot?"
He tried to interject a comment about how important I was to him, but I grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against a wall. "What do we have to do?" I was screaming by then, and I could feel tears pouring down my cheeks. I hate crying but days like this it is almost cathartic.
"I did trust you, Remus, in that you would not betray us, but I knew you were too scrupulous to take part in a scheme that even I knew was going to blow up in our faces at some point."
I set him down, seeing the truth in his eyes. This time, he had not betrayed me. I wonder if he knows that if he had not convinced me of that our relationship would have ended right there and then. The only reason it had survived the first time was that I felt guilty for not trusting him myself, and for the dozen years I had taken satisfaction that an innocent man was imprisoned in hell. But this fight was not over.
"And Ron?"
"Merlin, Remus, I loved the boy, you know that. And I do trust him, but I couldn't help remembering how Peter had loved Lily once, and I saw the similarities between the two of them."
I stopped him at that point. "Similarities? The full moon must be closer that I thought because I can't seem to follow your train of thought."
He sighed, as if I was the one who needed to be enlightened. Damn supercilious puppy! "Don't tell me you can't see how alike they are. The envy"-
"Fucking hell, you ass, if you look for Peter in every envious friend, you'll see little rats everywhere! Everything Ron felt was quite natural for someone who has been overshadowed as much as he was. But didn't you see how different he was from Peter in every important way? He may have at some points strained his relationship with Harry because of his envy but he never let it drive him to do anything malicious. Since he was barely even twelve years old Ron has- had- taken every opportunity to prove that if Voldemort himself knocked on his door and offered to spare his life in exchange for Harry, he would have spit in the Dark Lord's face without a thought. Don't you remember that night in the Shrieking Shack? You told Peter we would have chosen death to save him, as he should have done, as Ron did do at the giant chess set and when he stood on a broken leg to shield Harry from a crazy murderer."
"I would have once thought Peter would do the same. I did think it, enough, to give him James and Lily's lives to protect, and he let us all down. And remember what Harry said about the Mirror of Erised last summer? That he had seen James and Lily, and he thought it was some sort of family portrait until Ron saw himself become Quidditch captain and Head Boy. All things that Harry did become, and we did see Ron resent. Peter was not malicious as a boy either."
"No he wasn't, and I suppose now we'll never know what kind of man Ron would have become. But Peter was always a sycophant, something Ron has never aspired to being. And despite the envy, which he never tried to hide as well as Peter did, he shared everything with Harry. He let him become a Weasley, he let him have a mother figure, and most of all he was Harry's first and best friend because he never once looked on him as The Boy Who Lived, as anything more or less than what he was. Peter always saw himself as the victim, assisted in that by you and James who also had trouble seeing him as anything else, unless it was the full moon. Dammit, Sirius, the greatest difference is that Ron has never seen himself as less than Harry, which has kept the two of them sane and levelheaded for the past few years. No, Ron always thought what separated them was circumstances. Yes, Harry is a powerful wizard, and a damn good Quidditch player, but he is definitely normal in other ways. He is deficient in some regards, and for that reason his friends complement him. Ron was always more loyal, whether to his family, a pathetic team or his friends, and Hermione more logical, than Harry has shown himself to be."
"Don't say that about Harry!" Sirius' cheeks flushed.
"Don't say what?"
"That Harry isn't loyal. He has always been so good to everyone around him, you know that."
I sighed, looking to the heavens as if I expected Godric himself to deliver me from stupid humans. And a part of me began to wonder when I had so divorced myself from humanity. "Harry is a wonderful Gryffindor, but there are times when his lack of friends and family between losing Lily and James and coming to Hogwarts are very obvious. This stupid plan of theirs- how long do you think Ron would have done it if their situations were reversed? Merlin, Sirius, you still don't understand!"
"What? What don't I understand?"
"That it is a great deal better to trust a friend and be betrayed than not trust him at all!"
He gasped, widening his eyes until they were larger than they had ever been before. "But- but you know what happened with Peter."
