Originally posted in the Livejournal community FF_Zodiac.


Once In A Blue Moon

~ Saïx ~

He remembers that day, rues the days of humanity past, of memories that shouldn't feel painful but they do. He always remembers.

His emotions run deeper than water in the cavity of his chest, in the place where he knows a new heart grows. Xemnas preached lies to the others – that Nobodies possess no hearts, that Nobodies cannot feel – and he didn't care before and he didn't care after the truth. The quest for hearts Organization XIII sought never mattered to him, because no matter how many hearts they collected (or how unique some really were), none of them belonged to him.

But Saïx did care. Slivers of hope dared to believe then, dared to place trust into the words of a pragmatic mad man, but his defeat in the hands of the Keyblade Master destroyed those sentiments. He reached for Kingdom Hearts then, pled with the heart-shaped moon for his heart, only to realize too late he had it all along. Too late to care, by the time hearts new and old fused into one. Something foreign, and unreal, and strong.

Upon awakening whole, "Saïx" fortified the walls Isa once built over his emotions, except they were not his emotions anymore. He never wanted his heart forsaken, never wanted to bargain his identity for power; he only wanted for life to become more interesting. He remembers feelings such as these, irrelevant things.

He never cared for exploring worlds, so long as his home continued to provide security and entertainment. It never occurred to his boyhood mind that to grant such a wish meant summoning change. Not only did Radiant Garden change, did Lea change into some hollow of a man called "Axel," but he himself also changed.

Founded by His Superior, who brought destruction to his world and gave him mockery in place of everything he ever lost. A World That Never Was, a uniform black as the void, a nonexistent organization to pledge to, a number and a new name – 'but not my home, nor my heart.'

Nowadays he can't bring himself to care.

But if he were still Isa, that would be a lie, because those yellow eyes staring back at him from the window of the Grey Area did not belong to him. And that scar, shaped like an X over his face, spells death for a person who owns nothing. These years on borrowed time – blue hair growing long and wild, teenaged body growing tall and massive, the continuation of collecting experiences beyond mortality – belong to the shell of a monster.

Even the return of his name, the castaway of his number, the memory of Lea once again human and complete and standing at the other side against him does not move his heart.

He lost his family, he lost his only friend, lost what it meant to love and trust and believe and hope. He lost his name and slapped it back on without sparing an inkling for sentimentality. He used to be a boy who knew what attachment meant and felt like, but he no longer cared.

Death does exist, in the form of change. And Xehanort changed him.

Radiant Garden rebuilds itself on ruins. Lea chooses to fight for new friendships with Sora (with Roxas, without me). That girl, Kairi, she found her heroes; Merlin and Scrooge McDuck still do parlor tricks and sell ice cream; everyone else he had come to know are themselves again.

Everything changed, but not Xehanort. The one constant in his life, the only piece left of the past he once knew as home. He remembers seeing the back of a scientist, walking the streets in his white lab coat and black boots with his unforgettable silver hair and monotone voice, which always drank questions through his undying thirst for knowledge.

They never interacted, only observed each other on occasion, but Isa clings to that remnant of an untainted memory anyway. He doesn't care about becoming a vessel for someone else, doesn't care about the immorality behind such a paradoxical motive, doesn't care about what he might have to lose.

Because his heart belongs to Master Xehanort now.