One Day at the Malfoy Manor
Chapter 2
Ten minutes later, after Lucius had finally brought Voldemort his Kinky Kahlua, he and his heinous henchmen sat around the table in the dining room, poring over the map of Britain Voldemort had been marking.
"So, first we take over London, then we get inside the Ministry of Magic and BLOW IT TO SMITHEREENS using nukyeler bombs! Muahahahahahaaa!" he laughed evilly.
Lucius Malfoy, who was holding a large bandage to his still-bleeding eye, raised a bloody eyebrow. "But my Lord," he said tentatively, "Wouldn't it be much more useful if we took control of the—"
"Lucius…" said Voldemort dangerously.
"Eh-eh…y-yes, my Lord?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm making the plans here, moron! You can't even mix the right drink for me and you dare to tell me what is more effective?"
"My apologies, Master…" whimpered Malfoy. He bowed his head and spoke no more.
"That would make too much sense anyway," continued Voldemort as he looked at the map, scratching his chin.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door down the hall. Everyone in the room except Voldemort gave a start and looked around.
"Wormtail, go and see who it is," he ordered without looking up. "If it's another one of those Muggle cops, tell them you don't speak English."
Wormtail scampered down the hall with a quiet "yes, Master" to open the door.
Whoever it was knocked again.
"Who's there?" asked Wormtail.
"Banana," said whoever it was.
"Banana who?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Let me the fuck in already!"
"Let-me-the-fuck-in-already, who?"
BOOM! The door was blasted off its hinges with a huge burst of fire. Wormtail screamed, running off down the street and trying to put his burning clothes out.
"Rrrrgh. What the hell is going on over there?" growled Voldemort.
Just then, a young man with messy black hair and glasses burst into the dining room, followed by another, taller young man with red hair and freckles and a girl with bushy brown hair.
"It is I, Harry Potter!" he said, brandishing his wand impressively, "And I've come to stop you!"
All the Death Eaters in the room fled under the table, leaving Voldemort, Harry, Ron, and Hermione to stare each other down. Voldemort stared at Harry with mounting anger, radiating his fury into the silent room, but then his face broke out into a wide, sinister grin. "Hmm, come to stop me, ey?"
"That's right!" replied Harry with a flamboyantly heroic tone. "And thereby save the wizarding world!"
"Well then…" thought Voldemort for a moment. Suddenly, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
There was a flash of green light, and in the split second before the curse hit Harry there were two dramatically timed exclamations of "OH NO!" from Ron and Hermione and one "Ah, shit!" from Dumbledore's spirit above as he slapped his forehead in exasperation—but what came next surprised everyone in the room, even the three young heroes, and even Dumbledore's celestial manifestation: at the moment Voldemort's curse was about to hit Harry, a huge steam engine roared out of the walls and in between Harry and Voldemort, taking the curse for him. The resounding CLONG of the curse hitting the massive hull made everyone's ribs vibrate. As the train sped off through the opposite wall and into the horizon, everybody gaped at the utter absurdity of what had just happened.
"What in Satan's flaming toilet was that?" said Lucius.
"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!" screamed Voldemort. "THERE IS NO SATAN! THERE IS NO GOD! THERE IS ONLY ME!"
("Boy, is HE in for a surprise…" said a certain red man with a pointed tail and a wicked grin as he listened to Voldemort's screams from miles beneath the surface.)
"Yeah, well that's not saying much, considering YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!" yelled Harry in a manner very reminiscent of a high-school freshman.
This caught Voldemort off guard. "What are you—of course I have—but—" he spluttered, "Wait! NO I DON'T! I don't need friends!"
"You'll always have me, master…" purred Bellatrix as she snaked up close to him.
"HEY! I'm supposed to be the one kissing ass here!" interjected Severus Snape angrily as he pushed Bellatrix aside.
"Get the fuck away from me, both of you! Now!" snarled Voldemort.
"But Master!" whined Bellatrix and Snape simultaneously.
All the while, the Golden Trio watched as the argument continued to unfold before their eyes. After several moments of their eyes moving back and forth between Voldemort and various other Death Eaters, Ron piped up, "Hey guys, let's go get sloshed!"
"Oh, marvelous idea, Ron," retorted Hermione sarcastically.
"Oi! I'm the one who gives orders here!" exclaimed Harry indignantly. "What I say goes, and I say we get smashed!"
"Whatever. Let's just go," sighed Hermione. The three then turned and left the manor.
Five minutes and innumerable swearwords later, Voldemort had finally silenced all the arguing Death Eaters with a loud bang from his wand. "Now that your traps are all shut, I do believe we have some guests to attend to!" Voldemort shouted, his pale face now beet red.
"Ehm…no, my Lord, we don't." said Lucius. He pointed at the wreckage of the door, where the three teenagers no longer stood.
All the Death Eaters cringed, expecting an explosive outburst from their master, but instead Voldemort burst into tears. He then threw himself facedown on the floor, beating his fists and sobbing, "No! No! Nononononoooo! I was close! I WAS SO CLOSE! WAAAAAAAH!!!"
And so the Death Eaters all watched in amazement as their master, normally quick-tempered and cold, threw a temper tantrum worthy of a three-year-old denied sweets before their bewildered eyes.
- END -
A/N: I could barely stand to write "nukyeler" in place of "nuclear," but I thought it would make it more ridiculous.
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