"And I never blamed you for trusting Peter. You should have been able to trust him; he was like a brother to all of us. But your mistake was that you did not trust me, Sirius, and it took Azkaban and thirteen years for me to forgive you. I don't know if I would have forgiven you otherwise."
Saying that, I waved my wand and the suitcase I had steadily been packing closed with a bang. "When this is all over, send me an owl so I can tell you where to find me."
I walked out of Hogwarts, knowing I would never return. I had given so many years of my life to this castle and its inhabitants, believing that nothing would make me happier than becoming an accepted integral part of wizarding society, only to realize that I did not want that at all.
It was time to fight for my own kind from inside, to rejoin my kin, and to learn what it truly was to be a werewolf.
For warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Rating: R Summary: In the last chapter, Sirius found out that Harry and Hermione (Ron's girlfriend) are in love with each other but are hiding it until the end of the second war.
Remus
I kissed my mate goodbye, holding on for one blessed minute before releasing him. We were about to start the last battle.
We all knew this was it. Dumbledore had given his life just three months ago to ensure that the wards protecting Hogwarts remained strong, and they had held well. I could still feel my old Headmaster's magic pulsing in the very walls of this place where it all began. But that last act of Albus, to tie his spirit to the school, might also have guaranteed its destruction. Voldemort was amassing power, and the resistance against him depended on the fact that the Dark Lord was still less powerful than Dumbledore. If Voldemort destroyed Hogwarts, the magical community would be his. Tom Riddle, as he once was, knew nothing if he did not know that.
Looking into Sirius' eyes, I tried to convey all my love for him, and how I needed him to stay strong and alive. I read some of the same things in his eyes, and smiled to tell him that I would fight to be with him for many more years. We could not speak this private conversation out loud; we were surrounded by hundreds of our friends and their families. When Hogwarts became the last safe place, hundreds of wizarding families from around the continent sought refuge here. Werewolves, vampires, wizards and former Death Eaters were all gathered together to fight this last battle- all equals as they realized that the Dark Lord would not find it much harder to kill a creature than a human. None of us have yet found a way to combat his killing curse.
At that thought, my eyes went immediately to the boy who had in fact survived it, currently being strangled by Mrs. Weasley. Much would rest on him, too much for a boy not yet eighteen to bear. But when Arthur gently pulled his wife away, I saw him grasp the hands of Hermione and Ron and knew that he was not bearing it alone.
Arthur and Molly were having a similar silent conversation of their own. They were already grieving for their son Percy, and knew that they were not invincible in this war. I sometimes wonder if they had any idea when they were gearing for battle they were fighting alongside the people who had killed their precious child. I am sure it crossed their minds; parents must suspect something when their children become Death Eaters. We could not save him as he was killed alongside other Death Eaters during a raid, but we managed to make it look like he had been an accidental casualty. Relations between the Weasleys and Fletcher, who had been the one to kill Percy, were not good, but we all had pledged to ensure that they never know that their son had become a servant of Voldemort.
Ron did know, as did Hermione and Harry, but the youngest boy of that suddenly diminished family did not talk about it with anyone including his best friends. However, he did hold onto them a little tighter. I sincerely hoped they all made it out of this alive.
My musings were broken by Ron's sudden exclamation of disgust. "Ugh, you guys can't do that in front of me." His parents were kissing each other hard, displaying the passion that they generally did not exhibit in front of others, but that had given them seven children they had loved despite or because of everything they had done. Hermione put her hand on his mouth though, her eyes blinking as she looked at them. That could be, and indeed was, the last time they would hold each other like that.
Everything became a little more harried then. Death Eaters were at the outer gates; those of us who were doing active fighting would have to go outside the school immediately. Many of the witches and wizards who had not fought for a few years would guard the inside of the school in case some Death Eaters managed to get through, while still others, led by Madame Pomfrey would look after the elders, the children and the wounded.
In the bustle, we were all separated, and I made my way to the main doors. The Great Hall was empty except for Harry, who was looking around before he walked out. Before I could say something, Hermione ran in from a door on the other side, and the desperation on her face made me stay quiet.
"Wait!"
I saw Harry's expression change from wistful to something else that I could not, would not identify then. "Are you"-
"I'm fine, or at least as fine as I can be right now. But Harry, I just needed to get you alone for a minute before we went into this war. I know many people may die today, but all I can think of is you. You will play the biggest role here, we all know that, but I want you to promise me that whatever happens, however difficult things become out there, you will come back for me."
"I promise." And then James' son shocked and saddened me by pulling the woman his best friend loved into his arms. He did not kiss her, but he held her close, plastering her body to his so that she could feel the reassurance of his heart beating, lungs working, in every cell in her own body. She clung just as close to him.
They were in love with each other. And this was not some ridiculous witch drama where this happens and neither party is aware of the other's emotions. No, love was returned, and both of them knew it. And when I heard a gasp behind me, I did not need to turn around to realize that their best friend knew it too.
I felt more than heard Ron draw in breath to say something, to shout his feelings of betrayal. Using lycanthropic agility, I spun around and clamped my hand over his mouth before he could saw a word. It was not difficult to drag the bewildered boy outside, but we were still too close to the Hall for me to let him speak.
Putting my mouth to his ear, I whispered, "Don't say anything now."
Wrestling away from me, he whispered back that I could not ask that of him.
"I know you have every right to go in there and cause a scene, but do you want to? You are going into war, and one of you might never come back. Do you really want the last words you said to your best friends, your family, be ones of hate? You know how important you are to them, and how important the three of you are to this war. We need you to be together."
He didn't say anything for a minute, and seemed to be fighting through his anger and pain to listen to what I was saying. His eyes remained wary and suspicious though, and I knew what he was thinking. "No Ron, I didn't know until this very minute."
"So they've been lying to you too."
I wanted to object to that and defend Harry's character, but I couldn't say anything. Ron was, after all, right and completely justified in his anger. And as I looked at him, I couldn't help feeling angrier and more disappointed with Harry and Hermione than I had ever been before. The three of them had always been so close, and now they had precipitated a situation that would tear them apart. But the separation would have to come after the war. "Ron, you're right about being lied to, and I can't deny that I am furious and very disappointed over the way they treated you. There is no excuse for that, but you are going into battle and you need to be clear- headed. Put away what just happened and try to think of the good times you had for the past seven years."
I had to leave him with those words as there was far too much work to be done in too short a time, but I remember turning to take one last look at the tall, thin but proudly-stiff shoulders. And I remember suddenly knowing that he would not walk out of the final battle.
He died for Harry. In one of the bravest and most spectacularly self- sacrificing actions I have ever seen, he thrust himself in the path of the killing curse so that Voldemort's would not touch his former best friend, but Harry's curse would and did kill the Dark Lord.
It was near the end of the battle, and I happened to be free from attackers. I saw him fall, and then I saw Harry run towards him. Before he could make it all of the way, we heard Hermione's scream. Harry's head jerked around, and he seemed caught.
Ron's head lifted a bit, and he stared straight at Harry. "Go to her!" It needed no more than that. We all knew from the look on his face that it would be over in a matter of minutes, but Hermione could still be saved. And as the wild-haired boy ran past me, I saw tears pouring down his face. I will confess that I was not dry-eyed myself.
I went to Ron and held his head up as I softly spoke a spell that would make his last moments a little less painful. "You jumped in front of him."
He licked dry lips. "It isn't the first time. In fact, I just got back from a mission where I risked my life in pretending to be hiding out with him in a trap for Voldemort. He didn't fall for it, but if he had I could have died. You know that; you helped me put the plan together and commiserated with me when it failed. Why are you so surprised?"
"You said his name." It wasn't an answer, but it gave me time to think of what to say.
"I'm dying now. No, don't try to say different. I guess the only reason it didn't kill me immediately was that Harry had already weakened Voldemort. But it's stupid to be afraid of a name now, and you didn't answer my question."
"Yes, I suppose it is. And the answer to your question is that I did not think you would give your life for Harry after discovering what you did this afternoon."
He closed his eyes for a minute, and I panicked, sure I had lost him. But then they opened again, and though they were hazier it was obvious that he was still aware of his surroundings. "I couldn't go on, Remus, I couldn't. And this seemed like the best way to stop."
"Ron." I tried.
"No, Professor, don't tell me that this isn't the end of the world. It is the end of mine. I saw my sister, my eldest brother and my father fall. And I lost Harry and Hermione today too. But when I saw the curse heading to Harry, I reacted with anger for what I had lost. Voldemort killed my family, including Percy because he seduced him to dark magic, and then he made Harry into something that made sure I would never be able to compete with him." He laughed bitterly. "The entire wizarding world loved him more than they will ever love me, Quidditch loved him more than me, and my family was closer to him than they were to me and even the only woman I've ever imagined spending the rest of my life with left me for him. And all I could think of was that stupid scar, and how much I hated Voldemort for giving it to him. So I did what I could to kill him, and it worked."
Yes it had worked, but at far too great a cost.
Putting away my grief to a recess in my brain that would make sure I dealt with it later, I counseled him to do the same. "Don't let your last breaths and speeches be made in anger, Ron."
Those soft, beautifully sweet young eyes were clouded with pain and approaching death. Blood dribbled out of his mouth but his next words were lucid. "How can they not be?"
I smiled at him, trying not to cry but dismally failing. "Admit to yourself that you saved Harry not just out of hate for Voldemort, but out of a subconscious desire to save the life of one of the people you love most in the world, just as you pushed him to help Hermione. Ron, I have loved one of my best friends for almost thirty years, and if he survives this day I am secure in the knowledge that I will have him as my lover for the rest of our lives. But Sirius means just as much in a different way as James and even as Peter did, a lifetime ago. I know what it is to be betrayed by those closest to you, but I also know how much you need to talk to them before you make decisions or leave with hate in your heart."
He seemed to think about that, and when he spoke again it was on other matters. "I'm dying." I did not think it was very useful to lie to him at this juncture, so I softly agreed. "I don't think I'm ready to die yet." It wasn't what he had been saying a few minutes ago, but I had known that the closer he came to actually dying the less he would like the reality of it.
"I doubt anyone is."
"I wanted to get married, you know. I am a Weasley, and the whole marriage and kids thing is ingrained in us from birth. I laughed at my family, hated it sometimes, but I always thought I would have something like it some day. But ever since I remember my wife having a face in those visions of my future, she had Hermione's face. Tell me a story Remus about the Marauders."
I was thrown off by that random last sentence and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. It is difficult to remember what story I told him, but long before it was over I felt him die in my arms. What I do know is that after I felt his soul leave the body I held, while I spoke the words automatically from my memory, all I could do was curse the utter inhumanity of humanity.
*
After restoring Ron's body to his shattered mother, I helped look for other survivors and bring home the dead. Sirius and some other members of the Order were transporting the remaining Death Eaters to a safe and secluded location, but the danger had ended with the death of Voldemort.
Harry and Hermione were holding each other for comfort. I stood for a minute watching them, and I smelled, felt and saw their absolute love for the fallen third member of their trio. It was at that moment that I decided I would never tell them that Ron had known of their relationship. Let them think he died loving them as he had always done until that day. Perhaps I should have made them feel for a second what pain they had wrought on that very vulnerable child, who had made obvious his existing demons of envy, jealousy and insecurity as he fought them with all the courage and strength of a true Gryffindor. But Harry was James' son, and I owed it to my first and best of best friends, to protect his son from a truth that could only hurt him. Their relationship would not survive knowing that they had prompted Ron's death by being together. For we all knew Ron's death could have been prevented; Voldemort's curse has already twice failed to kill Harry and chances are it would have failed a third time too. Everyone else assumed that he had done it without thinking, but none of them knew that he had seen Harry and Hermione together just hours before making the decision to stand in the way of a curse he knew he was not powerful enough to counter.
For a few minutes I contemplated keeping this secret to myself and never telling another soul. Years stretched before me where Ron's death would germinate- a dark seed in my very soul preventing me from enjoying Harry's wedding, his children and all the special days that I should share with James and Lily's son. No, I could not choose such a fate. As horrible as it was, I had to share what I knew with my lover.
I took two steps towards him before I thought twice about my decision. Sirius * idolized * Harry; I could not come in the way of that, could I?
Mulling over this problem, I slowly walked to my temporary quarters in Hogwarts. Needing to wash Ron's blood off of my body, I took a hot shower and bundled up the robe I was wearing that day. I may not have many more but I refused to try to wear those again.
I was holding the heavy woolen cloth in my hand and looking at it closely when Sirius came in. "What is it?"
I caressed the robes gently, marveling at how life could be reduced to an empty shell and a few stains on someone else's clothes. "This is Ron's blood. I held him as he died."
Sirius grabbed my shoulder. "You held him as he died? But that would mean he survived the Killing curse initially. Of course, Voldemort's power was severely drained so it must not have killed him immediately. Was he awake?"
I nodded.
"Did he say something?"
This was it. What I said here would change everything, decide whether I would share my burden or bear it alone. I stared into his strong silver eyes and marveled how that color could give me strength in that form while in most others it could kill me. He seemed sympathetic, and trying to get me to open up as he often had after Azkaban. We had promised never to keep things, important things, from each other again.
"Yes."
"What? Did he give his love to Hermione and Harry?"
The air itself stopped. I could no longer hear the birds, or see or feel anything in that room or in the world aside from my mate and the robes I held, stained with a child's blood.
Something about the way he asked that, the way he joined their names, told me that he already knew about their relationship. So much for trust! I wanted to get up and shout, hit him, but all I could manage was a shocked "you knew."
His eyes widened. "How did you know?"
"I saw them hold each other before the battle."
"I see."
That was too much. The idiot! "No, my dear puppy, you don't see. Ron was standing right behind me."
He gasped, unable to say anything as his mind raced and he began to understand my anger. He can be, and almost always is, an idiot but he isn't actually stupid. "It was deliberate."
My sneer would have made Snape envious. "Oh yes, Sirius, it was. He died dealing with the pain not only of the curse, but also of losing some very dear family members and friends, as well as the rather significant betrayal of his girlfriend with his best friend. How perfectly romantic, isn't it?"
"She wasn't his girlfriend?" Sirius pointed out sullenly. Even he knew it hadn't been that simple.
"It doesn't get much more 'I'm waiting for you' than her parting. Is that when they started dating? Have they been cheating and kept it a secret for almost two years?"
"No! They fell in love, but they did not date until they could tell Ron the truth, which Dumbledore said they couldn't do. They haven't been cheating at all."
Semantics but wait. "Why in Merlin's name would Dumbledore ask them to lie to and betray Ron?"
He had the grace to look at the wall as he told me why the Headmaster had made such a brilliant plan, while for the first time I was rather grateful that Dumbledore was dead. Werewolves who kill one of the most important and loved wizards in the world aren't treated very well. And with every word he said something in me shriveled and died.
"Did you learn nothing then, Padfoot?" I waited for his answer with scant patience.
"I don't..."
I was speaking almost conversationally. "Did you know that I have always thought Ron was like you? Potters' best friends, the two of you, eternally loyal and loveable but terrible pains to bear sometimes because neither of you can control your tempers. Now I see I was wrong. Ron is actually like me."
He was confused and tried to argue, but I swept past him and cleaned as I spoke. "So what do the Rons and Remuses' have to do to earn trust then, Padfoot?"
He tried to interject a comment about how important I was to him, but I grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against a wall. "What do we have to do?" I was screaming by then, and I could feel tears pouring down my cheeks. I hate crying but days like this it is almost cathartic.
"I did trust you, Remus, in that you would not betray us, but I knew you were too scrupulous to take part in a scheme that even I knew was going to blow up in our faces at some point."
I set him down, seeing the truth in his eyes. This time, he had not betrayed me. I wonder if he knows that if he had not convinced me of that our relationship would have ended right there and then. The only reason it had survived the first time was that I felt guilty for not trusting him myself, and for the dozen years I had taken satisfaction that an innocent man was imprisoned in hell. But this fight was not over.
"And Ron?"
"Merlin, Remus, I loved the boy, you know that. And I do trust him, but I couldn't help remembering how Peter had loved Lily once, and I saw the similarities between the two of them."
I stopped him at that point. "Similarities? The full moon must be closer that I thought because I can't seem to follow your train of thought."
He sighed, as if I was the one who needed to be enlightened. Damn supercilious puppy! "Don't tell me you can't see how alike they are. The envy"-
"Fucking hell, you ass, if you look for Peter in every envious friend, you'll see little rats everywhere! Everything Ron felt was quite natural for someone who has been overshadowed as much as he was. But didn't you see how different he was from Peter in every important way? He may have at some points strained his relationship with Harry because of his envy but he never let it drive him to do anything malicious. Since he was barely even twelve years old Ron has- had- taken every opportunity to prove that if Voldemort himself knocked on his door and offered to spare his life in exchange for Harry, he would have spit in the Dark Lord's face without a thought. Don't you remember that night in the Shrieking Shack? You told Peter we would have chosen death to save him, as he should have done, as Ron did do at the giant chess set and when he stood on a broken leg to shield Harry from a crazy murderer."
"I would have once thought Peter would do the same. I did think it, enough, to give him James and Lily's lives to protect, and he let us all down. And remember what Harry said about the Mirror of Erised last summer? That he had seen James and Lily, and he thought it was some sort of family portrait until Ron saw himself become Quidditch captain and Head Boy. All things that Harry did become, and we did see Ron resent. Peter was not malicious as a boy either."
"No he wasn't, and I suppose now we'll never know what kind of man Ron would have become. But Peter was always a sycophant, something Ron has never aspired to being. And despite the envy, which he never tried to hide as well as Peter did, he shared everything with Harry. He let him become a Weasley, he let him have a mother figure, and most of all he was Harry's first and best friend because he never once looked on him as The Boy Who Lived, as anything more or less than what he was. Peter always saw himself as the victim, assisted in that by you and James who also had trouble seeing him as anything else, unless it was the full moon. Dammit, Sirius, the greatest difference is that Ron has never seen himself as less than Harry, which has kept the two of them sane and levelheaded for the past few years. No, Ron always thought what separated them was circumstances. Yes, Harry is a powerful wizard, and a damn good Quidditch player, but he is definitely normal in other ways. He is deficient in some regards, and for that reason his friends complement him. Ron was always more loyal, whether to his family, a pathetic team or his friends, and Hermione more logical, than Harry has shown himself to be."
"Don't say that about Harry!" Sirius' cheeks flushed.
"Don't say what?"
"That Harry isn't loyal. He has always been so good to everyone around him, you know that."
I sighed, looking to the heavens as if I expected Godric himself to deliver me from stupid humans. And a part of me began to wonder when I had so divorced myself from humanity. "Harry is a wonderful Gryffindor, but there are times when his lack of friends and family between losing Lily and James and coming to Hogwarts are very obvious. This stupid plan of theirs- how long do you think Ron would have done it if their situations were reversed? Merlin, Sirius, you still don't understand!"
"What? What don't I understand?"
"That it is a great deal better to trust a friend and be betrayed than not trust him at all!"
He gasped, widening his eyes until they were larger than they had ever been before. "But- but you know what happened with Peter."
"And I never blamed you for trusting Peter. You should have been able to trust him; he was like a brother to all of us. But your mistake was that you did not trust me, Sirius, and it took Azkaban and thirteen years for me to forgive you. I don't know if I would have forgiven you otherwise."
Saying that, I waved my wand and the suitcase I had steadily been packing closed with a bang. "When this is all over, send me an owl so I can tell you where to find me."
I walked out of Hogwarts, knowing I would never return. I had given so many years of my life to this castle and its inhabitants, believing that nothing would make me happier than becoming an accepted integral part of wizarding society, only to realize that I did not want that at all.
It was time to fight for my own kind from inside, to rejoin my kin, and to learn what it truly was to be a werewolf.
